Fade To Blackheads
My girlfriend is cute, but I've never really been attracted to her or found her intellectually interesting. Perhaps it's unfair that I've stayed for so long (two and a half years), but there's much I love and admire about her. She's compassionate, ethical, good-humored, and patient, and she treats me like a king -- cooks extraordinary meals, gives me backrubs and rejuvenating skin care treatments. Is there hope for us?
--Pampered
There's much you love and admire about your girlfriend -- like the way she plucks those little stray hairs from between your brows. Just think where you'd be without her. Well, probably in a sexually and intellectually fulfilling relationship, but with much larger pores. Maybe you believe that if you like a woman as a person, everything will fall into place. She'll get interesting. Sexual attraction will come. Or, maybe that's what you tell yourself to keep those cucumber facials coming. You obviously have minimum standards for a girlfriend. Hold them up to women you meet, and ditch those who don't measure up -- before they spend two years waiting on Your Royal Highness. Unfortunately, the love you now have will be hard to replace. Unless, of course, you can score an appointment at the corner massage place, buy yourself dinner afterward, and, on your way home, stop off at the drugstore for some Biore face strips.
My girlfriend is cute, but I've never really been attracted to her or found her intellectually interesting.
If I ever...ever found out my boyfriend had said something like this about me...I'd WANT him to break up with me.
sofar at May 31, 2011 6:50 PM
OMG! I agree with sofar. LW should just reverse his comment and imagine what he would want.
I've heard a lot of lame excuses for staying with someone you're not attracted to, but getting massages and facials has to be the lamest.
lovelysoul at May 31, 2011 8:05 PM
LW, I wouldn't say you're not attracted to her...you obviously have a thing for neediness. Ten bucks says Girlfriend knows you're not into her sexually or intellectually and is keeping up the rejuvenating skin treatments (seriously?) as a way to hang onto you.
There is much to mock in this letter, but if you're serious about asking whether to break up with her, I'd advise you to look at why you need a woman who bows and scrapes. Perhaps if you were with a sexually and intellectually stimulating woman, you'd constantly be worrying she'd find someone better?
NumberSix at May 31, 2011 8:14 PM
Yes you metrosexual twit it is unfair to string some woman along like this, especially for two and a half years!
This ladies is why you want to avoid metro pretty boys. They're like high maintenance women, total users.
Hirahm at May 31, 2011 8:32 PM
Is there hope for us?
Why do people ask questions like this? Mate, you've just said you don't find her attractive or interesting. That's your feelings we're talking about here. The only hope there could possibly be is you changing your mind. After 2+ years - what do you think?
I get that you do care about her, and you probably know it's going to hurt to do the "I just don't feel the same way you do" talk. It will. It's awful, and there's a pretty fair chance she'll never speak to you again. Man up and do it anyway. You're not doing her any favours by sticking around.
Ltw at May 31, 2011 11:36 PM
That's your feelings we're talking about here. The only hope there could possibly be is you changing your mind.
That's a major part of LW's problem, methinks. This guy actually reminds me of the woman from a few letters ago whose husband wouldn't have sex with her, so she started taking lovers. Both she and this LW want to get out and explore new relationships (because they know their current ones are crap), but they don't want to give up the security of the established one. Actually, that's likely Girlfriend's problem, too. She's with a guy she has to know on some level isn't really into her (especially since LW says nothing about jumping through hoops to convince her otherwise), yet she's making great efforts to keep him around. LW, since you're the one writing, we're putting it on you to deliver the fatal blow.
Parenthetically, Ltw, I'm with you in that I want to bash my head against my keyboard when people write in asking how they can change their feelings about their partners. Maybe seeing Amy and the rest of us point it out all the time will knock some sense into them. PEOPLE: It's not about changing your feelings, it's about deciding how to deal with them.
NumberSix at June 1, 2011 1:06 AM
PEOPLE: It's not about changing your feelings, it's about deciding how to deal with them.
THIS. This right here! Pay ATTENTION, LW!
Flynne at June 1, 2011 5:53 AM
That poor girl, dating a guy like this.
Spartee at June 1, 2011 6:09 AM
Neither of you will get those two years back. If this isn't a felony, it ought to be.
I just can't imagine wasting your time with someone you're not attracted to. Why? Friends, sure, but a relationship?
Man up. She might be perfect for some other guy, but you are wasting her life.
MarkD at June 1, 2011 6:49 AM
I agree with Spartee -- that girl seems to be doing an awful lot for no real payoff. Maybe she should be thinking about her standards, too.
"You obviously have minimum standards for a girlfriend. Hold them up to women you meet, and ditch those who don't measure up..." I wonder if LW's standards are based more on what he thinks he might be missing, versus what he thinks he wants. An attitude like that would leave you dissatisfied most of the time, no matter how cool a girlfriend you have.
Old RPM Daddy at June 1, 2011 6:54 AM
Ug. He's keeping her around because she waits on him. I feel awful for her.
ahw at June 1, 2011 7:59 AM
"My girlfriend is cute, but I've never really been attracted to her or found her intellectually interesting"
Found some emails between my ex and one of the women he was schtupping while I was fighting cancer.
"75 awful hours of bad sex with Kate"
Ouch. After faxing those emails to his boss, I dumped him.
Kate O'Brien at June 1, 2011 8:16 AM
It is after reading stories like this that I think better and better of age-old practices of arranged marriages. Girl's parents ought to decide who her husband shall be.
Mere Mortal at June 1, 2011 8:37 AM
One thing I find interesting about this discussion is how everyone is so focused upon this portion of the letter:
“My girlfriend is cute, but I've never really been attracted to her or found her intellectually interesting.”
Yet not a single comment bothers to asses the following portion or even seems to takes it into consideration when offering their opinion on this topic:
“She's compassionate, ethical, good-humored, and patient, and she treats me like a king”
Surely this part must count for something, but apparently not to this crowd. That is kind of a depressing.
I for one would take a cute, compassionate, ethical, good-humored, and patient partner who cares enough about me to treat me well over an amazingly attractive partner without those qualities and consider myself lucky.
I guess it is about priorities.
Reality at June 1, 2011 11:28 AM
Fair enough Reality.
"Cute, compassionate, ethical, good-humored, and patient partner who cares enough about me to treat me well" WOULD be fantastic IF all those things attracted him to her. But despite all those great qualities, he feels kinda "Meh?" about her.
I think that's what is counting for this crowd.
Niki at June 1, 2011 11:52 AM
Niki Says:
"But despite all those great qualities, he feels kinda "Meh?" about her."
This is a very valid point and one that I do not dispute.
What I find rather confusing about all this is how they even ended up dating in the first place.
I mean, if she was not attractive to him and intellectually boring right from the start, how did they even date for a month let alone 2 years.
All of those other qualities that are positive are ones that you find out over the longer term and should tend to make you like the person more.
So basically the LW is saying that he started dating this girl... never really liked her... and then discovered all of these awesome things about her over 2 years and only then decides that he might need to end things.
The process seems ass ways backwards to me.
My feelings are that if you are feeling kinda "Meh" about someone, what is the point about going out with them more or ever agreeing to be exclusive?
If this had ended after date 2 or 3 he would have never known how compassionate, ethical, good-humored, and patient she was and there would be no issue here.
Reality at June 1, 2011 12:16 PM
I for one would take a cute, compassionate, ethical, good-humored, and patient partner who cares enough about me to treat me well over an amazingly attractive partner without those qualities and consider myself lucky.
I guess it is about priorities
It's not about priorites, it's about baseline requirements. He didn't say his gf wasn't "amazingly attractive", he said he's never been attracted to her. It is an absolute requirement that you be attracted to your partner. My SO will never be on any magazine covers, but holey moley does she do it for me.
kf at June 1, 2011 2:23 PM
What I find rather confusing about all this is how they even ended up dating in the first place.
Yes. What were the circumstances that led this guy to date a woman he isn't attracted to on any level? Did he see her giving "rejuvenating skin treatments" to another guy and think "Hey, that one's for me!"?
I keep betting money in this thread, but I have another ten bucks that says she was the one who made the advances (because she wants a relationship, any relationship) and he glommed onto her because she wasn't sexually or intellectually attractive to him, and, therefore, safe for him to date.
NumberSix at June 1, 2011 2:29 PM
The LW sounds young. If I could only make him appreciate how rare it will be later to find minimal baggage on considerate people, he might develop a genuine attraction to his GF.
But alas, youth is generally ignorant, so probably this is doomed.
LW: absorb what the women are telling you about the creepiness and unkindness of this situation. Your GF has the opportunity to find real happiness with someone else. So ASAP you need to give a true and compelling reason to break up (a TRUE reason does not mean your MAIN reason, given that's it's so cruel and unfair). And if what you've heard so far doesn't motivate you, consider your self-interest. Every month you wait to fire the trigger results in 20 extra decibels in her reaction.
Get moving.
TL at June 1, 2011 3:41 PM
LW: Grow up and end the relationship. 2 1/2 years is 2 years longer than it should have taken you to figure out if the attraction is not there it will not grow.
Do this girl a favor and get out of the relationship. She deserves someone who loves her and not the food, skin treatments and massages.
Do yourself a favor and try and find a girl you are attracted to both sexually and intellectually. Unless what you are attracted to is way out of your league, you should be able to find one and be happier and not write to the advice goddess again.
worthit at June 1, 2011 6:10 PM
LW, do yourself and this girl a favor and break up with her NOW.
IsisM at June 1, 2011 6:47 PM
This guy wants a drama queen. He deserves one.
ken in sc at June 1, 2011 6:57 PM
kf says:
"He didn't say his gf wasn't "amazingly attractive", he said he's never been attracted to her."
You are correct, it does say that. However that only opens up a collection of other questions.
I mean, if he has "never" been attracted to her physically or mentally how on earth did they get together at all let alone together for 2 years.
2 years is a huge amount of time to spend exclusively with someone who you have never at any point been attracted to.
Either this guy is being honest and is really strange, or that statement is an exaggeration.
As NumberSix suggests it is possible that she asked him out, but that still doesn't explain the development of an exclusive long term relationship.
Even if this guy initially accepted the advances of a woman he was not attracted to physically or mentally, why would that develop into something long term that prevented him from dating anyone else?
This whole situation makes no sense to me but I feel like TL and ken might be onto something that this girl doesn't present enough drama for this individual so he would rather find something completely unstable.
Maybe his next girl friend will be incredibly attractive and very interesting but be uncaring, unethical, ill-tempered, impatient, and treat him like dirt… only then will he be able to find true happiness.
Reality at June 1, 2011 10:05 PM
Even if this guy initially accepted the advances of a woman he was not attracted to physically or mentally, why would that develop into something long term that prevented him from dating anyone else?
Because then he gets to say he's dissatisfied with his relationship and looking for something more, all while wallowing in the security of a woman who'd trim his toenails with her teeth to keep him around. He'd be too insecure and paranoid with a woman he was actually interested in, because she might find someone better and leave him.
NumberSix at June 1, 2011 11:29 PM
Parenthetically, Ltw, I'm with you in that I want to bash my head against my keyboard when people write in asking how they can change their feelings about their partners.
Ha, NumberSix, why do you think I don't write to Amy? Despite some issues that might make an entertaining column. There's nothing I could ask that I don't already know the answer to.
I'm a lot better at giving advice than taking it :) At least I'm often speaking from experience - "been there, done that, bought the T-shirt, regretted it" - when I tell someone they're screwing up.
Girl's parents ought to decide who her husband shall be.
I'm confused Mere Mortal - how exactly would that help? I suppose the guy gets to feel less guilty that he's not into his wife because it's not his fault. Or something.
Ltw at June 2, 2011 4:06 AM
Maybe his next girl friend will be incredibly attractive and very interesting but be uncaring, unethical, ill-tempered, impatient, and treat him like dirt
Hey, Reality, you just described the last girl I got really hung up on! Exactly, except for ill-tempered. You forgot selfish though.
My god I miss her. Haven't seen her for a few months - maybe I should give her a call?
Ltw at June 2, 2011 4:12 AM
"Even if this guy initially accepted the advances of a woman he was not attracted to physically or mentally, why would that develop into something long term that prevented him from dating anyone else?"
Maybe he started out being nice, and was just too wimpy to end it (as evidenced by him writing to Advice Goddess, rather than just doing the deed).
He also may not be that attractive himself and has fewer options. He may have reasoned that he would be better off holing onto her, rather than being alone.
It's also common for younger people to tell themselves that attraction will "grow", but that rarely, if ever, happens. Despite however many good qualities a person has, they usually have nothing to do with that innate chemistry or "spark" that makes up physical attraction.
lovelysoul at June 2, 2011 6:22 AM
NumberSix Says:
"Because then he gets to say he's dissatisfied with his relationship and looking for something more, all while wallowing in the security of a woman who'd trim his toenails with her teeth to keep him around."
I don't know, I think this is unlikely. Given this scenario it seems like he could have easily strung her along while dating around and tell her that he wasn't ready to be exclusive.
After thinking about this situation a little more I am starting to feel like this may be one of those relationships where a homosexual tries to convince himself he is into women only to find out it doesn't quite work.
Reality at June 2, 2011 8:15 AM
Talk about separate realities...
This:
I mean, if he has "never" been attracted to her physically or mentally how on earth did they get together at all let alone together for 2 years.
2 years is a huge amount of time to spend exclusively with someone who you have never at any point been attracted to.
Either this guy is being honest and is really strange, or that statement is an exaggeration.
directly contradicts this:
Yet not a single comment bothers to asses the following portion or even seems to takes it into consideration when offering their opinion on this topic:
"She's compassionate, ethical, good-humored, and patient, and she treats me like a king"
Surely this part must count for something, but apparently not to this crowd. That is kind of a depressing.
I for one would take a cute, compassionate, ethical, good-humored, and patient partner who cares enough about me to treat me well over an amazingly attractive partner without those qualities and consider myself lucky.
I guess it is about priorities.
I'm on board with the 10:05 post (first excerpt).
kf at June 2, 2011 9:24 AM
italics are messed up above - sorry
kf at June 2, 2011 9:25 AM
...Hey, Reality, you just described the last girl I got really hung up on!...
Ltw, you and I dated the same girl! Attractive, sexy, intelligent, selfish, and picky. But NOT interesting. When I really thought about it, I realized that her MO was to attract interesting people to her so they could entertain her. In the company of all these people and being so interested in her physically, I assumed she herself was interesting. But then a friend of mine said "I'm drawing a blank as I try to think of what she's like." Bingo. As the most attractive member of her group, she never developed the experience, wisdom, and humor that comes from overcoming hardship. And that lured me in further...I imposed my own opinions and interests on her blankness, concluding that she was amazing AND just like me. But she wasn't like me or like anything...just pretty, hollow and passive.
Again, youth won't understand this until they experience it. The most attractive qualities are sincerity, reasonableness, humor, and kindness.
TL at June 2, 2011 10:29 AM
Don't discount the power of post hoc rationalization. This guy may have found her attractive at one time, but because he now doesn't rationalizes that he never really did. You'll see people reverse themselves on all sorts of things in relationships and try to justify it by telling themselves that that's what they truly felt all along - though for some reason they didn't realize it.
jerome at June 2, 2011 11:43 AM
My take on why they even got together in the first place?
1. She's female
2. She likes him. Presumably a lot.
3. Clearly she does things for him.
4. Most likely he has been terrified of talking with women all his life and she made the approach. This leads to 1-3 meaning he stays with her.
And yeah, I'm kind of speaking from experience.
WayneB at June 3, 2011 12:58 PM
I have two different replies.
Firstly, is the LW going to get his switch flipped by any female? The grooming routine was a red flag for me.
Oooorrrrr....
Secondly, the LW picked a girl with his upper brain rather than the one that lurks behind his zipper. Kudos. How many times have you heard or thought why don't guys pick nice girls? Why do they pick psycho-bitches with mean hearts?
He met a girl and recognized her many admirable qualities and started a relationship with her. He has been apparently waiting for the zing to kick in and it hasn't. And probably won't.
Hopefully LW can find a girl with the character he admires and the added benefit of attraction. Or he can accept the current relationship and hopefully build in some zip.
He sounds pretty bored with the status quo so my advice is to end the relationship (with as much kindness as possible) and move on to hopefully find a woman that really cranks his tractor on more levels.
LauraGr at June 8, 2011 7:33 AM
She's compassionate, ethical, good-humored, and patient, and she treats me like a king
In the context of this letter all these things sound like faint praise, somehow. He might as well have written 'She asks 'are you okay' if I feel bad, doesn't lie to me, doesn't yell at me, doesn't rush me, and treats me like a king'. Somehow it's all about what she does (or doesn't do) for him, and they are the absence of negatives, not true positives.
I'm with you all about that he needs to break up with her so she can go and finds somebody who appreciates her. Keeping this going is just selfish.
Anne de Vries at July 3, 2011 12:53 PM
Leave a comment