Phrased another way, "I value fidelity, therefore, I will go out and purchase a home with a man who admits to being unfaithful in the past. Then I will be shocked to find out that he's still the tomcat he was before."

I wonder how long she's known this guy. I wonder how much money she's put into the house, and if there's any way out of it. Why did she expect the boyfriend (not husband, not fiancé) to change? LW's words suggest she's not being honest with herself. If Authentic Living means anything, it ought to start with that.

Why are people so willing to convince themselves that someone else has changed Just For Them.

Doesn't happen.

She's lucky she got the warning up front that he's a dog.

Concur with all of the above. How many times do you need it thrown in your face? Get some self-respect. Either that, or admit that your "values" are just empty words. I know that's harsh, but at some point you've got to stand up for yourself.

:facepalm:

I would have a lot more sympathy with the LW if she had written BEFORE she bought a house with this guy!

She is walking into this fully aware of what she is getting into.

Somewhere down the line she will probably act like she had no clue, so she can play the victim and get sympathy from her friends and family.

Cliche- But D'Nile is not just a river in Egypt.

There are a lot of people like this, who expect ethical behavior from other people -- but not out of a love of ethical behavior; simply out of a desire not to get burned.

Of course, the problem here is two-fold. This girl would be helped by reading a book by Nathaniel Branden called The Art of Living Consciously: The Power of Awareness to Transform Everyday Life.

In another book of Branden's (or maybe this one -- can't quite recall) there's a quote along the lines of "Self-deception is best accomplished in the dark." Reality is highly inflexible. It won't go away -- for long. It's there, waiting in your closet or under the bed sharpening its teeth.

Sounds like the guy's ex-girlfriend is smarter than his current one. So she values fidelity, finds evidence he's tried to cheat on her, and then says, "I tried to think of us as temporary, and enjoy the moments." Head, meet sand.

Excuse me, but if I was "authentic" and "valued fidelity," the next "moment" I would be enjoying would have been the speedy delivery of an ass-chewing and then shot-putting him to the curb.

"He knows fidelity is of high importance to me, has been honest about having major problems in that arena in the past, and talks about how faithful he's been to us."

Want to know what people are all about? Watch their actions, in particular where they spend their time, their money, and their credibility.

This guy now *talks* about fidelity, because he likely knows you place a premium on it. But is he acting that way? Not always, apparently.

Please note also that he did not come to you and let you know third party nookie is now on the menu for him. Not only does he try to duck fidelity's dmeands on him, he seems to want your fidelity to continue on, in ignorant bliss of his welching on the deal.

That is a really bad sign, my dear.

The human capacity for self-deception continues to amaze me.

Cheaters don't change.
You don't buy a houe with someone who is "temporary."
She knows damn well what she's getting into.

I'm sorry, but what is authentic livivng?

Knowing the guy attempted to cheat -- and then going into a large investment together -- is she a total airhead?

Not confronting him with the fact that she was checking up on him is one thing. She should have made a convenient excuse and gotten out then.

But then to live happily with him to the point of buying a house -- that is just stupid.

Her village called, they're missing their idiot.

She snooped in his email. That's a huge breach of trust... everyone's slamming her for buying a house with someone she already knew had a history of cheating, but not many people are discussing whether it's OK for her to pry into his private correspondence.

Prying doesn't make it OK for him to cheat, of course. But he's not writing for advice, she is.

This is why I will never, ever buy a house with a partner. Or have joint accounts. Be able to walk from anything - that way, if you stay, you'll know it's because you really want to be there.

Not practical for folks with kids, I know.

And it wouldn't be "cheating" if they could both be open about it.

"I'm sorry, but what is authentic livivng?"

I think it's a new Oprah or Martha Stewart magazine. Next month's feature article: "Get Real, Eat Real, Feel Real: Why Your Man Can't Share His Emotions."

Thanks Vi for saying what I'm concerned about. She pried into his email. How is that not cheating him? All of her worries are moot when she will willingly go into his private correspondence and be surprised what she finds there. The whole relationship is a scam. There is nothing authentic about it.

I'm pretty sure that "email snooping" was a topic in one of Amy's more recent columns. I don't it's necessarily being ignored here, it's just a secondary issue this time.

I'm pretty sure that "email snooping" was a topic in one of Amy's more recent columns.

It was: Cache Him If You Can

If your boyfriend's next girlfriend thinks he's being kind of forward on the first date,...

"I tried to think of us as temporary, and enjoy the moments."

...and then I bought a house with him. Yahtzee! Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

This reminds me of a family friend's daughter who married a guy not real keen on getting married and emphatically didnt want more kids. The signs were all there he wasn't a good choice for marriage/family but no, she wanted it, as the clock was a tickin.

She got it and when she (a nurse) pulled the "oops I'm pregnant! I don't know how that happened!", the marriage fell apart. The guy was stupid to marry her and not get snipped but I can't have any sympathy for her either. Now the gal plays the woe is me card, how tough the life of single mother is. Yawn.

The LW will fall into the easy role of the victim in this scenario, aided by the social acceptance of the woman as victim, deceived by the 'horrible cheating man'. It's an easy out, and absolves her of any responsibility for her decisions in life.

I hear this crap all the time from some of my female friends. They date an asshole and then complain that he's an asshole. I tell them that they picked him, they must enjoy dating assholes (not getting any sympathy from me!).

There's no trust in their relationship and no honesty either, on both sides.

Chrissy, so after you tell them that, then what happens?

She probably gets accused of slut shaming and selling out the the patriarchy

Y'know, I'm a slothful, ungenerous, distrustful and small-minded kind of guy... But I'll never understand people of either gender who are obsessive about fidelity. I've just never seen the point. The women I've dated (and upon occasion married) who have energy about this are always proportionately miserable.

> There are a lot of people like this,
> who expect ethical behavior from
> other people -- but not out of a
> love of ethical behavior; simply
> out of a desire not to get burned.

Maybe the finest words you've ever written. They suggest that good love isn't zero-sum game.

———

Apropos of nothing, absolutely nothing--

Whatever happened with the NOAA guy? Did that just fade away like it was supposed to?

Does it bother anyone else that her opening line begins with, "About a year ago..."? A year ago?!

Authentically Upset is a moron or a doormat.

If you thought he was cheating you did not need to go any farther. That is like 100% that women waste time and money on. If you are going to the effort to check then you already knew anyway.

Go ahead, be his doormat and don't come running to anybody when he cuts your legs out with some girl in the living room when you come home from work.

I'd cheat on her as punishment for her tortuous therapy babble!

She expected this guy to cheat from the start. Even if he is magically faithful to her now, she will never fully believe it. This was over a year ago.

Let's stop trashing for a sec and look at this positively. LW found out that boyfriend tried, unsuccessfully, to cheat. She knew he had fidelity issues. So she thought of the relationship as temporary and enjoyed it moment to moment. Great! Now that they are buying a house together, it is impossible to think of it as temporary any more. Yes, it is time to air out the fidelity issue. No need to 'fess up to snooping. Time to have a serious heart-to-heart about faithfulness, and ask point blank if he ever cheated on her. If her gut tells her he can't be trusted, then leave. There are men out there who are faithful by nature. (I found one.)

I am not big on the fidelity thing, which I am honest about with the guys I have relationships with. It always amazes me how some dudes seem to view this as a challenge. Which always ends badly.

OK, I said that badly... By not obsessive, I meant: Once you've announced that you're being faithful to someone, and you really are being faithful, it's very difficult to put up with a suspicious nature.

"Also, if you want something, tell him. You're probably far more intuitive than he is -- directness works better on men.

And sorry, unless you changed your hair from blonde to dark green, he probably won't notice."

Ah, Amy, thank you for that. We males (or at least speaking for myself) are often oblivious. One of the worst things is when your wife/gf/so asks in frustration "don't you notice anything different?"

Uh, um, give me a hint, um...

Which is actually really odd, since as Amy also accurately notes, a woman's appearance is actually important to guys.

Bradley13, you're spot on with that. I tried to be proactive yesterday, asking my wife if she'd had her hair cut. She hadn't.

Let me get this straight... she knew a year ago that he tried to hook up with his ex, and yet she went ahead and bought a house with him!?!

Why is I can never meet anyone so stupid?

When my friends don't get the sympathy they're looking for from me (with respect to them dating assholes), they know enough to not ask my opinion anymore. They don't break up with the guy, they just keep it as their shameful little secret.

I'm not obsessed with the fidelity issue either. If you're in a no-strings-attached relationship, that would be the conditions involved. Usually the guy thinks it only applies to them though, which is weird.

i am kinda big on fidelity but i am married and i would hope that would make it ok to expect it. maybe that's just me.
to me moving in together is suggesting a much bigger commitment that either of them are really ready for. she is playing house and he is taking advantage of the extra income she has to help him buy a nice house in this "cheap house" buying economy.
i imagine she never said anything before because she would have to fess to snooping but how did she snoop? i mean my husband trusts me with his passwords and i trust him with mine. i am pretty sure we both occasionally check each other e-mail accounts but of course we have nothing to hide. it's not much of an invasion of privacy when what's yours is mine and what's mine is yours.

Exactly what is the relationship between the LW and unfaithfully hers? If dinner's on the table one doesn't have to go out to get a bite. It's just as possible that the LW is withholding party favors causing UH to seek a cherry bomb for fun and excitement as relief from the dud at home.

Oftentimes, my circle of friends and the media make me feel like faithfulness isn't a part of men's DNA or something (figuratively). However, I recently read an article on Betty Confidential with quotes from men about their wives that made my heart smile. Here's my favorite one:

"What do I love best about her now? Her unconditional acceptance of me and the kids. That together we are building a life -- like a work of art in process, each time we do something it is another stroke on the canvas. I don't know exactly how it all going to turn out but I know she is the major focus of the painting."

Now THAT is inspiring.

it is better for u to discuss the matter with him. rather than regretting it.

My husband always notices when I cut my hair. He notices everything! Also, he CAN read my mind. This can be annoying, like when I've done something naughty...like making a huge mess in my office, and closing the door so he wouldn't see it. He correctly intuited the reason I had shut the door, and made fun of me all evening. On the other hand, it's useful, too, like when I AM upset about something, but too sheepish to bring it up.

I've made some very poor choices when it comes to men, but I always promised myself one thing...if I feel the need to snoop then I will just leave. My privacy is very important to me so I always respect it in turn. The fact that she snooped shows that she didn't trust him. As far as authentic living, violating trust in the form of snooping through email is (in my eyes) as big of a breach as cheating, so she needs to define authentic living and decide if its a one sided thing. She obviously loves this man so she needs to decide if she can look the other way because it is something she will have to do throughout their relationship. It does work for some people very nicely, but if she cannot live with that then forget a discussion, she should leave. If she leaves she needs to figure out why she would remain in a relationship with a man who acknowledges fidelity issues when that is so important to her.