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It could also be that the husband has no backbone to tell his stalker ex-girlfriend to get lost so he uses his wife to tell her.

Please. This guy's wife way overreacted. One brief phone call and another follow-up later does not a stalker make. And what kind of grown person, in this day and age, gets forbidden by his wife to answer the flipping phone and speak for himself? Poor guy.

Stalker, no, but insecure and disrespectful, yes. What kind of person wants to have that kind of conversation with a man who has just had his first child? Why would she think her "kind words" are more important or even slightly interesting in light of the new events in his life? She is an undercover low-life who WOULD be fucking this man if he just said the word, regardless of the new baby or impending marriage. So Brittneyesque.

I contacted my first real boyfriend about a year ago when I came across the website of his band. We talked on the phone for about twenty minutes and emailed twice. The last email he sent explained his wife didn't like our correspondence and that his marriage was very important to him so he couldn't contact me anymore. Instead of being slighted, I patted myself on the back for having chosen someone with strong morals even when I was 15.

Tim is being honest with his wife about who the ex is/was. The wife handled the situation when the ex called back. That's called taking care of home.

How about this important tidbit:

This is 2008 and she is still thinking about a phone call from 2000. That is 8 years. Thats a very LONG time. I'd think she would have had plenty of time to get over it by now. Or is this the reason she uses as an excuse for not getting married...

"Oh you know, I tried a while back but his fiancee wasn't havin it."

The wife over reacted. No question there. She's not insecure she just doesn't want her (the wife's) meal ticket wandering off.

I had the same situation where my wife spent the whole night talking to an ex-boyfriend, in person. Now I tried to be polite about it, pointless he's one of those musician types. Now I'm not allowed to tell her not to see him, that makes me a dick. Legally I can't stomp the crap out of him, though it would make me feel much better. If I can be a rational reasonable human being the wife should be able to calm down.

This individual has an extra bitter point with me. He had a "nervous break down" after fucking his way through college dropped out, got some mickey mouse degree. Now cause his girl friends daddy hooked him up he has the same career I do, I had to get an MS in Engifuckingneering.

So if I can keep this in check I see no reason the wife needs to be rude. She either doesn't trust the hubby or she doesn't trust the hubby. This is doesn't change the fact the LW is stalker esq.

Depending on long it had been since the LW and "Tim" were boyfriend-girlfriend, and how much contact they'd had since they broke up, the first phone call might have been quite innocent. However, the LW indicates "but I could tell his wife-to-be was right there", which suggests "Tim" was a little uncomfortable with the call. That was a clue and the LW should have gotten it and not phoned a second time.

The bigger question here: this phone call was EIGHT YEARS AGO. Dear god, woman, has nothing happened in your life since then that you need advice about?? Let it go!

Meal Ticket? What about (future) husband and father of her child?

The LW was pretty much out of line to call back. An initial call is okay for whatever her reasons may be - dry spell, who knows, however, if she really wanted to talk to him AGAIN even after knowing what it could potentially do to his personal life, she should just go to their next reunion.

Give me a break. All past relationships look good 8 years later, you only remember the good times, good things over any bad things.

I agree with loopychick, MOVE ON!!!

DESPERATION!!!!

You're getting to that age where you're eggs are dripping off one by one as each month passes and you're worried that "THE ONE" might have slipped away. You probably googled him hoping/praying/wishing he was still single because he was the best out of all the jerks you've dated.

***If that's not what you're thinking, you would have never mentioned your age and that you're single with a "BIG L" on your forehead.

---Honestly, for me calling up an old boyfriend is just weird and a little psycho. But I guess desperate times calls for desperate measures.

"Meal Ticket? What about (future) husband and father of her child?: Unless the guy is a complete ass the danger could only be that she pull him away from the wife, not the kid. Plus by the second call he was already married so it's clear that the wife doesn't trust him. He married the wife not the ex.

I'd agree that the LW is a little bent since the phone call she's asking about is 8 years old and the relationship is even older.

Amy you gave the opposite advice to the wife of a husband who got photographed with his ex at a party "cheek to cheek. Why is this situation different?

Ugh. Wow, this guy sure picks winners--wife and ex both are quite skilled at rationalizing inappropriate behavior. That is, the LW's actions are a bit odd--calling ex-boyfriend to tell him how much he means to her is not really the innocent gesture she tries to portray it as; but a wife screening her husband's phone calls is also rather paranoid--unless it was a matter of the husband saying "ugh, not this old wacko again! Can you tell her to go away, honey?"

Amy you gave the opposite advice to the wife of a husband who got photographed with his ex at a party "cheek to cheek. Why is this situation different?

I think the situations are different in that in this case, reading between the lines, it's clear that the LW's intentions weren't innocent. So a wife flipping off a woman who wants to have an affair with her husband isn't particularly paranoid or wrong. In the other case, it was the wife who was being paranoid and controlling, basically projecting her own insecurities onto her husband. So in that case, it's the wife who needs to reexamine her actions and deal with her own insecurities without micromanaging her husband's life.

Has anyone considered that ex-boyfriend may have let his wife (or asked her to) answer the phone to get rid of the loopy ex-girlfriend stalker that kept calling him to tell him "how special" he was.

I think LW is lonely and reaching out for a connection. She needs to join a therapy group and perhaps take some classes to get out and meet people.

"Your a woman, you can hold on to it forever." ~Marge Simpson

In all seriousness for a moment, alright its odd for her to ask about it 8 years later, maybe even weird, but some people never let go of things that bother them. Perhaps she was asking about this one from nearly a decade ago because she did not want to ask about something recent, it wouldn't surprise me if she's been percieved as "a threat" before, and was more bothered by that than the brush off itself.

Just a possibility. As far as the rest, well the wife wasn't exactly prohibitive against other women. She didn't try to order him to not have female friends or anything of the sort. She seemed upset about this particular incident because she percieved the old girlfriend's statement about "friends" to be a lie, and there was only one reason for that lie to her mind. To get into the pants of her husband.

Under those circumstances, I actually understand the wife's concern and request of her husband. However what I do not understand is why it wasn't left for him to cut contact if he had decided to do so. Either she has trust issues or he has backbone issues, maybe both.

I don't see a golden anniversary for those two, but given his honesty about the "old girlfriend", well he probably wasn't looking for an affair and at least he's got a thick honest streak.

Amy you gave the opposite advice to the wife of a husband who got photographed with his ex at a party "cheek to cheek. Why is this situation different?

This isn't the wife writing. I don't just dispense advice into the ether. I'm discussing the thinking of the woman who wrote the letter. If the wife writes to me, I'll advise her on whatever irrationalities I see in her thinking.

"This isn't the wife writing." Fair point realized that after I hit post.

"I think the situations are different in that in this case, reading between the lines, it's clear that the LW's intentions weren't innocent." Dancing closely with an ex isn't really innocent either. Touching faces (I'm assuming that's what she meant by cheek to cheek) in a photo means some level of physical closeness. I could see the point of the wife getting pissed about the photo. A phone call seams more amusing than anything else unless the wife doesn't trust the hubby.

Vlad,

You are forgetting that in the other example, they had been friends who emailed somewhat often and visited each other once a year. This is very, very different.

"You are forgetting that in the other example, they had been friends who emailed somewhat often and visited each other once a year." I'm not sure how that makes much of a difference. She's just some old girl friend calling out of the blue. If they get into a fight I'd think the good friend that has a crush on him would be more of a threat then some girl he dated back in the day.

If he's too chicken shit to tell her to go away and it's the wife doing it per his request it's a different story.

Re-reading the letter it seems likely that "hung up" called her ex recently, eight years after the original phone call in 2000. Two phone calls in 8 years doth not a stalker make.

"short for “the girl he had all the crazy sex with in college.” Chances are, she’s picturing you as the single girl who spends all her spare time and money hotting herself up -- while she’s on her hands and knees in stained, shapeless sweats and no makeup, cleaning up baby vomit. “Hold on a sec,” you tell the wife, “I think that’s the UPS man, delivering another shipment of my size zero slinky dresses"

Oh my goodness. That's exactly the kind of ex-girlfriend I am working on being. My current obsession is flat abs and for the first time in my life I got an ass!

I once broke up with a guy, regretted it and went to tell him. He said he was now with another girl (someone he knew longer than me). I met her before and she was plain as pie, he told me he liked her because she was 'simple'. I said "Ok I guess I'm out out luck". During our conversation me and him were alone in his apartment and he had to excuse himself to the bathroom cuz the sight of me gave him a boner. Yup he had a boner (pretty obvious) and he had to go to the bathrooom to jack off. For all that it's worth I found him incredibly handsome but his sense of morality annoyed me (it wasnt the type of morality I admire). I'm better off for it because a few months later I met my current squeeze and he told me the goal of our relationship was for me to learn how to fuck, and how to fuck good. He always says that once we end, that men are gonna ask me where I learned to fuck so good. I always think he's sooo adorable for saying that.

Purplepen.....I think I lost brain cells reading your post. Unless it was meant to be a parody, well-no, even then I still lost some.

Sarah my post was not meant as a parody. Literally I spend alot of time thinking about these YSL shoes I saw that I liked and I can at times be really bubbleheaded. My old supervisor, who treated me like his little sister, used to jokingly say he was suprised I didnt have a rich boyfriend. Even my friends say that! You can guess what they mean by that... But I also spent most of my days, like today hussling my ass in a male dominated field that I came to with the assistance of my brain. Trust me I spent many a day crying alone in the bathroom, like today because its about my brain and the competition is tough. Being cute might get me through the door but not the job, nor the respect. It's all about whats in my head. I blow off steam by having my personal life being shallow and vain. It really relaxes me, that and the thought of going to S. Africa for the world cup.

Ahhhh. Understood. The field I'm in (cognitive neuroscience) it has actually helped that I'm considered beautiful and smart, apparently there aren't *that* many around. Stop crying in the bathroom! Let the other losers do it after you beat them. :) Good luck!

I'm sorry but everyone is forgetting something fairly important. The wife just had a BABY. She was probably being a bit irrational and paranoid because of that. She probably feels fat and a bit ugly (and she probably looks it too) so she should get a little bit of slack.

However, why should the LW get any slack? It's obvious to anyone with half a brain (the wife included) that the LW is fishing to start something up again. And the LW is so self deluded that she has convinced herself that she has only good intentions.

Sometimes a stitch in time saves nine. By that I mean that one rude word straightaway can save a LOT of bother later on. That's why sometimes in a club I'll be over rude to someone, because ten minutes later I see some poor girl trying to escape his clutches, when I got away in 5 seconds. The wife just saved months of "friendship" with this scheming desperate home wrecker.

And all it took was one phone call.

"Hung Up" needs to wake up and get over herself. Dude's married, he's off the market and the false pretense of "friendship" is just that, false. My BF's ex called the house just once, since we've been together, and it was about their daughter, so I had no say in the matter. BUT I never called him when they were married, even after he followed me home from a gig one night and wanted to hook up with me. I just looked at him and asked "how could you do that to your wife?" He said not another word, and left, and I hadn't seen or heard from him since until his father passed away. Their divorce was already in the works by then. But I still didn't let him through my door until it was done.

The wife had that "baby" eight years ago ... and unless she popped them out consecutively after that, she has no excuse for not being up to par.

"I also spent most of my days, like today hussling my ass in a male dominated field that I came to with the assistance of my brain. Trust me I spent many a day crying alone in the bathroom, like today because its about my brain and the competition is tough." What field? And why crying in the bathroom, can't imagine that works too well for career advancement. Asshole Coworkers smell fear like sharks smell blood.

"The wife had that "baby" eight years ago ... and unless she popped them out consecutively after that, she has no excuse for not being up to par." However we don't know if she's pop them out like a baby gattling gun. She would only have had to just pooped another one just before the conversation to be worried. However if she recovered from the first and still looked appealing before the last one he'd be kind of stupid to leave. Now if she's done trying to look good for herself (and him) then I can see her batting the other women away.

Whether the LW called both times 8 years ago or whether one time was recent, I don't get why this is even bothering her. Amy's last paragraph is the one that gets to the heart of it.

If she really respects what this guy was for her then she'd just shrug it off and carry on. Whatever the motivations and sanity of the wife and ex-BF, its clear that by trying to establish any sort of contact she's going to cause shit in his life, so stay out of it. That train has left the station...catch a different one!

The fact she is bothered by it suggests to me that her motives aren't quite as pure as she claims. I ran into a high school friend/crush on the internet, and not knowing his circumstances, sent a note to see what was up. Unfortunate for my prospects, he was in a committed relationship, but he really was a good friend back in the day, so I just wished him well. Interestingly, he wanted to apologize for his surprise departure, but when that clean-up was done it was clear that talking to me wasn't good for his current relationship (oh yeah, there was still some spark there!), so that was that. Too bad, so sad...oooh, look at that hotty over there...

It also sounds to me like this call was recent, as though she thought about this man and decided to ring him up. In any case, the LW was looking to hear some regret about their relationship from this man, despite the fact that when she first called he was about to be married and when she called again, he was married. The problem was hers, not the wife's. If she and this man hadn't been friends in this long while after the breakup, chances are he had long since forgotten about her. When his wife told him who called, he told her that the LW was an old girlfriend he hadn't thought about in years. So when the LW called again, the wife saw her for what she was, a woman with a mission, and decided to sort her out. I figure if the husband wanted to rekindle a friendship with her, we'd be reading a letter from the wife.

The X had no reason to call. Unless the husband and X were friends before and afterwards.

And unless her call was inportant.(I.E.: I'm dying and need a kidney, ya'll know anyone). But if it was just to tell the guy he's was great when they were going out. The wife has every right to bit(ch back.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS LADY anyways. After eight years and she still hasn't gotten over the phone call. LMAO, I'm guessing she's one of those crazy X-girlfriends who can't seem to let go and is just giving us half truths here.

But even if it's been like eight years, why did the ex still have this guy's number? Seriously.

Actually, her having the phone number is the least weird part. Thanks to the internet and cheap long-distance directory assistance, it's pretty easy to find the contact information of anyone who isn't deliberately hiding it.

I've never bought into the idea of ex's as "friends" anyway. People don't fuck their friends; they fuck people they want to fuck. For the significant other, there's no way to know if you still want to fuck the person you once fucked, so it's prudent to assume you still do. Besides, you probably still do want to fuck them.

If you're in a relationship with someone, and they are "keeping up" with ex's, you're a dupe.