Did you read to the end of the article?

'My former student is still receiving late-night emails, notes and presents left on her desk, and her co-worker is still insisting that they should meet “outside of the hectic hours of work.”'

Also, the comment the reader gives about "nipping it in the bud" is exactly what the author of the article advises this woman should do with the email.

I have been the recipient of little presents left on my desk by a co-worker; I didn't take them home and said co-worker confronted me about it angrily. But it stopped after that. In this particular article it looks like said co-worker is seriously not getting the hint. Whether or not they were co-workers it sounds to me like it's risen to the level of harassment.

By the way, some advice for men; if you want to have any chance with a woman, don't introduce yourself with a long expressive email like that. It makes you look desperate. Even if that's what you feel, keep a lid on it, it's very unattractive in both men and women to be so effusive. That kind of email is only appropriate when a relationship has already been established and the feelings are mutual.

In this particular article it looks like said co-worker is seriously not getting the hint

First of all, I find it sexist that you expect men to 'get hints' like women do.

Secondly there is no hint that she has told this guy his attention makes her uncomfortable

Even if that's what you feel, keep a lid on it, it's very unattractive in both men and women to be so effusive.

While I agree with you here, the fact is 30 years of feminism driven cultural perceptions have told men that such grand gestures are what women want.

Start putting out romantic comedies where such things wind up with the woman going off to screw some random guy in a bar every time the male lead does a grand gesture resulting in him being alone and guys will get the hint

Also what the prof said on harassment, a few thoughts.

According to many women, saying hello is sexual harassment, with the bar set so low I stopped caring when a woman claims she is being harassed, especially when they refuse to give details, or the details are as mild as the one in this story.

Secondly, didnt women want equality? Being an equal makes you COMPETITION, and I harass my competition.

You ladies ever consider that the sexual harassment has nothing to do with you as a woman, and everything to do with you making yourself an obstacle to my goals?

I have been the recipient of little presents left on my desk by a co-worker; I didn't take them home and said co-worker confronted me about it angrily. But it stopped after that.

Glad to know the "passive" approach worked for you. Most people don't find it so availing.

You should have just told him no.

Because of people like Prof Jahren, Title VII has become a tar pit for employers. My advice for employers is to create and publicize widely a company policy: Any romantic involvement between employees here will result in the termination of both, for cause, without severance, without a favorable recommendation and with a "Do not rehire" notation in the personnel records. It's either that, or be prepared to pay high attorneys' fees and litigation costs, and possibly a settlement.

Employment is not a dating service. Go to E-harmony, or J-date, or Happy Hours, or the vegetable aisle of your grocery store at midnight, or wherever, but don't ever date co-employees. Any employer who allows that needs to have a child in law school or a recent grad, so the employer can pay their kid's $100K in student loans (which is the current average student loan debt of law school grads). Even if the employer wins the case, the costs are so high that the employer looses.

Why would this sort of thing be any more of a problem in *science* than in, say, Law, or in Accounting, or in business-to-business sales?

"Hi, I stare at you all day long and fantasize. I will never go away. I will always be watching you. You cannot escape my obsession. It is up to you to save me from my overwhelming lust. I blame you for my feelings of desire and rage. You bitch, I could be happy if you weren't in my brain all the time! Anyway, I was wondering if you'd like to get coffee with me, or perhaps a house."

Yeah, that's not creepy.

Some times sexual harassment is true harassment; other times it is only different from a romantic gesture in that the recipient finds the guy attractive.

But, in either case, tell the guy: "No, I'm not interested" or "yes, I'm flattered."

Either way, if this will cause you to quit your career; then, perhaps, you're too fragile to be in that career in the first place.

Since, the author claims there aren't enough studies done; and, therefore, relies on anecdotal "evidence" to prove a point; I'll also share some anecdotal evidence to counter that point.

Years ago, I had a co-worker who came into work complaining about this guy who was "desperate" and "annoying" (her words) because he did things like leave dozens of roses thrown over the hood of her car; leave a dozen roses on her doorstep, etc.

Then one day, he called at work. I honestly thought I was doing her a favor when answering the phone I started to tell him that she wasn't interested. Man, I never saw someone move so fast to take the phone out of my hand! Fast forward a few months - I was invited to their wedding!

"That's just the way things are and you're gonna have to deal with me until one of us leaves."

Her thesis needs his signature and he writes this!

I suggest she get his signature (w/o sex) and then send his email to the appropriate department head suggesting a hand-written apology would be sufficient and that a positive recommendation be placed in her file is mandatory to avoid him 'blackballing' her future, OR they can ask him to leave. He challenged her and she responds professionally. Let the system decide (she will likely lose but ...).

Nuclear reaction on my part? Damn right. Life's a bitch and then you die so situational awareness is key. She owes him nothing so why cut him a break. (Read his statement again please. It's a challenge. "This town's not big enough for both of us Tex.")

Renee, yeah, she threw that "say no" thing at the end, but I'll repeat this from my post:

The notion put forward here -- that it is horrible, terrible, and professionally debilitating to have a colleague or senior colleague express interest in you -- is right in line with the current infantilizing of women.

When I worked in a corporation, I had people interested in me whom I wasn't interested in. I immediately, kindly, and politely told them it wasn't going anywhere.

How many people do you know -- married couples or couples who are together many years -- who met in the workplace?

My best friend and some of my closest friends met in the workplace. My best friend was working in Antarctica when she met the man who is now her husband, so if things went badly, it wasn't like they could avoid seeing each other. Life involves risk and discomfort, and dealing with it is part of being an adult -- and a man's equal, if you're a woman.

Another thought.

Accordig to the email snippets, this guy apparently did far more to help this chick than he normally does for any other new hire.

What do you want to bet that when she tells him no and he respects her decision it will be sexual harassment that he no longer does special favors for her anymore?

Pretty women get more in the way of favors than other women. This is a form of inequality. Should they deface themselves or go around with bandannas over their heads to make things more fair?

"First of all, I find it sexist that you expect men to 'get hints' like women do."

How is that sexist? Isn't it holding men and women to the same standard?

"While I agree with you here, the fact is 30 years of feminism driven cultural perceptions have told men that such grand gestures are what women want."

Feminism has caused that? Really? I'd blame the old-fashioned patriarchal system where men are supposed to "court" women and where it's unseemly for women to go after men. I agree romantic comedies are shit but they're hardly feminist. I see more feminists criticising romantic comedies more than I see anti-feminists. In fact, google "rape culture romantic comedy" and you're sure to get many hits.

"Oh my god! A coworker found me attractive. I'm scared."

Have we really created a generation this afraid of human sexuality that they cannot deal with being hit on?

If she cannot handle a clumsy advance, how is she going to deal with real life when it hits her with violence, death, career setbacks, relationship disappointments, and the other things real life is famously full of?

Did you read to the end of the article?

'My former student is still receiving late-night emails, notes and presents left on her desk, and her co-worker is still insisting that they should meet “outside of the hectic hours of work.”'

Also, the comment the reader gives about "nipping it in the bud" is exactly what the author of the article advises this woman should do with the email.

Posted by: Renee at March 5, 2016 11:24 PM

Did she actually "nip it?" Or did she do one of those ambivalent equivocations because she can't handle confrontation?

Did she expect him to "pick up the signals" she was sending out or was she blunt in telling him no?

Bob makes a good point about handling it carefully but professionally when his approval is still required for her career advancement. Use the system, but most of all, be firm in handling it.

...this guy apparently did far more to help this chick than he normally does for any other new hire. ~ Posted by: lujlp at March 6, 2016 9:06 AM

Did he have to because she was incompetent? Or did he pathetically expect that she would fall in love with him if he were her lap dog? Some guys do that.

"All I know is that from the first day I talked to you, there hadn't been a single day or hour when you weren't on my mind."

My title (with a nod to Bill Nye) for this dude: The Clueless Science Guy. He thinks that real life is like the movies where women swoon when hearing comments like this from a male colleague.

Conan: "Have we really created a generation this afraid of human sexuality that they cannot deal with being hit on?"

Reminds me of the time our HR Department had just finished a "sexual harassment" seminar for all employees; this one guy, in all seriousness, said that he would like to talk to them "in private" concerning something that was just covered in the seminar.

Thinking that something serious had taken place; our HR Director took him into her office only to hear him ask:

So, if this is such a serious and, possibly, widespread issue; how come no one is harassing me?"

HR Director was not amused. Too bad, she needed to lighten up.

I love Amy but obvious she didn't read whole article and/or carefully.

Or she read article and has lost critical distance because SJWs are idiots. (Which I agree makes no logical sense but why else would an intelligent woman like Amy have such a blind reading of the article?)

What Renee said in her first post.

Patrick, I agree that nipping is an appropriate response, but I can also see why a someone would not want to engage with someone who wrote them such a self-debasing letter. I left gender out of this, although I believe that men are far more likely to be smarmy creeps.

I didn't realize that millennial women were such frail flowers until we had an intern at work some years years ago.

She had gone to some bubble headed liberal bastion of brainwashing U and was deeply offended when my political opinions did not match hers.

Called me out on more than one occasion for being a smug know at all, ( she had a bachelors, I have a doctorate) and if I ever tried to argue a political or historical point with her, she would occasionally burst into tears.
if I had been a man, I am pretty darn sure I would have been reported for some kind of sexual harassment.

This doesn't appear to have much to do with science so why leave science? The only connection I can think of with science (vs say law) is I believe there to be a more socially awkward men in science. I could see changing employers if it became too much

To my knowledge, many couples form at work. Off the top of my head of couples who met after school all but 3 met at work (the others: 2 online, 1 church). For awhile the company had a "just for fun" poll that anyone could submit polls to and one of them was how did you meet your significant other with a large number of options. College was by far the #1 answer. At work was next at a little over 20% (divided about equal between at that company and another), Then arranged marriage, then grad school followed by high school, then down around 2% through friends etc, and then lots of categories with less than 1%

As others said earlier, I see things like this causing problems. I can't think of an adult couple (e.g. past school) that I personally know which formed in the last 5 years. I take that back, just thought of a couple just-out-of-college hires at work who are now a couple.

"I see more feminists criticising romantic comedies more than I see anti-feminists. "

I can assure you that every single person who worked on every one of those films, from the writers to the actors to the director, producer, and investors, is a confirmed leftist. Because you don't make it in Hollywood if you aren't. So tell me: are those films expressing their philosophy, or are they selling out? Doesn't come across well either way.

"This doesn't appear to have much to do with science so why leave science? "

Because you can't change the physical laws of the universe by crying.