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Once again, brilliant, Amy! If I were to quote my favorite line, I'd have to copy and paste the whole thing...

My favorite line: "shaking your fist skyward: “Why?! Why?! Why?!" Spewed my morning drink all over the keyboard.

After my wife died I was also told of the "one month per year" rule. I decided to ignore it. Instead, I would do whatever felt right, but be aware that I might be making mistakes. I reckon I learn more and quicker by trial and error.

It took me a couple of weeks to get over the "mourning widower, poor me" approach in my online dating profile, and use a "male, fun, outgoing, etc" approach. So far so good, and something like two years of waiting has been avoided.

It comes down to marketing. Find out what they want, and see if you can't give it to them. You need to choose time and place for airing your emotions. No-one minds a little emotion - in fact it can be good to show that you are in touch with your feelings - but only your shrink is willing to put up with it all the time. For a fee.

Brava, Amy! Egad, if only I were able to get this across to some of the guys I dated! Guys like to say how unattractive desperation is in women, well, right back atcha! If you can't really be there for the date, if you're still hurting that bad, do everyone a favor and just don't date! The world won't come to an end just because you won't get laid for a few months, or however long it takes you to get over the ex. But it is so wrong to bring your ex (or the thought thereof) with you on a date! Unless of course, you wear a T-shirt saying "Ganglebetis* sufferer! Approach with Caution (and a large box of tissues)!" YMMV

*definition posted on a previous thread

"Brava" - oooh, there's someone who matches genders!

"Guys like to say how unattractive desperation is in women, well, right back atcha!" A lesson some of us learn the hard way. The LW needs to mourn his failed relationship. This does not include dragging some bystander down into it with you. He should take whatever time he needs. Once he reaches a point where the ex-wife is an emotionally distant memory, or the only feeling he has towards her is resentment about alimony he should start actually dating. One night stands with old single friends you have wanted to boink for years is fine for the interm. Also trawling for fun at the local college or university could also be fun.

I think "Judged Joe" has got to get a bit of perspective. He says: "Wouldn’t life be better if women didn’t apply unverified beliefs about a man based on his being recently separated or divorced?" Yes, it's entirely the fact that women are using irrational criteria to judge him that his own charming self isn't getting many repeat dates. I have news--no woman is going to say no to a relationship with a guy she likes just because it's been a mere 6 months since he was dumped. The reason they're all saying no is because they don't like him. And the reason they don't like him is because he's talking about his ex all the time, and no one wants to hear that. And the reason many (or so one can infer from the letter) are citing the one-month-for-every-year "rule" is that then they don't have to have the uncomfortable job of telling him "dude, your whining is getting me down." It's more convenient to say no to someone by citing an abstract proverb than to say "it's YOU." So instead they're saying "it's just the way things are," rather than the truth. So you don't place blame where it should be placed. Nor do you get valuable advice about how to get better. By saying you have to wait 11 months, they imply that "time heals all wounds." But no, with a wound that is clearly so deep for you, you're going to need some extra help. You clearly want to talk about it with someone, so you should see a professional. And before you know it, you'll be ready for the dating scene again, and will be shocked at what a different scene it has suddenly become!

After a certain age there's a good chance that almost everyone in the dating pool has been in a previous long term relationship. If ALL women had these "unverified beliefs" it would take forever to hook up again!

When my current guy and I first met after a couple weeks of exchanging e-mails, we spent a total of about 27 seconds learning about each other's exes:

"Yup, I was married for a few years, we split after she cheated. You?"

"Hmm...that sucks. Married for 10...he hit me."

"Good on you to get out. Cheers!"

Next topic...now wasn't that painless?

Moreta, that's exactly the way to handle it. I'm dating someone who's also divorced. We didn't even mention exes until the first date, and then only to give a one-line summary of what happened. We may go into more detail as time goes by, but right now I don't want to know about his ex-wife. I want to know him.

Moreta and Monica, you guys sound very balanced about this stuff. I find that people, whether they are men or women - a lot of them have experienced divorces or the end of long-term relationships, and that is just part of life. People learn and grow from these experiences, and as you get to know someone and figure out what they're about, those stories are just part of their histories, and part of what shapes who they are today.

That said, if a guy is fresh out of a divorce and constantly crying in his Kool-Aid about it, wow, that gets old and damn fast. It has been a long time since I dated someone like that, but I still remember how annoying the whining got to be.

There may be a factor that's been overlooked in response to this man's question. I think a lot of women fear men who they know have recently broken up with a woman, whether he initiated it or not. I've found that many men in that position do indeed wish to "share a nice time and have sex with a woman," but that is ALL they want. Women who are looking for something serious may sense that and be afraid of getting burned in the end.

Amy - it would not be wise to commit to anything long-term when you have just broken up. I think the one-month-per-year rule may be a good guide for that. But these months can be a long lonely time. No need to put up with that, surely?

Long & lonely? What? No friends, no hobbies, no co-workers, no volunteering, no personal projects? If you're referring to sex, then I don't think he has to forgo that. But I'd agree its not cool to date under the pretense of being "available" if he's not. Most women don't put out on the first date, so he'd have to carry on under the pretense of building a relationship to get them there. If he can arrange a fuck buddy relationship, that's fine. Or, he could find a professional.

Long & lonely - you are right, I meant long & frustrating. But it's possible to have a relationship somewhere between fuck buddy and committed life partner. Something on the lines of "one day at a time," because a newly broken-up person should not be taking long-term decisions.

And what's this about "find a professional?" Amy's site - and Amy herself - often advocate buying sex from a prostitute. I can't imagine anything less likely to help with loneliness or frustration. Here's a man who knows:

http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/article3539987.ece

"Why do men go to prostitutes? To shag, is the short answer. It's a mistake to associate paid sex with feelings. Better to associate it with a lack of feelings, a big frightening void, an inability to communicate sexually and emotionally with a partner. Shagging a prostitute won't sort out emotional problems. You don't lie there pouring your heart out or wanting to save her from her miserable life. Why does a man need a prostitute if he's got a lovely girlfriend at home? No matter how beautiful the woman he's sleeping with, he just wants someone different, and then wants someone different again. Someone to take him out of his current reality, of which self-hatred is a decisive aspect. I never have sex with the same prostitute more than once."

I never meant to suggest he pretend a relationship with a prostitute by taking her out multiple times. Just take one to dinner with guaranteed results at the end of the night if that's what's missing. Sorry if I implied otherwise.

Perhaps I have a different definition of fuck buddy, as well. This is someone you can go out for dinner with, spend time with and/or drop in for a booty call. It's someone you enjoy spending time with for more than just sex, but you've come to an agreement that there'll be no meeting the parents, kids or family. No becoming bona fide members of the other's social circle and that sort of thing.

Every relationship should be a one day at a time type thing (until kids are involved), but pretending to be in one while just making the motions to avoid being alone...that's not cool.