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Chasing Jamey

Earlier this year, I met what I thought was a sweet, kind, caring man. After a whirlwind romance, he proposed, we got engaged, and moved in together. Shortly afterward, I discovered he’d shaved 10 years off his age. He said he was 42; he’s actually 52. (I’m 32.) I then began snooping on his computer. Here’s my problem: He seems addicted to Internet porn. Not just any porn, gay porn. He has five separate e-mail aliases, and belongs to 67 gay porn sites. He has used gay phone sex and gay personals. When I confronted him, he said he was “not gay in the least.” He is very underendowed, and this was the reason he gave for looking at naked men. He claims he pretends that he has what they have while “entertaining himself.” I don’t buy it, but I’m wondering if maybe it’s possible for a heterosexual man to not be gay and be addicted to this type of porn.

--Concerned Fiancée

This guy’s straight like I’m a vegetarian. Okay, so there’s a freshly slaughtered cow taking up my entire refrigerator/freezer. It’s just there for those times I can’t help but eat a dead animal (like when it’s too hard to spear on a fork while it’s still running around).

But, maybe your fiancé’s just “bi-curious.” Very, very, very bi-curious. The problem is, he doesn’t seem the least bit hetero-curious. In that tidal wave of gay porn, you don’t mention spotting a single Busty Juggs or Wendy Whoppers. And, when I told my very gay best friend that this “straight” guy is a member of 67 gay porn sites, he noted that these sites each charge about $19.95 a month, and chortled, “He’s gayer than I am!”

The size comparison angle might be believable -- if he were 11 and sneaking furtive glances around the locker room, but when a man’s had the same willie attached to his body for half a century, he’s usually made peace with his piece. The exception, of course, is your “not gay in the least” fiancé who only goes on gay phone sex lines to ask that age-old question, “Does size matter?” My answer? Not if there’s a bigger question, like “How does a man pack all his gay porn into one little ole closet?”

It’s not surprising that this mess you’re in started as a “whirlwind romance,” or as I prefer to call it, the relationship version of anonymous sex. Don’t tell me: After he sent you flowers, said all the right things, and took you to a French restaurant three times, you and he just knew you were “meant to be!” -- the perfect excuse to avoid taking the time to figure out if you actually are. (Oh, that crazy little thing called sexual orientation!)

For a girl who doesn’t “buy it” that he’s straight, you’re working awfully hard to parse whether he’s mostly gay, sort of gay, or maybe just gay on weekends. And go ahead, keep parsing that -- ideally, while waiting at the clinic for your test results for everything from HIV to Hep C. According to a survey by public health researcher Preeti Pathela, men with a sexual identity at odds with their sexual behavior are more likely to engage in “riskier sexual behaviors” (sex without condoms, not just muffled sex chats when the girlfriend’s in the next room). As far as your future together goes, come on, admit it already: There may be a special place for you in his heart, but it’s unlikely to stop other parts of his body from pointing due West (Village).

Posted by aalkon at June 13, 2007 12:10 AM


Well here's my question - How can she still be attracted to, or turned on by, this guy? Leaving aside the "underendowed" comment for a second (*snork!*), what could possibly be appealing about a guy who spends that much time a) online, and b) looking at gay porn? Yuck! Lucky for her, she hasn't married him yet, so she won't have to spend a bundle on a divorce lawyer to pack her things and move out.

Posted by: Pirate Jo at June 13, 2007 6:45 AM


Pirate Jo!!!!! Don't do that! I blew my morning drink all over my computer!

Posted by: kg at June 13, 2007 7:11 AM

Pirate Jo, can you say "little to no self-esteem"? I think that could be the answer to your question. My question is, where the hell are her running shoes, and why hasn't she put them already?

Posted by: Flynne at June 13, 2007 7:24 AM

Well Pirate Jo, I guess that DOES answer the question, if a small penis makes a man unattractive. Although ... I've been with a few ... and it's not the small penis that's the killer, it's the self esteem issues that go along with it.

Posted by: Tena LaChez at June 13, 2007 7:32 AM

Quite the romance...he lied about his age, she snooped through his computer, and oh yeah, he's gay. It's the storyline great romances are made from...

Posted by: Renee at June 13, 2007 7:42 AM

Hey Tena, SHE was the one who said he was "underendowed," which didn't sound too flattering to me. For the record, size doesn't even make my top ten list, but your observation about possible self-esteem issues was spot-on.

Posted by: Pirate Jo at June 13, 2007 7:47 AM

Hmmm ... Let's see. He lied about his age. That's a deal-killer right off the bat. Now we're wondering if he told the truth about not being gay?

He really, really wants to be AC, but he's DC. He thinks that if he has a wife who believes he's AC, then he can believe it too.

This is a tragedy waiting to happen. The fellow needs help -- professional help. You'll be doing neither yourself nor him a favor by trying to take on the role he's got waiting for you in his fantasy.

Posted by: highlander at June 13, 2007 7:56 AM

Size is definitely in my top ten, mainly because of what Tena said. No, I lied. Top three.

Posted by: kg at June 13, 2007 9:03 AM

"Hmmm ... Let's see. He lied about his age. That's a deal-killer right off the bat."
Now wait a minute, I thought honesty in relationships was tres passe
(not_taking_know 5/22)

But seriously, Amy, where do you find these people? How does someone this clueless compose a coherent message and arrange for it to come to your attention?
Dear Amy, I've been dating this guy who always wears the same overcoat and has a boyish face. I sometimes hear coughs and other noises from his midsection and his feet and hands seem small. He always wants me to buy fireworks and go to R-rated movies. Whenever he drives he shouts out brakes! gas! brakes! Do you think he might be seeing another woman?

Dear Amy, I came into my apartment the other day and my ex-girlfriend was standing over my new girlfriend with smoking gun. There were shell casings everywhere and my girlfriend wasn't moving. My ex said to come back later, that they were just talking. Now my ex says my girlfriend is out shopping for my birthday which isn't for 10 months. Do you think she's going to get me an ipod?

Dear Amy...

Posted by: martin at June 13, 2007 9:04 AM

martin!!!!......don't do that!!!!....grilled chicken salad particles all over my computer!!!!!!!!!

Posted by: kg at June 13, 2007 10:17 AM

I have never known men who are underendowed to enjoy looking at photos of men who are better endowed. Just sayin. But then I have a sample size of 1.

This reminds me of a friend of mine who dated a guy and then found his profile on a gay dating site months later. It wasn't his face that she recognized.

Posted by: Shinobi at June 13, 2007 11:01 AM

This ends badly.

Posted by: snakeman99 at June 13, 2007 11:47 AM

Martin, that post was too funny. Actually I've wondered that too...where these people come from and how they've managed to put their shoes on the correct feet all these years. Although I guess that's not quite fair. I've done some STUPID things when in love. And this (http://www.cnn.com/2007/HEALTH/02/14/love.science/index.html) may explain why.
According to this article and the results of the study behind it, when you're in love, the same part of your brain "lights up" as when you're high on cocaine!
You shouldn't make life-altering decisions (like, um, marriage!) right after you've snorted cocaine, nor should you do so during the first few months with your new schmoopie because, at that stage, Cocaine:Lindsay Lohan :: You:Love.

Posted by: sofar at June 13, 2007 3:04 PM

The end of my post should read Cocaine:Lindsay Lohan :: Love:You. Silly analogies. It's been years since I took the ACT.

Posted by: sofar at June 13, 2007 3:06 PM

67 gay porn sites?!?!? If he really needs to look at shlongage there is plenty of that on straight porn sites. And this doesn't even touch the gay phone sex and personals.

Are some people so dense that a mountain of evidence is still weighed against the fact that he won't admit it?

Posted by: Snickelfritz at June 13, 2007 6:01 PM

brakes! gas! brakes!

Hee hee hee!

Posted by: Norman at June 14, 2007 1:34 AM

martin, you are hilarious!

Posted by: Chrissy at June 14, 2007 8:15 AM

She should send him my way.

Posted by: Darry at June 14, 2007 6:16 PM

Why, what are you? A therapist or a glutton for punishment?

Posted by: kg at June 15, 2007 12:24 PM

67 different sites? Yikes. She's only got a few options with this situation, and they all start with asking herself this question: Just HOW open am I sexually? Even if he is giving it to you to your own satisfaction, this man has a fetish for gay sex and at his age, if he hasn't participated in it, he's going to want to soon. It may be something new that he realizes that he's into, but chances are that he's been into it for a long time. I have found that people tend to let go of some of their sexal inhibitions as they get older. His could be a case of that, or it could be a case of the man who likes a little extra in his sex life. If you can't handle that. You should get moving!

Posted by: Deion at June 19, 2007 11:21 AM

I was engaged to a bisexual--who later went totally gay. Here's my insight: my fiance was a guy I dated in college. He suddenly reappeared 4 years after we graduated telling me he had to come see me (we lived about 1000 miles apart). He proposed the first night he got there, told me he'd never gotten over me, etc. Music to my ears. The tip-off was that he wanted to tell his employer (a church pastor) before we even told our families. I later found out he was under great pressure to "prove" he wasn't gay, as it would have jeopardized his job at his very conservative church. I think they must have had their suspicions. I was swept up in the romance, but my gut instinct told me something was wrong, that this was too fast to last. Two months into our engagement a friend told me they'd been out at a bar---and my finace was all over another man. My gut instinct had been right. Thank God we were "religious" and therefore, we hadn't slept together. This girl in the letter needs to wake up: he's gay AND has a tiny member. What's in it for her, anyway? I always ask myself "Would a man put up with this?" If not, I don't either. You will NOT cure this guy. But you can cure yourself from making the dumbest--and riskiest---decision of your life.

Posted by: Lauren at July 15, 2007 9:43 PM

I have never been so compelled to respond to an advice column article.
The girl needs to run, AND FAST!!
I was a 23 year old, newly divorced, single mother of 2 toddlers. I met a dashingly handsome man. Within days he said he loved me, and within a week wanted to become engaged. Despite my reservations of the speed of the relationship, he was nothing but wonderful to me and the kids and I was under the impression that this was a catch too hard to come by twice! Within 2 months we married and I became pregnant with my third child.
The sex dropped off drastically and no amount of me initiating intimacy could help. He claimed he was impotent, so that led to rounds and rounds of counseling and urologists, all to no avail. This was before viagra and the only way he could obtain an erection was to inject himself in the penis to perform. Deep down I felt he was not attracted to me even tho he begged me not to think that. But I couldn't shake it. I felt in my heart he wasn't sexually attracted to me.
And then came the night he turned me down yet again. I cried myself to sleep feeling unloved. I woke up in the middle of the night to discover him furiosly beating off to gay porn.
It all clicked. When he went to work I looked through the computer and discovered thousands of files, all gay, bi and transexual. He was also a porn addict so most of his energy went to masturbating to porn, all gay. We had the talks and confrontations. He was too scared to actually BE with a man, but he wanted to. HIs father was a retired Marine and he NEEDED to be in a family with a wife. So we lived in a co-existing marriage of him and his porn and me being lonely. I was celibate for 8 years. I thought I could hold out for the sake of the kids (WRONG CHOICE ITS THE WORST THING TO DO) but when my youngest turned 12, the thought of 6 more years just killed me. I met someone else. I divorced and I'm in the most wonderful, secure loving relationship I've ever known. My kids all see their mother happy and fulfilled and they told me, "Mom, we wished you'd have done this years ago!"
Saddest thing is, even tho my ex went off to have his gay experimentation, he stays sexually confused. He needs the kissing, touching and loving of a woman, but the sexual stimulation of a man. He is currently dating a woman, and still only getting his sexual stimulation from images of men.
After 13 years of being married this way....SHE SHOULD RUN!!

Posted by: Cathleen at July 27, 2007 8:27 AM

I've tried to think of something witty to say about this woman's situation but I all I can think of is......EEEEEUUUUUUWWWWWWW!!!!!!

Posted by: B.J. at August 31, 2007 10:30 AM

That IS witty and just about sums it up!!!

Posted by: Cathleen at September 5, 2007 6:30 AM

He lied about his age: Vanity & Dishonesty
He surfs gay porn: Gay
He lies about the gay porn: Dishonesty

You still look for reasons to be with him.

And you wonder why men complain about women with baggage!!!

Posted by: Smarty at October 9, 2007 1:21 PM

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