I'd always suspected I was ADHD, but was never diagnosed or treated until this year (I'm 48). My family used to joke about having conversations with me where I would take a "left turn at Albuquerque", and tangent into something totally different, then bounce back to the original subject as if nothing had happened. My daughters do the same thing, Get the 3 of us together and it's like we're speaking in shorthand, we totally understand each other, and lose anyone not used to our leapfrog mental gymnastics.

My husband has known me long enough to make sure I'm paying attention if he has something important to tell me, and has even gone so far as to text me from across the living room so that I'll have what I need in writing if it is super important.

My randomness has it's perks, too. I'm very good at problem solving, because I tend to see relationships before others who follow linear paths and come up with solutions. My short-term memory may be faulty, but once I know something, I never forget it, and I can make connections rapidly that other people just don't see.

Ok, had a chat with the hubby about this, and his take is "What a judgemental jerk. There is nothing stopping him from calling or texting her an hour before they have to be somewhere to say "Hey, looking forward to dinner at "abc's" tonight, can't wait to see you at 6:30, love you bunches." Only use this when time is a factor, and not when they aren't on the clock.

Looking back to when we were dating this is exactly how he handled it, and we never had any stress. I never even noticed it.

My husband is my best friend, my team-mate, the person I can count on to help me when I need it. He know's I have this issue, and doesn't give me shit for it because he knows I do the best I can with what I've got. I do the same for him with his little quirks that might drive another woman crazy. That's what people do in a solid relationship. If you decide you can't take her as she is, do her a favor and tell her so.

I find my mind is all over the place all the time, but somehow I manage to focus, when I really want to. Sometimes my mind wanders during a conversation, but I will apologize once I notice. I guess most that have known me a long time are just used to my random jumping around about things.

I can relate to both sides here because my boyfriend and I both have ADHD, but his is much more severe than mine. IE if I'm running 10 minutes late, he's running an hour late. And he was incredibly messy and disorganized, whereas I'm actually pretty organized and neat. When I first moved in with him, the constant lateness, messiness, and chaos drove me absolutely crazy.

What helped me was realizing that although my BF was basically incapable of taking the initiative to get himself organized, he was pretty good about following organization systems once I implemented them. I also shared with him some of the time management strategies that I use myself to help get places on time, which has always been a struggle for me. Many of these systems and strategies were ones that I remembered my parents using with my sister, who had severe ADHD as a kid. They're all relatively simple and may seem glaringly obvious to someone without severe ADHD (like buying a notepad instead of writing on napkins, receipts, and random slips of paper), but they've made a big difference.

Ironically, living with someone who takes some of my worst habits to the next level has made me more aware of my own behaviors and how they impact other people; so it's made a positive difference in my own habits too.

I was diagnosed with ADD without hyperactivity when I was a teen, but I'm not sure its true. I took Ritalin when I was in school to be able to sit through the lectures.

I am very punctual though.

I'll cop to being a bit dreamy. If I'm on the phone with you, yeah, I'm probably playing tetris or doodling. Long phone conversations are annoying. I don't blame the GF for spacing out.

Have shorter phone convos and see each other in person.

Ok, had a chat with the hubby about this, and his take is "What a judgemental jerk. There is nothing stopping him from calling or texting her an hour before they have to be somewhere to say "Hey, looking forward to dinner at "abc's" tonight, can't wait to see you at 6:30, love you bunches."

Oh, I'm not sure I see LW as a jerk. I do see him as frustrated and confused, not really knowing what ADHD does to people who have to live with it. I interpret his letter as a request for real firsthand advice. It appears he came to the right place.

Can I bother anyone diagnosed as an adult how they went about finding out? I have two younger siblings with ADHD, but one was diagnosed during testing for a cognitive impairment and the other due to problems in school, which I never had (I'd forget to do about 85% of my homework, but had high enough test grades to make up for it).

Now that I'm all grown up and stuff though, and the more I learn about it, the more I wonder whether I'm not actually just scatter brained and lazy. It's kind of like being in the middle of a really loud storm and trying to focus on something in the distance. I actually ended up in debt not because I lacked money... but I'd just forget about paying the bill and by the time I remembered (only to forget again) I was too far buried to catch up. At work, I zone out even in short conversations without realizing it and I'm sure my boss thinks I'm a dolt when I have to go back and clarify 900 times a day what he just said, or can't remember an order I JUST worked on.

I worry about not remembering my sons childhood because my own life seems so foggy.

There are psychological tests that can help to diagnose ADHD. They should be given and interpreted by someone who is trained in such things, perhaps a neuropsychologist or neurologist. ADHD or ADD medications of course must be prescribed by a medical doctor. Just tending to daydream or lose one's train of thought does not indicate ADHD. Also, some people are more prone to zoning out when something they have no interest in is being discussed.

I'm not a doctor, but I have known people with ADHD. Just my 2 cents.

You need to accept that she isn't a regular-brained person, and she needs to avoid acting like she probably does in the world of the regular-brained -- by hiding it when her attention wanders off.

This, especially, is very good advice. I lived with someone for 8 years with a mental disorder (not ADHD, but similarly debilitating and with similar impact on life) and what is hardest for them is admitting when their brain isn't working properly. Years of hiding it will do that to you. Think of how shameful it feels from her point of view. But, and this is a very tricky point, that doesn't mean give in either. You need to tell her when she's getting into bad thought patterns too, and she needs to trust you enough to accept that as help rather than criticism.

I never quite got to that point with my ex. Her best friend of 20 years can do it, but I couldn't quite work out when to say "stop it" and when to let her go.

Still, when she forgets about me or is totally unready (as in, unshowered and wearing a towel) when I come to pick her up

If you really want to know how to deal with this one - turn up an hour early (I'm assuming you're on good enough terms to lounge on her couch and watch TV while you wait) and gently but firmly move her along to getting ready. Jingling keys, judiciously applied, is ok. Texting or calling beforehand - nope, can't see that working if her problem is at all serious.

I can see why the LW is frustrated, and I'm glad he reached out to someone who is quite qualified to offer advice!

A friend of mine has ADHD, and, whenever I talk to her, I feel like a countdown in her head is ticking the second I open my mouth. Like, if I'm not quick enough in saying what I need to say, her brain cuts me off and tunes me out. I admit, it's frustrating, and I feel like I need to cut everything I say into soundbites.

Sometimes it's hard to remember that it's NOT her fault. I get that she has ADHD, I get that she's trying. But I also get what the LW is saying.

I always remind myself, though, that, as much as it sucks for me, it sucks more for her. And the fact that we can joke about it definitely helps. "Do I have your divided attention?" I think I'll use that.

Can I bother anyone diagnosed as an adult how they went about finding out?

I was diagnosed about a year ago, when I went to a psychiatrist for an antidepressant. She prescribed Wellbutrin, and it worked really well. I also found that it helped me focus. Lack of focus is a symptom of depression, but the Wellbutrin helped even after I was no longer depressed.

She asked me some questions about my childhood, and I told her that focusing had always been a problem. Like, I would do my math homework, then forget the homework at home. All the time. I got slammed a lot for being lazy, stupid and airheaded, but I couldn't seem to make people understand that I just couldn't focus, no matter how much I really wanted to. I probably would have had a much easier time as a kid if I'd been diagnosed then.

Still, when she forgets about me or is totally unready (as in, unshowered and wearing a towel) when I come to pick her up, I can't help but feel like not quite a priority to her.

He's been dating her for 8 months and he still hasn't gotten the fact that it's not about him, she has an actual medical disorder that makes her behave this way. If he hasn't talked about strategies to deal with her disfunction, or gone to the University of Google to try and understand what she is going thru, and instead plays the victim card, "boo, I'm not her priority!", then yes, he's being a bit of a jerk.

Ok, so now he's asking for help, part of which is that he needs to understand that he hasn't been exactly fair with his lady, and he needs to change the way he's reacting in order to make any progress. We can't always control what's going on around us, but we can control how we react, which in turn will help us control the outcome.

Oh, and laughing about it helps a ton, the "divided attention" bit is awesome, my hubby cracks me up by throwing random krep into the convo to see if I'm paying attention and laughs when I take it in stride as if clown shoes for the dogs totally belongs on the grocery list.

If you really want to know how to deal with this one - turn up an hour early (I'm assuming you're on good enough terms to lounge on her couch and watch TV while you wait) and gently but firmly move her along to getting ready. Jingling keys, judiciously applied, is ok.
Sorry LTW, this would have driven me batshit. He's her boyfriend, not her babysitter. And Nagging is never appropriate when a simple reminder will do the trick. She isn't incapable of taking care of herself, she obviously has a job and a life that didn't start when she met this guy, and to assume that he needs to ride herd on her this closely is insulting.

Yeah, I don't have ADHD, and if my husband follows me arround trying to rush me out the door, he's going to start a fight. I'll show him where he can shove those keys...

Sorry LTW, this would have driven me batshit.

Agreed. And he risks some passive aggressive backlash where she takes even longer just because she's pissed.

I don't think I'm ADHD, but I was a daydreamer as a kid, and I finally came up with some coping methods.

For example, all my bills go in 1 place to make it harder to lose them. This place also doesn't have much else besides bills in it.

I only put my keys in a few places. If I need to bring something with me, I leave that something on or next to my purse or put a note on my purse to remind myself.

I found that doodling or drawing while I'm listening helps me relax and focus on what is being said.

I hope some of these things are helpful to other people.

@Kristina: Yes, those are helpful things and I do them as well. But the problem with ADD or ADHD is that I want to study, but I also want to get up and do laundry, vacuum, play with the dog, look at porn, eat something, exercise, take a shower and take a nap. All at the same time.

And usually what happens is I end up for a couple of hours or so on YouTube or Wikipedia, and then wonder where my day has gone to.

I found that doodling or drawing while I'm listening helps me relax and focus on what is being said.

I have to do that, too. It also took me years to realize I needed background noise to facilitate studying. Lately, I've been experimenting with total silence while reading and find my mind wanders even more than usual, so it's back to music just high enough where I can't focus on the lyrics. Having melody and rhythm occupying the right side of my brain lets the left side do its thing better.

I've never been officially diagnosed with anything, though my former psychologist suspected I have ADD from our sessions together. Like Monica, I also took Wellbutrin for a little while and it helped me to realize what it felt like when I was more focused (and not depressed) so I could take behavioral steps to replicate it.

Tonight at work, I was talking to a coworker, and after I realized I had jumped about four subjects over from where we started in about four minutes, I said "Well, I've never been accused of linear thought." I was an adolescent before I realized not everyone took the circuitous path I do. Luckily, when I'm writing, I can organize my thoughts better than when I'm speaking extemporaneously.

I'll clarify a bit. The key jingle was effectively a code my gf and I both recognised as "you're drifting, concentrate on what you're meant to be doing". It didn't mean I was frustrated or pissed off, just that she needed to stop and think about whether it really mattered whether she couldn't find the perfect ribbon (the one she bought two years ago) for a present when she hadn't showered or done her makeup yet. It also meant I didn't have to verbalise it which was less embarrassing for her. Other people's solutions may vary.

I'm not suggesting he follow her round and nag her. But it's obviously a problem if she's consistently not ready. I'm simply suggesting he offer to help her with it, and make the time to get there early and help her keep focus when it really matters. Clearly they need to discuss how to do that without making her feel like shit.

Kat, my gf was fine for day to day going to work etc, but fell completely to pieces for weddings, birthdays, packing for flights, even dinner for two out in a classy restaurant, anything out of the ordinary. She wouldn't even see her family unless I could go (and organise everything, tell her when to be ready, and so on). It was hardly insulting for me to make the time to help her with something that she was having trouble with.

I have been, for other reasons, not much different sometimes. People have been known to turn up early to chase me out of bed and make sure I'm ready too. I didn't find that insulting either, I was grateful.

Yeah, I don't have ADHD, and if my husband follows me arround trying to rush me out the door, he's going to start a fight. I'll show him where he can shove those keys...

I'm guessing, ahw, that you don't decide it's a good idea to trim the stems of a bunch of flowers 10 minutes before it's time to leave. And then try out 5 different arrangements, and change your mind about the right colour cellophane. So your husband probably doesn't have much to complain about.

Of course, I loved her to death, and she had plenty to put up with in me as well. But you don't help someone with a serious mental disorder by not helping them fight it.

Amy,

Interesting on someone thinking chalk dust causes ADHD. People will pull any excuse they feel must be true dont they? Except maybe it's your genes and why is that so hard to accept? Can someone explain? It's the same thing with autism and vaccines.

Speaking of autism there is an interesting link between ADHD and autism. I tried to explain to a friend that those types of conditions are on a spectrum and they are actually quite beneficial if you do not have too much of the negative symptoms.

One thing ADHD people can do is hyper focus. It's fascinating to watch. Damn my ass needs to become a neurologist already.

P.S. Autistics hyper focus too but differently than ADHD.

They seem linked, almost like cousins.

I was diagnosed as an adult. I did wonderfully in school, was always organized enough (everything stayed in my backpack pretty much), and would have been the least likely to be considered as having ADD back then...

I'm almost always on hyperfocus - especially when reading fiction (which is great for improving test scores).

Fortunately, I tend toward academic, so I found most of school interesting and would hyperfocus. This DID lead to massive boredom as most content is repeated 2.8 billion times. However, I remembered it and did well as a student, so nobody seemed to notice/mind if I was mentally somewhere else - so long as I was facing the right direction.

Now that I've got two kids, well, lets just say that I'm happy if everyone is fed, clothed, and healthy... never mind that when I go to heat something for dinner I find something I heated for lunch (and forgot about) in the microwave.

Now that I'm constantly having to switch my focus (little kids need something every 2.5 minutes!), I can't get into a hyperfocus groove and life has gotten a LOT more challenging. There are times when I get into hyperfocus and I literally do not hear things.

Oh, regarding noise for focus...

I learned long ago that if I had homework to do, it was best done stretched across the floor with instrumental music on. I could have music with vocals as long as it started with something I didn't know well enough to sing to. However, I'd often end up signing along with songs later one - completely unaware that I was doing so until somebody turned the music off suddenly.

Constant-level background noise is VERY helpful because then the odd noise (airplane, loud truck, car door) doesn't interrupt my train of thought.

Can you tell I'm going in 20 directions...

The high prevalence of ADD (and the fact that it's likely quite a bit higher than reported) suggests to me that it might not be a disorder as much as a different method of functioning - like being left handed. It can suck being in a right handed world, but it's not something WRONG with you (just buy the correct scissors).

I imagine that when, say, running from a wild beast, the individual who could also process that "hey, that stick is really pointy and I bet that vine is really strong" would have more opportunities to survive than the one who was simply focused on running.

Just a thought.

"The high prevalence of ADD (and the fact that it's likely quite a bit higher than reported) suggests to me that it might not be a disorder as much as a different method of functioning "

This is true of autism too, a "little autism" is actually quite beneficial if you plan on going into sciences, law, medicine etc.

The problem is when there is too much of ADHD or autism. Fortunately for ADHD people there is medication.

I find that jazz (without vocals) can be great to have on when I'm trying to focus. No words to get distracted by, and a lot of jazz has something kind of complicated about it that seems to help.

I like middle eastern dance music, the drums and flutes are pretty, and the vocals are in a language I don't speak so they don't distract me. I also listen to bagpipes. I have a very eclectic musical taste.

Oh, and a group called Adiemus
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zXpulL9ZXGU
they are amazing.

We all have managed to cobble together coping mechanisms, and our loved ones and friends being understanding helps tons with getting through life without drama.

What the LW needs to do is sit down with his GF, and work out what he can do to make things less stressful for her, because when she's not stressed, she won't be as forgetful, which will in turn make *him* less stressed, and things will get better from there. Yep, it's going to take some work, but what in life that's worth having doesn't?

Boyfriend, if you cannot rejoice when your freshly showered lover answers the door wearing only a towel, perhaps your challenge is to cultivate spontaneity, and embrace improvisation (and your lover).

Life presents problems. This is a good problem to have.

I have ADD-have been on every medication for it-and over the years, I have developed coping mechanisms. I was diagnosed in early childhood, and even though I was in the special ed class, I was never made to feel that way. My mainstream classmates saw me as normal, and treated me as such. Most people would drop out of college, and I made it through college, made the Dean's List on several occassions, and even earned my degree back in 2007, all while battling another unknown learning disability called dyscalculia (sort of like dyslexia, but math related, and yes, this does exist).
I had a student in one of my knitting classes who also had ADD, and I told the student that I have what she has. The child seemed very shy, and I felt that maybe if I told her that I have what she has, that might make her feel more comfortable. The girl was very focused-even when she took her meds-very engaged in the lesson, and even asked questions. I had let her make her mistakes.
Another student I had, may have had it, because while I was explaining what they were supposed to do, two seconds later she kept asking what she was supposed to do, where are the needles supposed to go. I actually had to use her needles, and demonstrate what she was supposed to do. This had gone on for the entire session. The childs mother had lodged a complaint against me saying that I was doing the knitting for the child, therefore she shouldn't knit. Well, the mother was the exact same way! Oh, and the mother and child both walked in with a beginner, expecting an expert by the end of the class.
I'm convinced both mother and child both had ADD. But, I'm no medical expert, I'm just a person who has ADD.

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