There are no 10 pounds separating a woman from beauty.

I'm all, like, puh-leeeeeze

Also, some beauties sleep. They made a movie about this years ago.

Cridmeister, I like you all the more just for posting that, about the 10 pounds.

The movie? I slept through it!

"There are no 10 pounds separating a woman from beauty."

Very true, actually. I have never seen it put that way, but very true. A hot woman at 105 may be even hotter at 115, and will still be hot at 125.

I know female athletes clocking in at 165 pounds who are distractingly attractive. (But they are dedicated athletes, and look like it.)

Managing current and ex-gfs is like socialising cats. It's hard and doesn't always work (and sometimes they gang up on you!). Perhaps bf should be working harder to reassure her. It doesn't sound like bf and ex are spending a lot of time alone, she's just part of a circle of friends. Nothing to worry about.

Ex may be pretty - but he still cheated on her. So perhaps he was looking for something different anyway.

"There are no 10 pounds separating a woman from beauty.

I'm all, like, puh-leeeeeze"

My thoughts too, but maybe she means 10 pounds on the 'I'm too embarrassed to give you the real number' scale.

Women who weigh 10 pounds more than they think they should are HOT. It's something about the combination of low self esteem, pheromones and paranoia.

I don't think I'd want to be with someone who would be "lost without me," but maybe that's just me. If you're into mutual life-or-death dependency, sounds like a great relationship to me.

I particularly like the advice about accepting the fact that the relationship could end. That should be advice for everyone. You might be the perfect partner, but your partner's perfection is the variable you cannot control. To say nothing of the fact that people do get hit by buses, burn up in fires, get terminal diseases, etc.

I don't know. To me, it's not a good sign that he's still so close with the ex, especially if she's that sweet and pretty, and he felt so guilty over cheating and ruining the relationship. I've rarely seen this scenario be productive for anybody's relationship.

Sometimes, friendship is just a cover for wanting to stay in somebody's life after they dumped you in case they might decide to take you back. It would be better if the ex had been the dumpee, but LW's boyfriend was. Just because he won't cheat doesn't mean he isn't secretly hoping she'll change her mind about him.

Besides, this doesn't sound like an occasional social run in with the ex. She says they are "alone" and "talking a lot" and she hasn't complained about her "being around so much".

The LW has every right to feel uncomfortable with this, and I think she should tell her boyfriend that it makes her uncomfortable. She should ask him how he'd feel if the situation was reversed and she was still hanging around with an extremely handsome ex who dumped her. If he values their relationship, he'll tone things down with his ex.

Ooops, I meant LS, not LW. I'm not the LW

I disagree LS.

Maybe there'd be something to that if they were hanging out and she was left alone all the time. But seeing as this is one of those "circle of friends" situations, it doesn't seem like anyone is really left out.

Does she have a right to feel that way?

Of course, everyone has a right to their feelings.

That does not make them any more rational.

He's given no indication that he's doing anything wrong, and expecting him to stop spending time with a mutual friend because she's to sweet and attractive and it makes her nervous...well that borders on psycho, with one foot already over the border.

If the situation were reversed, well the only guys that get disturbed by that are: Paranoid jerks, controlling assholes, and sweet guys on sitcoms like "Friends" who always resolve the problem in an hour or less.

The only thing she can do here by opening that can of worms is turn a nonexistant problem into a real one.

Robert wrote: Does she have a right to feel that way?

Of course, everyone has a right to their feelings.

That does not make them any more rational.

Agreed. You can't help how you feel, but you can sure help how you act!

Besides: I doubt the LW would WANT the ex to know she's jealous. But, if the LW tells her BF that the ex being around makes her "uncomfortable," I guarantee it'll get back to the ex somehow, especially if it's a circle of friends situation. So, if the LW does say something, the inevitable outcome will be that the ex is STILL around, that the ex KNOWS the LW is jealous, and that the friends all think the LW is psycho.

"...don't try to control a man by telling him what to do. You tell a man what to do by making him happy and by being happy with him."

Bingo! We have a winner.

"If the situation were reversed, well the only guys that get disturbed by that are: Paranoid jerks, controlling assholes, and sweet guys on sitcoms like "Friends" who always resolve the problem in an hour or less."

Well, I disagree with that, Robert. Or maybe this "circle of friends" thing is something for the younger set, where everybody hangs out with their past lovers (THAT, to me, sounds more like a sitcom!).

Most men I know wouldn't be all that comfortable with their girlfriend or wife hanging out alone "so much" with an attractive ex that she was "sick" over hurting and breaking up with.

I mean, it's one thing if you run into each other from time to time. I live in a small town. We stumble into exs occasionally and mine is even my business partner, and father of my kids, but out of respect for my husband, I don't hang out with him alone and talk "a lot" with him - no more than necessary. We're cordial, probably even more than most, but it wouldn't be fair in my opinion to try to be really close friends with him now that I'm committed to someone else.

And I'd totally understand if my husband said it made him uncomfortable. It's natural for it to be uncomfortable. Deep down, who really wants to see their current love hanging out and being emotionally intimate with an ex, especially one who is extremely attractive?

Or maybe this "circle of friends" thing is something for the younger set, where everybody hangs out with their past lovers (THAT, to me, sounds more like a sitcom!).

I think it's pretty common, although you might be right that it's more common among younger people. My circle is generally made up of people I went to college with, and we pretty much all dated one another in different configurations over the years.

My current boyfriend used to date my former roommate, and she's still one of my best friends and very much a part of our circle. And a lot of people who are in our group were brought in as "so-and-so's girlfriend" -- and they just stuck around after the break-up because we all became friends.

LW mentions that her BF and his ex do hang out "alone" sometimes. I guess that depends on what it means -- are they having long candle-lit dinners regularly from which the LW is excluded? Or is she just talking about the group being at a club and the BF and ex stepping outside for a smoke together?

After watching a friend damn near die over that 'last ten pounds' bullshit, I've given up on saying anything on the subject to any woman. This has got to count as some kind of mental defect or disease.

What?
Gregg calls you fatty?

I don't believe it.

Ok, what does he tease you about? Being like Rachel? Or Roxanne, The most sexy redhead in the world? just wondering.

Well, if you were fat, he shouldn't tease you about being fat...unless he was fat too, which would make it a mutual tease. Still, it's rarely a good idea. It's one thing to tease about something someone does or doesn't do, but another to tease about how someone looks.

'My thoughts too, but maybe she means 10 pounds on the 'I'm too embarrassed to give you the real number' scale.'

Maybe, but he's still with HER. I"m guessing it's not cause he thinks she would be hot if only she lost a little.

This is rather like LeAnne Rhymes starving herself to look exactly like the ex her hubby cheated on WITH her. Yes, I read too much US Weekly. We all have vices.

Here's a devious thought, but I'll throw it out there. Maybe he's with her to show the ex how reformed he is. What a good boyfriend he is now. "Look, let's get together often so I can show you how changed I am! After all, I'm not cheating on HER even though she's a little pudgy..." Then, the ex reconsiders, tells him she really misses him, and they get back together.

I'm sorry, but, in my opinion, unless two people date and break up because the relationship fizzles out and they realize they were always better friends than lovers, there's usually sexual chemistry left over on somebody's part. It's playing with fire to stay this close to a hot and sexy ex...and there's often an ulterior motive.

Maybe people just out of college regularly hang out with their old hook ups, but something about this seems threatening. LW herself feels threatened by it, and usually it's smart to follow your gut on these matters.

Also, it's important not to read too much into the fact that he's WITH her...as if he's made a choice between the two of them. He didn't. His ex dumped him, so even if he'd prefer to be with her, he can't...right now.

As for teasing: Teasing can be more than that. It can be really destructive and mean-spirited. My husband also teases me about being easily distracted, but that's not a sacred cow for me, so I don't care. It's funny. He doesn't tease me about things that mean more because that wouldn't be funny.

My ex-boyfriend and I are still good friends. He comes over sometimes and hangs out with me and my current boyfriend. My eyes glaze over as the two of them get into detailed conversatons about computer gadgets.

I'm not saying it isn't possible to be good friends with an ex. A lot depends on why you broke up (as I said, it's best if it wasn't too dramatic or passionate, just a fizzling out). It's also best if the ex gains tons of weight, goes bald, or just generally isn't attractive to you "in that way" anymore.

My ex and husband get along well. They shake hands, talk guy stuff, and sometimes, he comes over for a visit. But there are limits. I've actually had to adjust because he used to come over more often before we were married - to see the kids, etc. In fact, even last year, he came over for Christmas morning to see the kids unwrap their gifts, but my husband made it clear this was NOT his idea of a great Christmas tradition, and I respect that.

He didn't actually ask me to stop it, but since it makes him uncomfortable, I don't want to. If you know something is making your partner uncomfortable, you don't want to continue it.

What bothers me here is that LW doesn't seem to feel that she should have a voice. She hasn't even told him how uncomfortable she is with this, although it's a perfectly normal reaction.

What bothers me here is that LW doesn't seem to feel that she should have a voice. She hasn't even told him how uncomfortable she is with this, although it's a perfectly normal reaction.

True. I think she should tell him it makes her uncomfortable and see what he says.

It looks like basic insecurity to me. LW is thinking "If he cheated on her and she's cute, sweet and skinny, he'll probably cheat on me too since I am none of those things and the ex is obviously a better catch than me".

Sounds like LW is using a different measuring stick to value her worth than BF is.

I would doubt the boyfriend, too. If he has cheater mentality, that is unlikely to change.

LS, I really have to disagree. Right now there is a problem that exists only in her own head as far as we can tell.

Now I would agree with you whole heartedly if he was taking off on trips with her, or alone with her a lot on outings that look like dates, so on and so forth.

That is a situation wherein I would suggest she should say something.

But its not, far as anyone knows.

So lets see, what can happen here if she opens her yap and complains?

A. He'll stop being friendly with their mutual friend.

If "A" happens, she might be happy, but he'll start feeling resentful because she didn't trust him, he didn't trust a woman she calls a friend, and one way or another it will end up costing them both a friendship that he at least, values. That mutual friend is part of a larger group apparently, word will get to her sooner or later, and perhaps the rest of their friends, thinking (rightly) that she's going off the deep end, will distance themselves as well. End result: She's "secure" but with a resentful boyfriend that will probably leave her the NEXT time he's friends with somebody attractive that his girlfriend sees as competition.

B. He'll have a nice long discussion with her, and she'll eventually give way and acknowledge that there is no real problem here...but she'll cling to the issue and bring it up again with regular frequency, because arguments or disputes that do not end the way the woman wants, likely do not really end, they just have "cooling off" periods. In the end, she'll feel resentful, he'll feel resentful, and they'll break it off anyway.

Not much else is all that likely. But there is no positive outcome if she turns a nonexistent problem in her head into a real one in the real world.

I see remaining friends with exes as a sign of a mature character in a person. As long as that person was not abusive or otherwise toxic, why wouldn't you remain friends, or at least friendly?

Most of the people I know who have destructive or nonexistent relationships with exes also have problems in their current romantic life. just anecdotal, but noteworthy, IMHO.

LW needs to go by the evidence in front of her, that her man SHOWS HER he loves her and is committed to her. Look to those things for help in squashing the insecurities.

I'm not saying it isn't possible to be good friends with an ex. A lot depends on why you broke up (as I said, it's best if it wasn't too dramatic or passionate, just a fizzling out).

There's something to that LS. As I believe I've mentioned before, I'm friends with most of my exes. But the one I have the easiest relationship with is my very first gf. We met at school at 15 and went out for 6 years. Then we woke up one morning and she simply asked, not in a spiteful or angry way but as a genuine question "are you ever going to marry me?" I thought about it seriously and said "no, I don't think so". We broke up then and there and that was it. It had just run its course.

Since then our lives have taken very different paths - she's religious, married, kids, I'm an atheist drunk middle aged bachelor, but we've stayed very close. I MC'ed her wedding, her first child has my name (hubby chose it, bless him), even though she lives out of town we catch up a few times a year minimum. And she tells her husband he should thank me for teaching her not to be a bitch (redhead, Irish/Scottish background, very fiery till I started walking out on her for three days every time she was totally unreasonable).

Do I still find her sexually attractive? Yes, of course I do, like I do with most of my exes. But you don't have to act on that. And she's met most of my subsequent gfs and (mostly) they haven't had a problem. I think you can tell when that dynamic is there and when it isn't.

The LW doesn't seem to have any particular reason to suspect her bf, she's just comparing herself to the ex and wondering if she can measure up. She's worrying more about what "other girls" would do. Screw 'em.

As lori m said, insecurity. That's all this is.