It's not the actual cooking of the meal that's the point, LW. It's the attention and effort put into doing something for your date. Like Amy says, find other ways to do that for him and you'll be fine, provided the guy isn't hellbent on having a girlfriend that cooks. If he is, then better to find that out now.

Also, make sure he's into showing you the same sort of attention and effort. Also also, make sure you're both showing appreciation for what you're each doing.

I'm much more about style and fun and creativity than your bad (or worse—pretentious) attempt at putting together a meal. A former friend of mine used to make a regular dinner—it started off fun and ended up a guaranteed way for his feelings to be hurt and for him to be unappreciated.

As long as you don't pass it off as something it is not--it should be fine. If your SO really wants someone who can cook than you just aren't a good match.

Two dates have had me over for "home cooked" meals -- both were just heated and/or take out. I would have been fine if they had said suggested something like "come over and we'll have take-out and watch a movie."

In one case, we got in a fight that night about something else - something stupid - I don't remember what - and i remember estimating the cost at $15 and probably had two more servings of food - she had helpfully left the containers out on the counter.

We're not all cut out to be Julia Child, but there is something to be said for demonstrating that as a grown woman you are not going to starve to death if the takeout place goes out of business. Like balancing a checkbook, driving a car, or doing your laundry, basic cooking is one of those fundamental life skills that it seems like most people should have a handle on by adulthood. And maintaining the stance that you cannot or will not ever cook can make you appear immature, incompetent, spoiled, or lazy even if the impression is unconscious.

That being said, the level of cooking ability you need to produce a passable meal is pretty low. I am basically like Amy where I don't "cook" in the sense of following recipes, measuring ingredients, or doing anything elaborate but I get by just heating things in the oven or stir-frying on the stove. My go-to meal is chopped up vegetables with olive oil, salt, and pepper put in the oven with chicken or fish and cooked until it looks done. It's the easiest thing in the world and there are enough varieties of fish/meat/vegetables out there that you could eat a variation of this everyday for weeks. Add a salad, loaf of bread, and wine and it totally counts as your homemade dinner. If that still feels like too much pressure then skip the sit-down dinner and make breakfast one morning. Or even just a nice sandwich. It's not about proving that you're a gourmet chef, just that you're competent at making food and willing to put forth the effort occasionally to do so.

Just like everyone else is saying, there are any number of meals that are really easy to make. My wife sometimes makes us pizza, but instead of rolling out the dough, she makes it on Indian naan bread from the supermarket. Yummy, and nothing to it; it's ready to eat when the cheese is melted.

Or you might consider inviting the fellow over to cook something together. That way, if the meal winds up being delicious, you can say you created it together, and if it's inedible, you can both laugh about it and then go out for burgers!

@Old RPM Daddy that sounds DELICIOUS. And easy.

I hate cooking.

A few months ago, my boyfriend and I were hosting a dinner party for two other couples. The plan was for him to leave work early and make one of his curries that he's so good at. But he had a work emergency and couldn't leave, and there was no way in hell I was going to try to take a stab at his curry (which takes 2 hours to make).

So I got 3 plain cheese frozen pizzas. Then I got a bunch of toppings -- fresh veggies, bacon, pineapple, Canadian bacon, mushrooms. I cut them all up and put them in bowls on the counter. Everyone came over and each couple "decorated" a pizza. Popped them in the oven. When the last pizza came out, I stuck some break-and-bake chocolate chip cookies in the already hot oven. Served cookies and milk for dessert.

Super easy. Involved nothing but heating (and some chopping).

I agree with the idea of just being yourself. Tell him you don't cook but set a nice table & have excellent take out places on speed dial. I dated a man for a short period of time that when I told him on our 1st date I don't cook he said he would change that. Not only would I cook for him, but I would enjoy it. Cooking for someone comes from the heart & shows others that you care. For him cooking was essential in a relationship. That was not going to work for me. A few dates later other things came out as well and I was glad that I chose to be myself from the start.

Fortunately for my girlfriend, I'm a raw foodist, so she doesn't have to cook at all, nor scrape stainless steel pots full of spaghetti sauce ;-)

"When you're dating, it seems like you're supposed to cook your partner dinner at a certain point..."

This is strange and I've never heard of such a rule, but if I had, I'd ignore it and just follow the be thoughtful and kind rule.

Ya know, it's funny - I love to cook, and I'm damn good at it (I wonder PirateJo still has that scampi recipe I posted?). It was alawys a thing with me, that when I was dating someone, it would get to the point where I would invite them over for a home-cooked meal. And I usually won the guy over with that, but there were (more than) a couple I wished I hadn't cooked for, because they came to expect it all the time! I like things the way they are now - BF and I cook together a lot of the time, but of neither one of us feels like cooking, no big deal. We'll just heat seomething or get take out. I can live with that.

YOu want a simple solution?

Invite him over, have him cook, you set the table and eat dinner wearing nothing but a kitchen apron

Odds are he wont ever ask you to cook anything, ever

My husband and I cooked dinner together on our second date: Basque-spiced calamari. It was the first of many wonderful meals together, but we love to cook. If you don't, takeout will do but it's also easy to make pasta and a salad or cook up a steak and baked potato (if I'm allowed to name carbs on this site!).

Back in my dating days I had the flipside problem: I'm a good and enthusiastic cook, but a truly appalling housekeeper. Non-housekeeper would be more accurate. My apartment was always so completely trashed that there was never a hope that I could possibly tidy it up in time for a guy to pick me up on Friday night. I just took the view that since I was/am severely housekeeping-challenged, I needed to find a man who wasn't put off by that. My husband enjoys my cooking a great deal, and doesn't have a big problem with mess, though we do get professionally cleaned weekly.

Apparently the guy who first started making out with me while leaning on the pile of clean clothes awaiting folding on the couch was the right guy for me. :-D

Be who you are, although of course you want to be your best self, not your worst self. There's no point pretending to be someone you're not to try to appeal to a guy who won't be interested in the real you. Gentlemen, that applies to you, too.

For a moment, I read that as "Basque-spiced cat."

Oh, I'm much too old-fashioned to jump right to animal sacrifice on the second date.

See Dana- you and I are opposites, I only cook to eat but I'm a phenomenal housekeeper! So I found one that didnt like to clean but was a good cook! Works well for all involved.

"My husband enjoys my cooking a great deal, and doesn't have a big problem with mess, though we do get professionally cleaned weekly."
do you go to a spa or have an escort come in to clean you both? now THAT'S what i call a great relationship!

The cooking thing, while not a definite deal breaker, is certainly an important consideration. Also, it's not only the thought that counts when it comes to food and the prospect of eating a woman's cooking for the rest of your life as a married couple is no small matter.

I'm pretty close to being in love with a woman who is from the South. I'm a yankee. She cooks with love, affection, thought, and effort. Yet, it's that Southern shit that, to me, tastes like garbage.

I have a buddy at work who is from the South and is married to a yankee. He complains that his wife's cooking, while well-meaning and of good quality, just doesn't agree with his Southern sensibilities of the way food should taste.

Sometimes, you can't win.

While I'm not especially prone to get married, if this woman's cooking reflected the same food sensibilities as my first wife, I might just consider marriage more carefully.

Cooking is very important.

but for some guys, a woman who doesn't cook is an automatic dealbreaker.

Who cares? My ex that I lived with for 8 years wasn't a great cook - on her nights she would make the salad or veges then call me in to cook the steak - she was too scared to cook mine on her own. Not that I would have been that fussy, but 5 minutes at the stove when she'd done all the other work was hardly an imposition. I cooked most of the time I guess. Some of our favourite Saturday nights were watching Iron Chef with me busying myself over some complicated recipe in the kitchen and her snuggling on the sofa waiting for it.

I suppose it matters to some guys. I think they're idiots. As a few people have said LW, set a nice table, get some decent takeaway, and don't make excuses for yourself.

Then give him a blowjob. Trust me, that will score you way more points than a home cooked meal.

Cooking is really easy. Like Shannon said, not cooking is limiting and rather foolish, like saying you "don't balance a checkbook" or "don't drive a car". Nobody would ever say those things with pride, but so many people are proud of their lack of cooking.

Internet, people! Allrecipes.com. It takes 25 mins to season a chicken breast, throw it in a casserole dish and bake it. They sell all matters of poultry seasoning and marinades in the seasoning aisle.

Steam some veggies in the microwave (they sell nice microwave steamers), and you have a lovely meal.

It's not hard. Fancy chefs and cooking shows (and the French) try to imtimidate, but you don't have to be Julia Child. And you might, just possibly, enjoy learning to make a few simple meals and having that feeling of accomplishment.

At the heart of cooking for someone else is sharing your time and skill to bring them pleasure. Socially, we have a lot riding on shared meals.

Still, there are other ways to do this. Do you have any other skills you can share? Do you knit or take great photographs? There are lots of creative ways to handle this.

I don't see anything wrong with doing takeout. You could even buy pre-cooked meals at most supermarkets. That way you can get all the great smells of something that came from your kitchen without the work. The supermarket where I live has a great selection. Just let him know you didn't cook it yourself so he doesn't think you're an Iron Chef.

What LS said- about not being intimidated- is important. Just because you can't make a souffle doesn't mean you can't try an easy casserole or something in a slow cooker. My husband is an excellent cook, and he cooks things the way HE likes them, so it's intimidating for me to try to make something I think he'll actually enjoy. Realize, though, that you don't have to make a fourteen-step gourmet meal. The first thing I mastered was chicken pot pie with Bisquick crust. Easy.

whistleDick, eventually you will learn that hamhocks are an important part of most vegetable dishes. (I CAN, however, see not liking fried catfish or meals that are 90% canned. One can only handle so much creamed corn.)

Depends on the casserole.

Cooking is key to ECONOMY and HEALTH.

A partner who can't or won't cook is a bit like a partner with a heroin addiction, financially and/or medically speaking.

Finding a partner who can stay skinny on Mcdonald's is a poor substitute.

The most important cooking skill is how to find rock bottom cheap basic ingredients locally.

Protip: recipes never tell you what's important...you tube, watch video, imitate.

Why do you not classify what you do as real cooking, Amy? I would.

Scoring by health and economy:

I would give you an A for ingredients (and therefore health) an A for economy but drop you to an aggregate B+ score because with just a tad more effort you could make the same ingredients taste sooo much better (say steamed veggies).

For comparison, someone who preps say an exquisite gourmet salad using $25 worth of ingredients might get a similar A for ingredients/health but an F for economy: overall score C.

I'm with TheRealPeter. What you've described, Amy, is cooking. It really is an economic and health issue.

Since my son moved out of my house, I have nobody to cook for and I've become very lazy. I'm spending a fortune eating crappy convenience food and my health is suffering as well. I'm not getting fat because I work out regularly, but my body just doesn't feel like I'm getting the vegetables I need. It affects my mood and everything.

Amy, my level of cooking is on par with yours, and, yes, I would consider that cooking! You're turning whole, raw ingredients into something edible, as opposed to relying on take-out or pre-packaged foods. LW could serve this exact dinner to her boyfriend and it would totally fulfill the requirement as a home-cooked meal. Either she a) doesn't consider this cooking, in which case she's being too hard on herself or b) she's unwilling/unable to even heat foods at this basic level, in which case she should suck it up and learn, for her own sake if not the bf's.

Not really. Steaming vegetables in the microwave takes the same effort as nuking bacon. You can also throw veggies in the oven, tossed with some olive oil, and roast them for the same amount of time as any meat.

The only extra effort might be chopping, but since you can now buy veggies pre-chopped, that's unecessary.

I worry a little sometimes about your diet, Amy. Not the low carb, but the lack of variety. It sounds like you basically live on bacon, steak, green beans, and parsley.

That may provide the necessary nutrients, but it sounds so BORING! There are so many great tastes and textures of food I fear you're not enjoying.

And a well-made casserole, with fresh ingredients, is a delicious thing. Too many people dump canned vegetables and soup in a dish and call it a casserole. That's probably what has given you such a bad impression of them.

Lasagna, for instance, is a casserole. I know it's loaded with carbs too (unless made with LC pasta), but it's so good! I hope you try some ethnic food occassionally. I never hear you mention that. The typical American meat and potatoes (or parsley substitution) diet is pretty dull and bland comparatively.

Oh, I'm glad to hear you eat Indian food, one of my favorites, though I don't eat it much anymore because of the carbs. It's so hard to avoid that delicious bread and curries over rice. MMMmmmmm!

How about Mexican? I love a good Fajita or taco. You can put the filling in a low carb tortilla or even a lettuce leaf.

We just ate at PF Changs the other day. Their lettuce wraps are yummy!

Well, French and Italian are ethnic foods. I've never eaten much French. Fondue, occassionally, but, to me, that's kind of mushy, dipping meat into simmering cheese. Bland.

I think we're all influenced by what we ate growing up - either sticking with it or going to the opposite extremes. My ex's father demanded meat and potatoes. That's all he would ever eat. If they had a vegetable, it came from a can. Talk about mush!

So, my ex went the other extreme and was very adventurous about food, which suited me as well. He was vegetarian, but that didn't stop him from sampling all kinds of different ethnic foods. In fact, that was mostly what he had to eat in NYC in the 70s/80s.

On our first date, he took me to an Indian restaurant, and I thought I'd died and gone to heaven! They use so many more spices than we do.

That's the one thing I can't cook - Indian. Just finding the ingredients and spices is difficult. I have an Indian guest who comes every year, and she whips up these amazing meals. I love to eat it, but I wouldn't attempt cooking it. Authentic Indian is pretty much a speciality.

I want to check, are there really guys out there who care if a woman cooks? I'm pretty skeptical.

Cooking skills isn't on my list of things I'd want in a woman. Nor have I ever heard a guy say anything like 'she's really hot in bed but she can't cook so I'm going to have to split with her'. I have heard the reverse.

I know guys who want her to watch football or like video games ... Can't remember ever seeing cooking skills on a man's list.

I saw whistle dick say it's important and then he seems to say that it wasn't worth breaking up over. No other guys in this column have called it a deal breaker, right? So if there are men who consider a woman's cooking skills important please let me know.

This sounds like one of the things the women wish men cared about.

I'm a woman, but I agree it's probably not a dealbreaker. The guys would have to weigh in, but I would imagine it's more of a nice feature, such as watching sports, or being outdoorsy. Something that would be part of a combination of traits that make her attractive. A guy certainly isn't going to dump a hot woman just because she can't cook.

But what happens if neither of you cook? I agree with the poster above who said it can be an economic issue. My husband and I go out a couple of times a week, and it's still usually, with tip, $50 or more if we have a drink or two.

I think it would be very tough on the budget to eat out all the time. Somebody would have to learn to cook or at least reheat. So, I could see a woman's refusal to cook might become an issue over time. If a guy's working all day, and he doesn't particularly like cooking either, but he still must come home and make dinner all the time, it could create resentment.

But Gregg apparently likes to cook, which is fortunate. And I think while most guys would like a woman to be into sports, they don't really expect it.

My husband understands I know very little about football, but I make the effort. I watch the big games with him now, and I try to learn. I've actually begun to enjoy it sometimes, but he understands if I bail before halftime and go do something else.

Reciprocally, he watches many of the silly TV shows that I enjoy, like "The Bachelor". In fact, that was one of the first things that impressed me about him. Even when we weren't living together, he'd attempt to watch whatever I was watching from his house, so he at least knew what was going on and could share the laughs with me. That's when I knew he must REALLY care about me! lol

Many people who cook don't want anyone else cooking. They're possessive of the kitchen and would rather novices stay out, not get things disorganized, etc. But others would welcome participation, so it all depends on what makes your partner happy.

If a woman senses that making a home-cooked meal for her guy would really please him, then it can be done, even with very little cooking experience. The effort probably means more than the meal itself.

But I don't think there's a timeline for that, certainly not during the dating phase. LW doesn't need to feel pressure to cook for guys she casually dates.

I rather like her approach. She's being completely open and honest about her cooking skills. She sets a nice table and sends out. I think that's an excellent way of sending the message that she's not the one he's looking for if he wants someone chained to the oven, and turning out culinary delights like Boston Market.

"...and that I find the music he finds soothing suicide-inducing."

So I looked these up. Strangely, they sound as I imagine when you describe not being able to concentrate/focus! No wonder you don't like them.

You might find common ground with Ego Likeness. Aside from their "normal" stuff like Aviary - which I adore for sounding as if Wednesday Addams produced it, they also do some, uhh, unconventional stuff, one of which can be seen on this page as The Trinity Project. Those are free downloads.

Thom: I want to check, are there really guys out there who care if a woman cooks? I'm pretty skeptical. . . . I know guys who want her to watch football or like video games ... Can't remember ever seeing cooking skills on a man's list.

LS: I'm a woman, but I agree it's probably not a dealbreaker. The guys would have to weigh in, but I would imagine it's more of a nice feature, such as watching sports, or being outdoorsy. Something that would be part of a combination of traits that make her attractive. A guy certainly isn't going to dump a hot woman just because she can't cook.

I'd bet that guys who really care if a woman cooks are quite rare but I doubt they're mythological creatures. It's not important to me if a woman cooks but it's nice if she does.

LS, I'm probably one of the few guys out there who finds it a plus if a woman isn't into watching sports (and numerous women I've been with have been thrilled that I'm not into watching sports.) Now a woman who's not into going out and seeing live music, or isn't outdoorsy at all...those would be dealbreakers.

My favorite ethic food was initially Mexican. That was replaced, in the early '80s, by Thai which was, in turn, edged out by Indian about fifteen years ago. Indian has remained my favorite.

Amy, I'm with you on not liking casseroles. It may be true, as LS said, that "a well-made casserole, with fresh ingredients, is a delicious thing" but I associate them with goopy concoctions called "hot dishes" I had when growing up in Minnesota. I never thought of lasagna as a casserole but you're right LS, it is. I like it, although it's far from my favorite Italian item. On my trips to France, I've always meant to try cassoulet, but never did. Eventually, I'm going to visit southwestern France (all previous trips have been to Paris & Provence) and, when I do, I'll try it there.

Baby, I Need Your Oven

P.S. another great title (and a great song it references.)

Who cooks in a relationship is less important than both parties liking to eat more or less the same thing, I think.

Mama studied food science in college and Daddy fancies himself a French gourmet, but neither thinks the other can cook. Each has a point, in a way -- neither one of the parental units is a really good cook -- but the issue really boils down to the fact that they have vastly different ideas of what tastes good.

Now, Mom and Dad are still together after all these years, so even liking to eat the same food as your spouse isn't crucial. But it sure would have saved a lot of family arguments and stored-up feelings of resentment if they had been able to agree more often on what's for dinner.

Probably the only thing worse than having each spouse think that the other has no palate is when each spouse thinks the other is a food crank. While I would date a bland, carb-loading vegetarian, I'm glad I married a meat-eater who likes his veggies and isn't afraid of the spice rack. Each of us thinks the other is a good cook pretty much because we like to eat the same things, and we cook what we like.