Beyond Thunderdomes
I have a great circle of female friends, but one of "the group" has a way of making backhanded comments about my appearance that make me feel bad about myself. Her latest topic is my breasts and how much smaller they are than hers. Incredibly, she manages to work this into any conversation -- exercising, fashion, shopping, camping. If I confronted her, I know she'd act as though she's been paying me compliments. ("But you're SO lucky to have small boobs!") How can I get her to stop?
--Annoyed
Stopping her would be easier if you two were guys: "I don't like the way you're talking about my boobs, Marjorie. Let's take this outside."
But while men will sock each other in the bar parking lot (and can sometimes go back in and have a beer), women engage in what anthropologists call "covert aggression" -- attacks that are hard to pinpoint as attacks, like gossip, social exclusion, and stabbing another woman in the self-worth. ("Stabracadabra!" -- you're bleeding out, but nobody but you can tell!)
Psychologist Anne Campbell, like others who study female competition, explains that women seem to have evolved to avoid physical confrontation, which would endanger their ability to have children or fulfill their role as an infant's principal caregiver. (Ancestral Daddy couldn't exactly run up to the store for baby formula.) So while guys will engage in put-down fests as a normal part of guy-ness, even women's verbal aggression is usually sneaky and often comes Halloween-costumed as compliments or concern: "Ooh, honey, do you need some Clearasil for those bumps on your chest?"
The tarted-up put-down is a form of psychological manipulation -- a sly way of making a woman feel bad about herself so she'll self-locate lower on the totem pole. And because men have visually driven sexuality, women specialize in knocking other women where it really hurts -- their looks. Like those supposedly minuscule boobs of yours. (Right...you'll have a latte, and she'll just have another mug of your tears.)
The next time that she, say, turns a trip to the mall into a riff -- "Har-har...Victoria's Secret is that they don't carry your size!" -- pull her aside. (In a group of women, conflict resolution is most successful when it's as covert as female aggression -- as in, not recognizable as fighting back.) By not letting the others hear, you remove the emotionally radioactive element of shaming. This helps keep your defense from being perceived as an attack on her -- yes, making you the bad guy.
Simply tell her -- calmly but firmly: "These mentions of my boobs are not working for me. You need to stop." Be prepared for the antithesis of accountability -- a response like "Gawd...chill" or "I have no idea what you're talking about." But she'll know exactly what you're talking about, which is that you've just become a poor choice of victim. She may float a remark or two to test your resolve, so be prepared to repeat your warning -- calmly but firmly -- until she starts acting like just one of the girls instead of yet another breast man.
Love this advice. People like to twist themselves into knots, thinking about how they're going to counter someone who's putting them down. We think we need witty comments, to come up with the perfect come-back right in the moment.
In reality, firmness and sincerity are what's called for. People like LW's friend never see it coming (because they deal in subterfuge and their own self esteem is so low they can't imagine being honest and direct).
sofar at July 28, 2015 6:39 PM
Just start a slapping therapy, or as my dad called it in french, une baffotherapie.
nico@ver at July 29, 2015 2:22 AM
Want a witty comeback? Here are two
Thats funny {insert name here} I wish I had your sense of humor, but unfortunately I could never be such a raging two faced bitch to everyone all the time. I really admire your willingness to alienate everyone you meet for no discernible reason.
True, but at least I'll never have to worry about fishing them out of my socks to put on a bra and how much do you figure such support will cost you in a few years?
lujlp at July 29, 2015 3:44 AM
Large breasted women have weird relationships with their boobs, at least I and the ones I know do. On the one hand, they're often made to be a source of shame, as now, when I read Lujip's comment which frankly makes me feel awful even though it wasn't directed specifically at me (please don't make a comment like that to your friend) or a source of pride sometimes... we want to convince ourselves we have it better but sometimes we don't.
Frankly, we tend to have to deal with a lot of comments about our boobs and build up ways of coping with it.
Your friend's comments are her way of coping, but they're not appropriate. I think you need to deal with it head on and in the moment.
"Yeah, um, please don't make comments about my boobs it is really in appropriate"
"But small boobs are great!"
"Your comments are really inappropriate".
If they don't stop, walk away. Repeat as needed. Don't fall for the "I mean it as a compliment" bait and switch, just keep saying your boobs are off topic. Might not work right away, continue as needded.
If another friend says "She said you are uptight because you wont take compliments about your boobs", just say, "She makes a lot on inappropriate comments, and it is not cool"
Then change the subject
NicoleK at July 29, 2015 5:18 AM
"Large breasted women have weird relationships with their boobs, at least I and the ones I know do. "
In my experience, most women have a love/hate relationship with their sex organs generally.
Cousin Dave at July 29, 2015 8:02 AM
Having a weird relationship with one's breasts isn't unique to busty ladies. Keep in mind that if you're flat-chested, you've been hearing about it since adolescence. So having some bitch "friend" with big boobs constantly reminding you that you're part of the IBTC is sort of a return to the worst parts of middle school. I don't know if I could take the high road and pull her aside the way Amy suggests. Then again, I don't have a lot of girlfriends, and part of the reason for that is that I'm not going to play the alpha-bitch jockeying game.
ahw at July 29, 2015 8:21 AM
The difference is that busty ladies and especially curvy hourglass ladies with asses AND boobs (think jennifer love Hewitt or Amber Rose) are thought of as "crass" and "sexy" and "bimbo"ish merely by existing. Women take a real negative dislike to them just by looking at them. Often calling them fat. And men sexually harass them blatantly. Even think about it in socio economic status- a wealthy man is supposed to have a skinny wife and if she has tits they're supposed to be the fake kind.
Waify girls are thought of as classy. Audrey Hephburn and the like.
Just my observations growing up as a waify girl vs my best friend who was had a busty curvy body with a booty.
So I gotta agree with NicoleK. Busty girls have a whole complex that I just never see with my average cupped sisters---unless they live in an area like SoCAl where it's common to get big top heavy fake titties.
Ppen at July 29, 2015 1:24 PM
There is some truth to being seen as trashy. I remember me mother trying (upon retrospect) hide my boobs. Lose weight! Of course I was 5'6" and 115lbs. Wear loose clothes! Don't wear a belt. I remember trying to please her so I wore the outfit my sister wore two days before that my mom said was so cute. Of course, I looked like a slut wearing the same thing.
A bust is certainly a mixed blessing. The bigger they are the further they fall.
Jen at July 29, 2015 8:46 PM
I got huge boobs early and went from basically a kid to someone that was sexually harassed by grown men overnight. It is crazy.
LauraGr at July 30, 2015 8:17 AM
As a well endowed lady, I honestly DO wish I was a IBTC member.It's been years since most people have looked me in the eye. My go to comeback with the more crass remarks (Nice tits...etc.) Has always been a big sunny smile and a "Thanks, I grew 'em myself"
Lesli at July 30, 2015 10:28 AM
I don't think you need to pull her aside. I think you can shake your head and say, "Too far!" in front of your friends. Do it with a smile so everyone can save face.
NicoleK at July 30, 2015 10:44 AM
Speaking of middle school, here's a great all-purpose comeback that I used to use in high school when "friends" made snide-with-a-smile observations (I'll modify it for the LW's problem):
"Loulabelle, why do you find my breasts so fascinating? I couldn't care less about yours."
Oh, and say it so the rest of the group hears. If she insists that she's "just saying" how lucky you are, you can say, "Well cut it out...you're creeping me out."
The embarrassment should stop her, AND you've robbed her of any satisfaction by refusing to be put down, AND it lets any potential frienemies in the group know that there's a line that does NOT get crossed.
Hat trick!
Wallawallawanda at July 31, 2015 7:17 AM
My young buddy was overly blessed with back ache, poor posture and a low self esteem..She is also hauling around two enormous watermelons on her chest. The focus has always been the fruit on her chest, not her sweety demeanor. The kind of guys wanting to date, seem to want to skip the actually dating and head her to bed. Falling into that over the years, has done a number on her mentality. She thinks about getting them reduced to get back to a healthy life and feelings about her actual self.
yolabubbles at August 1, 2015 10:11 AM
I'd probably say something like, 'NOT THE BOOBS AGAIN!!!!'
Pirate Jo at August 1, 2015 3:12 PM
In my experience, most women have a love/hate relationship with their sex organs generally.
I think I speak for many men in saying I have a look/touch relationship with them.
JD at August 1, 2015 10:08 PM
I hate bullies. Amy's advice is right, though be prepared that the first few times she will probably say something nasty to you - key is to be persistent - make sure that there is always at least some negative repercussion for her to putting you down, e.g. take her aside, tell her firmly 'that's wrong'. If she escalates, just be firm as you are in the right, and have the right to go out with your friends without having to suffer her stupid put-downs.
You don't need to think of witty comebacks or some-such .. you can't really beat a pig at a pig's game if you're not a pig, and in any case, being a pig is probably not a personality trait you want to cultivate.
Lobster at August 5, 2015 4:28 AM
LW - Why on earth do you continue to associate with that woman?
Mike at August 21, 2015 6:50 PM
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