OMG I am crying

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MUfgAbFY4CA

Sad song, too.

At the Leo's Coney Island where mrs llamas and I often stop for first-thing Saturday eggs, we have seen a couple many times who are obviously exchanging their two toddler daughters for visitation.

The parents invariably bicker, while their two poor children sit there looking like they are being beaten with 2x4s. Maybe I'm biased, but it sure appears to me that the ex-wife presses a lot of the conflict - the ex-husband just sits there and takes it. Is it really his fault that the car broke down? The waitresses tell us that they just hate to wait on this family, it's like they're sitting in a toxic cloud that fills the air around them.

Wise shift leader Mary gives it as her opinion that the reason we see this sort of thing is that far-too-much has been invested in the 'perfect' marriage - the zillion dollar wedding, the honeymoon in Bora-Bora, the ideal home, the one or two designer children - that when some slight hiccup comes along, the wreck is a lot more violent and bitter.

You just want to drag both parents out into the parking lot by their ears and slap some sense into them. The waitresses would keep the girls happy with lollipops and OJ for the 10 minutes it would take to drill some empathy into the parents. But I have to say (again, I may be biased) that a lot of the conflict seem to stem from the fact that the ex-husband allows it to happen. If he loved his kids and wanted the best for them, he would stand up for them, and himself. I don't know why this is.

llater,

llamas

llamas,
It's that way because the husband will lose all rights (and pay for the court/lawyer costs) if the ex wants to "be that way".

I was lucky. My cousin had to leave Kentucky and his boys behind. His ex kept him court stuff constantly. She would move to different courts when the judges figured out she was just punishing him.

Eventually his boys turned 18 and left their Mother behind to go live w/him but that was a long 6 years.

Today it is even easier than it was 20 years ago, but the "Queen" must be fed.

My Twitter string about this with @Antiwar2

https://twitter.com/amyalkon/status/653553977938710529

Of course, there IS the flip side of the "wife gets all" game.

My wife's ex (who, at last report, had fathered children off at least 5 other women. . .) owed my wife in excess of $5K in back child support, which he demanded we waive when I adopted the girls. . .

We did so, because we knew, legally, it meant nothing: only a judge can waive back support.

5 years later, he shows up, pissed, because the DMV wouldn't renew his license. . .

He calmed down rather quickly after my wife came down the stairs with the 12-gauge, and sat quietly until the police took him away. . . We've moved twice since then, so I suspect we won't see him again. . .

But I have to say (again, I may be biased) that a lot of the conflict seem to stem from the fact that the ex-husband allows it to happen. If he loved his kids and wanted the best for them, he would stand up for them, and himself. I don't know why this is.

Because him standing up for himself would be called abuse by her, and require a CPS investigation, and limited visitation probably monitored while the investigation went on.

Assuming she didnt just file a TRO, not tell him, and call the cops on him when he violated it by showing up for the arranged swap

It was a huge relief when my parents got divorced. The being woken up in the middle of the night by them fighting and the dishes flying wasn't missed even one little bit. It took a lot of stress off everyone.

I had am amicable divorce in 2003 after 16 years with my ex. Split up due to irreconcilable differences. No court, just hired a lawyer to make sure the paperwork was square. Shared legal and physical custody, paid voluntary child support. We were splitting custody a few days a week, until he spoke up in 2005 (he was 6) and said he wanted us to alternate weeks, which we did. I'm actually friends with the ex now and my son lives with me most of the time because she moved a couple towns away. I can't speak for my son, but having lived through the deaths of a sibling, friends, and both my parents, my amicable divorce was still the worst thing I've ever had to deal with. I still believe in marriage. I no longer believe in divorce.

I thought I posted this after the song link

Even kids who know their parents shouldnt be together long fro a home that isnt broken.

Humans are inherently schizophrenic, we long for the comfort and safety of a half remembered period of our childhood that probably never existed to begin with. A period of our life we tried to get through as quickly as possible so we could grow up and be independent

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bdRUQWVGENo

Being a human is a messy business, and can be made moreso by dealing with other humans.

I'm probably in a very small minority, but I didn't really care that my parents got divorced and never wished they got back together. My parents never really fought, but my dad was just never around. Them being divorced was the same as it was being married. He always worked out of town and had his own place. Even though it was mostly seasonal work he still stayed there instead of coming home so I only saw him a few times a year. As an adult I have a very limited relationship with him, but that's primarily due to his new wife. She's a manipulative drama queen who thrives on causing problems and then playing the victim. She always tells me my dad wants nothing to do with me or my kids, that it's nothing to do with her at all. My dad tells me she's nuts and I should just go along and let her say whatever she wants, not say anything that even hints at her not being right. The relationship we had rebuilt as adults is essentially gone now because he won't put his wife in her place, but I feel like that's his loss not mine. Our latest round of drama was over my youngest's 1st birthday party. She told everyone they were busy the weekend we'd planned on doing it and wouldn't change their plans to come, so I didn't bother to invite them. Then she had a shit-fit on my husband's Facebook page when he posted pictures saying she knew nothing about the party and it was the previous weekend she was busy, not that one. I posted the screenshot of her clearly stating she was busy on the exact date and time of the party, before I'd sent invites. Then she made up some other story about how they had been busy, but cancelled their plans a day or two before and still weren't invited. Meanwhile, she told no one they were now free nor did she contact me to see if the party was still at the same time and if they could come. And they have a standing invitation to come up and visit whenever the hell they want regardless. I could see a situation like this being extremely difficult on a child who wants to see their parent. Hell, it's stressful on me as a grown adult who doesn't GAF one way or the other. I just don't want all the drama either.

"Our latest round of drama was over my youngest's 1st birthday party. She told everyone they were busy the weekend we'd planned on doing it and wouldn't change their plans to come, so I didn't bother to invite them. Then she had a shit-fit on my husband's Facebook page when he posted pictures saying she knew nothing about the party and it was the previous weekend she was busy, not that one. I posted the screenshot of her clearly stating she was busy on the exact date and time of the party, before I'd sent invites."

Might I suggest it is a very poor idea to involve yourself in a war of words on Facebook?

If you are going to be so plebeian as to make a big deal out of a birthday party for a one year old, then afterwards, don't get into a pissing contest about it on Facebook.

Gracious people ignore bad manners in the mentally ill, because confronting them, causes even more havoc than just letting it go.

You have some issues with your emotionally and physically absent father. I get that, but if you truly don't care, why are you responding when this bitch goes after you?

She won when you responded to her taunting.

My parents divorced. I hate Thanksgiving, just like Chandler. Every single person in the family (including the In Laws) demanded that we attend Thanksgiving 'as a family'.

My mother guilt tripped me because she was alone.

My Step Mom guilted me because they made a HUGE effort to make a Rockwell painting Thanksgiving.

My In Laws guilted me because we were their surrogate kids and they needed this.

Three frigging meals! Everyone wanting the same time slot. Fights and recriminations and passive aggressive crap ("It's okay...I will be the bigger person as you go off to that OTHER family...")

I moved away from all of them just because of the Holidays. "Sorry, 5 states away! Can't come!"

My life has become much more stress free.

Oh GOD and don't get me started on the fights over teenaged visitation! I am triggering over those memories.

Been there, done that, as the child. Divorce isn't the worst thing that can happen to a kid, but it is easily in the top-ten.

The only good thing to come of it was the conviction that I would rather die than subject my kids to that.

I'm surprised no one linked to this Everclear song. If anything, it is more heartwrenching.