Bodhi Call
This man I dated for two weeks is sensitive, spiritual, talks with trees, appreciates astrology -- basically, my ideal match. But, I think I messed up, repeating bad patterns: I kissed him first and had sex too soon. He called twice at 9:30 p.m., wanting me to come over and see a movie, but we ended up naked again. I asked him out twice -- but only because he often waits till the last minute to decide anything. (I don't know why one has to play a game of letting the man call.) I also asked if it was safe to open my heart to him. He said, "Why don't you ask your heart that?" That was the last I saw of him. I called him, and he said he didn't "feel a romantic thing," and that I'd shared my feelings too fast. Help!! We had a past life together where I was the man and he was the woman, which he himself mentioned, yet now he's not even sure we can be friends.
--Distressed
No. You didn't. Two weeks in, you didn't really ask a guy, "Is it safe to open my heart to you?" Answer: "Only if you open your front door at the exact same time so I can get the hell out of here."
Forget the old "anything worth having is worth waiting for." You're a woman in a hurry. Anything worth having is worth cornering like a trapped animal. Unfortunately, guythink doesn't work on that timetable. Yeah, he might be sensitive, spiritual, and chatty with trees, but he's still a guy. The usual rules are in effect. For best results, you don't kiss a guy first, you don't initiate dates, and you don't chirp "I'll be right over!" when he calls at 9:30 for a movie date at 9:35. What's playing? Surprise, surprise, cable's on the fritz, but he's got a cell phone camera, and he could shoot you two doing it.
There's much sneering about game playing as a form of deception, but it's more of a social intelligence test -- a way of signaling people that you're worth having or hiring. In a job interview, it probably means showing up in a dress and heels instead of your bra and underwear and clown shoes. In dating, "playing a game of letting the man call" is how you avoid playing the game of begging him to call after he loses interest. You know this, but you diss game playing to give yourself a pass to do what you know doesn't work, but works for you in the moment: throwing yourself at a guy and hoping against hope you'll stick. ("Hmmm, maybe if I rub my naked body with Super Glue?")
This hoohah about who you supposedly were to him in a past life only helps distract you from how you keep coming back in this one: as a bug under a man's shoe. Do the work to fill the empty places in yourself so you won't continue these desperate attempts to plug them with a boyfriend. Only when you're okay alone are you fit to start looking for company. At that point, "playing the game" will come naturally. You won't have guys calling at the last minute because you'll seem like a girl who'd be busy -- too busy having self-respect to make like Domino's and have yourself delivered. Forget whether a guy's into astrology; it's whether you have dignity that determines your fate with him -- not the fact that you were both born when Capricorn was in 7-Eleven.
LOL. Too funny. Maybe he suddenly rememberered what a twit she was in their past lives and decided to bail while the going was good...
Chunks at May 25, 2010 7:00 PM
Years ago I learned Amy's advice the hard way. After that, whenever I wasn't sure if a guy was still interested or if I found myself making all the effort, I made the decision not to contact him in any way. And the silence I got back was all I needed to move on.
...fyi, if a guy is truly into you, he won't leave you alone.
sofar at May 25, 2010 7:26 PM
Rush much?
See if she remembered being a man in a past life...seems like she'd remember what would send us running for the door...tent flap...cave entrance...whatever era they supposedly lived. *L*
Why is it the loopiest people who believe they'd lived past lives, are the least likely to respect the values and dignity of the era they think they lived in?
I don't pretend to guess at how the universe works, I don't pretend to know if we have eternal souls. I know the world is weird, and I apply the best reason I can to it.
(Interestingly, General Patton claimed to have remembered living past lives all the way back to the period of the Roman Empire, amongst the figures he believed himself to have been, is one of my personal favorites, Hannibal Barca.)
I'm not saying I believe in reincarnation. But with the world as weird as it is, how much weirder would that make it? *L*
You went about it the right way Miss Alkon, why challenge nutty beliefs...when faced with utterly insane behavior?
Frankly, I'll never understand why someone would talk with firewood. What could trees say that would be interesting enough to talk about?
"Sure is windy today. Leaves are turning again...wtf are you doing with that ax...get away from my trunk!"
No thanks. *L*
Robert at May 25, 2010 7:33 PM
Amy, I may need to sue you for grievous bodily harm, since I just spent ten minutes laughing my ass off. Most of this letter sounds like someone researched Amy and all the behaviors she hates and quilted them into one insane advice request. But there's something about this one that rings true. I think it's this:
I asked him out twice -- but only because he often waits till the last minute to decide anything.
That rationalization seems real. She knows that the "game playing" (actually letting a guy be a guy) works, but she has a really good reason for why she's ignoring that.
I'm betting he's her "ideal match" because he just agreed with everything she said. Dollars to doughnuts he only brought up the past lives thing after she said all the other crap that he said "Really? Me, too!" to.
We had a past life together where I was the man and he was the woman
Dead Again is a really great movie. Terrific non-Shakespeare team-up of Kenneth Branagh and Emma Thompson. Also, Andy Garcia smokes through a tracheotomy stoma, which is both disturbing and mesmerizing.
NumberSix at May 25, 2010 10:17 PM
Well ya gotta admit, they WERE made for each other. Two nuts going around talking to trees....geez, where's she suppose to find another catch like that?!
Jan at May 26, 2010 12:22 AM
Thanks, NumberSix!
Amy Alkon at May 26, 2010 1:58 AM
I like to read some of the game sites like Roissy in DC. And one of the props he uses in seducing women is the what I think he classify as "chick crack". Chick crack is things like astrology, past lives, auras, palm reading. Using said stuff will help you get into some girls shorts.
Heck I even paid a little tribute when first starting out with my girlfriend. Listening as she talked about Aura and psychic healing. Now as I pay no heed to that crap. I will not disabuse her of believing in it but I will not pay attention.
As to the OP really look at this guy does he really believe this stuff or does he just use it as it gathers a woman interested into the man. I mean what a way to show you are spirtual and in touch with your feeling by saying "I am Scropio and that explains why I am such a ......"
John Paulson at May 26, 2010 3:11 AM
"prick" is the word you're looking for I think John.
Ltw at May 26, 2010 5:10 AM
"basically, my ideal match"
Except for the minor detail that he isn't romantically interested in you.
"talks with trees"
"with"? Is that like how some people talk to their plants, or do the trees actually talk back in this case?
"We had a past life together"
WTF? Looney-tunes..
Lobster at May 26, 2010 5:21 AM
Oh, for Pete's sake! The poor thing is drifting through life like a particle of plankton, hoping to latch onto happiness. From what I've heard, some believers in reincarnation think that successive lives are opportunities to evolve spiritually, which fits perfectly with Miss Alkon's advice. Evolve some self-respect and dignity. The happiness will follow, but not because a man brought it to you, or had it for you to take.
old rpm daddy at May 26, 2010 5:23 AM
Good lord, we let these people vote.
/sobbing
Spartee at May 26, 2010 5:44 AM
He waits until the last minute to make plans because he wants to see if something better comes up. Next!!!
NicoleK at May 26, 2010 5:48 AM
Ooooh. I loved the super glue on the naked body line. Can it be glitter glue? Please? hehehehe.
rsj at May 26, 2010 6:10 AM
rsj
Stuck on You
Ltw at May 26, 2010 6:31 AM
In a job interview, it probably means showing up in a dress and heels instead of your bra and underwear and clown shoes
I dunno Amy, I'd hire you. I might ask you to lose the clown shoes though.
Ltw at May 26, 2010 6:34 AM
Ok, I've had my fun, time to be serious. On a bit of a tangent perhaps.
LW, I'm not going to say anything to you about astrology, past lives, talking to trees, and all that. I don't believe a word of it, but then I believe that drinking till 2am then getting up at 6am for work doesn't count as drinking in the morning - so who am I to judge? What I am going to say is - don't fall for the "we have so much in common" stuff. Firstly, guys will nod their heads to just about anything early on - especially if it's booty call time and their other date didn't work out. Secondly, it's overrated. Obviously you have to have some stuff you can do together without gritting your teeth, but you don't have to share every opinion to be happy together. Sometimes opposites do attract.
Go find yourself a nice accountant who doesn't share your beliefs but finds them amusing in private and yet defends you in public. Forget the sensitive, spiritual types, they'll be the first to decide that it's ok to fuck some girl at a party because it was "meant to be". After all, you won't be the only person he's shared a past life with (damn, I promised I wasn't going to criticise didn't I). Concentrate on the chemistry first and the similarities second. Ok, sometimes the gulf is too wide. But if you have that connection based on "we want to be together" - which means he calls you and you can feel he wants your company not just your body - rather than "we were meant to be together, it's destiny", you'll find those guys won't be scared off when you share your feelings - early or otherwise.
Ltw at May 26, 2010 6:51 AM
Holy hell, I just can't get past the "talks to trees" and "we shared a past life" crap. Sounds completely crazy.
Girl, he's just not into you. Move on.
Ann at May 26, 2010 7:16 AM
Amy, this is why you are the Goddess! I would have told her she's batshit crazy and called it a day.
Marina at May 26, 2010 9:18 AM
A psychic once told me my sister and I shared a past life. Doesn't mean I wouldn't still be happy to see her hit by a pie truck in this one.
LW, it's easy for people to make fun of you for the new age stuff, but that's just a side trip. Your problem isn't that you take astrology seriously, it's that you offer too much too soon. Slow down, make him work for it and be the kind of woman who's worth the work.
MonicaP at May 26, 2010 9:32 AM
Monica: Why a pie truck? (the thought of catching pies sailing out of the truck is making me hungry)
sofar: I think Patton believed he was Hamilcar Barca. (which would make a great dog name if you changed the c in Barca to a k)
Do trees ever say, "Tell your @#*&$% dog to stop lifting his leg on me?"
alittlesense at May 26, 2010 10:12 AM
@ sofar ... it is amazing how many people just don't get it, that if a man is truly into you, he won't leave you alone. Well said!
Bluejean Baby at May 26, 2010 12:56 PM
Do people actually read Amy's column and blog before they write for advice?
I don't know why one has to play a game of letting the man call.
Because most men have a biological imperative to act like men when it comes to courtship rituals. And despite the fact that he is sensitive, spiritual, talks with trees, appreciates astrology, he is very much a man, as evidenced by his telling you that We had a past life together where I was the man and he was the woman, a bullshit line designed expressly to get into your pants. It worked, and now he won't call.
Anyone who reads Amy regularly isn't even a little bit surpirsed.
Beth at May 26, 2010 12:57 PM
Oh yeah, and i meant to add...
"this man i dated for 2 weeks"....
Translation: "this man i fucked for 2 weeks"...
I mean, really, how much can one really get to know about another in a 2 week period?... you don't know him, yet you are willing to share yourself with him. I think you got off easily with the talking to trees and astrology bits... you should thank your lucky stars he's not an axe murderer.
Bluejean Baby at May 26, 2010 1:00 PM
Why a pie truck?
Because if she's hit by a pi truck, it'll never end.
MonicaP at May 26, 2010 1:05 PM
MonicaP, shame on you for your circular logic!
old rpm daddy at May 26, 2010 1:09 PM
If she's hit by a pi truck, will she go EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! forever?
brian at May 26, 2010 4:40 PM
If she's hit by a pi truck, will she go EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! forever?
Exactly. The situation will never be resolved.
MonicaP at May 26, 2010 6:08 PM
"...talks with trees..." lolololololololol!
Afghan Whig at May 27, 2010 9:10 AM
"f she's hit by a pi truck, will she go EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! forever?"
Only until her harmonic convergence.
(OK, the math jokes are getting really thick here...)
Cousin Dave at May 27, 2010 9:35 AM
He agreed with everything I said, so I gave him sex almost immediately and now he's not interested in me.
Gee, never heard that story before.
David M. at May 27, 2010 10:26 AM
Wow - even New Age girls have to follow "The Rules". In the words of "All About Eve" call it a incomplete forward pass" and move on. Don't wait til your next life to learn from your errors in judgement.
zekenzoey at May 27, 2010 6:15 PM
I shared this column on my Facebook, and the first friend who responded pointed out that the "Don't plug the holes in your sense of self with a relationship" also applies to those who decide to have children. Very sensible, I thought. Yes, some people do decide to reproduce merely to fill an empty space in their lives. Or the empty space that is their lives.
Patrick at May 28, 2010 5:51 AM
If the trees are talking BACK to these nutballs, they may well be soulmates. With the trees, anyway.
Steve H at May 29, 2010 10:09 AM
Um... Amy, the advice was great given the context and all, but I honestly think you've been trolled here. I don't think that anyone who's read more than three of your columns would write in with typical problems poorly masked by New Age airy-fairy shit and expect you not to call them on their b.s.
Kim at May 30, 2010 6:51 AM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/ag-column-archives/2010/05/bodhi-call.html#comment-1719736">comment from KimUm... Amy, the advice was great given the context and all, but I honestly think you've been trolled here. I don't think that anyone who's read more than three of your columns would write in with typical problems poorly masked by New Age airy-fairy shit and expect you not to call them on their b.s.
Um...Kim...people who need help write no matter what. Needing help makes people not care about all sorts of things. Best not to make assumptions about me. FYI, I know I haven't been "trolled" because I've met this woman. She came to my reading at the Tucson Book Festival and I told her to write her question down and send it to me and I'd answer it in detail.
Amy Alkon at May 30, 2010 8:35 AM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/ag-column-archives/2010/05/bodhi-call.html#comment-1719738">comment from Amy AlkonP.S. You can't make stuff like this up. It's too unbelievable.
Amy Alkon at May 30, 2010 8:37 AM
Good advice. It reminds me of something Margaret Atwood once wrote. "Sex is not dentistry, the slick filling of aches and cavities."
Conan the Grammarian at May 30, 2010 11:45 AM
I'd hire Amy too in a heartbeat..she can keep the clown shoes on just lose the bra and panties.....
ha ha..
dragonslayer666 at June 3, 2010 11:29 PM
Leave a comment