If you think this kid is a challenge now, just wait ten years... and see why moms drown their kids in the bath tub.

He is right, set boundaries

And make him enforce them

You got into a "big fight" with him because you quite reasonably said that he can't just go to bed, leaving you to care for his daughter?

I don't think she should marry him. Because obviously, he seems to think it's perfectly fine for him to "clock out" and stick her with his responsibility. And he's even willing to get into a "big fight" about this. Sounds to me like his expectations are that she is becoming the live-in baby-sitter.

And what happens if they decide to have kids of their own? This will likely become a pattern. He gets to go to bed early, leaving her with taking care of the kids.

I do not have a good feeling about her situation if she goes ahead and marries him. He's pretty damned selfish and irresponsible.

I agree with Patrick...this guy's no prize. He sounds like one immature, selfish child himself and I'm betting that's why he's no longer with the mother of his child. She probably smartened up and kicked him to the curb.
Also, I feel sorry for the little girl. Maybe the mother takes little interest in her as well and she's starved for attention. Imagine how confusing it is to a 5 year old to try to understand why she's being farmed out every few days to visit daddy while he just sleeps. Thankfully this woman has been kind enough to spend some time with her, but I don't see this relationship lasting either and then the child will have to get used to visiting daddy with yet ANOTHER strange woman she'll have to get used to.

There's a pattern I've noticed among some of my male 30-something friends who have kids: They assume the women love to watch kids that are not their own. At parties. At park get-togethers. Wherever. They think we will welcome the opportunity to "spend time" with their baby while they enjoy the party. I am happy to babysit on a scheduled basis (so mom and dad get a night out or a day to themselves), but I am not OK with being the designated kid-wrangler when I think I'm just going to a fun BBQ.

I went with my boyfriend to a restaurant, where a handful of his male friends (one of which has a toddler) were meeting for dinner. Daddy arrives, hands ME the kid and sits down across the table. I can't even eat my food because the kid keeps grabbing at it and me. So, I hand the kid to one of the other dudes and say, "Take this." He goes, "I'm not good with kids." I go, "Neither am I," and plunk the kid in his lap.

I went with my boyfriend to a restaurant, where a handful of his male friends (one of which has a toddler) were meeting for dinner. Daddy arrives, hands ME the kid and sits down across the table. I can't even eat my food because the kid keeps grabbing at it and me. So, I hand the kid to one of the other dudes and say, "Take this." He goes, "I'm not good with kids." I go, "Neither am I," and plunk the kid in his lap.

Posted by: sofar at October 21, 2015 8:07 AM

I was an only child, and my biggest fear growing up, was some baby or small child I was in proximity to, was going to start crying, and I was going to get blamed for hurting him....

This did not instil any love of small children, nor have I ever been comfortable around other people's kids, unless they are teenagers.
I could handle my own. Both seem to think In retrospect that I was a good parent, but I did not, spend endless hours entertaining them when they were small. That way lies madness.

I wonder if he just "goes to sleep" on evenings when he DOESN'T have his daughter? If so, it's amazing their relationship has progressed this far!

Even so, there is no need to constantly entertain her by "guessing how many fingers she's holding up," etc. Let her know you're trying to watch a program on TV or read a book or surf the internet or whatever it is that you're doing and she'll need to entertain herself. Make sure she has a way to do that so that she doesn't hurt herself or damage valuables and let it go. Although kids like constant adult attention, it is not necessary for you to give it to them.

I agree with everyone else, but would like to add that this child should not be up past 8:00 pm. Every time she is over bath at 7:30 ( handled by dad), story and into bed by 8:00 pm. No exceptions. Nothing saves a relationship or your sanity like a firm bedtime!

Since she agreed to marry him why is this a problem?

Is a new thing? (oh by the way I have kid show up every other week-end. the one w/o the pizza is mine.)

Sounds like there are 3 kids at this party and no adults.

She shouldn't be entertaining the kid, because this is a five-year-old whose dad should be getting her ready for and into bed- not just crashing because he's tired. This kid needs to be doing the bath-story-bed routine, and Dad needs to be driving it. Preschoolers and Kindergartners generally don't put themselves to bed.

I'd tell the letter writer, from personal experience, that this is very unlikely to change and that if it bothers that much her she should reconsider her engagement. And yes, Dad is slacking, and it's bullshit.

She shouldn't be entertaining the kid, because this is a five-year-old whose dad should be getting her ready for and into bed- not just crashing because he's tired. This kid needs to be doing the bath-story-bed routine, and Dad needs to be driving it. Preschoolers and Kindergartners generally don't put themselves to bed.

I'd tell the letter writer, from personal experience, that this is very unlikely to change and that if it bothers that much her she should reconsider her engagement. And yes, Dad is slacking, and it's bullshit.

Everyone is pouncing on him, and he deserves some, but she is a live in fiance. Was she planning on not interacting with the kid for the next 13 years. She is planning to marry into this family, and become a step parent, and will have another 13 or so years being said step parent.
She does need to set boundaries, possibly with both of them. It doesn't magically happen when she says 'I do' and probably should have happened long before it reached this point. If she can't hack it now she won't later.

Entire thing sounds like a C.F.
dunno what othe background Amy has... but neither one of them seems ready for marriage. The situation is presented with too many holes. For ex. if the kid has been at dad's house half time since they've been dating... how come this seems new to LW? Have things CHANGED from before she moved in, to now? Is the kid acting different. Have they all sat down and talked about the step thing? Are their differing parenting styles?
Donno, doesn't sound lake a good thing for the kid.

SwissArmyD "how come this seems new to LW? "
Yeah that's what is hitting me too. Boundaries should have been set long before this unless she was avoiding the kid.Makes me wonder if the Dads actions might be him "forcing" them to finally interact.

if the kid has been at dad's house half time since they've been dating... how come this seems new to LW?

Because she just moved in. Before this, she most likely slept over only on nights when the kid wasn't there.

The way I see this, the issue is not setting boundaries with the child, but doing so with her fiance. If I read this correctly, he sees his kid a few days/nights a week, then chooses to spend that time sleeping. This is not only unfair to the letter writer, but even more so for his daughter. After all, I'm sure his daughter would much rather spend time with Dad than Dad's fiance. Unfortunately, I think Amy missed the mark on this one. Of course, if they are to get married then her establishing a relationship with his daughter is important, but more important is that Dad have an actual relationship with his own daughter. Bottom line, I see this as a huge red flag and if I were her, I would reconsider the whole marriage idea.

@"Sounds like there are 3 kids at this party and no adults."

I find it a bit odd that someone would get involved with a man who has a five-year-old daughter and apparently not expect that this is somehow going to involve a huge commitment to basically becoming a new mommy for the child, but maybe my thinking is not the norm - is this really normal to get involved with people who have 5-year-old kids where you get to only play the girlfriend/boyfriend role with very few parental responsibilities?