The fact that she was snooping at all signals a problem with communication. Snooping is always wrong and rarely does it give you information that will comfort you. If she felt there was a need to snoop, why didn't she feel the need to sit down and have a real conversation? She was hoping to find nothing or if something was found, confront him and have him apologize and promise to never do it again after a period of torturing, making his life miserable, all in an attempt in guilting him into being a perfect boyfriend. Keeping someone out of guilt or obligation is not building the perfect lifetime of happiness. She should get out and get therapy. He should just leave her.

Talk about over-reacting. One of the secrets of google's success is that it's a guilty pleasure whenever someone's bored. I've googled just about everyone's name I've ever known, including my own. (To my surprise, I actually hit me amongst a couple of other pages full of people with my name spelled my way; my last name has about a few dozen variant spellings.) I'm willing to bet most internet aficionadoes have.

So it likely didn't mean any more than he said it did and she's reading way too much into that. Most of us have old loves that we wonder about sometimes. Now we have such easy technology that that stray thought can very well lead us to the keyboard to google and maybe even to classmates and we find people sites. It's so easy that it really doesn't take much curiousity and a slow day to kill some time running their name.

Dude needs to run for his life unless he feels like being watched like a hawk the rest of his life. Even if he was guilty as sin and had contacted the old love and stirred up old flames, he is still involved with someone with massive insecurities. That's the worse case scenario she's imagining (and pretty unlikely) but what's left her if true. Getting the hell out of the relationship herself, not third degreeing and spying on every move he makes for however long they manage to last like that.

And, no, most girlfriends don't check their boyfriends cell phones and internet history. Not if they trust their love and if they don't trust him why are they with him? Frankly, though, I think she knew that she wasn't behaving normally given the way she opened the letter up with trying to justify spying on him.

Isn't Easy Being Green needs to repeat this mantra over and over again until she gets it: "Jealousy is a manifestation of my own insecurities."

I, too, used to be a snoop with boyfriends, and I'd justify it by saying that if he had nothing to hide, then he shouldn't be mad, because it was no big deal. Well, it is a big deal if you can't or won't trust your significant other, and I learned that one the hard way. Thank the gods I learned it in high school. The older you get, the less of this type of drama you need in your life. Heh. BF tells me all the time to open his mail, I still won't. Told him, I wouldn't like it if you opened mine. He says that he has nothing to hide, and I tell him I believe him, he just wants me to open and pay his bills! (Actually I do, but only because I have online banking. He gives me the money, I put it in the bank, the bills get paid. Done.)

I admit to doing some snooping on my ex-husband. In my case, I was 95% sure he was cheating and needed enough proof to leave with a clear conscience. I got the proof and I left, so I don't really regret it, dishonest though it was. So I won't criticize her for snooping, but I do think she's blowing this way out of proportion. The dude Googled someone, for crying out loud.

"I'd say most girlfriends check their mate's cell phone or Internet history,"

Bwuh, gee, I've never checked my mate's cell phone or internet history. And we've been together, oh, fifteen years now. It's only a couple of anecdotes, yet my brain is tempted to see a pattern. ;)

I'll add to the anecdotal evidence: I don't check my husband's cell phone or internet history either. I trust him and I treat him like I love him. As a result, I feel secure in our relationship. Sure, he could decide the grass is greener somewhere else, but I try not to behave in ways that might give him reason to think so.

If the computer is jointly owned, and they live together, I can see perhaps "happening upon" a browser history... which could make what she did a little less deviant. That doesn't appear to be the case, though. Has this woman ever googled an ex? Most likely. I certainly have. I've googled exes, bosses, friends, associates, husband's exes... pretty much everyone. I get bored a lot, and I'm curious. She did herself a SERIOUS disservice by "confronting him" about it. What did she hope to accomplish by doing that? Proving to him that she's a bit crazy? I don't understand women's need to "confront" men about stupid shit like this. Now, he knows she's sneaky and insecure and paranoid. And, he'll always feel like he's being watched... because he is!

This letter is why I am glad that my husband and I have separate logins on the community computer, and why I occasionally erase my browsing history on my laptop. Why put the temptation to snoop out there in the first place?

I have never looked at his internet history, and it never even crossed my mind to do so. I have used his phone to text message Google information (he was sitting with me at the time). I saw his other texts right there (the smart phone displayed them after my text was sent). I did ask him why he was texting so much, and he told me it was his way of keeping up with friends, and not to worry, so okay, that's that. He's my husband, not my child, and not my pet. I don't get to decide how he keeps track of his friends, male or female. I also return the money he leaves in his pants when I find it in the clothes dryer. It all sort of goes together into that big package we call integrity.

Check his Internet and cell phone history? Like I have time!

Crazy huh? I don't like looking at my guys email either, altho when we were purchasing a house and things were coming in via email.. status and stuff.. he would call and ask me to check it for him.. I told him.. No .. he said please, so I did. I had to keep asking him his password because I refuse to memorize it (drove him crazy but hey..) Not mine. Not my business.

This was the piece-de-resistance in her letter to you: "I'd say most girlfriends check their mate's cell phone or Internet history, so I think I'm not alone in looking."

She makes a false statement to suit her own twisted belief system and then proceeds to play the victim for the remainder of her letter.

Insecure to the max and THAT is what will destroy her relationship with this fellow.

Good on you, Amy, for spelling out what she needed to hear, not what she wanted to hear!

"Most" people check their SO's computer and cell phone history? Must be why most people break up. I have been with my husband for 19 years, living together for over 16, and I have NEVER, EVER checked his computer or cell phone history. EVER. Nor do I read his email. Or even open his email. Hell, I don't know his password. I'd ask if I wanted to look in his "man purse" for a totally legitimate reason.

I would stake this month's mortgage payment that he doesn't do any of this stuff to me, either.

It's call respect and trust, and either you have it, or you don't. If you don't, you're doomed.

And BTW, I've googled old boyfriends. And just old friends. It's called "idle curiousity." Does it mean I don't adore my husband, or that I'm unfaithful to him, or even considering being unfaithful to him? Not for a second.

The LW needs to do a lot of work on herself before she's ready for a relationship.

Phew! When I read the first few lines, I thought Amy was saying dump him. Luckily, I got to the part where his next girlfriend was going to be one who wasn't insecure, etc. Way to go. It's tempting, occasionally, to look at other people's stuff just to see what they're up to. I think that can go along with wanting to be involved in their lives. The problem is, if you ever once give in, you have a really tough time going back. Furthermore, as in this case, you might find things you don't want to see, in which case you have only yourself to blame.

I google a lot of people, including exes. Facebook makes it even easier. Doesn't make it mean anything. Dumb move on her part, and it's caused her totally needless pain.

Maybe your boyfriend sees a future with the ex, or needs to make peace with the past, or maybe he hates her and wants to see if she got fat. Worry less about what your boyfriend thinks of other women (which you have zero control over) sums it up perfectly.

LW will undoubtedly get the message after today: no snooping if you want to have a real, loving relationship built on trust.

I'm just so glad that LW and others like her have the courage to write to our "goddess" and ask for advice (new follower =)). If she's ever read the column before she wrote (and I'm sure she must have), she'd have to know she was going to hear the gritty truth, no matter how difficult it is to read - and she wrote anyway. Bravo, girl! Hopefully, lesson learned. Go forth and prosper. And, no more snooping, silly!

-E.

Gods...Had a wench like that once.

Many other wonderful qualities and virtues.

But there is a reason I said "HAD".

I always enjoy your acerbic wit, Amy, but there is one sentence in this column that I truly love for its succinctness: "You have no right to snoop in another adult's stuff."

That should become her mantra.

Your words are not wasted in driving your point home, if she gets nothing else from your column, those ten words should be taped on the ceiling above her bed so she sees them first thing in the morning.

What on earth made her think that this was okay? From her perspective, does she really want to spend her life with this man forever on the prowl for something she can hold against him? How can you relax and be comfortable in a relationship like this?

Even Perry Mason had a life outside investigative rooting around.

While I don't live with my boyfriend, I feel perfectly comfortable with him having a key to my house. Someone's got to in case I lose mine or lock myself out.

There's something truly liberating in having a relationship where you know your right to privacy is respected. It's a pity this letter writer will never know it.

It makes me think of my former landlord, and why I'm so glad to be away from him. He was helping me switch computers and uploading all my files from one to the other. When it was done, he started commenting on some of my files, and seemed utterly bewildered when I voiced my objections to him opening and perusing my files, something that is not necessary when transferring them one to the other.

Because he didn't ask if he could, and I didn't say he could. But to this day, he's utterly amazed at the idea that transferring files for someone doesn't give you the right to view them.

Really? You got a lot of folks siding with your letter writer? How depressing. Good grief! I have enough to concern myself with on my own plate, without seeing what's on everyone else's. I trust my abilities to know when I'm dealing with a lowlife. I'm not going to play investigative reporter for the evidence I may or may not find.

I have google alerts set for my current name, address, phone number. On the very rare occasions that something comes up, I move and take on the identity of another baby who died between 1955-1965.

I think most guys hit their women when the girls do something wrong, so I don't think I'm alone in....

This letter is why I am glad that my husband and I have separate logins on the community computer..

My wife and I have separate logins simply because I'm a slob. My Windows desktop looks just like my desk, with crap everywhere.

At last count, I had nearly 200 shortcuts on my desktop. I'd "clean up" my Windows desktop by placing all shortcuts into folders.

Within a month, my desktop (Windows) was "slobbed out" again. I guess what really intrigues me is how real-life slobs are "virtual-slobs" as well.

But why the surprise, virtual psycho's tend to be real life psycho's as well.

If I were he, I'd starting Google crap like, "How to live with herpes and aids" and "how do I know that I didn't accidentally give my girlfriend

This letter is why I am glad that my husband and I have separate logins on the community computer..

My wife and I have separate logins simply because I'm a slob. My Windows desktop looks just like my desk, with crap everywhere.

At last count, I had nearly 200 shortcuts on my desktop. I'd "clean up" my Windows desktop by placing all shortcuts into appropriately labeled folders.

Within a month, my desktop (Windows) was "slobbed out" again. I guess what really intrigues me is how real-life slobs are "virtual-slobs" as well.

But why the surprise, virtual psycho's tend to be real life psycho's too.

If I were he, I'd start to Google crap like, "How to live with herpes and aids?" and "how do I know that I didn't accidentally give my girlfriend aids or herpes? or "what are these blisters all over my penis?"

Sorry about the duplicate post Amy! I was checking my wife's internet history (since everyone does that) and accidentally posted the first message before it was complete.

Tony

I'd say most girlfriends check their mate's cell phone or Internet history, so I think I'm not alone in looking.

Notice she didn't say "most people." She said "most girlfriends."

I almost sprayed my coffee on my monitor, Tony! That was hilarious. I've made my share *ahem* of mistakes in relationships, but I've learned from them. I hope the LW can do the same.

"I'd say most girlfriends check their mate's cell phone or Internet history, so I think I'm not alone in looking."

Um, no. Maybe the women LW knows snoop around like this, but she shouldn't try and give us all a bad name. Sorry, but the way I see it is that women who snoop are doing so for two reasons:

1. They are insecure.
2. They think that their partner isn't really trustworthy (whether on a conscious or subconscious level).

NEWSFLASH: If you strongly believe your husband/boyfriend is cheating, LEAVE THE RELATIONSHIP. I always read about women saying they "need" proof before they leave the relationship... but if I were constantly worried my man were cheating I'd get the heck out of there as fast as I could.

Women like LW make me so mad I could just spit, because they try and make people think all women are down on their level.
It would be one thing if she had said something like, "Most women like chocolate."... but to say that most women snoop around on their mates?!?! Oh please.

Plus, I think we all have known or seen examples of men who already have a low opinion of women in general and don't need any more help lowering that opinion even further. (Funny, these same men with the low opinion of all women tend to be the same ones that get really indignant when women generalize about men.... can we all just stop with the damn generalizations already??)

I just wanted to leave a comment to say to everyone here this is exactly what I need to hear. I am a snoop and trying desperately to stop. Just by writing this is already helping. I know it is wrong. I know it is because of my insecurities. I think LW is in total denial, as I have been for a long time. I am engaged to a wonderful man who I love dearly, but I have been working away for three months. I would check his e-mail, then get a really warm feeling when I saw for the umpteenth time that nothing was going on. So why look? I can't explain that, other than I have a problem. Psycho, I know. Then I saw something (which was actually nothing) which has blown my whole problem up to massive proportions, basically highlighting to my partner how bad I've got. One good thing about it is that I am now speaking to my fiance about it, (he can be quite insecure, but never snoops!!) and he is going to help me as he understands my feelings of insecurity. I know I will push him away if I don't stop and if that happens, the problem will not go away. I am so lucky to have someone who can help me. LW is wrong, not all girlfriends snoop, I am an exception to the rule. None of my friends do it and it is wrong, immoral and will only cause more problems.
It is really good to read all your comments to reaffirm the fact that yes, I am a little crazy, but at least I know it and I want more than anything to change. I will end up a very lonely old woman if I don't.
My partner has now changed most of his passwords, but not his e-mail. I asked him not to because I know if I look I am only cheating myself and not beating this problem on my own. If I can't, then I'll ask him to change them, but I don't want it to come to that. I need to be strong.
So thank you, Amy and everyone else here. :)

Where to download the freeware stuff?

Where to download the freeware stuff?