Nice job, Amy. Especially:

"Your boyfriend apparently feels you're worth the risk, and is trying to move on, which is a bit difficult with you hanging off his ankle, wailing about how sorry you are. "

Everyone makes mistakes, but when you can't move on from them, you will create the exact result you feared to begin with.

"Oh yeah, and assuming honesty will be an important part of your future together, start by cutting the lame protestations about how disgusted you were -- every time -- as in, "Oh, this is so disgusting...here, just let me write back once more...oh, I'm so grossed out. SEND!"

Damn. That is a keen observation about human nature. The person is trying to reclaim decency status in their own mind by condemning the conduct...yet continuing it. I am going to file that one away, with a small mental credit given to the AG.

@Feebie: "Everyone makes mistakes, but when you can't move on from them, you will create the exact result you feared to begin with."

Exactly. My comment to LW is this: You might not think too much of yourself because of what you did. That's understandable, up to a point. Some boyfriends would consider sexting a break-up offense. Others might hold it over your head. But your boyfriend thinks enough of you to offer the gift of forgiveness. Do you think enough of yourself (and him) to accept it and move on?

The Goddess writes:

Oh yeah, and assuming honesty will be an important part of your future together, start by cutting the lame protestations about how disgusted you were -- every time -- as in, "Oh, this is so disgusting...here, just let me write back once more...oh, I'm so grossed out. SEND!"

Spartee writes:

Damn. That is a keen observation about human nature.

Isn't it though?

The person is trying to reclaim decency status in their own mind by condemning the conduct...yet continuing it.

I don't necessarily think that there's insincerity operating. It is possible to find the instant gratification of some illicit act to be enticing, then later revolting once the "buzz" is gone.

Frankly, I think her boyfriend is making a mistake. It's pretty clear that she would still be doing it if she hadn't been caught, which tells me she's sorry she got caught but not sorry she did it.
This may be also why she can't stop apologizing. He's forgiven her for sexting, but she knows her real offense is that she would still be doing it if she could get away with it. Different issues.

This may be also why she can't stop apologizing. He's forgiven her for sexting, but she knows her real offense is that she would still be doing it if she could get away with it. Different issues.

Now, that's an astute observation! And totally on the money. There's an awful lot of people out there who whine about getting caught out regarding their bad behavior, but is it really because they're sorry, or is it because they're sorry they got caught? Too many times I've called someone out on their bullshit and been told "Well, I'm sorry you feel that way." As if putting the onus on me absolves them of their shitty behavior.

I don't know. Maybe we're being a little too harsh. It sounds like she was leaving the guy on the back burner, a nice handy backup. Technically, there might not be much difference, but seriously... who among us hasn't done that?

"Too many times I've called someone out on their bullshit and been told "Well, I'm sorry you feel that way." As if putting the onus on me absolves them of their shitty behavior."

Oh yeah - this is a hot button issue of mine. I knew someone who pulled this a lot. A rude loudmouth who didn't seem to have any sort of social filter whatsoever, who would blab whatever stupid thing that popped into her head that she thought would garner attention.

When called on this, it was, 'Well I just call things the way I see them and have a right to my own opinion.' Riiiiight. You're not stupid and rude, it's OUR fault - we're like the thought police, trying to stifle your right to your own opinion and all but trampling your first amendment rights. It was so obviously just a way to avoid responsibility for her actions and never be wrong.

"As if putting the onus on me absolves them of their shitty behavior."

This is something that always bugs me about cheaters. They get their jollies, then dump the responsibility of repairing the relationship on the SO. They want the SO to forgive them, absolve them of their guilt, and move back to life as normal. True, this case was entirely in the virtual realm (according to the LW) but how would she react if the roles were reversed? Would she be capable of doing what she desires her boyfriend to do now she has been caught?

I think she needs to examine her motivations for sexting the other guy as well as think about how she would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. Perhaps, whenever she found herself in a 'tempted' situation again, she should think about how it would feel if her boyfriend was in her situation and gave in.

And lets not forget those who want to have it both ways: "I'm really sorry, it's just that . . . "

I hear it all the time. Attempt to absolve one's self by apologizing, yet defend the behavior by trying to justify it. Drives me nuts.

Justifying or defending the poor behavior in *any* way, completely negates the apology for said behavior, IMO.

My boyfriend left for three hours, then returned, saying we've invested too much to walk away.

LOL - cause you can never invest too much time in a skank who sends pornographic messages to strangers they've met on the internet.

If I were the LW, I'd take another look at boyfriend. No decent, self respecting, guy would tolerate what she's done - especially if he'd thought that they were in a 'serious' relationship. So she's got to figure out what his real deal is - i.e. why's he really sticking around.

I like the monogamy plan idea, Amy! Any ideas of what that might look like?

She and her boyfriend are early-on in their relationship, too - the time when you should be crazy in love with each other and far too busy with each other to bother texting some stranger online. If she is doing this kind of thing right away, when things are supposed to be at their hottest, how is she going to be in a couple of years? If she's not that into him now, she probably never will be.

A few years ago I dated a guy for two or three months, and it seemed like things were going great. Then I found out he still had a big thing for his ex, and was still calling her all the time. (She lives in another state.) I thought, if he's not that into me right now, in the beginning, before he even knows what all my faults are, he's NEVER going to be that into me. And even if he got over his feelings for her, it's not like they would ever switch over to me at that point. I was pretty much stuck in the role of rebound girl and never had a chance. So I dumped him.

I agree 100% w/ Railmeat - "Justifying or defending the poor behavior in *any* way, completely negates the apology for said behavior, IMO."

One helpful lesson I took away from a Zen-based weekend workshop was to stop the apology just before the word "But..." Has proven very helpful, esp. in my marriage!

And, kids, it's "I'm sorry for what I did" - not "for how it made you feel," as though what I did was fine & you overreacted, so I don't really need to apologize ... Life's messy, when you make a mess, clean it up!

"I am sorry. I will fix this by doing ______"

That is an apology. Don't accept anything less. And tell non-apologists that they are not forgiven if they come through with less.

Apologies are an important part of human relationships, and people simply are not told how to do this, it seems. My test: any apology that contains an accusatory "but" or is not also coupled with the apologizing party describing, in detail, how they will rectify the misbehavior is not a real apology.

"Everyone makes mistakes......."

"... who among us hasn't done that?"

I wonder what the majority of replies here would be if the genders were switched? If the boyfriend was "sexting" behind the LW's back?

Probably something along the lines of, "Dump that worthless jerk........."

"He's so disposable......"

Hey, SM777, I agree that I would not dismiss her behavior as no big deal. This woman has some character issues to deal with. She knew this was probably not kosher, as she was deleting the texts to reduce the chances of discovery. So sustained dishonesty is something she is able to engage in. Big warnign sign. I am sure she can rationalize it away as no big deal, I didn't mean any harm, etc. Most people can, right Governor Sanford?

Amy is right to suggest some intramural discussion about how these folks define monogamy. Different people have different standards of what "cheating" is. This sort of stuff may or may not qualify, depending on the person. She knew she was somewhere near that line, though, and didn't bother to let him know that sexting with third parties was on the menu for him too. Again, bad sign.

"I wonder what the majority of replies here would be if the genders were switched? If the boyfriend was "sexting" behind the LW's back?"

For the record, mine wouldn't have changed.

I wonder if LW is subconsciously trying to sabotage her new relationship with risky behavior?? If someone did that to me, it would be a deal breaker-an unacceptable character flaw. After listening to hours of tearful stories about a useless Richard Cranium brother-in-law whose judgment is impaired by his weiner, I believe character flaws are innate and can't be overcome. Sexting is personal, I don't care how anonymous the sexter claims it is. LW can consider this a learning opportunity and hope it never comes up again. I certainly wouldn't mention it anymore.

I wonder if LW is subconsciously trying to sabotage her new relationship with risky behavior

It really doesn't matter. She's embarrassed that she's been caught and confuses that sentiment with remorse.

The error that people make when trying to analyze this sort of behavior is to assume that it's intentional, or somehow subconsciously motivated. But more often it's not. People like the LW are typically impulse driven. They may try to rationalize their behavior after the fact, but they honestly don't know why they behave the way that they do. It just feels good - it's a 'naughty thrill'.

If she really cares about her boyfriend, she'll cut him loose so that he has a chance to meet someone worth his time. Their relationship is effectively over.

"Their relationship is effectively over."

Or perhaps just beginning! The boyfriend may have years of lying, subterfuge and selfish behavior designed to obtain thrills for her while keeping him in the dark. Sounds like he has experience with those situations, so he may be more okay with it than most people.

I wouldn't be so sure that this boyfriend is so forgiving especially if his past girlfriend cheated. For LW to write about that means he has some scars. He's a glutton for punishment or is trying to repair old wrongs. I agree with the comment that the timing is off. This is when the relationship should be all about butterflies and fireworks. At 5 months there shouldn't be work or drama yet. The fact that she is sexting a stranger and sexting similar things to the boyfriend shows that she is looking for attention and should take a step back and look at herself. I believe that there are times people cheat that should be forgiven. I'm not a big believer in monogamy, but I also think that her sexting would be more understandable once the relationship was years old and hit a boring rut, not when it should still be fun and exciting. I don't consider this cheating as much as red flags that both of these people should be looking at!

"Justifying or defending the poor behavior in *any* way, completely negates the apology for said behavior, IMO."

How do you respond to the question, "Why did you do this?"

It seems that ANY response is going to justify or defend the behavior.

Lamont

I think we're talking about 'I'm really really sorry but....' The word 'but' has no place in an apology.

To those saying that the word "but" has no place in an apology...what if you want to give some kind of rationale for the other person to grasp? Not to transfer or share blame, but to understand what issues or limitations you have.

"I'm sorry, and I shouldn't have said that, but it's something I need to work on. It's always been an issue of mine and I'll try harder. But that's not an excuse, and again, I'm sorry I said that."

what if you want to give some kind of rationale for the other person to grasp? Not to transfer or share blame, but to understand what issues or limitations you have.

or both!

I know that I had a chicken on my penis, but everybody loves chicken!

I actually really, really like this column of yours and the advice given in it. This is not a usual occurrence for me.

Texting can get you in lots of trouble. There is no doubt that thousands of relationships have ended as a result of the wrong text ending up in a loved one's hands. I myself texted a client, "I love you". He didn't appreciate it very much.

I don't know, I agree that there is some fake disgust going on. Maybe she is misinterpreting guilt for disgust. I saw a similar thing on a show where a woman said that she preferred good looking guys because they were more confident with all that comes with. Yeah, that's how they got confident, because women preferred them, but I think the looks come before the confidence, and I think that the woman was trying to deceive herself about how shallow she really was. Not that she has a lock on the supply of self-deception.

Wow. I pulled myself away from SurvivingInfidelity.com long enough to read Instapundit, and I end up with this.

That's a slap in the face to a betrayed husband.

If you want to see real pain caused by infidelity, even electronic infidelity, hang out there for a while. If you can.

> but seriously... who among us hasn't
> done that?

I always thought that maintaining a bullpen was strictly a woman's technique... Men are supposed to be concentrating on the current at bat, not the next one.

Amy,

You get better flakes than Dr. Drew on Loveline (I am listening to it now).

Love the way you responded too.

Patrick - the statement works much, much better if you say "I'm sorry, and I shouldn't have said that, AND it's something I need to work on."

She cheats. She will do it again. If that's OK with you, go with it. Otherwise, move on.

When I was cheated on and asked her "why did you do this?," the knee-jerk answer I got was "I don't know." After more talking, the answer was revealed to be "I just got curious." Since she owned up to it after it happened and her apology seemed sincere, I forgave her and we continued the relationship for another year, after which we broke up after we both lost interest.

I got the real learning experience afterwards, when she immediately pursued one-night-stand boy after we broke up, and tried to hide the fact whenever we crossed paths. At that point I learned my lesson and just moved on. I learned that most of the time, people can only be expected to change their ways so much. I also got a sense of what standards I should have, and what I should not tolerate. I make it clear to prospective dates that I expect honesty in a relationship, even if its about how they are losing interest or want to break it off... I don't have the time or immaturity for deceit and head games. As Amy said in another post, to be ready for a relationship you have to be able to take one or leave it.