Apocalypse Meow
For years, a group of us girls has gone camping, to dinner, to concerts, etc. Our husbands do their own thing together while we hang out. When they bring a new guy into their circle, they seem to think we should automatically accept his female partner. We normally do because we're nice like that. The problem is, there's a gal who invites herself to everything she catches wind of from her husband. She consistently creates incredible upheaval, agitation and hurt feelings with her callous remarks and abrasive personality. Triple that when she drinks. Her bad chi is ruining the nurturing dynamic of our loving and supportive group. Help soon, as she's trying to get in on a camping trip. We'd be stuck with her for five negativity-filled days.
--The Women
Imagine if Hillary Clinton, as secretary of state, communicated like so many other women tend to. Forget the direct approach. She'd roll her eyes behind some prime minister's back, burn sage after he leaves, and make the Joint Chiefs hold hands and chant, "Shine white light on our borders and restore our protective womb of national security!"
Men and women approach conflict in very different ways. Men have an easier time being direct because they evolved to be the competitors of the species and see trying to top one another as a normal part of life. If the guys were bugged by a guy in their group, one of them would probably just blurt out, "You're being a dick. Be less of a dick."
Women, on the other hand, evolved to be the cooperators, nurturers, and empathizers of the species, prizing group bondedness and keeping the peace. This sounds so much nicer than how the menfolk do things but actually leads to ugly indirect aggression like dirty looks, spiteful gossip, and shunning. Though it's best not to go around breaking one another's noses over who has the cutest shoes, women often end up festering with nastiness, while guys can sometimes sock each other and then go off and have a beer.
Assuming you lack the "Bewitched" skill set -- the power to twitch your nose and transform or relocate people and objects -- wishing things were different is merely a way to kill time while in line at the supermarket. One of you needs to take this woman aside, gently explain the group culture, and give her a couple examples of things she's said that don't quite mesh with it. She also needs to be told that it's kind of a problem when she gets likkered up. The direct approach is tough in the moment but ultimately less hurtful than the silent one, and it gives her a chance to mend her ways. If she keeps on harshing, it should be no surprise to her when she's invited not to come, having been given fair warning that your group is more "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Chi" than "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pabst."
The men I know gossip like middle schoolers.
On another note, yes they should tell her she's being abrasive, but no, they don't need to include her in every activity.
NicoleK at October 16, 2012 11:34 PM
Nasty women that everyone hates are usually too oblivious to know that people hate them for a reason. They usually think they are being unjustly persecuted because they are too nice, good, honest etc. Nobody ever straight up tells them because dealing with women directly is a big no no.
I had someone verbally abuse me, I gave them the benefit of the doubt 5 times. I'm easy going and relaxed and calmly asked them to apologize....but the 5th time I tore that ass apart. I will get REALLY nasty in front of people if you are annoying others and being a dick. I got privately thanked afterwards by a number of people. I got a lot of secret thank yous.
Again I'm easy going and well liked and get along great in groups but like Cesar Milan says there are rules...boundaries and limitations. You are not special learn boundaries.
Purple pen at October 17, 2012 12:03 AM
What's "chi?"
Old RPM Daddy at October 17, 2012 5:35 AM
Oh gawd, we had one of these bull-in-a-china-shop types try to horn in on our cycling club.
You'd think anyone with an ounce of respect for other people's boundaries would get it when they aren't invited to something. Who, with even an ounce of common sense, invites themselves, based on a conversation they overheard someone else having? The result was that people started going way out of their way to keep her from finding out about things, knowing that if the information leaked, she'd show up uninvited.
The entire group ended up having to perform an exorcism - things finally got to the point, believe it or not, when she had to be told straight-up to get lost. Amazing that it ever had to get to that point.
Pirate Jo at October 17, 2012 6:51 AM
Amy may agree with me that one of the gifts of ADD is "verbal impulsivity" -- the willingness to say just about anything to just about anyone. I'm not generally a rude person, but if the time comes to speak my mind, I have no trouble doing so. Indeed, I have trouble holding back.
Dana at October 17, 2012 10:48 AM
"Chi" is used as much as "Qi" is (pronounced the same). Eastern culture and medicine defines it as a life/energy force. Negative boo-birds who add too much of their downer personality to an environment is said to affect those accordingly (and those around them).
In American culture, this term is most notably used by the hippy-dippy-trippy segment of society who claim whale calls and wind chimes as musical instruments, or by trophy yacht-club wives who practice yoga and drink green juice, registering their nationality on Planet-Something-Other-Than Earth.
Ian at October 17, 2012 11:15 AM
Recently, one of my women's groups died. A woman who had recently joined called to express her indignation at the fact it had died so soon after she joined! I told her point blank she was a large part of the reason and why. She was shocked and angry but called me later to ask if she called the others and apologized, would they start meeting again? Told her it was worth a try. Half the group agreed to start meeting again. The other half had already started meeting again without the first half and refused to accept an apology. Oddly, the group is actually better now because she's behaving and losing the passive-aggressiveness of the grudge holders has made the group much happier and lighter. We've all decided that we will now be upfront as soon as problems arise in the group - any problem. I'm going to give them the "You're a dick; be less of a dick" line to use. ;) Rare instance that someone recognizes and tries to fix their behavior but it makes it worth speaking up for the times it does work.
Julp at October 17, 2012 12:53 PM
Julp,
That's awesome. In my group, the Stage Five Stalker/Clinger had a raging case of narcissistic personality disorder. People did attempt to correct her behavior when she acted like an ass, but she just got argumentative and defensive - sometimes outrageously so.
Pirate Jo at October 17, 2012 1:23 PM
"Her bad chi is ruining the nurturing dynamic of our loving and supportive group."
She might be a complete cow—but I think I would hate being a member of your chi-club, myself.
David at October 17, 2012 3:38 PM
Lately it seems people are getting angry at me for everything from slurping my chai tea in my tai chi class or farting resonantly on the church pew and then pointing at the deaf lady next to me.
I just don't understand why I keep getting un-invited to group events. Weird how sensitive everyone is these days.
Gog_Magog_Carpet_Reclaimers at October 17, 2012 9:09 PM
I definitely think the moral thing to do is give her the opportunity to change. If you don't do that, then really you were being catty and relishing gossip about how awful she is. You weren't trying to fix anything. Also, a hard but honest talk might seriously improve her life.
My group has one of these, brought in by a single guy friend. She's insufferably rude and self-centered. She sneers and scoffs at others. She interrupts. She brags about herself and tells stories we know aren't true. I want to get her to relax and be friendly.
I will be giving her the talk myself, despite knowing it could go bad for me if she goes running to her boyfriend. Risk of her calling us jealous is high, even though I'm actually trying to salvage her.
Insufficient Poison at October 18, 2012 7:17 AM
All of my friends and I have a strict "no assholes" rule in everything we do. If one of us is being a dick, we call each other out immediatly. Not once, have we ever lost a friend because of it. (Anyone we have lost isn't someone we'd call a "friend" to begin with). There is, of course, the occasional disagreement but because of our always direct approach with each other, hurt feelings tend to last about ten minutes. I really don't see why it has to be so damn complicated. Maybe I'm just wired like a man...
Sabrina at October 18, 2012 9:04 AM
Pirate Jo:
Yeah, we are lucky it worked out. The other group is starting to have issues because now they are scrutinizing each other too much. Possibly because of David's good point, there are people who forms groups that start to seem like part of the Stepford Wives. I like the variety of different personalities but you do have to adapt and make allowances for them - just as they do for me!
Julp at October 18, 2012 9:27 AM
Julp, I had something similar happen to me, but in my case, half the group deliberately quit and dissolved our group, then went behind the backs of the people they didn't like and started back up again.
One of the people they "re-invited" was a dear friend of mine, and he read them the riot act for being so sneaky.
Seriously, if they had just said "We are not comfortable with you, your boyfriend, your bff and the rest of *your* side of the group I wouldn't have been half as pissed. I just hate being lied to.
Kat at October 21, 2012 2:47 PM
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