You Luddite Up My Life
My boyfriend will text if he's running late but says texting "isn't real communication." He says that if I need to talk, I should call him. I get that anything serious should be discussed via phone. However, we live separately, and sometimes I just want to reach out in a small way with a funny photo or a word or two and get a word or two back. When he doesn't respond or grudgingly responds a day later, I get more and more hurt and angry and want to break up with him. I know he cares about me. Am I being unreasonable?
--Upset
We get it: You spend an entire day making a small but very accurate Voodoo doll of him and then have to dispose of it when he finally texts back.
There are many who share your boyfriend's techno-snobbery, claiming that texting isn't "real communication" (perhaps because it doesn't require Socratic oratory or chasing a goose to pluck a quill). But say one person texts "i love u" and the other texts back, "k." That communicates plenty. And say you and your boyfriend were in the same room and you held up a tiny fern in a pot: "Look! A plant that has yet to commit suicide on me!" It would be pretty cold -- and surely he'd think so -- if he just kept silently clipping his toenails or whittling his corncob pipe or whatever.
It's one thing if you're sending him iTunes user agreement-length texts and expecting him to text back in kind. But this sort of texted "yoo-hoo!" you're sending him is one of the seemingly unimportant reach-outs that relationships researcher John Gottman calls "bids for connection." These "bids" are attempts -- often made in small and mundane ways -- to get your partner's attention, affection, humor, or support.
Gottman observes that these are effectively little "trust tests" leading to "a tiny turning point -- an opportunity, or a lost opportunity, for connection." In a study by Gottman and cognitive psychologist Janice Driver, the newlyweds who remained married to their partners six years later were the responsive ones -- those who had "turned toward" their partner's bids, on average, 86 percent of the time. Those who'd responded only 33 percent of the time were divorced by the six-year mark.
Explain the "bid for connection" thing so your boyfriend can understand why it's so important that he come through for you -- or, rather, 4 u. But also keep in mind, as I write in "Good Manners for Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*ck," that "technology makes a nearly instant response possible; it doesn't mandate it."
Let him know that you aren't looking to start some relationship reign of terror -- like if he doesn't text you back in 60 seconds, his phone and/or the relationship will explode. It's just that seeing him making an effort would mean a lot to you (and keep you from Googling genital death spells). It's also the sort of thing that keeps romance alive. As Gottman points out, you do that not with "Gone With the Wind" embraces or a bunch of loot on Valentine's Day but with little daily shows of love. In this case, it's those three little...uh, letters -- LOL -- after you text him a cat with a gunslinger mustache or a dachshund in a lobster suit.
This couldn't get more "first-world problem" if it tried.
Perhaps he could be more responsive, but perhaps she couldn't overreact so much. What I found most useful was your quote from your book: "technology makes a nearly instant response possible; it doesn't mandate it."
You really have no idea what he's in the middle of. Sometimes I get texts that I only have time to look at, in case it's something important, but don't necessarily have time to respond to. And by the time I can respond to it, I may have forgotten about.
The guy has a point: texting is just not communication. And frankly, I find it annoying. You could call me and say what you have to say, and I could respond to it.
But instead, you'd rather adopt this cumbersome method of thumb-typing a message, thereby obligating me to do the same for you. Why, when speaking is so much easier?
Patrick at September 29, 2015 5:51 PM
OK, I'm a little older and reasonably tech savvy, but have always viewed texting as a step backwards. I have only half jokingly said that if texting had been invented first, then we'd all be excited when we could have a phone where you could actually talk to someone rather than tediously type a message.
I think we've been here before. Google "telegraph" and "telephone".
Give the guy a break.
Bob at September 29, 2015 6:44 PM
Bob: Best comment ever!
Helena at September 30, 2015 6:04 AM
I try to remain flexible about how I communicate, but I understand the resentment some people have for texting. A bunch of "how was breakfast"-type trivial bids for attention can be annoying when you're busy. Nobody wants to be pestered, and if you want an immediate response for silly conversation, that's overly needy. Also consider that you (hopefully) wouldn't call him to have 20-second conversations 15 times a day.
So, yes, he should pay attention to you, but you should also make sure you're not being needy and annoying.
ahw at September 30, 2015 7:14 AM
I'm the sort of person who communicates better in writing, so email has been a godsend for me. However, texting is in fact awkward; an array of letters on a tiny screen (especially when they are displayed in ABC order, which I've noticed is becoming the default) is a poor substitute for a real keyboard. Any means of writing that forces you to think about the mechanics of interfacing with the medium inhibits written communicatoin. (That's one legit reason we have text shorthand, however abominable it may be otherwise.) There's also the issue that texting enables constant demands for attention: how often is she doing this? Is she sending him stuff every 15 minutes while he's at work?
And yes, there are circumstances where it can't work in a timely fashion. I work in a secure facility, and the only way I can receive texts (or calls on my mobile) during the day is that I have to grab my phone, go outside, and wait for the phone to sync with a tower. Needless to say, I don't do this every five minutes. And people who fail to understand this irritate the crap out of me: "I texted you an hour ago! Why didn't you answer?" Because, dumbass, I can't see texts when I'm in the building, as I've told you a million times. I've given you my work email and my desk phone number. If it's that important, why won't you use one of them?
Cousin Dave at September 30, 2015 7:19 AM
I agree 100% with those who find texting annoying. I don't have a cellphone, but if I did, the tiny keys and the need to time your taps to get the right letters would drive me bonkers.
Someday, a device will project a holographic keyboard (full size) in front of the user, and sense the position and movement of his fingers to know which keys he's pressing. If I live to see that, I'll be all over it. Until then, if you want to write me, send email. If I'm at the computer (I usually am), I'll answer in minutes.
Rex Little at September 30, 2015 11:22 AM
Frequency is definitely the unknown factor here.
...and how many back-and-forths are expected to take place during each session. If there are more than two queries and responses, it has become a bothersome interruption if I'm doing anything other than something like sitting on a bus. It gets to the point where you fear responding because it is taken as an implicit invitation for more and more texts all in a row. In those cases I will eventually stop responding.
Treadwell at September 30, 2015 3:05 PM
"But instead, you'd rather adopt this cumbersome method of thumb-typing a message, thereby obligating me to do the same for you. Why, when speaking is so much easier?"
Because its fun! I love texting. I have had hours and hours long convos via texting. During meetings, at work, at home, in the library. I've met two great guys on a texting app. One was a very successful lawyer and the other a professor of psychiatry. I text my best friend throughout the day (and she responds back). No the response doesn't always have to be immediate but many times it is.
The reason I don't have phone calls is exactly because I'm busy but I like a quick distraction. I can list many others but this is definetly standard to text your sweetie almost everyday if you're under 30.
I suspect a lot of the commenters have such a distaste for it because its generafional and view the whole process as cumbersome.
So yeah LWs request seems reasonable, as does Amy's reply
Ppen at September 30, 2015 3:12 PM
IMO the lw sounds too needy and way too sensitive..."Wah, boo hoo, I'm not getting instant attention!" She reminds me of a little kid tugging on her mom's clothes to get attention when Mom is trying to cook dinner or something. Sweetheart, some of us have more important things to do than to play with our phones. It just kills me when people assume that if they don't get an immediate response, it means the other person doesn't care, rather than the MUCH more likely explanation that the other person is freaking busy.
Erica at September 30, 2015 3:40 PM
I'm with Ppen on this one. It's a generational thing. Preferably stay-in-touch texts are cutesy and not ask-answer paragraphs. I keep in touch with one daughter in school and one in the house 3-way texting all the time. It's actually fun and not obnoxious at all. However, I have noticed that the younger they are, the more they truly shun actual phone calls. They're better at emojis and non-punctuation-ending sentences than the nuances of actual conversation.
gooseegg at September 30, 2015 5:24 PM
I'm about to turn 50, but per all this I guess I count as one of those darn kids. I hate, hate, hate talking on the phone. Most of my communication with friends and loved ones is via text or IM. It makes me really happy that my 75-year-old mom loves texting. My dad doesn't call, but he does stick with email over text or IM. I guess we're just not a phone-friendly family.
Why do I like it? I like the asynchronous nature. If it's urgent, sure, I'll call. But if I want to say, "Hey, you busy Saturday?" it doesn't matter if the reply takes a few hours to get back to me, and the person can think about it, check their calendar, and get back to me in their own time. Kind of like the good old days of sending postcards, without quite the gap between receipt and reply.
And sometimes I just want to send someone a Japanese monster GIF as a Facebook IM. Calling my sweetheart on the phone and saying "I love you as much as I love an image of Godzilla stomping through Tokyo breathing fire and then there's a heart icon over his head"? It's somehow . . . not quite the same.
Anathema at September 30, 2015 8:12 PM
Leave the poor guy alone. This is why cell phones suck, people expect you to be at their beck and call 24/7
I'm 38, so maybe I'm too old, but seriously. What ever happened to playing hard to get?
NicoleK at October 1, 2015 12:46 AM
"I can list many others but this is definetly standard to text your sweetie almost everyday if you're under 30."
There's a big difference between "every day" and "every 30 minutes". That's the part that was vague in the LW's letter.
Cousin Dave at October 1, 2015 6:51 AM
P.S. My rambling about why I like texting in no way obviates my opinion that this LW is nutso crazy. Well, insensitive anyway. I recently decided against dating someone I'd found interesting online because the night we were going to meet up for the first time he texted me like 20 times. At work. Even after I told him to stop because he was annoying me. Not enough nope in the world for that.
Anathema at October 1, 2015 7:25 AM
my ex used to call every hour or so, all day long... back before texting was a thing. At first it was newlywed cute... and then it was kindof annoying, and then it was "I'm a full on control freak, and you must pay attention to me now!"
"how ARE you?"
'same as an hour ago."
"why didn't you call me back?"
'I am calling you back, what are you talking about?'
"but I called over 2 hours ago!"
JUST BECAUSE it's texting doesn't mean this form of communication is any less intrusive, esp. based on expectation.
As so many in the thread have said, the frequency of this matters... and we've no clue if there is a lot or little.
I'm guessin LW ALSO hasn't a clue if it's a lot or a little... regardless of how often it's done.
Most people want what they want, when they want it.
I'ma guess if boya says: "but that's not real communication..." there is more to this than a mid afternoon text asking: "how ya doin?"
Obviously it's irking LW enough to write in to AMY... so, expectation exception handling is prolly the first order of business.
That and a reminder that: "my grandparents were married 60 years, and didn't have a private phone... maybe there was a reason they were married so long..."
Also, while it would be good for them to talk about her expectations, it's also good to bear in mind that people OFTEN ask for unreasonable things, in a reasonable way...
On this one, we'd prolly need to know the guys opinion, too.
SwissArmyD at October 1, 2015 8:05 AM
I'm with Anathema--for the love of all things holy, don't call me! And having to retrieve voicemail is the worst. Just send me a text. Quick, simple--I'd much rather talk in person and text when apart. And I'm 47, so I was not raised with 'tech,' but I've certainly embraced the convenience of it.
Peg Y at October 1, 2015 10:10 AM
Nicely done, Amy. I don't think this is so much a texting versus voice thing, as a communication frequency in general thing. I think that statistic about "turning towards your partner" is as indicative of communication compatibility being very important to maintaining a relationship. My wife would expect the 5 kids and I to answer every call, and quickly respond to texts, but never answer herself. I took it to be a control freak thing, and it definitely strained our marriage. What probably saved it was the kids getting old enough to say things like, "The phone works two ways, mom." (About other topics, too.)
Even now, though, we have issues. She started calling me or texting me shortly after getting to a new job, relatively late in my day. I have a daily meeting at precisely the same time, and have for years. It took weeks for her to catch on. (Which might be indicative of how much she listens to me.) Like CousinDave, there are days when I just can't get to my phone. There are many days when I can only get to it a few times a day. That's why I love texting: it is asynchronous. If you expect immediate responses, use some form of communication that requires it, and deal with the times it doesn't work.
SlowMindThinking at October 1, 2015 11:08 AM
I prefer voicemail as I can access each message from my phone individually with a single button on the touch screen.
I hate the "call me" voice mail though, my outgoing message specifically states I will never call back "call me" messages
lujlp at October 1, 2015 3:18 PM
True maturity in relationships means that, when making a bid for connection, virtual or actual, one has to be prepared to hear a, "No," or, "Not now."
Anything else is emotional blackmail.
steve at October 3, 2015 4:40 AM
Captain's log, Stardate 100515.
We've located a new species and are attempting to communicate. After broadcasting the Standard Greeting in all known languages on all frequencies, we have received back the following:
Kitty Bunny Kitty Bunny Bunny Wink Heart Heart Heart LOL.
Mister Spock is desperately cross-searching all communications databases but so far the closest match leads to a 21st century 13 year old North American female attempting to communicate with a 14 year old North American male.
The search continues. Kirk out.
Gog_Magog_Carpet_Reclaimers at October 5, 2015 10:44 AM
Frankly, I like the privacy that texting provides. You don't always want everyone in your workplace or in the public sphere to hear your conversations: as a matter of fact, it is considered rude and self-centered to subject everyone in your immediate vicinity to your banal conversations about dinner or your buddy's new girlfriend or where to get the best deal on Uggs in your neighborhood. I also appreciate that you are not putting a person on the spot, as you might be with a telephone request. Further to this, have you ever made the effort to go to visit a friend or a business associate or your accountant in person, only to have your conversation preempted by someone has put in considerably less effort to earn that person's attention merely because the bleating of the phone sounds more pressing? Texting can reduce these types of inequities and invasive behaviors.
Plucky at October 10, 2015 8:33 AM
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