I Would Dye For You
My new boyfriend asked me to dye my ashy blonde hair dark. I think it would be fun to go brunette, but it seems rather unfeminist to do it for him. The bigger problem is that I recently stumbled across some photos of his ex-girlfriend of eight years, a brunette. Should I be concerned that he's still into her and I'm just a stand-in?
--Wigging
Sure, a romantic partner can go too far in making appearance-related requests, like by asking you to have a new set of breasts bolted on or to wear a ski mask to the liquor store. But the reality is, we all transform ourselves to be more physically appealing to romanatic partners and others. It's the reason for Rogaine, lipstick, and those control-top pantyhose that make you feel like someone's giving your intestines an all-day mammogram. And here's a man you want to want you. Why would fulfilling this request -- one you deem "fun" -- be a bad thing? Yes, there is the question of whether he's asking this because he thinks you'd look hot as a brunette or because you'd look like the hot brunette he dated before. But there's a simple way to figure that out, and it's calmly (and non-prosecutorially) asking him about this hair color preference, as well as what he sees in you (lookswise and otherwise). Keep asking until you either are satisfied with his answers or -- sadly -- realize that this request is just a prelude to other requests. (Really, all you'd have to do is a few pages of paperwork to legally change your name, saving him the pain and expense of getting that "Melanie" tattoo lasered off his "special place.")
Jeez, women go to all the trouble of wearing push-up bras, fake eyelashes, airbrush makeup, liposuction, hairpieces, and then they complain they can never find a "real man".
jefe at January 27, 2015 6:12 PM
"My boyfreind asked me to do something I was already thinking about. Should I say no just so feminists (women who hate me anyway just for touching a penis) will hate me just a tiny bit less?
lujlp at January 27, 2015 11:07 PM
Lujlp sums it up pretty perfectly.
Ppen at January 28, 2015 12:43 AM
A former girlfriend once called me up and said she was going to the grocery store, and we were getting together that night. She asked if I needed anything while she was there, as it turned out I'd just run out of (something I can't recall now) so if she'd pick it up for me that would be great. That evening when we got together I asked about the item (thinking perhaps she'd forgotten she had it), and she said she hadn't made it to the store. No problem. Then she got mad at me because I "expected" her to buy (item) for me. And she wasn't my servant. And I was a male chauvinist pig who just wanted her to be barefoot and pregnant and to cook my meals and clean my house. All because I "expected" her to pick up something at the store, after she offered to do so.
Before anyone asks, it was one item (not a whole shopping trip), it wasn't expensive (so paying for it wouldn't be a hardship), I would have paid her back, and I didn't make a fuss over her not getting it.
There's a reason why she's an ex-girlfriend (several reasons actually)
Mark HD at January 28, 2015 6:34 AM
Personally, I'd be weirded out if someone asked me to dye my hair. Clothes, wigs, make-up are all easily tried, swapped and changed out.
But a dye job is something you're stuck with for a few months, and it can be hard to maintain or switch back quickly if you hate it. Plus I'd always wonder if he'd be disappointed when I let it return to its natural color.
That said, my hair has been a number of different colors over the years, and if LW thinks going dark would be fun, she should go for it. It's the part about him requesting it that gives me pause, and not due to "feminism" (I'd say the same if the genders were reversed) -- as Amy says, she needs to do her homework to make sure he's not going to expect her to stay brunette or try to gradually control her appearance.
sofar at January 28, 2015 7:29 AM
it seems rather unfeminist to do it for him.
You say that like it's a bad thing. :)
Rex Little at January 28, 2015 9:20 AM
Hey, LW, black hair may not make him think about the ex -- he may have picked HER because SHE reminded him of someone. I had a crush on Morticia Addams (still the finest ever to appear on TV!) and Cher because they were apparently dangerous but were clearly smart and nuts about their on-screen partner. Maybe that's what he has in mind?
And then there's the added IQ points included in the bottle of black dye... Ouch!
Radwaste at January 28, 2015 2:11 PM
Rad,
Curious, how did you find Cher's attractiveness post nose job? After it her face seemed odd to me, like her nose was too pinched. Before it I thought her smile was very pretty.
Ppen at January 28, 2015 3:26 PM
Where did this idea come from that feminists hate any women who touches a penis?
Why do people not understand what feminism is after all these years??
Feminism is an ideology that aims to define, establish, and defend equal political, economic, cultural, and social rights for women. This includes equal opportunities for women in education and employment. A feminist generally self-defines as advocating for or supporting the rights and equality of women.
Feminists do not hate men, nor hate women who date men or like men. Feminists just want women and men to have equal rights and opportunities. Feminists are both male and female.
I am so sick of this idea that anyone who believes in equal rights isn't a feminist but a feminazi. This is wrong thinking and sending us back 40 years.
linny at January 29, 2015 1:40 PM
> Feminists do not hate men, nor hate women who
> date men or like men.
Seriously? How about:
◾“I feel that ‘man-hating’ is an honourable and viable political act, that the oppressed have a right to class-hatred against the class that is oppressing them.” – Robin Morgan, Ms. Magazine Editor
◾“To call a man an animal is to flatter him; he’s a machine, a walking dildo.” -– Valerie Solanas
◾“I want to see a man beaten to a bloody pulp with a high-heel shoved in his mouth, like an apple in the mouth of a pig.” — Andrea Dworkin
◾“Rape is nothing more or less than a conscious process of intimidation by which all men keep all women in a state of fear” — Susan Brownmiller
◾“The more famous and powerful I get the more power I have to hurt men.” — Sharon Stone
◾“In a patriarchal society, all heterosexual intercourse is rape because women, as a group, are not strong enough to give meaningful consent.” — Catherine MacKinnon
◾“The proportion of men must be reduced to and maintained at approximately 10% of the human race.” — Sally Miller Gearhart
◾“Men who are unjustly accused of rape can sometimes gain from the experience.” – Catherine Comins
◾“All men are rapists and that’s all they are” — Marilyn French
◾“Probably the only place where a man can feel really secure is in a maximum security prison, except for the imminent threat of release.” — Germaine Greer.
Snoopy at January 30, 2015 5:46 AM
Seriously, Snoopy?
That's like saying that because SOME men beat their wives, that ALL men are necessarily wife-beaters. Only bigots and morons think that way.
I consider myself a feminist, and I LOVE men (just ask my BF), their man-parts (again, ask said BF), and have nothing against women who like men (or women, for that matter).
[But if someone treats me like a second class citizen because I lack a penis, don't expect me to "take it like a man"...more likely I'll fight like a wild-woman.]
So let's everyone take a chill pill and stay cool like the intelligent adults we all are, or are trying to be.
Wallawallawanda at January 30, 2015 8:37 AM
oh, Snoopy.
so by quoting a few people, you think ALL feminists are this way?
You probably also think all muslims are terrorists and all christians are the westboro baptist church.
You are just as narrow minded as those you have quoted.
linny at January 30, 2015 10:01 AM
Then I'll quote our host:
"I don't call myself a feminist because I'm for fair treatment for all people, and against demands for special rights under the guise of equal rights (as I find too many feminists are)...and then there are those who are worshippers of ideology over evidence of how men and women are (Different! Whaddaya know!)."
http://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2010/06/10/feminism_has_be.html
Snoopy at January 30, 2015 3:02 PM
Where did this idea come from that feminists hate any women who touches a penis?
Feminist leaders who call all sex rape and women who have it with men colluders in their own oppression
Why do people not understand what feminism is after all these years??
Becuase the action taken by feminists in no way resemble the dictionary definition.
Kinda like how everyone view skinheads as neo nazis even though they started out as an anti hippie counter culture
Feminism is an ideology that aims to define, establish, and defend equal political, economic, cultural, and social rights for women.
Bullshit
This includes equal opportunities for women in education and employment.
Fucking Bullshit
And for all you ladies dumping on Snoopy for quoting the women leading this movement for "equality" I notice none of you disavowed what those women said.
lujlp at January 30, 2015 10:07 PM
People do things to make themselves appealing to their significant others all the time, men and women alike. Relationships work best when you are giving rather than withholding with your partner. If you think doing something to please your boyfriend, lover, or husband is "unfeminist" then perhaps your definition of feminism isn't conducive to keeping a boyfriend, lover, or husband. Should he refuse to do things to please you, or be attractive to you, because its not manly to do things for you? Shaving, for instance? Or, would you call BS on that noise? The brand of feminism suggested in the original letter isn't female empowerment -- its narcissism. There are, of course limits and you have to be true to yourself. But, I suspect this isn't being true to the lady who thinks being brunette would be fun and loves her boyfriend. Its being true to an ideological dogma. The "good man," "good feminist," "good christian/jew/muslim," "good American," "good fan" game is a means for other people to manipulate you into being true to *them* rather than yourself. Instead of being a "good feminist" why don't you worry more about being yourself. Besides, men don't want women who are good feminists, they want women who are good at being women.
David at January 31, 2015 12:57 PM
OK, the definitions of feminism are beside the point.
Trying to get you to be more like his ex is creepy. Is that what he's doing? Or is this just a fun thing to try? Find out.
And the person who suggested wigs was right on. Try some out first. This is harder to do if you have long hair. Then again, so's a dye job, it's a much bigger commitment if you're dying several years' growth of hair, you can't switch back easily. And once you go black, you can't go back, bleach will not remove it from your hair.
NicoleK at January 31, 2015 5:03 PM
David, how do you define "good at being women"?
NicoleK at January 31, 2015 5:04 PM
@"My new boyfriend asked me to dye my ashy blonde hair dark. I think it would be fun to go brunette, but it seems rather unfeminist to do it for him"
If you're going into a relationship with the attitude that you shouldn't do things for your partner, your relationship is already doomed. In that case please dump him to spare him a lot of unnecessary suffering, or fix your broken, unconstructive attitude.
Lobster at February 4, 2015 2:00 AM
My alarm bell is ringing. Asking a woman to dye her hair goes beyond "doing things to make yourself attractive." It speaks to me of persuading the woman to fit some kind of preconceived idea inside the man's head. I"m not saying dump him, but say "no" and take note of his reaction. Also look for other signs that he wants you to be a certain specific way.
Nancy at March 1, 2015 4:53 PM
@ Nancy and NicoleK: Why are you attributing to control and malice what is probably attributable to ignorance? Statistically, a man a) has no clue about dye jobs and b) probably has no clue about the difficulty of dye jobs interacting with long hair.
So a bit of education on his part is in order for him to understand how difficult that is.
I do not see the issue with him requesting things which might work him up. She is also allowed to ask him to make changes so their relationship is stronger.
I find most troubling that she is more worried about 'failing the Sisterhood' than the strength of their relationship. She should deny him because she thinks he will turn into a controlling asshat, not because of some nebulous disapproval from an ideology.
Re Snoopy's quotes: Ladies who are critiquing him, penalty flag! Lose 20 yards! Yes, some men are wife beaters. Guess what men do? We do not give them honorary doctorates, speaking gigs and make them EDITORS of popular men magazines so they can say "Hey! I REALLY like beating my wife!"
No. But you want to deny these feminist leaders as anomalies but still want them to set these hard markers and challenge men with their bat sheet crazy rhetoric.
The analogy was Muslims and terrorists. Yes, I don't have a problem that some Muslims are terrorist. I DO have a problem if the population in general decides that an Osama Bin Laden tee shirt is a wonderful fashion statement.
So you can decry these quotes when you remove these ladies from a position of influence, not before.
FIDO at September 14, 2015 12:08 AM
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