Hot To Tot
Is there a way to make sure someone is on birth control? My girlfriend says she is, but I don't believe her. I know she really wants to have a baby. I'm not ready to be a father yet -- or maybe ever -- so I need to get to the bottom of this.
--Worried
You're perhaps more of an adoption man -- into adopting the sort of little rascal you can leave tied to a parking meter during brunch without anybody calling social services on you. Unfortunately, a man has limited control over whether a woman he's with gets a bun in the oven with his DNA baked into it -- that is, unless he gets snipped or padlocks his zipper and chucks the key in the ocean. Of course, the single worst form of birth control is trusting that a woman -- especially a woman longing for a baby -- is actually taking or using hers. A mitigating factor is whether she's shown herself to be ethical. Consider whether that describes your girlfriend. If not, you might want to make that a requirement for any partner of yours -- before you find yourself reading "The Very Hungry Caterpillar" aloud for the 300th time in a week, as it's the only way to keep your toddler from screaming like a goat being slaughtered.
"Is there a way to make sure someone is on birth control?"
Yes. You put your penis in her and, if it makes her pregnant, you'll have your answer.
whistleDick at September 9, 2014 4:17 PM
i dislike the fact that this site seems to promote the idea that women are, in general, liars. can you prove your girlfriend is taking her birth control? no. even if she gets pregnant, you can't prove she wasn't - it fails sometimes. but if you have no other reason to distrust her, then you're just being a douche if you don't just because you don't want a kid and you know she does. that said - he/she who does not want the child ought to be responsible for the birth control, even if that means both of you use it. put on the condom.
me at September 9, 2014 5:08 PM
"i dislike the fact that this site seems to promote the idea that women are, in general, liars."
Dislike all you want, but here it is: if you start with the assumption that they are no more or less liars than men, guess what happens if the choice is to be dumped or supported? Why, you will hear, "Yes, you're the father!"
It's just not practical to believe that a woman will choose ethics and be alone.
How many laws are there that go after a man who has been named as a father for child-support collection purposes? Amy also has the number on here somewhere about how many kids aren't really the husband's. Those ought to be a "wow" for you.
Radwaste at September 9, 2014 6:21 PM
If you can't trust her don't sleep with her.
Seriously; do I really have to point that out?????
(Sheesh)
Kate O'Brien at September 9, 2014 6:43 PM
i dislike the fact that this site seems to promote the idea that women are, in general, liars.
Maybe women are, in general, liars, but here's what Nick Lowe has to say about men...
JD at September 9, 2014 6:44 PM
P.S. what Kate said.
JD at September 9, 2014 6:48 PM
Until my life ends I will always side eye any woman that "accidentally" got pregnant and any man that got "tricked" into it.
Ppen at September 9, 2014 7:09 PM
"If you can't trust her don't sleep with her.
Seriously; do I really have to point that out?????
(Sheesh)"
This was the point I was trying to make.
whistleDick at September 9, 2014 8:20 PM
A friend pointed out to me once, that "men are scumbags, and women are treacherous." And yeah, that about sums it up. But it's the negativity that bothers me. If you're not going to trust the one you're with, go be with someone you DO trust. People need to stop thinking with their little heads.
Flynne at September 10, 2014 5:02 AM
She wants to be a mother. He's not sure he wants to be a father, but, based on the letter, he's perfectly happy to sleep with her anyway, so long as she's using her birth control. Without evidence to support it, I'm not even going to approach a "treacherous woman" scenario. The LW knows what situation he's in. That being the case, I have just two questions:
- Why is he still with her, knowing he's likely to disappoint her?
- Why is she still with him, knowing they have different goals?
Old RPM Daddy (OldRPMDaddy at GMail dot com) at September 10, 2014 5:17 AM
Simple solution: wear a fucking condom or keep it in your pants. You had to write an advice columnist for this?
Kendra at September 10, 2014 6:48 AM
Testosterone plus baby rabies. Volatile when mixed. Can cause the sufferer(s) to suspend reality. Use with extreme caution, and only with all appropriate safety equipment.
bkmale at September 10, 2014 7:24 AM
Having sex with someone you don't trust and who doesn't respect you (anyone who would get pregnant against your wishes doesn't respect you. And doesn't like you very much) seems weird to me. But if you're really into that sort of thing, condoms are almost 100% effective if used properly. And as Dan Savage points out, oral and anal are 100% effective!
Also, have Plan B on hand for condom failures. I know the "I got knocked up accidentally' sounds suspicious, but I have had more than one condom failure. It happens, and if I'd been the "denial + hope" type, I could have been that girl.
Or, dole her pill out to her every morning and watch to make sure she swallows it, like medicating a cat. Because that sounds like a fun way to run a relationship.
Anathema at September 10, 2014 7:30 AM
Norplant - a shot once every 6 months, go with her and watch the needle go in. Condoms and plan B. Yes lots of women get knocked up on purpose figuring the guy will come around. And the guy gets stuck paying support for 18 yrs.
zapf at September 10, 2014 8:05 AM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/ag-column-archives/2014/09/hot-to-tot.html#comment-5057494">comment from KendraSimple solution: wear a fucking condom or keep it in your pants. You had to write an advice columnist for this?
Apparently, because so many people think these are brilliant solutions. Condoms have, last I checked, an 18 percent failure rate. That's higher if you are with a woman who messes with the condom, which, yes, happens. "Keep it in your pants" is just fucking ridiculous advice, because we have an enormously strong sex drive. People in relationships have sex. People who have made "abstinence" pledges are the ones likely to have sex without birth control.
I just wrote a follow-up column to this one, going into detail on the issues here and some not brought up here (because it was my short question).
The answer, yes, is that you only have sex with someone you know to be ethical.
Amy Alkon at September 10, 2014 8:08 AM
What can you do?
Push for a male bc pill. This is the main and common situation it would be used in.
Starting to use a condom, after a while of not using one, will cause a major fight.
Women are human, humans lie at times, especially to get what they want. Ethics isn't an all or nothing thing, the same with trust.
For all those who say don't sleep with someone you don't trust.
Do you hand over all your accounts and passwords to those you sleep with? Why not? Don't you trust them?
The short answer is trust isn't an all or nothing thing especially if extra temptation/desire (baby rabies) kicks in.
Joe j at September 10, 2014 8:37 AM
Yea condoms have a fail rate but so does having sex with someone you don't trust. Making it sound like any resulting pregnancies is just the woman's fault. If he doesn't trust her and doesn't want kids, yes he should keep it in his pants.
Kendra at September 10, 2014 8:48 AM
Until my life ends I will always side eye any woman that "accidentally" got pregnant and any man that got "tricked" into it.
Posted by: Ppen at September 9, 2014 7:09 PM
Yep, and for those of you think that *trust* is the answer here, trusting someone on such an important issue that you don't have a looong track record with is just bone headed.
It takes me about twenty years for someone to build up enough of a track record with me, for any kind of absolute trust.
The list of people who have my absolute trust: my mother, my husband, and my son.
All others are subject to verification on a regular basis.
Isab at September 10, 2014 10:05 AM
Find someone who doesn't want kids.
Pirate Jo at September 10, 2014 10:31 AM
i dislike the fact that this site seems to promote the idea that women are, in general, liars.
God forbid you dislike women lying, no lets bitch about the people who point out reality to you
he should keep it in his pants.
given the sheer number of men forced to be "fathers" aka ATMs for children they have PROOF are not theirs, keeping it in your pants is no defense to having the state rape you financially for two decades
lujlp at September 10, 2014 11:19 AM
Hey dummy. Birth control fails, esp hormonal birth control. Use a condom. Otherwise you only have yourself to blame.
Lucy at September 10, 2014 6:33 PM
Eh, condoms do have a failure rate of 18%...with imperfect use. (Which involves an awful lot of not using them.) When used correctly, it drops to around 2%. Not perfect, but up there with anything short of sterilization and/or an IUD. (The pill seems to be better with perfect use of 0.3%...but imperfect use puts it at 9%.)
http://www.contraceptivetechnology.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/CTFailureTable.pdf
Beyond imperfect/perfect use, if the guy REALLY doesn't want kids ever, a vasectomy seems like a good idea (failure of around 0.1%). If he might want them someday, just with someone else...or he doesn't want them and she does, why not just find someone who shares his child free interests? There are other women out there. (And it seems cruel to keep her around if she is baby crazy and he is baby averse.)
Mahkara at September 10, 2014 6:34 PM
Eh, condoms do have a failure rate of 18%...with imperfect use. (Which involves an awful lot of not using them.) When used correctly, it drops to around 2%. Not perfect, but up there with anything short of sterilization and/or an IUD. (The pill seems to be better with perfect use of 0.3%...but imperfect use puts it at 9%.)
http://www.contraceptivetechnology.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/CTFailureTable.pdf
Beyond imperfect/perfect use, if the guy REALLY doesn't want kids ever, a vasectomy seems like a good idea (failure of around 0.1%). If he might want them someday, just with someone else...or he doesn't want them and she does, why not just find someone who shares his child free interests? There are other women out there. (And it seems cruel to keep her around if she is baby crazy and he is baby averse.)
Mahkara at September 10, 2014 6:35 PM
My 24 year old son recently told me that he didn't see himself married to his girlfriend, and really didn't want to have children with her. Then he added, "to continue with the relationship is just a dick thing to do", since he knows she wants children.
If a 24 year old kid can figure this out, you should be able to, as well. The hard part is doing it, not knowing what to do.
There's no blaming her for an unintentional pregnancy if you continue to do the "dick thing" to her. ;-)
pbjammin at September 10, 2014 9:36 PM
I agree with pbjammin, this girl's wasting time with him that she should be spending finding someone who shares her desire to have children. Not to say she doesn't know this, but she probably secretly hopes he'll "come round" or whatever.
Lobster at September 11, 2014 9:28 AM
'Until my life ends I will always side eye any woman that "accidentally" got pregnant and any man that got "tricked" into it".
Cause we all know that birth control never fails. Ever. It's the most foolproof thing science ever came up with!
Seriously?!?!?!?!
wtf at September 12, 2014 7:03 PM
First of all, even if she's on the pill and he completely trusts her, he should use condoms (assuming they stay together; see below). She could forget to take her pill one day as a Freudian slip, completely out of her conscious control.
Second, what does he mean by "not yet--or maybe ever"? Is there some goal he's set himself (like, say, a certain level of income) which if he reaches it he'll consider fatherhood?
Finally, how old are these people? If she's over 25 and seriously wants a kid, she needs to move on now and start the search for someone who's on board with the idea. As I said in another recent thread on this subject, a woman has only so many childbearing years, and the clock is ticking.
Rex Little at September 13, 2014 12:14 AM
"Cause we all know that birth control never fails. Ever. It's the most foolproof thing science ever came up with!"
Why is it that most people that tell you they "accidentally" got pregnant you ain't one bit surprised? Why do the "accidents" mostly happen to the same type of people?
Every single time I have dug into one of them accidental children stories I come to realize the majority of people are full of shit.
Ppen at September 13, 2014 8:02 AM
Train wreck.
Good luck.
Glad I got out of my twenties in one piece (instead of two).
Look, it's not about "how can I tell if s/he's telling the truth."
It's about being 100% responsible for making sure you don't create a human being when you have no intention of devoting the next 20 years and altering the trajectory of your life in the service of protecting and providing for a human being who would not exist if not for you.
Michelle at September 13, 2014 7:55 PM
Agree with Kate.
If you can't trust her don't sleep with her.
If you don't admire and respect her enough to have your babies, don't stick it in her.
That's the biological, or if you prefer, theological reason for sex.
But I guess she's hot, right?
That trumps everything else.
ken at September 22, 2014 3:51 PM
I like Ken
Mary at September 22, 2014 7:24 PM
One frequent, genuine reason for birth control pill failure is the failure of doctors to tell their patients that taking antibiotics can render The Pill USELESS. I'm thinking said doctors should be named as parties in paternity suits (yep, including the female doctors who forget to mention this little nugget of news). There are a LOT of women who've been shocked to learn this - from ME. After they've been blithely, faithfully taking said pill. Another factor can be the patient's body mass. A responsible doctor isn't going to prescribe the same amount of medication to a 250 lb. patient s/he would prescribe to a 100 lb. one, right? Right? I wouldn't count on that too much, either.
I know one woman who was a faithful pill-AND-condom user, and she got pregnant three times, because her husband's swimmers could really swim. She was careful, and didn't want to get pregnant, but it happened, despite her care AND her ethics. The one man I know who truly didn't want to become a father did the sensible thing, and had a vasectomy.
I suggest that before leaping into bed with that sexxxy-lookin' lady, men should have the "what steps will be taken in the unlikely event you accidentally get pregnant?" This conversation needs to take place BEFORE sex: you may be thinking "abortion, of course" and she may be thinking "marriage, of course" - and you want to find this out BEFORE sex, not after. Yes, she may lie - but you may also hear the truth, even if it's along the lines of "I haven't really thought about it." Well, for pity's sake, don't have sex with someone that stupid! And if you're too embarrassed to have that conversation with her, you don't know her well enough to have sex with her, either.
Hellebore at June 23, 2018 8:12 PM
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