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Love You Just The Way You Were

I was attracted to my girlfriend of six months before I ever saw her, during the three months we communicated by phone and e-mail for business. When we met, I discovered she’s very beautiful -- with one drawback: her enormous breast implants. Four years ago, she went from what was probably a very attractive B to a whopping DDD, and on a 5-foot-five-inch, 120-pound frame. Her implants are the new kind that feel more lifelike, but they don’t turn me on, and they’re embarrassingly big and obviously fake. She loves them and shows them off in low-cut tops, while I find myself hinting that she should cover up before we go out. She may as well be wearing a siren on her head -- the attention would be the same! She seems to be falling for me hard, and the feeling’s mostly mutual, but these implants could be a deal-killer.

--D-D-Don’t Like ‘Em

The moment a guy mentions a woman’s looks, fingers start wagging that it’s what’s inside that counts. And yes, it is -- including whatever’s factory-sealed into those Hefty bags making up Mount Whitney and Friend.

Men’s eyes always go to a woman’s breasts. No guy’s going to avert his gaze from a set of Bs, or even a set of bee stings. They’re breasts. That’s all that matters. But, enter a pair like your girlfriend’s, lobbying hard for attention, and suddenly, it’s not just the guys’ eyeballs wandering; their minds start wandering, too: Is she a sex worker? Heir to porn star Wendy Whoppers? Does her version of dressing in “career separates” involve gluing on a pair of tassels? Or, on a less sexy note, how much wearable low self-worth can one woman pack into a baby tee?

A lot of guys hate bought boobs, but maybe you could’ve lived with your girlfriend’s if she’d opted for the medium instead of the Supersized. Being with a girl with freakishly huge fake breasts is a bit like being a celebrity -- the negative bit, that is. Just as Cindy Crawford can’t pick her nose in public without it making the international press, you can’t get a cup of coffee without the guy behind the counter asking your girlfriend’s nipples if he can take their drink order.

Unless her sweater hippos spring a leak, they aren’t going to get any smaller -- and neither will your feeling that they’re ugly, tacky, and embarrassing. Where you went wrong was in being so eager to make it work with her that you ignored your feelings, pretending that you might someday have the hots for what grosses you out. You may like her, and mostly enjoy being with her, but there’s a part of her you just can’t accept -- the part that paid thousands of dollars for a look that screams “Hooters is hiring!”

The right time to end this was the moment you saw the pontoons bursting out of her tiny top and felt the impulse, not to dive in, but to cover them with a tarp. Well, better way too late than even later. You don’t have to reveal what you really think of Dr. Frankenstein’s work. Just tell her you’re a low-key guy, and you’re always going to feel out of sorts with the crowds she draws with her chest. In the long run, she’ll be happier with somebody whose aesthetic ideal runs more to the circus-sized -- as will you, once you find a woman whose idea of beauty isn’t looking like the gas station attendant stuck an air hose down her bra and went to lunch.

Posted by aalkon at May 11, 2006 10:47 PM

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Hoo-haa ! Lovely imagery.

Posted by: opit at May 14, 2006 1:34 PM

just thought i 'd weigh in about women's breasts. i think they're highly overrated and yes, i know what evolutionary biologists think about this. good boobs are more likely to insure the survival of my offspring.

lots of times when i look at a woman and note she's attractive, i havent' even looked at her chest--this is especially ture here in the north country where people are bundled up about 8 months a year and you couldn't see much even if you did look.

i like to look at women's faces; their hair, especially if its long; and their legs; oh god, yes, a good pair of legs turn me on like Cs or Ds never have or will. i don't even like Ds. i don't get turned on because someone has a large pair of mammary glands, it just doesn't jibe for me. If someone has a really nice or cute nose, for example, do they go out and get it made bigger? no.
and frankly, when i do look at breasts, i am far more interested in nipples than the size of the breast. Large, luscious nipples like sensuous,full mouths completely turn me on. as a womanfriend once told me, more than a mouth full is wasted any way. i couldn't agree more.

Posted by: coyote guy at June 29, 2006 8:40 AM

Actually, evolutionary biologists aren't very clear on the reason for boobs. University of Michigan's Bobbi Low speculates that they're buttocks pasted on the front. But I've read in the literature on this that whether a woman has huge ones or small ones, it doesn't make a difference in her ability to breast feed.

Posted by: Amy Alkon at June 29, 2006 8:50 AM

My goodness, we could make a lot of smart-alecky comments regarding this situation, but we will refrain from doing so in the interests of good taste.
All kidding aside, your problem exists out there with many people. Think of the following images:
-The man with thinning hair who does a comb-over from one ear to the other.
-The bald man who wears a big, thick, deep, dark hairpiece.
-The middle-age woman who wears a micro-mini skirt and 6” heels.
-The Size 18 woman who wears Size 4 clothes.
-The man/woman who overdoses on cologne/perfume.
These five types of people exist out there today in many numbers. All of them believe that their hair/clothes/perfume make them “attractive” and “desirable”, but everyone laughs at them behind their backs. They all look utterly ridiculous and yet, if you attempt to offer some constructive criticism to them, you will find out just how oblivious they are to the situation, and you will be told to (bleep) off in a heartbeat.
Like your girlfriend, people are very blind when they look in the mirror. And there’s nothing you can do to make them see clearly.
Amy is right – unless you can accept the fact that your girlfriend will constantly be stared/laughed at in public, it’s best to part company (the sooner the better).

Posted by: rick at June 29, 2006 12:07 PM

If this guy really cared about her he'd take her to Dr. Kolb, or Dr. Melmed or Dr. Feng or a highly qualified micro-vascular reconstructive surgeon and support her through the explantation recovery nightmare.

REal men - real partners - show their love in loving ways - concern for their partner's health and well-being

REal men wouldn't encourage women to be implanted with poisonous toxic chemicals.

Real doctors - 'first do no harm'

Real love puts health before appearances and is supportive throughout any traumatic situation

Posted by: saphoe at June 29, 2006 5:46 PM

Love your tits...I mean... titles you create.
"Love You Just The Way You Were" - great one.
I have a motto - "Get in were you fit in".
The dude needs to step aside and let someone else appreciate her fullness fully. I am enjoying my 4th year in a relationship with a black woman (I am a honkey from "Hillbilly Virgina"). If I let all the thoughts people have of us creep into our life together, then it would be over by now.
- Get in were you fit in

Posted by: joel at July 3, 2006 2:24 PM

i love huge breasts i dont just fantasize about them,i m practically addicted to fake implants and if guys out there think they are highly overrated gimme a guy with them huge hooters and i m done for eternity;why in god's name will i look else where?huge humongers help ease the anxiety of not being prepared for sex,it gives you complete neutrality over your relationship with your woman-i wont mind her revealing them in public-better they gawk and make me a better man!but,honestly,my woman WILL have them hooters-no matter how fake they look-its great to suck on and whack off and improves the man 's sex drive

Posted by: teddy at July 20, 2006 3:52 PM


I scarcely know where to begin...

First of all, did you actually write "gimme a guy with them huge hooters and I'm done for eternity"? Are you confused? Do you really want a man with breasts?

Second, how does a woman's breasts make YOU more of a man? (Assuming that any self-respecting woman would be seen with you in public, being the mental giant that you are...)

Finally, I'm willing to bet my right hand that you do a LOT of whacking, but I doubt it's to a real, live set of breasts. They're more than likely staring at you from the sticky pages of some dirty magazine.

Some men simply amaze me....

Posted by: Renee at August 11, 2006 1:41 PM

Just a followup on the whole breast size/breastfeeding issue. I was a 34AA before I had my first child. By the time I delivered, I was a 38D and spectacularly successful at breastfeeding. My son gained a pound a week in the beginning and I could have managed at least triplets with no problem! A few times, as he nursed on one side, I had milk spurting as much as one to two feet out of the other side, through a t-shirt and bathing suit.... needless to say, nursing pads and I were close friends! lol He had nothing but breastmilk for the first 6 months and thrived. Afterwards, I went back down to a 34A and then repeated the whole cycle with my daughter. I am now in my 50's, a 34A with no stretch marks and no sagging. Breast size and breastfeeding are completely unrelated!
Oh yes, my pet peeve about men on this issue? The men who have asked me on a first date if I have ever considered implants!

Posted by: Molly at November 20, 2006 6:25 AM

Uh, coyote guy, the nipples are either "virgin" (smallish) or not. During first pregnancy and lactation they enlarge and then stay that way. So you are de-facto preferring mothers. Evolution translates that as "proven breeders".

Posted by: Brian_H at July 8, 2007 11:53 PM

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