Call Wading
My ex-husband and I were married for 19 years. We've been divorced for two, and have two sons, 17 and 20. He married a woman five years older than my oldest son. Amazingly, that's not my problem. It's that he calls with the pretense of checking on the boys, then talks about old times, and drama old and new. I realize his wife's so young that he can't start conversations with "remember when," but I need to move on with my life.
--Getting Yammered
You, too, need to start a conversation with "Remember when," as in, "Remember when you divorced me and married that other woman?" He could be delving into the milestones of her life, like where she was when Britney and Justin called it quits. Not surprisingly, he seems to prefer adult conversation with a woman who knows who he is and where he's been. Inform him, kindly and politely, that from now on, you'll only talk about the children; that is, the children you gave birth to. He's made his bed, and tucked a very young woman into it, and it's time he focused on things they have in common, like how 10 years ago, he was driving carpool and she was riding in one.
Comments
I've been toiling away in my laboratory, trying to come up with a way to get unwanted callers off the phone. After concocting various potions, hypnotic crystals, and robotic devices, I finally hit upon the solution: HANG UP THE DAMN PHONE! Ingenious, no?
It's that he calls with the pretense of checking on the boys, then talks about old times, and drama old and new... but I need to move on with my life.
The one not letting you move on with your life is you. You do not have to continue to talk to the man. I have an addendum to Amy's advice: if the children are there, the next time he calls to check on them, say to him "I'll let you ask them that yourself," and then get one or both boys on the phone to talk to Dad directly. Or tell him to start a blog if he feels people need to listen to his "drama old and new." Or suggest he get on one of those websites where you can look up old classmates so he can reminisce with them. Anything but let him manipulate you into a conversation you're too polite to end. Unless of course you secretly like having him want you again (it would probably make me a little smug, too), in which case my above advice still stands, but with a subsection: have somewhere else you need to be, preferably out meeting new people. Being unavailable will drive him crazy, and eventually you really will be moving on with your life.
Posted by: NumberSix at March 9, 2010 10:38 PM
I remember when I left my ex-husband and came back to Montana, I was thirty-four years old. I was staying at my best friend's house, and she is a much more social person than I am.
She was involved in social groups with people of varying ages, and there were a lot of young men (college boys) around who seemed to find me fascinating. Verrrrrry good for the old ego, especially when you're fresh from an unhappy situation.
I asked one of them why he was always over when the town was full of coeds. His words were "They can only talk about clothes and Jon Bon Jovi." (Yeah, I know. Aeons ago.) It didn't hurt that I looked good and had that experienced older woman thang going on.
I have a point wandering around here somewhere...oh yeah. Even horny young guys like to converse sometimes. Young ladies, bear this in mind. When the sexual novelty wears off, it helps to be clever, and even surprise them with smarts now and then. (Also, keep in mind that very few things are actually "awesome".)
As for this guy--he should be trying to find some mentally stimulating common ground with the new wife, not pestering the former one. (Who I think is kind of bragging as much as complaining.)
Posted by: Pricklypear at March 9, 2010 11:07 PM
All of the above stuff was because I got focused on the age difference. I'm thinking about LA Story and the Steve Martin and his fluffy little blonde.
Posted by: Pricklypear at March 9, 2010 11:14 PM
THE Steve Martin? I gotta go to bed.
Posted by: Pricklypear at March 9, 2010 11:14 PM
"The Steve Martin" reminds me of last night's "Big Bang Theory" where Sheldon talks about "the coitus." And I once heard Bush say it and thought it was hilarious, so now I always say I'm using "the Google." Don't know why, but putting "the" in front of words is almost always funny to me.
Posted by: NumberSix at March 9, 2010 11:36 PM
NumberSix, you should be an advice columnist.
Posted by: Patrick at March 9, 2010 11:42 PM
I get the impression that the LW is the one that has the problem here. She pretends to be all over it but drops passive-aggressive little comments like:
"Amazingly, that's not my problem"
"I realize his wife's so young that he can't start conversations with "remember when.."
She takes the little pot-shots at the new wife...leading me to believe she isn't as OVER this as she would have us believe. She's part of the problem - keeping the past dragging on and on. All she has to do is not answer the phone when he calls, be too busy to chat or let the kids answer. Do all communication via email instead.
I bet what she wanted to hear with all this is how she's amazing and the new wife sucks. Which is pretty much what she got...a la "new wife is too dumb to talk to".
Posted by: Karen at March 10, 2010 5:29 AM
As soon as I know it's my ex on the phone, I always call either #1 or #2 or both: "Girls! Your dad's on the phone!" and then I put it down until one or the other picks it up. If they're not home, I say, "Oh, sorry, the girls aren't here right now, can you call back later? I'm in the middle of something." Whether I am or not. I speak to him when he comes to pick them up. That's it. I will not speak to him at length on the phone for any reason, because it's too easy for him to segue into other crap that I don't care about anymore.
Posted by: Flynne at March 10, 2010 6:18 AM
Karen, FTW.
Posted by: Spartee at March 10, 2010 6:39 AM
NumberSix, I do that too. I say "The Yoda" when it is clearly just "Yoda." It drives my star wars-crazy boyfriend nuts.
Posted by: Kate at March 10, 2010 7:45 AM
Pricklypear advises: "Young ladies, bear this in mind. When the sexual novelty wears off, it helps to be clever, and even surprise them with smarts now and then."
Yes indeed. Clever conversation improves your appearance, whether there is sex involved or not. I was a college professor, and one of the perks of the job was the opportunity to admire attractive young women. (I strictly followed a policy of "look, don't touch.")
By the end of the semester, when I had read many papers my students had written and heard many comments they had made in class, the smart ones looked a lot prettier than they did at the beginning. The airheads looked a lot less so.
Posted by: Axman at March 10, 2010 7:49 AM
Sounds like something slightly less crude than something I used to say to friends:
Their bodies are why you want to fuck them. Their minds are why you still want them around the next day.
Posted by: Robert at March 10, 2010 10:10 AM
Pricklypear:: I don't mean to burst your bubble; however, the guys were interested in you because you looked good and were much less work to bed than the young coeds. In their minds, any conversation is incidental.
Young guys usually take the path of least resistance with women.
Posted by: David H at March 10, 2010 10:12 AM
NumberSix wrote: ""The Steve Martin" reminds me of last night's "Big Bang Theory" where Sheldon talks about "the coitus." And I once heard Bush say it and thought it was hilarious, so now I always say I'm using "the Google." Don't know why, but putting "the" in front of words is almost always funny to me."
How about "The Patriarchy" which is used by feminists. It conjures up images of a group of elderly men in white robes who meet in secret locations to scheme how to benefit men by oppressing women. Such meetings would involve outlandish rituals. And edicts would be given out from some sort of Patriarchy Central to men around the world. Meanwhile, the Knights of the Patriarchal Order would ride around on horseback defending The Patriarchy, and celebrate their victories over root beer. And men would be issued Male Privileges™ cards as a bonus just for being male.
In fact, I'm the Chief Patriarch of my own special republic. It used to be called Utah.
Posted by: Thomas Fullery at March 10, 2010 10:40 AM
David H : I have to disagree...Do you know how easy the average coed is to bed? Half of them are at a bar or party half smashed before you even have to open up your wallet to buy a drink!
I seriously doubt this 34 year old women put up less resistance.
Posted by: CC at March 10, 2010 10:59 AM
She doesn't state that he's flirting or implying anything, so it may be that he just wants to talk. They'd been together a long time and I'm guessing that their split was relatively amicable if they're still speaking regularly. But it's apparent that she doesn't feel as though she can move on with him bringing up the past and the events of his current life.
I don't think that it would be too much for her to ask him to use his discretion in what he tells her.
But I don't see why the age of his new wife is so relevant. Like Karen observed, her statements seem passive-aggressive.
Posted by: Molo at March 10, 2010 11:02 AM
"Do you know how easy the average coed is to bed?"
You're focusing on the wrong end of the relationship. Many inexperienced girls are still disillusioned by Disney. "What do you mean you don't love me? But we just..." I want them to get over their princess thinking before they get on me. I swear it took me like 4 months to dump this one chick. Not worth it.
Posted by: smurfy at March 10, 2010 11:57 AM
Thomas: wow, way to take something amusingly fluffy I said and upend it so you have a soapbox to stand on. I don't necessarily disagree with you, but please do not use my obviously joking comments as a launching point for your (not related to this column or its comments) issues.
And, Kate, I'm totally using "the Yoda" next time I have a chance. I feel like Blanche Devereaux when I do it; you know, how she always says "Mr. Burt Reynolds" and "Mr. Mel Gibson" and "Mr. Father Mulcahy from M*A*S*H." Come to think of it, I sort of do that, too. I was watching the US-Canada hockey game and I was rooting for Mr. Suter over Mr. Weber (both Predators).
Posted by: NumberSix at March 10, 2010 12:58 PM
NumberSix: I feel like Blanche Devereaux when I do it; you know, how she always says "Mr. Burt Reynolds" and "Mr. Mel Gibson" and "Mr. Father Mulcahy from M*A*S*H." Come to think of it, I sort of do that, too.
Here's a very funny bit with the actress who plays Blance Devreaux (Rue McClanahan, and the character is from Golden Girls). She's in the musical "Nunsense," playing Reverend Mother Regina. It seems one of the nuns (Sr. Robert Anne) discovered something in the little Catholic girls' locker room, and is very concerned.
Reverend Mother Regina is about to find out what it is that has Robert Anne so concerned. It's delightfully funny, and I hope you all enjoy it.
Posted by: Patrick at March 10, 2010 1:20 PM
I got nothing substantial to add, so I'll throw this in for NumberSix: When I was a teenager, the DJs at the local progressive rock station always referred to one of our favorite bands as "the Pink Floyd". To this day I have no idea why.
Posted by: Cousin Dave at March 10, 2010 2:04 PM
David H: Oh noes! You burst my bubble!
Actually, re-reading my post, I don't see where I said I slept with any of them. Of course, if any of them were as charming as you, how could I resist?
Posted by: Pricklypear at March 10, 2010 2:59 PM
the DJs at the local progressive rock station always referred to one of our favorite bands as "the Pink Floyd". To this day I have no idea why.
To differentiate from the other Floyds, of course. That Chartreuse Floyd can really rock.
Posted by: NumberSix at March 10, 2010 3:48 PM
LW: "I need to move on with my life."
Have you actually *told him this*, i.e. that you want to move on with your life and want him to stop calling --- in those words, or something similar --- or are you just hoping he magically sees it from your perspective one day and picks up on it? Men aren't good at mindreading (or even 'hints'). I'm just asking, as it sounds to me like you might possibly be being just polite enough that he doesn't realise it. You were married 19 years and have kids together, he may just assume it's obvious that you remain an important part of one another's lives. If you have told him a few times and he's still not getting it, OK, that's one thing, but many women often try to be 'nice and polite' when they really don't actually want to be.
Posted by: Lobster at March 10, 2010 4:44 PM
Thanks for the link, Patrick. Hilarious! I'm always up for watching a couple of butch nuns dance.
Posted by: NumberSix at March 10, 2010 8:45 PM
I am amazed at times how some people can take such an easy problem and make it so complicated. (True that is one of my rules of life, but still.) I mean time and again my gf is chatting with a friend and it is getting late and she wants to sleep. But the friend keeps going on and on. I say just tell her your tired and your going and then go.
The same with this letter. Tell him sorry I don't want to reminisce now or later. be polite, be nice but be forceful. Stop being to nice! I learnt this with crazy Korean missionaries. Say HI, no thanks and go.
Posted by: John Paulson at March 11, 2010 1:17 AM
two words: Voice Mail. Just because the phone is ringing doesn't mean you have to pick it up. I can hardly believe at 17 and 20 the kids don't have their own cel phones.
Face it LW, you just like the fact he still calls you at all, and that his new bride isn't all that he made her out to be is just pure emotional honey to you. If he left her tomorrow you'd probably offer him your couch.
Posted by: Tori at March 11, 2010 11:04 AM
I agree that the LW probably enjoys the attention on some level. It's easy to delude herself that there's something missing in the new marriage if the ex still talks to her. Maybe there is. Or maybe he just has a lot of shared history with her, and apparently some affection and neediness remains. But this is a really easy problem to solve if she wants to solve it.
Posted by: MonicaP at March 12, 2010 10:01 AM
