When You Wish Upon A Ringo Starr
I'm 25, a singer in a band, and extremely motivated to make a career out of my music. In fact, I'm moving to LA this week for that purpose. I've been casually dating -- speedily dumping men who've gotten attached (not my fault, I make my intentions super-clear). I should be packing now, but I'm a mess. Last week, I got beyond wasted with our drummer, and we slept together. He's a guy I always knew I could fall for, but since relationships aren't my priority and he had a girlfriend until recently, I never gave him much thought. The morning after, he gave me a quick platonic hug and made it pretty clear he had no interest in anything more. Now, despite my total career focus, I'm having these weird thoughts -- like, if he asked me to stay and be with him, I probably would. I don't even believe in marriage, but if he proposed now, there's a good chance I'd say yes! Have I lost my mind?
--Unnerved
It takes a rock off the planet Krypton to disable Superman. For you, it's five Rolling Rocks and a drunken hookup. Suddenly, you're dreaming of that "most important day of a girl's life," which, just hours before, involved pledging to spend the rest of your next five years wedded to Def Jam.
While it must seem like aliens came down and swapped out your brain for Mrs. Cleaver's, it's possible that the culprit is the release, during sex, of oxytocin, a hormone nicknamed "the hug drug" and "the cuddle chemical." In "Why Women Have Sex," psychologists Cindy Meston and David Buss explain, "Oxytocin release has been associated with emotional bonding and might explain why some women experience an intense feeling of connectedness with their partners following orgasm." ("The biochemistry of attachment made me do it!")
This might explain why it's hard for many women to have casual sex. In men, testosterone slaps down the oxytocin, making it easier for them to roll over and be on to the next. But, in a study by psychologist John Townsend, even women with every intention of humping and dumping some guy tended to end up feeling all cuddlywuddly and vulnerable in the morning. But, wait! That isn't you. In fact, you've left a trail of broken men in your wake. ("Sorry, boys, but they don't call her Lady Gaga because she was hanging around her hometown making googly eyes at a string of aspiring Sir Gagas.")
How does a cool customer like you go from wanting to hop the fast track to a Grammy to the fast track to becoming somebody's grammy? Well, for starters, this guy wasn't some groupie you could flick off like a bug. He was your bandmate, your equal, and a guy you "always knew you could fall for." And maybe you had fallen for him but shoved your crush behind some amp somewhere because you were leaving and he had a girlfriend. Now, with big scary life changes looming, maybe it's tempting to find a reason to stay where you are. You need to decide who's the boss here -- your ambition or your feelings. It can't be a democracy. One of them has to be queen. If making it in music is still what you want, just pull yourself up by your bra straps and be that person you were before you rolled the drummer -- probably the last person who'd remix "Go west!" into "Or...maybe I'll just go nest."
Man, no wonder men end up feeling like everything women do is random.
Lobster at June 21, 2011 8:24 PM
To LW:
Do not take this "oxytocin made me do it" stuff too seriously.
At most, it illuminated something that was latent,
but it is not a cause or a reason of any feelings no matter what those brain-dead "researchers" publish these days.
Think about it differently: nothing is as creative as unrequited love. Go and write a song or two.
Mere Mortal at June 21, 2011 8:35 PM
LW:
Well, propose to Mr. Drummer he come with you to Los Angeles, and give him a good blow job while sober. Take it up the ass with a lot of whimpering, and other sound effects. Tell him he brings out the submissive in you. Hey, you want this to work, or not?
I am certain your musical career will take off in Los Angeles, and you will become rich and famous, and the drummer will admire you greatly. Then, since you will have some fame and money anyway, even if he leaves, another guy will pop up to take his place.
BOTU at June 21, 2011 8:53 PM
brain-dead "researchers" publish these days.
You'll note that I take a rigorous approach to science, which is why I quoted Meston and Buss (I like to quote from consumer books, if possible, because then people can turn to the source). I don't know Meston's work all that well, but Buss is solid on science and his grad students I've read usually are, too.
Note that the language Buss and Meston use makes clear that there's an "association," while many use less scientific language.
The fact remains, women are less able to compartmentalize, generally speaking, than men are. Testosterone and oxytocin seem reasonable possibilities, which is how they're presented.
Amy Alkon at June 21, 2011 8:55 PM
Oxytocin is dangerous. It's why you see so many good girls with bad boys.
Bluejean Baby at June 22, 2011 6:50 AM
@Amy
>>Note that the language Buss and Meston use makes clear that there's an "association," ...
>>
>>The fact remains, women are less able to compartmentalize,...
Taking together, these two statements "suggest" that for women everything is "associated" to everything else. And being "associated" is almost the same as being "the culprit". LOL.
So, guys, remember that if a girl says to you that your car is stuck in mud on the way to a party because you do not like her new dress, it is an almost scientific statement.
Mere Mortal at June 22, 2011 7:17 AM
As a post script to those equal rights advocates.... oxytocin is also the reason why you see so many good boys with bad girls.
Bluejean Baby at June 22, 2011 7:29 AM
See the etiquette of beating article, and run. New band, different guy, different city. It won't last; this is you we're writing about.
There's a song in it, and I want to hear it.
MarkD at June 22, 2011 7:29 AM
Heheheheh! Oh my youth! Although I didn't think I was good enough to go nationwide, I sang with a couple of local bands for quite a while. This is one of the dangers of being in the band - the whole hooking-up and breaking-up within and without the band. Egads, Sweetheart! Here's the thing: if you've got the chops to make it, you go for it! NOW! The boys will come and go for quite a while, and you should enjoy it while it lasts. Be the butterfly and never cut your options.
When the ONE (TM) comes along, you'll know it. Drummer Boy isn't the ONE. And you know this. Listen to your gut, and get on with it. I want to hear your new single by year's end.
GO FOR IT.
Flynne at June 22, 2011 8:05 AM
Well mere mortal, I hate to be the bearer of reason...(I'm lying about that, I don't mind), but "love" and "attachment" and every other emotion you can name, has its place in the human brain. These aren't mysterious external forces like cupid's arrow or the spell of some Shakespearean sprite, but internal chemically driven forces that developed over the eons of our evolution as a species.
This means that they are chemical reactions that are based on our respective sexes. Now one may argue endlessly over the impact of other genetic factors and the importance of environment in shaping how those chemicals interact with each other to produce specific emotional reactions to our activity. And people do exactly that. However it is impossible to argue reasonably that no chemical release in the brain plays an important role in how we connect to one another.
Robert at June 22, 2011 9:27 AM
@Robert
I do not even find it funny that you cast yourself as "the bearer of reason".
Please, release some of those chemicals into your own brain to figure out what I have posted above.
Let's not hijack this topic with "what-is-science-reason-belief" arguments. The Goddess might get angry.
Mere Mortal at June 22, 2011 10:35 AM
Because she hasn't wanted to get married until now and doesn't say anything about being in love with her drummer, it seems those feelings are not from latent desires to get married or be in a relationship with the drummer, but are naturally coming from:
1) her reasonable fear of making a huge change in her life -- moving to a new city and working toward a really hard dream. Since she's scared, she's grasping at straws to find a way to avoid it.
2) the natural feelings of bonding that come from the release of oxytocin when she (probably unwisely) had sex with the drummer. I don't see how the bonding effect of oxytocin is arguable. Oxytocin is also released after childbirth and during breastfeeding to bond the mother to her baby. I'm not saying that every time a woman has sex, she becomes obsessed with the guy, but immediately after sex, there is a hormonal change that is associated with attachment that's stronger for women than for men. That makes sense and doesn't seem especially controversial to me.
3) the other thing at play here may just be her attraction bad boys -- women like the chase as much as men do. maybe all the other guys she's been with were too available. When this guy was so casual and over her so quickly, she saw that as a challenge and he immediately became more attractive. Probably if he suddenly decided he wanted to be with her, she'd be over him pretty quickly.
She shouldn't read too much into these wedding fantasies as they seem to be more about her anxiety than any real desire to have an actual relationship with the drummer. So her real choice is just if she really wants to try for a singing career and move or not.
Debbie at June 22, 2011 5:04 PM
Awesome advice Amy!
@BOTU - You're onto something, submissives are really the ones in charge anyway :)
Gspotted at June 23, 2011 7:01 PM
Now, with big scary life changes looming, maybe it's tempting to find a reason to stay where you are.
Nailed it.
Thag Jones at June 23, 2011 8:03 PM
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