If she keeps commenting about how thin he is and he wants more interest from her, he could try hitting some weights. It really doesn't take that much time to pack on a noticeable amount of muscle.

If he's just slight, then even if he packs on some muscle, he'll still be thin (just thin with some definition). I'd say that if it's this much of a problem for her so early in the relationship, then it's not going to get any better. Was she attracted to him at all when she started going out with him? Because it doesn't sound like he pulled a bait-and-switch and yanked off his Schwarzenegger costume as soon as he paid the check on their first date.

There is something you can do to spice up your love life: find another girlfriend.

"Do I look fat in this relationship?" Brilliant - an absolute masterstroke. LOL.

Yeah, I once dated a man I outweighed, and it bothered me a little, but he was so physically strong (the super wiry muscular athlete type) that I got over it. I might have had 10 pounds on him, but he could hold me down and . . . well . . . um . . . read me poetry all night.

"There are women out there who'll be really attracted to you and won't be able to keep their hands off you -- at the very least, for the first few months."

I wonder if you'd have given the same advice to an overweight woman whose boyfriend wanted her to lose 50 pounds. My guess is no. Yes, out of the 6 billion people out there it's likely that SOMEONE finds you irresistible just the way you are. But the reality is that people who are less conventionally attractive are going to have a much harder time finding that person, let alone be attracted to them too. Pretending otherwise doesn't do anyone any favors.

Because it doesn't sound like he pulled a bait-and-switch and yanked off his Schwarzenegger costume as soon as he paid the check on their first date.

As always #6 I agree with you. She could see what he was like upfront and if he really is the skinny type even working out won't change that - I'm not tiny and have a bit of a pot belly but have never been able to put on the sort of bulk muscle others can, gym or not - I have no idea how fat I would have to get to make my forearms not look like twigs even if I can still do fingertip chin-ups on doorframes, strong fingers courtesy of years of indoor climbing. It sounds awfully like she just wanted to like him for a while and has changed her mind.

Yeah, I once dated a man I outweighed, and it bothered me a little, but he was so physically strong (the super wiry muscular athlete type) that I got over it. I might have had 10 pounds on him, but he could hold me down and . . . well . . . um . . . read me poetry all night.

I dream of being held down by someone lighter than me and being read poetry Anathema. This is not a joke, I really do :) She's even a good poet as well as being astoundingly pretty.

Shannon, Amy is forever telling women to lose weight for their guys. Especially women who were thin when they met her guy and packed on weight over the course of the relationship... there's a quote of hers from way back that goes like this "Yes, there are men out there that love the larger ladies, but most of them don't marry thin ones" or something like that.

Guys can get away with thin more easily if they are tall. I agree that if he adds a bit of muscle, even if he's still thin he'll be more strong and manly.

NicoleK- that's what I meant. I don't think I've ever seen Amy advise an overweight woman that "there are [men] out there who'll be really attracted to you and won't be able to keep their hands off you" - seems like a bit of a double standard.

Shannon, I actually have seen Amy tell an overweight woman that there are men who are attracted to overweight women. The difference is that those men are fewer than the women who could overlook a perceived physical drawback and still be attracted to that man. As Amy has said time and time again, men are visual creatures. Physical appearance is more on the forefront of attraction for men.

Also, to quote our hostess, "Don't be 5'7" is not an attainable request. Like I said above, he may be able to put on some muscle, but if he's just built that way, he'll still be very thin. Plus, he doesn't want to bulk up. I'd say the same thing to a woman who didn't want to lose weight: find yourself someone who doesn't want you to. Going into a relationship wanting to either actively ignore something or actively change something about the other person is not the yellow brick road to a happy, sustainable partnership.

Ltw: should we look into venues to house our Mutual Admiration Society? Because I agree with you that it seems likely that she liked him and wanted to be attracted to him and now feels guilty that she's not. She probably also thinks that that alone is not enough reason to break up with a good guy.

If you want the physical to go with the emotional, start drinking protein shakes and lifting weights. It's simple. You don't have to be He-Man, just make her feel like she's not going to break you!

The huge clue is in LW's statement, "I need the physical to go with the emotional".

When you find yourself complaining to a columnist about not being sure of the chemistry situation after such a short time in the relationship, it has nothing to do with body size, weight, or what you ate for dinner that may be giving you bad breath the next morning. It's chemistry!! Not a match... move on.

And I believe this woman was one of the many people who thinks they can become attracted to somebody, which really doesn't happen.

I learned this one the hard way. We dated for 5 months, and he was ideal in all ways but the physical. He was 5'2" tall and very round. His growth had been stunted by cancer treatments as a child, and I felt like a douche canoe for not being able to look past it.

I had to break up with him when I learned that he was talking with his friends about marriage and children.

I had to break up with him when I learned that he was talking with his friends about marriage and children.

Ouch. That musta hurt.

There's a thin line between love and like. Treading it warily is something that some people need to knowingly practice, as opposed to just winging it. And then there are those who just won't take "let's be friends" for an answer. In the LW's case, maybe she really wanted to be more, but chemistry, like Bluejean Baby said... it's the chemistry. Ya just gotta have it!

Dating a really skinny guy can make even thin women feel huge ("Do I look fat in this relationship?").

I am howling at my office desk, and my colleagues all think I'm nuts.

Great line, Amy!

I think if they guy starts drinking protein shakes and working out and trying to put on the pounds, this woman will know he's doing it for her. For some women, this would warm their hearts. Others would run away like their hair's on fire.

Ltw: should we look into venues to house our Mutual Admiration Society?

Hehe - we should organise all the regular commenters and crash Amy's place one day to show our appreciation. I'm sure she'd love that :)

I'd run if I saw me coming.

Amy is right. All that boy needs is some KFC and for one of his buddies to go to the gym with him. Then if she dumps you for being too skinny, you can make her eat her heart out when you bulk up and find a new lady!Rawr!

I'm feeling optimistic today, so will give this skinny guy some happy news:

Most people get married. So you probably will, too. So, cheer up! There's someone out there for you. There's someone for (almost) everyone.

Good guess Shannon, because the overweight woman whose boyfriend wants her to lose weight, has a different problem than this guy. The same advice would be counterproductive. Different problems require different solutions.

With the rest of your statement, I agree.
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Its true there are men who love big women. I know more men who will sleep with big women for the sole reason that those women do not say no. You can get upset if you want, but there it is. Bottom line is that if a woman wants a man, she'll have more luck if she loses weight. It is a double standard, that is true, but we have two sexes, therefore we have two standards, one for each of our evolutionary biological preferences. Life is not fair, and fighting that is a losing battle, we need to adapt to our circumstances, take the world as we find it, and make the very best of it we can.

For me, that means going to the gym to keep myself in shape and living an active life so that I maintain a form that is appealing to the opposite sex. For the ladies, that means a treadmill and laying off the cheeseburgers. Some things in life we can change, and those would be the things about ourselves, forget trying to change the rest.

Side note, out of curiosity, what would be good advice to give to an overweight woman whose husband is no longer attracted to her? Anything but, "lose the weight, and this is why", is probably feel good advice that might make a woman feel somehow morally superior, but is ultimately self defeating since it won't solve the actual problem.

hmmm, maybe it's not his whole body that is too thin... just the important part. I'm a chubby who is happily dating a man whose is thin. Our love live is great and active. Do I look fat in this relationship? Yep, I do. Do I care? Not even a little.

This is why I appreciate Amy's advice and think more people need to hear it. I think the conventional "wisdom" is that, if someone's a good person, you should learn to be attracted to them. But chemistry is so important! The LW deserves to find someone who IS attracted to him -- and I know quite a few gals who want a guy who can rock a pair of skinny jeans.

I also wonder how prevalent men who really like big women are. You hear about the odd guy with a fat fetish, usually on some tabloid TV show, but, how common is it really?

And, of the men who seem prefer heavier women, is it really that they find the fat sexually exciting or actually that they feel more secure that she has fewer options?

I had a cousin like that. It wasn't that he liked his wife being fat, but he didn't want the competition.

MonicaP, please tell me you heard later through mutual friends that the short, round cancer survivor found a short, round, sweet girl, got married and lived happily ever after! :(

lovelysoul wrote: "And, of the men who seem prefer heavier women, is it really that they find the fat sexually exciting or actually that they feel more secure that she has fewer options?"

I think there's something to that. I grew up in a Navy town where guys would go to sea for 3-6 months at a time. A lot of the guys (often young, good looking, reasonably fit) would date or marry women I thought were very unattractive. I always supected it was so the women would have little opportunity to hook up with a local while the sailor was at sea.

Heh heh, maybe I should have taken their advice, since my cute (now ex) wife cheated on me with a local while I was in Afghanistan!

Maybe Slim Jim has a hyperactive thyroid. If he does, he will need to get it fixed before he can beef up. Then the trips to the gym and KFC will work their magic. He should also concentrate on his education and career. A slender, well toned body and a fat wallet will get you far young man.

Lovelysoul: well I seem to be meeting a fair amount of them now that I've opened my eyes to them! I think my problem has been far more that I had a crappy body image and couldn't imagine anybody being attracted to me, than that nobody was attracted to me. Because clearly there are guys who don't just think it's okay, but who actively prefer the fact that I'm a fuckin' amazon. (Which has nothing to do with fat fetishism, by the way - that's something else again and people I stay well away from.)

Of course the irony is that the hot guys who think I'm hot only started appearing after I figured out for myself that actually, I'm attractive and sexy.

I feel a little sad for the LW, but I think this relationship might have started as 'I really like you and you really like me and OK then we'll date' without the critical component of 'And I think you're smoking hot'. In which case he should just cut both their losses.
I had something similar not long ago - I'd been talking to this guy online and we really got on, liked the look of eachother, all seemed really good - then I met him and he was tiny. As in, a little shorter than I am (which is not uncommon - as I said, amazon) but also considerably lighter. Hot body, but his frame just generally built on a smaller scale than average. And yeah, that kind of killed the attraction for me. I have no problem with a bit of difference, but this was kind of extreme. A guy has to be able to at least match me when we wrestle, and ideally be able to work me against the mat... I don't want to feel like I'm going to break him.

I completely understand that, Anne. My fiance is what would probably be called "husky". His legs are literally like tree trunks. Solid. I like feeling the difference in our physicalities, yet some other women might find him too big or bulky. Look at all the women who drool over guys like Chase Crawford, who, to me, seems too slight and androgynous.

When you're young, you just don't get that it's ok to like what you like...and that there are people out there who like exactly what you are. We spend too much time trying to fit a round peg into a square hole.

For this girl to be telling the LW that his physical stature doesn't appeal to her this early in the relationship is a sure sign that they're just not a good fit. More than likely, there's more to the lack of chemistry than just his thinness. That's just something she hopes might fix it, but he could gain weight and that probably still wouldn't create the chemistry that's lacking. He's better off finding someone else who thinks he's hot the way he is.

Oh, belatedly:

is it really that they find the fat sexually exciting

The guys who are into me talk about 'exaggerated hour glass' and 'super feminine'. They aren't specifically attracted to 'the fat' just like (I assume) you aren't specifically attracted to the muscle/fat of your fiance's legs, or other people aren't into 'the thinness' - they like the whole shape of me, they like how I look and feel.

To say they are attracted to 'the fat' is incredibly dehumanising.

I'm not an Amazon (more like the Mae West version of an Oompa Loompa)and Anne is right--men use phrases like 'curvy', 'stacked', and 'brick shithouse' whereas women will say things like 'at least you have a shape to your fat.' I know it's their own crappy body image talking, but must they make sure I know I'm overweight? And every single time it's been from someone 100-200 lbs heavier than me. So calling them on their rudeness will get *me* labeled mean. Sigh.

I'm overweight and have no problem finding guys attracted to me. I think I carry the weight pretty well and as cliche as it sounds, I have a very pretty face. I am trying to lose the weight I've gained, but I won't ever weight 120.

I hung out with a skinny guy a few times and ended up sleeping with him. He was 5'7, 130lbs. I was 5'6, 190lbs. He loved my body but when I was on top, his hipbones dug into me so much, sex was painful! His dick was also as skinny as him, which doesn't do it for me. I didn't see him again after that because there was no way the sex would be satisfying even though he was a nice guy.

I have always weighed more than my boyfriends and it has never been an issue. I date normal sized guys or muscled up guys. Right now, my man is 5'10, 200lbs of pure muscle. I love his body and he loves mine. Although, ithink he is enjoying my shrinking frame. Maybe not the loss of my tits but I can't blame him for being more attracted to me the smaller I get. I was 288, now I'm at 250.

I think there's a difference between being heavier or "big boned", yet still shapely, and obese. My question was not meant to dehumanize anyone, but I wondered if the men here could honestly weigh in, without the eupehmisms, and tell us if any of them actually find fat itself sexy.

Different cultures surely have different views. Living in FL, for instance, I've noticed that hispanics seem to prefer meatier women, but these are women who are still shaped well - big butts, big breasts, and relatively smaller waists.

I don't know if anyone finds obesity attractive, especially once it begins to obscure the feminine form.

My guy is big but not fat. He's all muscle. I find his bigness sexy, but I'd have a problem with fat, mostly because it screams "unhealthy". If you love someone, you need to let them know when they've crossed that line. I could never just eupemistically excuse it if I felt his health was at risk, and I hope he wouldn't with me either.

I think there's a difference between being heavier or "big boned", yet still shapely, and obese.

I'm a little amused by the way that these lines get redrawn. Everybody has so much FAT IS BAD OBESITY EPIDEMIC AWOOGA! pumped into their heads that when somebody doesn't fit into their stereotype, that person can't be fat!

For the record - I'm fat. Obese by any medical standard. I don't fit into the standard (EU) clothes size ranges. But because all those stupid ideas of Fat=Lazy! Fat=Smelly! Fat=Slobby! don't apply to me, people decide I can't possibly be fat! It's apparently so important to demonise fat people that anybody who doesn't fit that image automatically gets excluded from the group. It's been said more than once that because I have 'shape' (waist-hip ration of 0.73) that means I'm not fat - which is clearly ridiculous, because I am. But if I get included into that group, that means that the OBESITY AWOOGA! idea gets challenged, that means that 'fat people' are not a group to comfortably demonise.

I wondered if the men here could honestly weigh in, without the eupehmisms, and tell us if any of them actually find fat itself sexy.

Sure, but can we then also talk about if people find 'the thinness' itself (so without taking into account figure/shape) sexy?

You might not mean to, but by taking one single attribute and isolating it like this, you ARE dehumanising - and fetishizing.

Men who find JUST 'the fat' in itself sexy are fat fetishists. There aren't many of those, and there's not generally a healthy dynamic going on there - as with ANY partner who is attracted to you JUST because you have blonde hair, or JUST because you're thin, or JUST because you're wealthy.

("So ladies, tell us if any of you actually find wealth itself sexy.")

Men who are into larger women (without it being a fetish) are attracted to the shape it creates, the feeling of it when they touch her, etc. And anecdata suggests those men are not rare - the fat chicks I know who are comfortable with themselves all get plenty of attention.

Exactly Anne!! I get the same comments, "you aren't fat" etc. We are doing a weight loss thing at work and since it coincided with me already doing it for myself, I joined. No one believed my weight, even though it is clear as day on the scale. I guess I carry it well or something ridiculous like that, but carrying an extra 100+ pounds isn't exactly something enjoyable. I miss my flat stomach!

Men find confidence sexy. A woman comfortable with her body can be uninhibited in bed. Women who have extra weight can also have large, gorgeous tits and Men love to grab them in bed.

Men who don't like bigger women, fine. But the ones who go on and on about it, I've found those guys actually are interested in me, maybe not the fat, but still want me. But because I'm not the standard body type of beauty, they make cutting remarks. Example: one ex of mine had a fried who would tell him how gross I had become since high school (we all went to high school together, I was popular, athletic, and pretty fucking hot by the normal standard of beauty) and he couldn't believe his friend was dating me. After we broke up(3 years) this friend has the nerve to start hitting on me, saying how he has always had a thing for me and said those things so my ex wouldn't know. Those comments hurt and my ex, being the stupid asshole he was, would tell me what he said. I'm glad to be rid of both of them!

What I've never understood is why women, regardless of their size, feel unsexy. If the man you are with wants to fuck you, he already knows what you look like. No man would think he was about to fuck Marissa Miller by seeing me at a bar, so why be embarassed when the clothes come off? I accept what I look like and have no naked hangups, but I'm still losing weight because I'm sick of not being able to play singles tennis, not being able to sit in a gorgeous chair I just bought (weight limit 200) and damnit, I want to buy high end designer clothes, not just accessories! :)

Sorry for Any typos, I'm on my phone.

"You might not mean to, but by taking one single attribute and isolating it like this, you ARE dehumanising - and fetishizing."

No, I'm just asking for an honest dialogue. So far, only women have weighed in, so to speak, but I was looking for male opinions.

I don't wonder whether thinness, itself, is attractive. I know the answer to that: yes, it is. For many men - perhaps the majority of men -thinness is highly valued. That's not a fetish; it's the norm.

I was wondering if any men here (of which we have many) would honestly say they desire a fatter woman. Not that they don't love a woman who may be fat, but do they really find a fatter woman sexy? Deep down, would they really not prefer her to be thinner?

Lovelysoul- while thinness might seem to be "highly valued" by most men in your eyes, you ignore the fact that significant numbers of men and women are overweight and obese. According to the CDC in 2009, most states average around 20-28% obese. These people find partners and I assure you, it isn't just the fat with the fat. While thinness is a positive attribute, there are other attributes that are viewed as desireabld that people manage to overcome and pair up. I agree with Anne, that by focusing on one feature, you are fetishizing fat people. I wish a few men would weigh in!!

Lovelysoul,
When you say "I don't wonder whether thinness, itself, is attractive. I know the answer to that: yes, it is. For many men - perhaps the majority of men -thinness is highly valued." I just want to be clear, do you really mean thin or do you mean slim but with shape?

I am a heterosexual woman but I do not find thin women attractive, I think slim women with a nice shape are attractive. I also think heavy women with a nice shape are attractive. I think it is the shape that is attractive and not necessarily the size (up to a point). Thin is not at all the same as slim. To be called thin is an insult and to be called slim is a compliment.

When I look at magazines (only in a waiting room) or see fashion shows on TV, I think the models are disgusting (not all models). I find it hard to believe that anyone would want to have sex with someone who looks like they just stepped out of a concentration camp (sorry for that reference but that is what they look like). Do men really find that attractive? Do men really find women who look physically ill sexy?

Please don't turn my comments around to mean that I am jealous of grossly skinny models as I have always been sexy and slim (except when I was pregnant, then I was fat and sexy - or possibly just fat and horny, certainly the end result was the same).

"Do men really find that attractive? Do men really find women who look physically ill sexy?"

Some do. Preferences vary. I know men who will only date model-thin women. Yet, there are others who like a meatier version, but still with a shape.

Unlike you, I don't really differentiate that much between the words thin and slim - to me they're virtually the same - and, at any rate, this is kind of getting off track.

Whether individual preferences range from thin to slim to big-boned or hefty, I think, overall, there is a point beyond which a person is no longer considered physically desirable to the vast majority of the opposite sex. They may have other wonderful and noble qualities, and they may indeed find a partner willing to overlook their weight, but that doesn't mean that the weight, itself, is attractive or sexy.

That isn't "fetishizing fat people". To fetishize someone or a group you'd have to be attracted to them, which is the opposite of my point.

I simply believe that if the partners of these obese people were honest, they'd likely admit that they do not find the fat itself sexy, and probably wish he/she was thinner. Doesn't mean they don't love their partners, but it's an act of denial for the obese partner to believe that their weight actually makes them more desirable.

A guy may tell his obese partner that he loves her big tits, because that would certainly be a bright spot of the situation, and he wants to make her feel good, but that doesn't mean he doesn't wish, deep down, she'd lose the weight. I think very few people actually view being overweight as sexy.

Women who are too thin (Keira Knightly for example) are just sickening and gross. No Lovelysoul, most men do not want stick-thin women. That stereotype has been perpetuated by feminists who want to make excuses for being overweight. By saying that men demand thin women, feminists can claim victimhood and can say that men drive the push for unattainable bodies on women, which in turn drives the fallacy that men are somehow responsible for neuroses about their bodies. That, in turn, is what makes women too self-conscious and makes them overeat and get fat. Victimology 101. This is what me and my guy friends think.

That being said, none of the men i know would ever date an overweight woman. All of this "be proud of your body and i love my body crap is just that: crap. The media gets into this one too, by saying that women should love their bodies no matter what shape. Well, i agree, but that does not mean that it will help them get men. Men, in general, at least the men I know, don't like fat women.

In the middle somewhere is where most men like women. We actually like curves, nice curvy bodies, but curves are a far cry from fat. Alot of women will say they have curves, and i guess there are some there, but its hard to tell with all the fat.

So, to answer your question, no, men do not like a woman too skinny. Nor do they like them overweight. Average size is perfect. And this is what me and my guy friends think.

Thank you, Mike, for giving a male opinion. I happen to think Keira Knightly is beautiful, but then, I'm a girl.

Your view is probably the standard male view. Shapely, but not fat. The problem is, it seems that many fat women don't see themselves as fat. They think they're "curvy" (and "curvy" is the euphemism for fat on dating web sites).

So, where is the line that takes it beyond shapely to fat? There isn't a hard definition, like, say, 50 pds overweight, because some women can carry 50 extra pounds better than others. But I think most men know the difference between shapely and fat. Just as most women know the difference between husky and fat.

There IS a difference, and one is decidely preferred over the other.

I was wondering if any men here (of which we have many) would honestly say they desire a fatter woman. Not that they don't love a woman who may be fat, but do they really find a fatter woman sexy? Deep down, would they really not prefer her to be thinner?

Well put, lovelysoul. I lived with a partner for 8 years who at one point gained some weight (not heaps, just getting into "where did the curves go" area). It started to get into the territory where I was just starting to wonder if any more would put me off. She starting losing it again, nothing to do with me btw, and kept the full hips but now with a very slim waist. And although I mourned the loss of her DD boobs, I have to admit the new ones matched her figure really well. Perfect hourglass figure. I wouldn't have wanted her any thinner at that point - but I definitely responded to the change. Couldn't walk into the room for a while without a *very* obvious response in the pants department :)

A lot of men love fatter women, of course - god knows I still loved my ex-gf when she was heavier - but yes the men who actually prefer it that way are few and far between.

Women (both fat and skinny) should tone up and increase their muscle mass. The curves you get from weight training is super hot! The thing which grosses me out the most about the supermodels are their shoulders and arms, which look like bone encased in skin.

And if you're in a relationship with someone, you have to be honest with them about their appearance and how it affects you. If they're getting fat, and this turns you off, you have to tell them. My guy started getting a belly and I told him (in a nice way) that I didn't like it. He knows my fav part is his flat stomach, and he wants me to be attracted to him, so he's toning up and eating less. I also reminded him that I keep myself in top condition for him (5'10" 137, yoga, pilates & weight training), so I expect him to do the same, out of respect for me.

I am not convinced that "feminists" are claiming that it's men who want stick-thin women. After all, fashion magazines show bony women, and they aren't directed at men. Conversely, men's magazines very commonly highlight women with enormous breasts and rounded hips.

I don't care for obese women. I am not crazy about overweight women, though I have sometimes overlooked "a few extra pounds" if I otherwise liked a woman. My thought my exwife was hot and she could probably have stood to lose fifteen pounds. My current squeeze is probably in the same neighborhood, though she is losing a pound or two a week. But anything much above that and I am turned off by the appearance, the fact that she can't go on a simple hike without getting winded, and the general refusal to observe typical standards of attractiveness ("accept me as I am!").

I know some women who are quite thin but still, in my eyes at least, VERY attractive. I'd much rather be with a skinny woman than an obese one, and won't reject a thin woman out-of-hand like I will an obese one. This may be partially because I don't care for large breasts, and partially because I'm not a big man myself.

My good friend Ray's wife, on the other hand, is heavy enough that I'd rule her out immediately. Yet Ray thinks she's really hot, which is obviously good, and he will honestly say that a lot of it is because her weight gives her breasts that are bigger than his skull.

And, incidentally, I think Keira Knightley is bloody gorgeous.

Drink a gallon of milk a day and do heavy strength training with barbells (core lifts like squats, deadlift, bench press, power cleans and the press). In six weeks, your girlfriend will no longer complain about having a rail thin boyfriend but will be proud to have Daniel Craig hanging out with her.