Amy, would you have given the same advice to someone YOUNGER who gave you the EXACT SAME SCENARIO?
Seriously, how many other people have packed up their marriage/kids because they "suddenly realized" they're gay?! It makes me wonder if a lot of people aren't DECIDING to start relationships with the same sex for reasons other than really being gay, but since being gay is so acceptable today they feel free to declare their "new found" gayness to the world no matter what the damaging outcome is.
Just like being a "Christian" seemed to become a big fad with a lot of people who just couldn't wait to announce how they'd been "SAVED" and how they were now "Holy than Thou". I agree that she probably is just sick of her lousy marriage, but I'm just wondering how you were able to determine she wasn't really gay. I just saw an interview with Merideth Baxter on Oprah and she talked about her awful marriage with her abusive husband and how NOW she's in a gay relationship. Again, I wonder if she's really gay, or simply looking for someone like....herself!

I'm no psychologist but I'm wondering if the LW doesn't so much want this woman as want to be this woman.

Female sexuality is more fluid. Studies have shown that males tend to be clearly on one end of the spectrum or another, but women fall across the range.

So, I can see why having a troubled relationship with a man could drive a woman towards another woman. Is she "really" gay? Who knows? But Amy was right to ask her to evaluate her feelings this way. For one thing, the object of her desire isn't even gay, so maybe this crush is just a safe way for her to turn outward, away from her unhappy marriage. It seems her feelings about her marriage need to be resolved first.

It seems her feelings about her marriage need to be resolved first.

LS for the win! I'm in the throes of menopause myself, and have absolutely no desire to bed another woman. My relationship with BF, however, is NOTHING like that of LW and her husband. But even so, if BF and I were to break up for some reason, my response wouldn't be to seek out an unavailable woman! I'd want to spend some time alone first, figure things out that went wrong in the relationship, maybe get a dog, first, before I try to ruin someone else's life!
LW needs to dial it back and engage her brain before acting on impulse. I hope she gets that.

This is really good advice. I think this is one of your best columns ever. What I like about it is you gave her something to do, an actual task she can focus on, in this case reciting the 50 states. I think that is brilliant. Too many advice columnists just recite vague platitudes about feelings and other crap, but you actually gave a good tip.

Oh... and can I thank you for never using your column for public service announcements? I fucking hate it when Abby or Amy Dickenson post PSAs instead of letters, things like "Remember readers, this holiday season, don't let your tree catch fire" and crap like that. I read columns for voyeuristic thrills, not safety tips.

Jan: I agree that she probably is just sick of her lousy marriage, but I'm just wondering how you were able to determine she wasn't really gay.

Amy's response suggests that she's open to the possibility that she is gay. Perhaps you missed it where she said, "Now, maybe you are a lesbian late bloomer..." or "Or, you may need him to be a chick."

Personally, I think what she sees in this woman is what she wants to be herself. She sees in this woman qualities that she believes she's lacking.

The "brain retraining" reminds me of one of Amy's columns from prehistoric times, called "The Mother-in-law Of All Bombs," in which a man was actively fantasizing about his mother-in-law, and was wondering if he should "confront her."

Amy, after explaining that that would be a really, really stupid thing to do, advised him to do what it takes to push his hot mother-in-law out of his mind.

Not only is women's sexuality more fluid, I'm also convinced it's hormonal.

I'm bi, and before ovulation I fantasize about/dream about men. After ovulation it's women.

When I stop being fertile I would not be surprised if I don't care for men anymore. Not that I really would want an actual relationship with a woman--they've all been too clingy so far. (What does a lesbian bring on a second date? A U-Haul!!!)

I'm bi, and before ovulation I fantasize about/dream about men. After ovulation it's women.

That makes sense given that during ovulation, heterosexual women are more drawn to "alpha" males, or more manly men, than they are the rest of the cycle.

What does a lesbian bring on a second date? A U-Haul!!!

I posted before I finished reading - that is hilarious. I often wonder why men would bother with us, much less other women, sheesh.

I often wonder why men would bother with us, much less other women, sheesh.

When I asked my husband why men deal with insane women, he said it's because sex with insane women is still better than sex with sane men.

I really love his honesty.

At least this LW sounds reasonably intelligent and able to see the yawning chasm in front of her car. There's nothing wrong with experimentation as an adult, but that means 1) you have to do the adult thing and be free, and 2) you pick someone who doesn't the emotional equivalent of Grand Central Station.

At 56, I'm assuming she doesn't have any kids at home. Why not tell her husband about these feelings and see if he'd be willing to a little (mutual) exploration of other relationships? Or is what's good for the goose really only good for the goose?

"For one thing, the object of her desire isn't even gay, so maybe this crush is just a safe way for her to turn outward, away from her unhappy marriage. "

Good point, I had not thought of it that way... perhaps this started as a way to temporarily package and put away her frustrations over her marriage, by loading them onto a fantasy that she knows, in the back of her mind, is unfulfillable. An imaginary friend, if you will. Only, the back of her mind seems to have forgotten the bit it was supposed to remember.

One significant thing that comes across to me is that she has lost all respect for her husband. That's almost inevitable when you have an alcoholic spouse and you have to go for years and years being the adult in the relationship. I'm certainly not going to sit here and judge her. However, I do think that at some point she's going to have to work on trying to get that respect for him back. Presumably at some time in the past he was a man that she admired; perhaps she can work on trying to see him in this light again. Otherwise... any marriage in which one spouse has no respect for the other is doomed. If she can't get it back, then as soon as he's able to stand on his own two feet, she needs to let him go and then take no further responsibility for him. That's true regardless of whether her next relationship is with a man or a woman.

Maybe LW was a latent bisexual all this time, and the lesbian feelings are now coming to the surface, perhaps due to the lousy marriage.

When I stop being fertile I would not be surprised if I don't care for men anymore.

This is why I've always advised my guy friends not to get serious about women who describe themselves as bisexual - nothing personal MissFance. It's not because I disapprove of bisexuality or lesbianism, it's because almost every woman I've known who was bisexual when they were younger either became a lesbian once they got older or lost interest in sex entirely.

I'm suspicious of lesbianism generally. Women's sexuality is largely the result of social conditioning. It's not innate.

"Oh, hi, honey. Glad to see you've leaned back a smidge from the yawning abyss of infinite darkness, depression, death and self-hatred by cooling out on the alcohol thingy. Not to give you a nudge back towards the pit but hey, I want to jump in the sack with someone else since it was your fault I've lost all my sexual desire, you loser. You're okay with this, right?".

I wonder if he drank before they married.

I also wonder why these guys didn't get electrocuted:

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_J6_oOFnYaJg/SXOrrk15w5I/AAAAAAAABSc/O_NT6Ojq7b0/s1600-h/das%2Bletzte%2Bbes%C3%A4ufnis.jpg

"Amy, would you have given the same advice to someone YOUNGER who gave you the EXACT SAME SCENARIO?"

You mean, would she have given the same advice to someone in a TOTALLY DIFFERENT SCENARIO? This woman isn't in the 'exact same scenario' as a hypothetical younger person, she's 56 and married.

"I have such powerful and authentic sexual feelings that I feel compelled to reveal myself to her"

Lay it on thick much? This is how people use language to rationalize and deceive themselves. Using adjectives like 'powerful' and 'authentic' doesn't actually propel those feelings to a level more sublime and spiritual, or less shallow than plain old lust.

More likely, you want to 'reveal yourself', and are looking for an excuse to do so in a way that absolves yourself of the responsibility of the inevitably bad consequences .. see, it wasn't your choice, the feelings were so 'strong' you were 'compelled'. Riiight, if that makes you feel better. But what do you think 'revealing yourself' would actually achieve?

I could say I have 'powerful and authentic' cravings for cheeseburgers, but it doesn't make it a spiritual experience. To make the ridiculousness seem a bit more obvious, imagine it was a man using these same words to rationalize an inappropriate crush - say, on his teenage daughter's best friend, or something, like in American Beauty. "But, but ... my sexual feelings are POWERFUL and AUTHENTIC ... I am compelled to reveal myself" ... riiight, OK.

on his teenage daughter's best friend

funny you mention that, because I do have POWERFUL and AUTHENTIC FEEELINGS for lots of young women. But it's precisely because they're so powerful that I recognize them to be my own authentic horniness and not evidence that we are destined to be together, and that I should reveal my feelings to these girls.

Baby Boomers crack me up. It's like they'd never grown up emotionally. There's always this preening grandiosity to the way that they describe their inner lives. And what exactly is the distinction between an authentic feeling and an inauthentic one. How can you have inauthentic feelings?

I'd also like to declare that I find lesbians extremely boring. They are the most boring of all the sexual orientations.

The fact that she is obsessing and that this is rather sudden makes me think that she may need a physical and mental check up. Any time a significant change occurs in what you were before or how you acted before should be discussed with professionals. While having such thoughts in themselves don't seem to be a warning sign, obsessing about them does, aside from the fact she should resolve her marital issues before moving on to other pastures.

I like Beth's idea. Proposition the women with a three-way deal. You, her and your husband. Sandwich job for hubbie--maybe that will get his pecker up.

BTW, viagara is great, really works. Give the guy a cup of coffee and some viagara, and he should be able to respond.

Viagara does not work is the man is totally unaroused, but it does keep the pecker hard for an hour if the male is stimulated at all. Sometimes the big rod won't even go down after ejaculation.

My final advice is actually sincere, and contrary to Amy Alkon's advice. Every spouse is entitled to sex. If your hubbie doesn't put out, he should know the rules. You cannot be blamed for wandering. You may not be able to divorce at this time. If you want to score with a woman, go ahead. But why not pick some handsome guy?

I'm glad Amy answered this one. I woulda said something terribly helpful to LW along the lines of "You have got to be freaking kidding me..."

Summation- LW is having a menopausal hormone rollercoaster ride and she is idolizing/lusting after (eww) this other woman in some strange combination of admiration and desire for the unobtainable.

It is 'safe' , after all, to desire something one may never actually gain. Not smart, though. Not fair to her husband, either.

MissFancy:(What does a lesbian bring on a second date? A U-Haul!!!)

What does a gay guy bring on a second date?

What second date?

Gog Magog Carpet: I also wonder why these guys didn't get electrocuted:

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_J6_oOFnYaJg/SXOrrk15w5I/AAAAAAAABSc/O_NT6Ojq7b0/s1600-h/das%2Bletzte%2Bbes%C3%A4ufnis.jpg

Oh, my God! That has got to be a photoshop!

Lobster: But what do you think 'revealing yourself' would actually achieve?

Getting arrested for indecent exposure?

I just noticed the url of that picture. It's called "Das letzte Besäufnis," which is German for "the last booze-up." Apparently, they did get electrocuted.

@Mel

No offense taken. I somewhat agree, but for different reasons.

First of all, many women who describe themeselves as bi are actually just in an adolescent rebellious stage--think "Girls Gone Wild." Those girls are as straight and vanilla as they come (har) and don't actually like sex in many cases. It's all for show. So that so called "bi" girl who is fascinating now will probably turn out to be crazy and difficult.

Second, according to a dear friend who has bounced in strip clubs for 20+ years, true bi women tend to not be Suzy Homemaker types. We are usually more intelligent, quieter, and when we do speak we are direct and fact based--we communicate a little more like men. You would think men would like this. Well, they do and they don't. At first we are complimented on our lack of drama. But then they seem to be uncomfortable with the fact that we refuse to make the man in our life the center of our universe. See, we like men, we just don't *worship* men. And then we get the whole "Waaah, you'd rather be with a woman." No, but you just made yourself really unattractive. Bye.

So my advice to men is, if you need to be worshipped, "sweated" over, need to have the girl buzzing about you like a mosquito so you can be the one to swat her away, then no, bi girls are not the way to go.

Uh, I hate cliny women. Talkers to, I was on a curise a few yrs back with my dad and sister and their famillies.

At the table next to ours in the dinning room was a couple of ladies. Over the course of that week durring dinner I learned just about everyithing about them. They were (more than) best freinds in high school, went to college together, ect. By the time they made it to this cruise they'd seen each other damn near every day of their lives, and had been living together for more than 25-30 yrs.

How in the hell can people who spend every waking moment in each others company blather on so inanley about the boring minutia that the other party had already witnessed first hand?

"I'm suspicious of lesbianism generally. Women's sexuality is largely the result of social conditioning. It's not innate."

Well, like Ben David, you need to set your favorite search engine to look for the term "androgen insensitivity". You'll find out that gender's not binary.

No - it's not. Go look.

-----

And guys, don't flip out over the power cord picture. Electricity always follows the law, and if there is no stray current which reaches the people nearby, no one will be hurt.

Amy, this is the last column that you'd be running on your blog before daylight savings time. WHY HAVEN'T YOU RUN THE PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENTS REMINDING PEOPLE TO RESET THEIR CLOCKS AN HOUR AHEAD AND TO CHANGE THE BATTERIES ON THEIR SMOKE DETECTORS, LIKE THAT NICE DEAR ABBY LADY!

And correct me if I'm wrong, but I think you missed National Fire Safety Week this year...AGAIN!!!

Ugh! Amy, how COULD you? What if people who read your column get burned up in fires, because you didn't announce National Fire Safety Week? Boy, won't you feel guilty!

Shame! Shame! Shame!

Good thing I'm around to remind you of these important things.

I actually agree with BOTU on this one. Go figure. Any spouse not engaging in a meaningful sexual relationship with their S.O. should take a hint from this one.

Right on, MissFancy.

Thanks, Amy, that's really helpful for me just now, great column.
One thing, though...it's men that get love and sex tangled up! In my experience, women have a much easier time Doing It and disassociating emotions. I've noticed this since my teens, about thirty five years ago.
Do you really believe that myth about women needing to love someone in order to have sex?? It really is quite the opposite.
A.

LW, checking in...thanks for the comments, but most of you are pretty far off, which is understandable...first of all, I do not disrespect my husband. We have been together for 30 yrs and lived through more crap than you can shake a stick at...he is always there for me, and I for him...if he knew about this, he would be the first one to say "do what makes you happy, girl"...second, we do not know that the object of my desire isn't a lesbian. Something is attracting me, and I believe in the laws of attraction. I wonder if there is something unsaid between us? I have not acted on ANY of the feelings I have. I continue to wait for this relationship to evolve. I am pretty happy right now just thinking about it. She makes me happy. I am simply trying to figure my feelings out! I have NEVER had this happen to me before. I remember in adolescence, "Loving" my girlfriends alot, but not like this! Amy, she is all that, and more...she is smokin'. I know, I said we are "older" women, but we are both vibrant, smart, beautiful, self assured women, both engaged in very challenging careers, our paths have crossed, and that is that. Some day soon, you will be this age, and find that it is really no different than being 30, or 20, except that you know a whole lot more. My real question is, I guess, at this point in life, I have learned that only I can make myself happy, follow your heart's desire, you only get one chance in life....etc etc... None of this is about "getting lucky"...it's about living a life that means something, and our lives evolve.
We shall see...I am saving that bottle of wine.

As a Newbie, I am permanently searching online for articles that can help me. Thank you
lets Play game

Whoa! This blog looks exactly like my old one! It's on a entirely different topic but it has pretty much the same page layout and design. Outstanding choice of colors!