Etiquette says he breaks it off, she keeps it. She breaks it off, he gets it back. In this case, being his family heirloom, I say give it back. Had it been bought for just for her, I'd say keep it.

I look at the rings a little like earnest money in a real estate deal. You intend to commit this legal contract, and here's a little insurance for the other involved party to prove that you are in fact serious.

There are actually laws in some states (New York for instance) that say the man gets the ring back no matter what, 'no fault' breakup.

Why would you want to keep it?

Exactly right. A gift is the giftee's to do with as he or she pleases, but an engagement ring is not a gift. Keeping it for revenge, memories, or even just to pawn all cost too much emotionally. Think of the guilt you would feel at being vindictive, especially since it could well hurt the man's mother. Realize that the ring's presence will only remind you of his rejection of what it represented and slow your moving on. Returning it may hurt in the short term but will feel liberating in the long run.

"Etiquette says he breaks it off, she keeps it. She breaks it off, he gets it back. In this case, being his family heirloom, I say give it back."

Momof4 - completely agree with you and Amy.

Engagement ring disputes in the legal world are usually treated like a breach of contract cases and generally speaking the ring goes to the party who didn't do the breaking up... (unless the other party dies before marriage, Urbanus v. Burns, and the fiancée did something to prevent the marriage prior to death - yes, there are REALLY cases like this out there). Basically, there are ALWAYS exceptions...details, details, details....

When I was engaged, and it was more or less a "tie" as to the breakup (he did actually have the final say in the manner after an ultimatum made by me was lampooned). I gave the ring back. In all honestly, I legally *could* have kept it - but really, why would I want to? And how would that ultimately make me feel (especially doing it out of a resentment)?

I like what Amy had to say about living by your own standards - you really can't go wrong heeding her sage advice.

Feebie,

You say that engagement ring disputes in the legal world are usually treated like breach of contract cases. However, according to this website:

http://marriage.about.com/od/rings/a/ringreturn.htm

The only listed state which handles things that way is California. Most states they list handle engagement rings as a conditional gift where if the marriage does not occur it must be returned.

I am 100% sure there is more to the story than the letter writer is saying.

But yeah, if you want to keep the ring, call him and/or his mom up and tell them that you intend to keep the ring, because of, well, whatever reason you feel entitled to it.

Oh, give the ring back already. I suspect deep down, it's probably more important to your ex's mother than it is to you, so you'll look ridiculous if you don't return it.

One more thing -- you'll undoubtedly find a new boyfriend, and you two might want to get married. Do you really want to explain to him why you still have your ex's mother's ring?

Stop being a big baby and give it back already! It's of no sentimental value to you, and it was his mother's. Whyever would you want to keep it, except to rub salt in an already festering wound? Let it go.

Karma baby Karma.

Keeping this family heirloom cannot be good for healthily coming to terms with what happened and moving on.

Give it back...it's the right thing to do and you won't regret it. To echo what others have said, why would you want to keep the symbol of an unfullfilled marriage promise? Keeping it makes you (look) petty, spiteful and materialistic...giving it back makes you (appear) classy.

The California Civil Code would require you to give the ring back (if you live in CA, obviously). Plus, why would you want to keep it? Revenge? You're better than that.....

The ring should be returned, no matter who broke it off. I understand the desire to be petty about it, especially if his mother was a jerk, too (no indication that she was).

Returning it makes you look good.

You return the ring. It is not yours your relationship doesnt exist anymore and it was his mothers. Do the honorable thing and return it. What would you do with it? sell it?

I agree with Amy and the concensus - give the ring back. It's classier and it is an heirloom. I am going to mildly take Amy to task, however, for saying that he is a jerk for breaking off the engagement. Unless she edited out some critical parts of the LW, words like "hijack" seem insufficient to bestow the jerk label. He may have had a good reason to break off, or not. He may be a jerk, or maybe she is.

I think of a young man I know who recently broke an engagement to a woman when he finally realized that her abundance of large red flags (cheating, abuse, etc.) was a good indication of what a life with her would be like. She had her good points I guess, but a reasonably wise observer could tell she was basically psycho. He asked for the ring back, which she literally threw at him. He is now wiser, but in her mind - and when telling her friends - he is a jerk.

Yeah, give the ring back. Presumably the LW was in it for the relationship, not the presents. Since the relationship is gone, there doesn't seem much point in keeping tokens. Plus, think of it as a mental housecleaning -- clearing out all of the cobwebs of the old relationship, and making the place nice and sparkly for a new one.

I live in California, I live in California! :)

Thanks for the link, Kara.

Only a total dipshit would keep it.

PS. My fiancée owed me money - and I still gave the ring back...that's why *legally* I could have kept it.

Details, details, details....

If he was a jerk, be glad you found out not as opposed to after a few years of marriage and kids. Things don't always work out and its always better before a bad marriage to know this than after. Give the ring back. It was a family heirloom. It has memories connected to it that were supposedly happy. Why hold on to something that has no sentimental value to you when it so obviously does for his mother. Move on and give back the ring.

Give it back. It's tacky and petty to hang on to it.

momof4 writes: Etiquette says he breaks it off, she keeps it.

Where did you hear etiquette said this? It was my understanding that when the engagement is broken off, the ring is returned, regardless.

Give the ring back, but after taking the stone out first.

:)

That this came up as a question at all shows the guy knew what he was doing when he broke it off.

"Only a total dipshit would keep it."

I have to second that.

I'm guessing she is tempted to keep it so she can pawn it for the money.

I see nothing to indicate the guy was a jerk so I presume Amy has left out some possibly important bits of the story here.

He's a jerk to accuse her of hijacking the ring before she actually has. He probably feels threatened and is getting pressure from his mom to get it back.

Should have said "he was a jerk to accuse you, in advance, of hijacking it."

He did this via e-mail - limited word count sometimes gets the best of me. Try not to remove too much. Maybe did in this case.

My ex-husband had given me his late grandmother's diamond engagement ring. When I left him, I left the ring as well. It's a family heirloom and belongs with their family. I left a very expensive set of pearls that were a gift from my mother-in-law. She had worn them on her wedding day.

Later on, I needed help because two close family members had emergencies. I was able to count on my former family, not my blood family, during these times.

I have never regretted my decision to leave the jewelry behind.

Give it back, and when he gets engaged again, if you ever run into his new fiancee, you can smile sweetly and say, "Oh, I THOUGHT I recognized the ring."

"Earnest money on a real estate deal". Ha. If this was an age where the ring was the key to unlock the sacred box (so to speak), that would be one thing.

This does show how and why divorce is so nasty these days. Women have whore friends who are quick to tell each other what they deserve (like the ring), and women are suckers for this kind of talk. Lawyers learned this, and baddabingbaddaboom, divorce lawyers get rich.

The engagement ring is the consideration in a contract. If for some reason, the contract is broken, the consideration must be returned...
In case people here don't see marriage as a contract, they should look it up. It's a very enlightening subject as is the subject of marriage licenses...

ok LW - if you want to play dirty and look good, replace the real rock with a cz and return the ring to his mother magnanimously. Then put the diamond in a mount you can proudly wear as a trophy. Your karma will catch up with you for beings such a scumbag, but you'll come off looking better than you do by just keeping the heirloom!
A classy woman would knock on moms door and hand it back to her (original rock intact) with an apology that things didn't work and offer well wishes for whoever does end up wearing it.

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