Adjusting The Shudder
I'm an okay-looking guy, but I look terrible in photos. I am joining an online dating site and don't know what to do about my picture. I can't afford a photographer.
--Unphotogenic
Some people's photos look best with some clever cropping. Apparently, yours look best if you crop out your head. Part of your problem is that you probably think of taking "a" picture (or three) instead of doing as professional photographers do -- taking maybe 1,000. This basically means staging a photographic accident, meaning in at least one of the 1,000 shots, you should accidentally look like yourself or even better.
A novelist friend of mine, Sonya Sones, author of The Hunchback of Neiman Marcus, takes some fantastic photos of her various traumatized author friends. She says people look best when the photographer shoots from a little above them and advises against using a flash -- ever -- because "it makes people look ugly. Period." She suggests shooting outdoors, in the shade: "In the sun, people get hideous haunted-house shadows under their eyes and noses, which is not a good look unless it happens to be Halloween." I'll add that you should experiment initially with different angles to find your best and try some shots in which you're doing something you enjoy -- fishing or grilling or playing poker -- so you'll forget to freeze and look awkward. Put in a little effort and you could soon be posting a picture that's more NotBadLookingGuy123 than Quasimodo456 ("You had me at 'Hell no!'").
HAHAHAA! Amy, you're too funny! ...Quasimodo456 ("You had me at 'Hell no!'"). That was great!
And yes, you're right about having to take a multitude of pics to get the "right" one. There are very few photos of myself that I like, but those are the ones where I had no idea my picture was being taken!
Flynne at November 29, 2011 5:56 PM
So right. I have a couple of friends who are professional photographers. One asked me to do a shoot for some competition she was entering. She basically got me to sit there, chat, smoke, and drink 3/4 of a fifth of scotch while she clicked the camera every now and then. Over 300 shots, and about 5 of them were usable. Mostly past the halfway mark on the bottle. For the reason your friend describes, that people tend to freeze up, her main aim was just to get me relaxed and used to the camera, she knew that I wasn't like the professional models she usually worked with.
On the plus side, the best, which did win her something, is now hanging on my wall, and I have a couple of decent shots for FB/dating sites. And I have 5 CDs of me looking dumb with my mouth open, looking dumb glancing at the ceiling, looking dumb...I'm sure you get the picture.
Ltw at November 29, 2011 6:14 PM
I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks she doesn't photograph well.
KrisL at November 29, 2011 6:18 PM
I love digital cameras! I figure 30:1. Burn through 30 shots, get 1 usable one and 29 for the garbagerie. Probably 1 in 10 of the usable are what I consider really good shots.
LauraGr at November 29, 2011 8:07 PM
Former professional photographer here. Yes, a good photographer puts the person at ease and might shoot a few dozen frames. Direct flash is dreadful: harsh shadows, shiny skin, etc. Better is a bounce flash (I used to open the f-stop one and a half stops more when doing this); second best is a flash card velcroed to the flash (again, with the f-stop opened one and a half stops more). Or shoot outside on what they call a "good portrait day": a thin veil of clouds over the sun, making soft shadows. If all of that's too complicated, go to a studio.
Another thing: get a good haircut and put on a nice shirt. Obvious, I know, but how many men's photos on dating sites look really random?
Lori at November 29, 2011 8:24 PM
Ditch the baseball cap.
Dress up like you're running for MAYOR.
Take pics in honest sunlight, without sunglasses.
I'm on Plentyoffish (it's free), and use the Rate Images feature. The men's pics are mostly garbage-- shirtless; "witness protection"; bathroom mirror self portraits; indoors with ball caps and sunglasses. The women seem to do a little better. I hate when they pose with their little kids or three or four equally cute "besties". Are they coming on our date, too?
Lots of pics are ruined when people stand in shade, when there's open sunlight ten feet away.
Considering they have about 3 times more men than women members, it seems like they even out just the same, because the men are mostly such losers.
The Forums also have a Profile Review section where people chime in about why your profile sucks. Read what people gripe about, and proceed from there.
Jefe at November 29, 2011 11:59 PM
Oh yeah-- Don't get tempted to do your own self portraits. They look ridiculous. Find SOMEone-- your landlady, the homeless guy in the park (buy him a sammich)-- to take actual pics with a camera for you.
Jefe at November 30, 2011 12:01 AM
Maybe it's just me, but I find exclusively professional-shot type pictures on a dating site to be offputting. It just screams "trying too hard" or "I only look good in professional lighting" or "I'm a fake profile who stole these off the internet." I think you're better off using pictures that you already have. When I tried online dating, I used my best profile pictures from Facebook and most of the guys I met did the same. Many of the guys had shots of them sailing, rock-climbing, on an interesting vacation, with friends, with a pet etc. I like these because they're good conversation starters, they give you more insight into personality, and they serve as social proof that you're a "real" person out there having a life and not just a weirdo on the internet.
Obviously you need at least one or two pictures that clearly show your face and body, and maybe you should go photo-shoot for those, but don't be afraid to supplement those with pictures that are less self-portrait and more "hey look I'm climbing Mt Everest!" (And if you don't have any of these photos, just start bringing along a digital camera when you're out with friends or doing anything interesting. Or hang out with more female friends: girls always take pictures.)
Shannon at November 30, 2011 3:01 AM
One thing told me my a professional photographer: no one likes the way they look in pictures, because they don't think it looks like them. Reason? You're accustomed to seeing yourself in a mirror, where everything is reversed, so the subtle ways your right and left don't match make you look funny. Look at a picture of yourself in a mirror and you'll be surprised at the difference.
Mark H D at November 30, 2011 5:53 AM
You'd be amazed at what some clever or dramatic cropping can do for an otherwise mediocre photo. Same with BW as opposed to color. One other note—don't use shade, use a combination of sunlight and shade playing on your face, with the eyes in sunlight. And remember that you don't have to smile or look at the camera in every photo.
Razor at November 30, 2011 6:22 AM
@Jefe: I'm a semi-professional photographer, and I take self-portraits all the time. It's a great way to learn how to accept criticism and to be objective about a photograph that isn't the best.
Razor at November 30, 2011 6:24 AM
LW, maybe you're acting embarrassed when you see a camera because you're worried about how you look, and that is what is coming across .. guys look better when they look confident ... try fake some confidence next time? And stand up straight and get your posture correct.
Lobster at November 30, 2011 6:25 AM
On my Facebook page, I went for the longest time without a single pic. Instead preferring to put up a notice, "In compliance with the indecency statutes of the 1994 Federal Telecommuncations Act, the image of my obscenely ugly face is no longer permitted online."
My friends complained, but I held out. "But people will die!" I protested. They persisted, so I finally capitulated and posted a goddamn picture. Who am I trying to impress anyway.
Patrick at November 30, 2011 7:12 AM
Awww, I feel ya, OP.
I'm camera shy myself, as the wrong lighting and angle can make me look like I have Down's Syndrome. I have a friend who worked for a modeling agency and her best guess is that since I'm so pale and have no sharp planes in my face (think Gibson Girl or Nagel painting) that the camera just flattens everything out on me, while in person I look just fine.
Recently I was wrestling with the same issue--self portraits-- and my mad Googling brought me a lighting technique called short lighting. What you do is light one side of your face and then turn your head so the "long" side of your face is in shadow. (It makes more sense if you find a tutorial, I swear).
I haven't taken the picture yet, but I'm liking what I see in the mirror.
deathbysnoosnoo at November 30, 2011 8:37 AM
Re: professional portraits, I don't think it looks like you're trying too hard. A lot of professional people have their portraits taken to include in proposals and whatnot. Photos of someone sliding into home or with his shirt off at the pool say "trying too hard" to me.
I totally agree about losing the baseball cap. Women will wonder if you're bald.
You can shoot in the shade if you use a flash card.
@deathbysnoosnoo, if you have a detachable flash, you could velcro a white flash card to it and have your model friend or whoever hold it to the side of your face. Again, open the F-stop 1.5 stops more.
Lori at November 30, 2011 8:49 AM
Photoshop, before the app that un-does your tweaks becomes more widespread.
MarkD at November 30, 2011 12:41 PM
I took my own photos for a dating site. I took TONS of them in all sorts of outfits with different backgrounds, different make-up. Ones of me laughing, smiling, serious, from all different directions/angles that made them look candid, random etc.
It was a lot of pictures taken over a few days.
I got about 5 really good ones. I put a couple on horornot.com just to see how people would rate them. They got great ratings(9.5) so I knew I looked good so I used them for FB, the dating site, my linked-in profile. I met my now husband on the dating site so that definitely worked out!
You can take your own if you are patient enough and have a bit of fun with it.
I am an attractive women, but sort of chunky-10 lbs would be totally lying, it's more like 20-25 most of the time. Voluptuous is how I like to describe myself.
It did not hinder my meeting good looking men and marrying a very good looking and fit man. Yes, I wish I was good at being thin and staying thin, but it isn't the end of the world not be. Apparently you can still be a 9.5 out of 10 in the eyes of thousands (8776 voters the last time I checked. I should take that pic down now as it's 5 years old and I am less hot at 50 than I was at 45!)
Linny at December 1, 2011 3:57 PM
Go to Italy with a woman you're crazy about and have her take a photo of you. You'll feel great (because you're in Italy and you're in love) so you'll be smiling and look great. Then, two years later when that relationship has crashed and burned and you're ready to move on, you can use the photo on dating websites.
Jim at December 2, 2011 12:11 PM
In a past life I worked as a professional photographer and a photography teacher once gave me a great tip.
Find someone who really likes you to take the picture.
For some reason if the photographer likes/respects you and/or finds you attractive, you will get the best possible pictures. Even if the person is not professional or the most talented photographer.
David H at December 2, 2011 12:12 PM
Or hang out with more female friends: girls always take pictures.)
This is true, but for heaven's sake ladies crop it so it's just you! Nothing's worse than seeing a photo on a dating site/FB/whatever and thinking "she's cute", then realising that's just her cute friend. Any possible relationship has crashed and burned before it started because I already have a crush on your friend! What on earth are you trying to say? "Form a relationship with me and here are the women I can provide for you to hit on!"
End of rant.
Ltw at December 3, 2011 10:20 PM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/ag-column-archives/2011/11/adjusting-the-s.html#comment-2827302">comment from LtwThis guy doesn't need a girl who takes "pictures." (What, five?) He needs, as the column says, somebody who will spend an afternoon with him and take hundreds. See above.
I've written before about not having an arm in the photo. One would hope that would be obvious to people intelligent enough to be allowed out of the house without an aide, but apparently it's not.
Amy Alkon at December 4, 2011 2:31 AM
Completely agree. Wandered a bit off-topic I'm afraid.
Ltw at December 9, 2011 12:36 AM
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