Jerk du Soleil
A good male friend (going back 20 years) is a great guy -- fiercely ethical and very kind -- and is irate about the jerks I've been out with recently. He has two guy friends he thinks I'd like. Is it safe to assume that they'll be cool/respectful because this is coming through our mutual friend? (I figure it can't be worse than truly blind dating online.)
--Jerk Magnet
A friend who cares about you wouldn't knowingly put you together with jerks -- which would be like recommending a prospective tenant to his landlord with "He just wants a quiet, safe place..." and neglecting to mention "...where he can pursue his hobby of balcony chicken farming."
And the good news is that a good guy is likely to have friends "of a feather." Studies by psychologist J. Philippe Rushton suggest that we have a genetically driven preference for both mates and friends who are similar to us -- especially in age, ethnicity, and educational level but also in opinions and attitudes. So, if this guy likes and respects women, there's a good chance his friends do, too. But a "good chance" is not the same thing as an "ironclad guarantee." In other words, go in with your eyes wide open, because it's still largely a gamble; it's just less likely that your friend will be all "Found the perfect guy for you. We all call him 'B' -- because it's easier than saying 'Beelzebub.'"
As an official old person (I'll be 57 any second now), I find it funny that she has to ask if it's a good idea to meet guys through friends. What do you think people did before Match.com and Tinder? That, and joining organizations -- anything from church to volunteer organizations to clubs -- where you'll meet like-minded people are how the species perpetuated itself for a very long time.
Dana at August 26, 2015 8:50 AM
Ethnicity? Trumped by cute, funny and adventurous in my book. Then again, I'm too old to care what anybody thinks. She's staying.
MarkD at August 26, 2015 9:25 AM
Before you head out on a date with a "nice" guy try and answer this question: what is it about not-nice guys that turns you on so much that you bounce from one to the next?
I suspect that like an unwelcome virus, you will give some nice guy a bit of a try, get bored, hurt his feelings and recoil back to the not-nice guys with whom you are so infatuated.
Execute an act of kindness and leave the nice guys alone.
Paul A'Barge at August 26, 2015 11:41 AM
Paul, or get a little counseling and figure out what the deal is.
But I would contend that "nice guy" is a very broad term. I married a super-nice guy -- I'm not the only one who thinks so; he's generally acknowledged to be one of the nicest guys around. (I can't tell you how many times I've heard, "Oh, you're Eric's wife? I love Eric!") What he's not is weak, or needy, or a pushover, or a self-defined victim. Too often "nice" is code for those things, all of which are generally unsexy.
Me, I married a squishy, sensitive marshmallow with a core of spun steel. And a great butt.
Dana Carpender at August 26, 2015 11:53 AM
I'll add: The list of points of similarity that drive preference leaves out socioeconomic class. I often think it's harder to marry across class lines than across race lines. I could easily have found myself with a smart, educated, upper-middle-class guy of another race. Finding myself with a guy of the same race, but very different upbringing would have been harder.
Dana Carpender at August 26, 2015 11:56 AM
What Paul said. The LW implies that she knows the guys she's been going out with are jerks but dates them anyway. She needs to figure out why she does this before she'll be able to stop.
She also needs to be honest with herself about why this guy who wants to fix her up is just a friend. If it's because she's not attracted to him, she's unlikely to be attracted to someone who's similar.
Rex Little at August 26, 2015 8:37 PM
I hear a lot of whining from BOTH genders about someone they dated being a "jerk" when in fact that person just wasn't into them all that much. They fall for the super-attractive alpha of whatever gender they prefer, the super-attractive alpha can get anyone they want, and then the pursuer is all butthurt when the hottie's final choice ends up being someone else. Look, that doesn't make them a jerk. It's just someone who has a lot of options and they picked a different one.
Pirate Jo at August 27, 2015 7:13 AM
Dana: The man you married isn't a pattern "Nice Guy"; he is an "Integrated Male", in the words of Robert Glover [see Amy's links in sidebar].
Too bad "Integrated Male" has very little chance of catching on in casual conversation.
jefe at August 27, 2015 5:26 PM
Okay, although my husband was told at least once during his college years that he was "too nice." Could be that I was the one who noticed the steel underneath.
Regardless, we need some way to linguistically divide the weaklings from the sweetie-pies.
Dana at August 27, 2015 7:38 PM
Leave a comment