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Wow.

Excellent answer, Amy. (And maybe others would have said something similar, but I love HOW you said it.) I really hope it sinks in, and that she takes your advice.

Interesting how the LW wrote, "Still, he finds ways to make me feel I may not be the perfect girl for him".

as opposed to "Still, he finds ways to make me feel he may not be the perfect guy for me".

Thank you so much. The great news is, I e-mailed with this woman quite a bit, and she wrote me a week or two after the column ran to tell me she'd left him. She seems to get it now -- made my day to hear that.

That's wonderful! I hope all goes well for her.

I'm glad she left the guy. He sounded like the type of man that no matter what she would do, it would never be enough for him. She would quit her job and cook him dinner and then one day she would discover that according him she wasn't cooking the right meals and eventually she would be supposed to cook dinner and so on and so on. He isn't looking for a partnent, but a mother.

Never change who you are and never change just to please someone because someone will be unhappy. Either you because you changed or him because you haven't changed enough.

I am also glad she left the jerk. He really looked like a possessive jerk to me. If a crazy girl smash my IPod, I would be the last one asking her to marry me. Thank you Amy for putting some sense into her. Some people out there really need a wake-up call and you just provided one.

Good answer, Amy. This problem is similar to the letter in which the woman makes a vicious comment to a man about his alienation from his family, he wants nothing more to do with her, then she desperately tries to get him back. You congratulated him for dismissing this ball of "toxic rage" from his life. Except in this case, he's the ball of toxic rage in need of dismissing. Glad she saw it.

One less future episode for Dr. Phil's dysfunctional power hour, but once again you nailed it and helped someone who really needed a fresh pair of eyes.

Amy I think you acted as the big sister this young lady truly needed. Do you believe in karma? You just banked some.

I don't believe in karma, but thanks! For me, it's just thrilling to be able to make a difference by being my pushy, annoying, goading self.

I am so glad she left that guy, and I hope she is enjoying her new job!

She had some insecurities about that, but I gave her more advice, and suggested that some of her insecurity was brought on by how being with this guy was making her feel about herself.

Amy, you may have saved a life. Seriously. It's a fairly common known thing that most people are on their absolute best behavior pre-commitment, then start letting more and more show as the relationship goes along, but marriage usually has them "letting it all hang out". If he's smashing her phone and i-pod pre-engagement, can you imagine what he'd do after they were married. I think you were absolutely correct when you mentioned tether-ball.

I am so glad to hear that this girl safely escaped a potentially abusive scenario! Well done Amy! And well done Conflicted!

Cool.

Although I have the creepy feeling that this guy is the kind of "Narcissistic-Personality-Disorder-On-Legs"that may stalk an ex-girlfriend.

*shiver* Hope not!

Well done, Amy! I'm glad you helped her get out of what would undoubtably become an even nastier abusive situation.

Did you recommend that she read "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin DeBecker? That might be a good one for her.

"Potentially abusive scenario"??!

This WAS an abusive scenario, no 'potentially' about it.

I did warn her of residual danger from the guy. Also, just an FYI about what went into this column, I was careful to recommend a hotline/service that doesn't demonize men as the sole abusers in relationships. Women have less muscle mass and aren't as able to injure a man with their fists, but you can kill somebody with a lamp or a frying pan, whatever their sex, and women are abusers, too.

I'm glad to hear that she broke up with the guy. He was definitely a control freak with anger management issues.

A friend of mine just broke up with a guy exactly like this one. The unfortunate thing is that she blames her teenage daughter for breaking up the relationship because she fought with him, and refuses to see just how dangerous this man is.

Even if Conflicted had done everything he wanted, he would have still demanded more sacrifices from her. He would also have been unfaithful, as guys like this are usually narcissists and think everyone exists to serve them.

My friend is in a relationship very much like this one...the only difference is that she married the jerk. He seems to use the same method, tweaking aspects of her identity to gain control over her.
The last time I saw her, she had dyed her hair light blonde (from deep reddish brown) because he prefers blondes. One of my other friends (who lives in the same town as the "happy" couple and therefore sees them more) explained that he had been on her case to dye it for a year and had bought her a blonde wig to wear during sex.
Now, having changed her hair color to please him, all she has to do is lose weight. Because apparently 5'6" and 125 lbs (she used to be a dancer and has a gorgeous body, I think) is a bit too chunky for his taste.
Aaaaand she can't wear heals when out w/ him b/c it makes him insecure that she's nearly as tall as he is when she wears them.

Added to all of this is the fact that he, too, is grooming her to become a stay-at-home-mom. They want to have a baby within the next 2 years. You can tell how thrilled he is about it by the hilarious joke he made in the presence of their mutual friends about how he's stocking up on porn for when she "starts getting huge."

Sofar, I am sure I am not the only person to be completely baffled by the fact that your friend stays with this jerk, who doesn't even know when a joke is stupid and retchworthy instead of funny. For most women, guys like this are a no-brainer because it's so much easier to be happier when you are single than when you are with someone like him.

But maybe some people WANT to relinquish ownership of their lives to someone else. Making their own decisions is a responsibility they don't want to have to bother with. Most of us are appalled at the idea of a guy telling us to lose weight or dye our hair, but maybe she WANTS someone to tell her to do those things. It always gives her a goal to strive for if she doesn't know what else to do with herself. Maybe some people don't want to have to sort through all of life's choices and try to find the best one - they'd rather have someone else to figure it out for them and then set them on the path. Just venturing a guess ...

Here's a book for your friend -- Women Who Love Too Much, by Deborah Norwood.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0671733419?ie=UTF8&tag=advicegoddess-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=0671733419

Amy: It's a nice thing to hear the positive follow-up to this letter. I guess that's why "you 'da Goddess" ;)

I don't know what's more bizarre to me: That he got her a blond wig to wear during sex, the fact that she wore it, or that they told people about it in the first place. TMI anyone?

"But maybe some people WANT to relinquish ownership of their lives to someone else."

These people DO exist... it's a fine line indeed between certain "Alternate Lifestyles" and abusive situations. If she is indeed happy, who's to say?

Actually, I pretty reguarly get great feedback from people I bitchslap. Bitchslapping is pretty much my job, or a big part of it, the way I see it. I do laugh when I get letters complaining that I could be nicer.

I know its only one fact among many, but am I the only one who doesn't thing the blonde wig is a big deal?

Personally, I work hard to do/wear what pleases my boyfriend. Not because he demands it. But because it seems kind of a wise idea.

Snakeman,

I think it would depend on the context. Just as it is hot to occasionally dress like a french maid, and play boss and servant, it could also be hot to have one or both of you wear a wig during sex. I think the message here may have been closer to "I can only find you attractive if you wear a blonde wig" and that is pretty repulsive. If you only find blondes attractive, then why not marry an f-ing blonde.

My point exactly, Amy.

Obviously, I don't know Sofar's friend at all, but in another light ("you look sexy in this," "let's both try to live a little healthier," "I feel short when you're in heels") the husband's "demands" don't seem all that egregious to me. More importantly, I doubt these preferences were all surprises on their wedding night.

Also, if he's trying to "groom" her to be a stay-at-home mom, why does he seem less-than-enthusiastic about the prospect? I thought "THEY" were planning on having kids shortly?

Truthfully, nothing stated by Sofar suggests to me that he's trying to "control" his wife so much as insuring his own erection . . . which his wife has a vested interest in maintaining.

Even if you disagree with me (which I'm sure many will), I think its a big stretch to equate a husband who asks for what he wants with the LW's boyfriend who smashes things (people?) against the wall.

one caveat - I will agree that the porn joke was a bit crass and unfunny.

Shinobi - but what if the blonde thing is a new preference? Shouldn't he ask his wife to give it a go? People change their appearances all the time for job interviews and auditions and just because they feel like it. I don't think "because my spouse, who has agreed to devote their life to me, asked me to" is all that bad a reason.

snakeman, I think the thing that is troubling is the perceived lack of respect this guy is showing. As well, it doesn't sound like he is doing any compromising to make her happy, so it's not fair.

I think the responsibility for respect lies with sofar's friend. If you feel something is a knock on you, it's up to you to either not do it or get out of the relationship.

"I think the message here may have been closer to "I can only find you attractive if you wear a blonde wig" and that is pretty repulsive. If you only find blondes attractive, then why not marry an f-ing blonde."

Again, I put this back on her. I have, you could say...large breasts. I was dating a comedian for a while, and I realized he actually had a thing for women with boyish bodies and small breasts. I stopped seeing him. It's really damaging to be with somebody who wants what you're not, and it's up to you to do the damage control. That said, I think dressing up in different wigs/clothes to turn your boyfriend/husband on is a pretty damn good idea. It's a big world out there, and there are plenty of willing girls with wigs and nursie uniforms in it.

"...I was careful to recommend a hotline/service that doesn't demonize men as the sole abusers in relationships. "

Mwah! Next time you see a street vendor peddling your favorite flower, pick a nice one and put it on my tab! You are the best.

"It's really damaging to be with somebody who wants what you're not" -- well, exactly. And it's one thing if PRETENDING to be something you're not (like blonde, or a French maid, or a naughty inmate, or WHATEVER) is fun for everybody.

But it's no fun whatsoever to hear, over and over and OVER, how much more attractive your guy finds other women who are nothing whatsoever like YOU.

...and, Amy, I too am blessed with an abundance of curves on a small-average frame. Lots of men dig it, but of course lots don't. No problem; if that's what you're into, go get it. What's REALLY infuriating are the guys who are drawn to curves, are aware of a woman's proportions, LOVE 'em...and, then, ever so gradually, start slipping it in that they actually prize willowy, fashion-model frames.

I'm always outta there in two shakes when they start in with that business. If a healthy, slender woman who's in good shape but still has a little something to fill out her clothes is a PROBLEM, then it's only gonna go downhill from there.

Wait...I stated that badly. Let's rephrase it.

"It's time to move on if the shape a woman has when she's healthy and fit is all of a sudden a problem for her significant other, and he's all of a sudden all over her to morph herself a completely different body."

There...I feel better now...

People used to tell me I should be "open-minded" about dating short men (I have a height fetish), and tell me that, in a romantic partner, "It's what's inside that counts."

My response: "Not if you don't want to have sex with what's on the outside."

Exactly. As if it makes you (or anyone) "shallow" or whatever because you can't talk yourself into finding short men attractive.

The hard part is convincing everybody to understand that it's not personal. I dated a great guy recently, but I had to keep TELLING MYSELF what a great guy he was, even though I was thinking "he's too old, he's too hairy, and -- based on that last trip to the beach -- his toenails are just a little too yellow." There's a woman out there who won't object to that stuff. But I do, and it's all part of who he is, and it would be really shitty of me to sign on for anything with him and then bitch about it. So that means it just isn't right. Right?

Exactly right, Daisy! You can't control who you are attracted to, so other people telling you that you 'should' be attracted to a certain type (usually their type), is just manipulative and selfish on their part.

I have a definite fetish for tall guys too - 6' minimum, the taller the better. I also like guys that are fit, and can only handle looking at a very small amount of belly. Since I have to see them naked, I think it's only fair to insist that a guys' physical appearance is attractive to me.

I think that if a guy starts changing his preferences from blondes to red-heads, and you're a blonde, it just means that he's bored with you, and you should dump him and let him get a red-head.

Women really have to start setting limits and not put up with so much crap, just to stay in a relationship, which is the usual excuse that I hear.

"I think that if a guy starts changing his preferences from blondes to red-heads, and you're a blonde, it just means that he's bored with you, and you should dump him and let him get a red-head"

That's silly. If your appearance and style remains static I can assure you that your man WILL become bored with you and change his preference to blondes at some point. Then to brunettes. Then skin-heads. Maybe back to red-heads. As Amy so often posts, male sexuality is highly visually-oriented and receptive to new stimuli. If you want a happy long-term relationship, its on both of you to keep things new and interesting. If that means a wig or the occassional new hair color, or wearing a mini-skirt, or hitting the gym, I would suggest doing so. Or start dating women.

"If your appearance and style remain static I can assure you that your man WILL become bored with you and change his preference to blondes at some point." Maybe...but I don't think that's *exactly* what Chrissy is talking about.

I'm pretty sure we're all on board with Amy's earlier comments about being game and mixing things up for your guy. If the occasional naughty nurse outfit makes a man REALLY happy, what's so wrong with occasionally wearing one? Well...nothing.

The same goes for style. That's why I -- and every other woman with a lick of sense -- go out of my way to mix EVERYTHING up. Guys ARE visual. And they DEFINITELY notice when we buy a new pair of 4" peek-a-boo pumps and wear 'em with a pleated plaid miniskirt. Yes? No? I mean, I don't think Chrissy disagrees with that one bit.

I think the girls who have weighed in on this are talking about something that runs much deeper, and can turn really ugly. Like when a guy suddenly jumps all over his Jennifer-Lopez-shaped girlfriend to get cracking and become Lara-Flynn-Boyle-shaped if she knows what's good for her. Or vice versa. Then, when that imperative predictably fails, turns it into a convenient explanation for his wandering eyes...and other parts. THAT'S the kind of thing we find manipulative and unfair.

I liked the suggestion that Conflicted read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. Everyone could profit from reading it.

Thanks for the book recommendation, Amy (Women Who Love Too Much)! I used Amazon's preview feature and read a good 20 pages, and, there's some good stuff in there. We like to think of women (and men) who stick with manipulative, selfish people as being blind and weak, but, as the book explains so well, their masochism is really very complex.

Pirate Joe, I think you pretty much hit the nail on the head...my friend had very strict parents and, until she moved out after high school, her life was pretty much planned for her. I don't think it's a coincidence that all her boyfriends since then (her parents never allowed her to date while she lived with them) have been more than happy to take over where mommy and daddy left off.

Snakeman, I agree that changing up your appearance to surprise your partner and keeping in shape are essential in any relationship (I've been known to dye my hair red on occaision, but I don't notice a decrease in sex when I go back to being a brunette). However: 5'6" and 125 IS in shape. And a blonde wig during sex is fine, as long as sex also happens WITHOUT the wig. If a guy wants a super slender blonde, fine! He should then go ahead a find himself one instead of marrying a woman who can only be those things through extensive dieting and bimonthly trips to a stylist. BTW, the reason we found out about the wig in the first place is interesting. She waited until marriage to have sex, and the blonde wig came out right after the honeymoon...she asked another friend if "all guys" demand costume changes EVERY time they have sex. Apparently, if she won't put it on, he grumbles about having to do everything himself, takes a long shower, and takes care of himself in there.
In other words, if a man or woman needs certain physical attributes to get arroused, fine. What strikes me as disturbing about the guy is that, instead of finding a woman who fits his ideal, he has no problem sadistically "fine-tuning" a woman with low self esteem (or who "loves too much") who sacrifices her own happiness trying to be what they BOTH know she can never be. Only a person with abusive tendencies would want that in a life partner.
I'm glad that the LW got out of her relationship. Hopefully she can now find a life partner who tells her that he loves her so much that he would be unable to live with himself if she gave up a dream career for him.

"We like to think of women (and men) who stick with manipulative, selfish people as being blind and weak, but, as the book explains so well, their masochism is really very complex."

It isn't always even masochism, but something more akin to drug addiction. A really accomplished abuser can get an arm-lock on your self-esteem to the point where, although you are miserable in the relationship, you actually feel worse when you leave. For a little while, at least -- it does pass, just as the misery of going cold turkey from a drug does.

Yes, I did blunder into an abusive relationship once, and found it surprisingly difficult to wrench myself out again. Best decision of my life but, oddly, one of the hardest.

Mind you, he did not threaten me physically. I would be very surprised to hear that he ever murdered anybody, but not surprised at all if there were one or more suicides among his girlfriends.

Bottom line: if you haven't been there, don't judge. I promise you, it's much more complicated than you think.

I guess the women who are most likely to get stuck in a relationship like this are the 'pleasers', the ones who always try to make everyone happy, and sublimate their own needs.

Chrissy: Still a little oversimplified, I think, but there's definitely truth there. It's a very common pattern for young women, though -- tied as it is to low self-esteem, which is also unfortunately common.

Think of it this way: no fish with any sense would bite down on a bare hook. But what if the bait (romance, passion, sweet behavior) is so tempting that the fish doesn't even see the hook until after swallowing it? Not so easy to get it out then.

"She waited until marriage to have sex,"

Well, there's stupidity for you. Religious, or some other reason to fetishize virginity or "virginity"?

Another good book - Love And Addiction, by Stanton Peele and Archie Brodsky:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0451155386?ie=UTF8&tag=advicegoddess-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=0451155386

"She waited until marriage to have sex, and the blonde wig came out right after the honeymoon..."

Well, I guess I have to take back part of my original response - husband's preferences really WERE a literal surprise on her wedding night!

"Well, there's stupidity for you." - quoted for truth.

And just to be fair, guys have to work to keep the sex interesting too. If that means ramping up the romance, or creating atmosphere and ambiance, guys have to put the work in to keep their woman interested. It could also mean acting out fantasies that she is interested in trying out, not just yours.

"Well, there's stupidity for you. Religious, or some other reason to fetishize virginity or "virginity"

One thing I love about my stepdad. This is a very masculine guy who works with his hands and fixes, builds, knows everything and lived in many places....but anyways one thing I love about him was when I was 18 or so he asked me if I was having sex. I said "No I want to wait for the right guy". Then he told me this indirect story "When I was 20 I got married because I was a virgin and it was the only way for me to have sex back in those days. I love the children that came out of the marriage but it was the biggest mistake of my life. You look bored of life. Find someone you like but wait till you're 35 to have kids" (He was indirectly telling me it's ok to be sexually active before I was in a commited relationship and I was being silly to wait to "fall in love"). It was very good advice because he knew I had a good head on my shoulders. My first sexual experience was very pleasant and is a fond memory. And it did get me outta my boredom of life.

Absolutely amazing blogspot. I have been reading all night on different comments. There are some really interesting smart people in here. I will be a regular to this site. Amy, you are truly amazing and I wish more women thought like you.

PurplePen, your dad sounds like a very evolved man. You're very lucky.

Aww, thanks, Billy...I hope you'll request me in a newspaper near you.

Purple, your stepdad is a great guy. Too few people tell the truth about such things.

Great inight. Question for you: What book would you recommend for individuals (mostly my female friends) whose sense of security and 'feeling complete' is defined by a male appendage? No amount of advice from my part has proven successful (e.x. 'focusing on one's self' or 'living fully', blah, blah, blah). In fact, my advice is often construed as BS!

The Six Pillars Of Self-Esteem.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0553374397?ie=UTF8&tag=advicegoddess-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=0553374397

But, basically, if they don't yearn to have it and fix themselves, they're going to leave in under the bed.

Heather, they don't want to hear what doesn't fit into their world view, so don't waste your time trying. Behind your back your male-appendage seeking friends feel sorry for you, no matter how happy and content you seem.

I get the same crap from my brainwashed female friends, to the point that now I feel like lying to them about having a boyfriend, just to stave off the looks of pity.

Hi Chrissy. I hear ya! And in fact, you are quite correct in your presumption that I garner 'pity' from my peers. I actually am in a relationship, but only see the man once or twice a week. My relationship has been pegged as 'strange' or 'not real'.

Anyhow, lead by example is all we can do. A full-time man around won't make them happy. In fact, if my life revolved around one human male (and associated apparatus) I would be quite miserable.

That being said, I have often wondered where they think I should shove my advice...ha, ha.

another good book, out of print, but still a good fit has the obvious title "Why Do I Think I am Nothing Without a Man" by Penelope Russianoff

Excellent answer, however, if your career with overtime and travel are that important to you, prepare to be one of those thirty-somethings with a hard heart, soft belly and no prospect for true love and family.

Those tampon commercials have it all wrong, you cannot have everything.

Dear Conflicted,

Before you break up with the hot-headed man of your dreams, i'd suggest licking each of his toes, and then cutting off seven of them.

I was in a relationship like this 2 years ago. My boyfriend at the time told me he DIDN't like blonds and that I should dye my hair BLACK! I dyed my hair black and I hated it but I kept it for him. He also used to ask me for gas money to come see me...this is only a few examples of the things he did... Can you say loser? I ended up finding out that he was cheating on me the whole time and I finally ended it. THANK GOD... this girl was smart to get out!