I Smell A Rut
I just got dumped by a guy who swore he was ready to settle down (after years of serial monogamy). His relationship history reminded me of the man you wrote about recently who had been married and divorced five times and was on relationship number six. Woman number six wrote you, "He's in his 50s; his marriage-hopping has to stop." Obviously, she's fooling herself, but what's his deal? What's anyone's who gets married over and over?
--Morbidly Curious
Some model their marriage on their parents' and some on their parents' car lease. (Sadly, hanging a new-car smell pine tree around the wife's neck doesn't seem to stem the flow of trade-ins.)
Everybody wants to believe their love will last, but when a guy's marrying Wife Number Five, some honesty in vow-making seems called for -- for example, "Till mild boredom do us part." And in keeping with the trend of using movie lines in the ceremony, the groom can turn to the minister at the end and state the Schwarzenegger-accented obvious: "I'll be back."
The notion that the only valid relationship is one that ends with the partners in twin chairs on the veranda of Senior Acres, rocking off into the sunset together, keeps some of the wrong people chasing it. The truth is, some people just aren't wired for forever. That's okay -- providing they're honest with themselves and their partners that for them, lasting relationships last only so long ("when two become as one" and then one starts getting all fidgety for the next one).
Even for those who are determined to make forever work, there's a problem, and it's called "hedonic adaptation" -- getting acclimated to positive additions to our lives and no longer getting the lift out of them that we did at first. This happens with boob jobs, lottery wins -- and marriage, explained happiness researcher Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky on my weekly radio show. Lyubomirsky writes in her terrific book, "The How of Happiness," of a 15-year study in Germany showing that couples got a big boost in happiness when they got married -- a boost that, on average, lasted two years.
According to Lyubomirsky, research shows that the most powerful ways to combat hedonic adaptation are adding variety and expressing gratitude. You add variety by shaking up your date night routine, going on vacation (even a quick one), and varying your daily life in small, fun ways. You can express gratitude by buying or making some little thing to say how much you appreciate your partner or by verbally admiring his or her hotitude and wonderful qualities. Lyubomirsky explained, "Gratitude is almost by definition an inhibitor of adaptation," because adaptation means we're taking something for granted. "Being grateful for something is appreciating it, savoring it - i.e., NOT taking it for granted."
Predicting whether a particular guy is a romance junkie can be tough. (It's not like a meth habit. There are no scabs.) A girlfriend-hopper might swear he's ready to settle down and believe it -- until the moment he realizes he's not. You'll want to believe him; we all tend to lead with our ego: "I'll be the one he's different for." This is risky if your ovaries are on the clock. If, however, you can just live in the moment and hope for lots more moments...well, there's always that chance you'll end up being his eighth and only.
I read an article ages ago about spouses who take "sabbaticals" from each other - taking a year to go do research overseas, taking a temporary professorship in another state, etc, and how great that was for their marriage. (Of course, these were all privileged folks who could afford to maintain two households and didn't have dependents who needed two parents, and had a lot of autonomy to begin with.)
Still, it seems like a great idea!
Choika at January 31, 2012 5:22 PM
I dunno, Choika. I took a year-long "sabbatical" to Afghanistan with the National Guard. I returned to a (now ex) wife who had found a new boyfriend. I was far from the only one in my unit this happened to. A year is a long time, and I don't think such a long break is especially good for most marriages.
MikeInRealLife at February 1, 2012 7:22 AM
Mike, I totally agree with you. I've seen a LOT of marriages crash and burn after a year (shoot, even six months) apart. Besides, isn't marriage choosing to be WITH someone, not saying "oh, hey, you're cute and all, but I'll see you next year!"
Sarah at February 1, 2012 8:07 AM
You can express gratitude by buying or making some little thing to say how much you appreciate your partner or by verbally admiring his or her hotitude and wonderful qualities.
This is very good advice. A few weeks ago, I bought my husband a pair of slippers after he mentioned his feet were cold on the hardwood. He makes a point of watching me get dressed in the morning. The little things matter.
Also, as far as taking a break from each other, I think that might work better when it's a wanted, mutual break. Personally, I like being around my husband. If I wanted that much time alone, I would be single.
MonicaP at February 1, 2012 1:00 PM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/ag-column-archives/2012/01/i-smell-a-rut.html#comment-2949539">comment from MonicaPHe makes a point of watching me get dressed in the morning.
Mmm, sexy!
Amy Alkon at February 1, 2012 1:09 PM
My husband and I take separate vacations. He goes on a hunting trip with the guys and I hit the beach with my girl friends once a year. We also have a individual hobbies. (We also enjoy many hobbies together). The occasional short term separations make our times together more special. The gratitude is definitely key. When you express gratitude on a regular basis (especially in reference to your spouse) you begin to appreciate what you have instead of wondering if something else could be better.
AJ at February 1, 2012 1:21 PM
"He makes a point of watching me get dressed in the morning.
Mmm, sexy!"
I'll say. I had a dancer friend (okay, a bunch of dancing friends, girls skilled at what we call belly dancing) out to dinner one night and the subject of stripping came up. How, I don't know, and if I do know, I'm not telling you.
Anyway, she assumed stripping was sexy to guys. I had to disagree. Watching a girl dressing ("You mean, like to go out for the evening?" she cooed, "Grllk,lmlkack ummm yeah" I replied suavely) is FAR hotter.
Especially if you know you get to peel her like a grape after parading her around town all evening.
Gog_Magog_Carpet_Reclaimers at February 1, 2012 1:35 PM
Happily monogamous for 22 years now, and I can vouch for the appreciation thing. My husband and I never go a day without telling one another "Thanks for X," or "You did a great job with Y," or just "I think you're great." We compliment one another. We say it when we think the other looks particularly good. We verbalize a whole lot of the good stuff, and we do it consistently, every day.
We're also big fans of "please," "thank you," and "I'm sorry," all of which go a long way to greasing the gears of marriage. And along with voicing the good stuff, we try to be gentle about the complaints -- there's a big, big difference between "For God's sake, cut that the hell out!" and "Sweetheart, I'm feeling a little edgy. Could you not do that, please?"
In short, we're really, really nice to each other. And 22 years later, we're still crazy about one another. Gee, go figure.
Dana at February 1, 2012 4:11 PM
What Dana and MonicaP said. My husband and I also keep a list of things we're grateful for, including each other, and keep adding to it. 35 years next month and going strong.
rm at February 1, 2012 4:42 PM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/ag-column-archives/2012/01/i-smell-a-rut.html#comment-2949978">comment from DanaThe appreciation thing is essential. It's the main thing I use texting for...telling Gregg how wonderful he is.
Amy Alkon at February 1, 2012 4:51 PM
ok, so military wife here on her 2nd deployment and after numerous months apart for trainings...
If you already have a STRONG relationship things like being in the military can be great for a marriage. I get to be a newlywed a couple of times a year. Every time I start taking him for granted the army takes him away. When I miss him so much that I cant stand it anymore and he is the only one I think about, then he comes home to me. That first kiss after waiting for 8 months to see him... that is the best feeling in the world.
I know some people freak out about getting married because "this is the last first kiss Ill ever have" or, "Im never going to have sex with anyone else ever again", but I get a first kiss several times a year. I get to have affairs with my own husband.
Military life isnt for everyone, and a lot of marriages cant withstand it... but some it just makes stronger.
Elshiva at February 1, 2012 11:26 PM
@Elshiva - Your husband is a lucky man.
rm at February 2, 2012 6:46 AM
Why thank you very much! I like to think I am the lucky one to get a man like him.
Elshiva at February 3, 2012 1:32 AM
One of the things that didn't work with my ex-fiance was that he didn't understand why someone should show appreciation for everyday things like 'hey - I see you unloaded the dishwasher - thanks'. It's a bit like people who don't write thank you cards and say 'but you should give a gift because you want to, not because of someone thanking you'.
Showing appreciation is incredibly powerful both ways - it says that the nice things you do are noticed and and it makes sure that you a accentuating the positive. When you overtly look out for kind things to say about your spouse, it's amazing what you can find to say.
AntoniaB at February 3, 2012 5:36 AM
I just got dumped by a guy who swore he was ready to settle down (after years of serial monogamy). . . what's his deal? What's anyone's who gets married over and over?
Hard to say what's going on with him. If you knew his relationship history was serial monogamy, then you knew you were taking a chance and it was more likely than not that you'd end up being dumped. If you really liked him and fell for him, then I'm sure you're heartbroken, but at least you gave it a shot.
This is similar to a woman I really fell for a few years ago. Her history was different -- instead of serial monogamy, she told me she had "difficulty getting close to anyone" and had never had a relationship longer than about a year -- but the signal was the same: not a promising prospect for a long-term relationship. I knew that if I continued to see her, the odds were extremely high that I'd be dumped. But there were so many things about her that I liked, that I felt the risk of heartbreak was worth it (and yes, she ended things.)
JD at February 4, 2012 12:35 PM
Interesting, I have a orthodox Jewish friend, who told me that according to Judaism a husband and wife cannot have a relationship while she menstruates, and seven days of cleansing thereafter. No physical touching, kissing, or even sitting on the same object together. - I asked his wife how she handles the indignation. She answered straight: I get to remarry every two weeks! Being off limits half a month makes me yearn to be close to him.
I regret that I couldn't get MY wife to agree to such a routine.
Leo at February 5, 2012 6:35 PM
My husband works out of town a lot (two to three week stretches). When he returns he is grateful of my taking care of the house and yard and I'm grateful that he sacrifices for our financial security (even tho I, too, work). We send love notes on email, texts and phone messages. Sneak cards into his luggage before he leaves and he sends me flowers to work occasionally. Works for us.
S.Lynn at February 5, 2012 6:47 PM
Going on 20 yrs here.
Please, and THANK YOU are fundamental. But keeping the antenna out for when they are appreciated are also important. Take nothing for granted. Did he put his dishes in the dishwasher when it wasn't 'his turn'? Thank you. (That goes for children, also). Intimacy is often thought to be permission allow bluntness. It is not. Bluntness is not equivalent to honest kindness. Your mate is not a punching bag.
Pamela at February 5, 2012 7:30 PM
A priest friend of mine said the problem in many marriages is that they think it should be 50/50. What starts out as sharing becomes an act of keeping score. He said it needs to 100/100, that you want to give your all whenever you can. I got that advice ten years ago and as long as i remind myself of that my marriage just gets better. ...29 years and counting.
Bob B at February 5, 2012 7:58 PM
After 25 years we found TPE.
jenksir at February 5, 2012 9:23 PM
Two photon excitation?
J in Japan at February 5, 2012 9:45 PM
I teach my kids that we should be especially nice to the people we live with, otherwise we'd never want to go home. At school, I have a sign in my classroom that reads "Be Kind - we spend all day with each other, let's make it as pleasant as possible." I don't let any of them get away with being mean or rude to each other, and I do my best not to be mean or rude, either. Some people misinterpret this as thinking that I can never say what I feel or think, but that's not true either. It's possible to express opinions without being unpleasant.
One morning I was grumbling to myself about having to unload the dishwasher, when something clicked and I thought, "Well, at least I didn't have to stand at the sink *washing* the dishes, too," and I was grateful. I remember that moment often.
Joan at February 5, 2012 9:50 PM
What of the woman who feels that everything the man does for her is only "deserved adulation" and shouldn't need to be recognized or appreciated since her presence in the marriage is payment enough?
Al Ways at February 6, 2012 3:31 AM
Leo wrote, "I have a orthodox Jewish friend, who told me that according to Judaism a husband and wife cannot have a relationship while she menstruates, and seven days of cleansing thereafter.... I asked his wife how she handles the indignation. She answered straight: I get to remarry every two weeks! Being off limits half a month makes me yearn to be close to him."
I can relate to this too -- my husband and I are observant Catholics who practice natural family planning. For us that's meant that for much of our marriage, when the signs of fertility are there, we've chosen to abstain from sexual activity in order to avoid pregnancy. So, yeah, we wind up with approximately 2 weeks "off" -- entirely consensually, and pre-determined -- and a little more than 2 weeks "on" -- and those are active days indeed. ;-) YMMV, but for us there is never a time when one person is simply too tired or not interested and so the other person gets frustrated or feels resentful.
Anon at February 6, 2012 6:01 AM
Ummm...I, too was confused by TPE. Are you ready for this?
Urban Dictionary says “TPE refers to a type of relationship: total power exchange. The implication is that the dominant partner has complete control and authority over the submissive in all areas and at all times, even when they're not actively engaged in a scene. Most couples will, however, agree to a set of terms and limits beforehand, which can be renegotiated if it becomes necessary.”
Susan at February 9, 2012 2:54 PM
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