Fifty Shades Of Wait
I'm a very successful guy in my 30s. I had a lot of casual sex in my 20s, but I got sick of the disconnection and emotional fallout. I'm looking for a relationship, and I've started waiting to sleep with women (for at least a month). I tell them this, but the waiting thing seems to make them want me more and push to have sex. What I don't get is why some get so angry at me.
--Slow Train
Women are used to men wanting sex right away -- or sooner, if possible. Your being the one with your legs crossed? Well, it's like offering a dog a strip of bacon and having him look up and say, "Aww...thanks, doll, but I'm good."
Now if these women getting angry with you were just lusty, there's an app for that -- one that allows a moderately attractive woman to swipe a sex partner over faster than Domino's can get there with a pizza. The problem here is female sexual psychology. We all want to be wanted, but research by clinical psychologist Marta Meana finds that women, especially, seem to have an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. This makes evolutionary sense, in light of women's need for reliable signs that a guy would stick around after sex to "provide." A man having an uncontrollable longing for a particular woman is pretty great insurance -- right up there with leg-shackling him to the cave wall.
Not surprisingly, according to research by evolutionary psychologist Patricia Hawley, if there's catnip for women, it's those "bodice ripper" novels. They feature intense male desire for a woman, but not of just any male -- a "powerful, resource-holding" one, like the playboy prince or titan of industry. This alpha god cannot be tamed, until...whoops...up pops our heroine, the apparently ordinary maiden. The hunky royal or CEO is so taken with her unique (and otherwise overlooked) beauty and spirit that he can't help but grab her and "ravish" her. Of course, in real life, we call this felony rape. In romance novels, when the guy is uber-rich and cruelly handsome, it's the start of a beautiful relationship.
So, women's inability to defeat the time lock on your zipper is telling them something -- no, not "Wow...he thinks I'm really worth getting to know," but "Wow...he thinks I'm uggo" and "That two-week sabbatical from Booty Barre has really caught up with me." It may help a little to reassure them that you find them wildly attractive -- like by "confessing" that you have to take three cold showers and stare at pictures of steamed vegetables before every date. For you, this is the only possible way to keep from giving them one of those man-scam long hugs that turns into sex...uh, that is, three weeks and four days later.
A very informative column. I was unaware of women's desire to be desired and it's basis in our evolution.
But I might have suggested he shorten the waiting period a little. Like from one month to one week. I understand the reasoning behind not wanting to jump into the sack on the first date. But an entire month? That seems too long.
Patrick at March 22, 2016 6:27 PM
An entire month seems long? Um...more average, I would have though. Granted, I'm a bit older than the hookup-generation. Still: Sex on the first or second date? I would have thought that was more the exception than the rule, for most people.
a_random_guy at March 23, 2016 12:16 AM
I've had a couple of cases where guys made me wait a long time and it was actually incredibly hot (in both cases it was more due to the vicissitudes of ethical open relationships than anything else. . . checking with all other partners, making sure everyone's rules and boundaries were met, finding time and place to do it given the scheduling issues). That's because we didn't just sit there waiting . . . we talked dirty, we made out, we talked about what we *would* do if we *could.* In both cases when we finally got to the actual pants-free activities, we not only had all that built up sexual tension fueling us, we'd also been talking for weeks (and in one case, months) about everything we like in bed, sexual fantasies, etc. So a lot of the "does this work for you? How about that? Would you ever wear a latex chicken suit?" that one goes through with a new partner had already been sorted.
In another case, I sort of dated a guy for many, many months. "Sort of" because we went out dancing, had dinners, even had two BDSM sex-club dates that were . . . pretty sexless. But no actual sexing. I was getting really confused and antsy and he basically just said that he had so much anxiety and depression and emotional issues from his most recent relationship that he needed a really, really long time. I'm not proud of myself for this, but I eventually kind of gave up. He did later meet someone more patient than I, and we're still friends, so I don't feel like a total jerk, but still. It's a thing.
Anathema at March 23, 2016 7:58 AM
Methinks my Lord doth protest too much...
If I start to date a woman and my lede is not 'Hey, I can't screw you until the 18th of December', then I am likely to wait...probably a month? (Been a while since I dated) At least a couple of weeks, as we try to get dates sorted out. Even a 'three date rule' means it is likely a two week interlude before 'pantless Friday' is very likely a topic of discussion.
Now if he IS leading with 'I am going to get to know you first', this is him daring the women. And it seems he is enjoying so many of them taking up the challenge.
So my advice, if he is serious instead of just bragging, is NOT to bring it up until the woman does. And as Anathema said: he can certainly make out some and let them know he is interested even if he does not 'do the deed'.
I think if I occasionally had a few intimate touches even if we did not fog up some car windows, she would be somewhat reassured.
FIDO at March 23, 2016 8:17 AM
Much older (not wiser) so I don't get the problem w/waiting. However I was never 'not' married and always a parent so it was more complicated (it seemed).
Plus, a lot of women were simply not worth the bother of a "lay" (conversation skills, smoking, etc.) regardless of how hard up I was. Used to being a couple even if it was not a 'great' couple.
Unless there was some great anticipation of "hotness" caution was good (so glad I did not get all I asked for as some experiences are just too costly).
Is sex just another form of texting on the phone nowadays?
Bob in Texas at March 23, 2016 8:21 AM
NOw Amy's excellent insight to the side, I think he is also meeting a very different demographic of women as well.
A twenty-something girl is not into a LTR most likely. As they say, for a twenty year old girl, a guy is like a subway train at noon: If she doesn't pick this one, another will be along in ten minutes.
At thirty, if she is in the mood for an LTR, she is facing a) mom REALLY getting on her ass about guys, b) a quickly evaporating pool of well off guys who are actually datable and relationship material and who WANT a relationship and c) a potentially increasing case of baby rabies.
Which is not to say that wanting to be wanted isn't a factor or the fact that these women might relish a challenge.
But this guy is taking what they feel is one way to seal the deal off the table, and that has to be very frustrating. How are they supposed to bring their A game (or at least the B and C game) to the table when he is 'acting like a prude'?
Frustration can lead to anger and I find, just like ghosting guys with fake phone numbers, women don't like tables turned or 'blue balls' any more than guys do...and dealing with it less, react worse.
Just one perspective.
FIDO at March 23, 2016 8:27 AM
I agree with Patrick's assessment: shorten the wait. Minimum of four dates. If after four dates, you should have a good idea if they're worth pursuing. I'm not saying go all the way at the end of date four, but some physical form of affection. Or cut them loose.
On the other hand, if they're getting actually angry by being told "no", then that's an excellent sign that you need to put the toe of your boot in the crack of her ass and kick her to the nearest available curb.
Also, trust your instincts. If your spidey sense is tingling, listen to it.
But then again, it's been so long since I've had sex, I forget who gets tied up. So I may not know what the hell I'm talking about.
I R A Darth Aggie at March 23, 2016 10:29 AM
I would suspect he was possibly gay or religious, maybe had past sexual trauma, mentally ill or the worst thing of all---super hung up on some other woman and not particularly interested in me aside from a temporary distraction until he could get back together with her.
Just odds are in the dating world that if a guy is acting out of character for his gender there is probably something (negative) going on. Personal growth or new found morals isn't something that I assume out of anyone unless I've known them for a long time.
Ppen at March 24, 2016 3:17 PM
"I've started waiting to sleep with women (for at least a month)."
Don't expect an answer but in your '30's waiting a month is so unusual that is a possible sign of being "gay"? (Not picking on Ppen it just kinda popped out at me.)
What on earth is the big deal? If you are very social you might have a few 'friends w/benefits' but to sleep w/every woman you date w/in a few weeks? (Maybe you only date 2 or 3 times a year?)
Why? If you know your business you have nothing to prove/really learn. (At 30 if you are still learning that's different but hoping all parties involved 'know/accept' this is a training mission.)
Since you are not invested in furthering/creating a relationship what do you get out of it?
Do you have an implicit rule that you see her x times after you have sex? No times? Do you discuss this? (Boy am I old and gone "Back to the Future".)
If it's a request from the lady then okay but that's opening up a can of worms if she's not stable in her mind/expectations.
No reply needed. Just really curious why people would skip/remove all of the intimacy from sex.
It's just scratching a physical itch w/o intimacy (at least once you learn to connect the dots).
Sigh. Putting on my second 4 cups of coffee. Cheers Mate!
Bob in Texas at March 26, 2016 6:22 AM
It's not unusual to say you will wait for sex. It is unusual for a guy to actually decline sex, which is what he is doing.
Yes there are many many men who say I am waiting for x reason. And as a woman you expect 0 to keep their word on it and hold out. That's why while I know there are sincere guys that are geniuenly holding out....odds are in my head that that is not the reason why its happening since odds are there is probably something weird going on. Why? Because in dating when a guy acts out of the normal range its usually because of something negative.
Funnily enough all the men that held out for non religious friends did turn out to be gay.
There was that study a while back where a strange woman went up to men and bluntly and directly asked them for sex. Didnt all say yes?
I suspect LW wants to date women who MAKE HIM hold out. Which Amy has discussed extensively how that makes men like you better. He wouldnt have his 1 month rule if he met alot of those.
ppen at March 26, 2016 10:49 AM
Thanks ppen. I get that.
Majority of the women I've met (3 decades ago now) were not just looking for sex but were trying to close the sale, and in one case looking for a 'daddy' to "her unannounced to the world" baby - dodged a bullet on that one.
Thus my learning curve gradually became "Be thankful you did not get ALL you asked for.", and my view is skewed around "free" sex is not necessarily a "good" thing.
Guess times are different now (missed Woodstock and all that "free" love).
Bob in Texas at March 26, 2016 1:35 PM
Yeah, the Boomers got free love, us X'ers got herpes and AIDS.
The last woman I dated, I turned her down on the first date. She wanted it (she admitted to me later), but I had decided about halfway through dinner that I wasn't going to do it that night. Because (1) I was interested in her and didn't want it to just be a one-night stand, and (2) frankly, I wanted to see how hot she would get for it. So no sex that night. The second date was another matter entirely, and well worth the wait.
She told me later that she had almost never been turned down without their being an obvious reason (gay, too drunk, etc.), and that she found it very hot. We've now been married for 22 years.
Cousin Dave at March 29, 2016 12:57 PM
One or two weeks too long to wait? I prefer to know if I actually like the person, are they trustworthy, are they nice to other people, etc. People with healthy self-esteem don't use their body to get into a relationship. Having sex is this joyous celebration of all the other emotions that you share between you. Now, I'm a member of the Sexual Revolution, I'm sending seen it all and done it all. But that doesn't mean at this stage of my life I think it was emotionally healthy behavior. I prefer emotional intimacy before sex.
Millie Barnes at May 14, 2016 4:06 PM
One or two weeks too long to wait? I prefer to know if I actually like the person, are they trustworthy, are they nice to other people, etc. People with healthy self-esteem don't use their body to get into a relationship. Having sex is this joyous celebration of all the other emotions that you share between you. Now, I'm a member of the Sexual Revolution, I'm sending seen it all and done it all. But that doesn't mean at this stage of my life I think it was emotionally healthy behavior. I prefer emotional intimacy before sex.
Millie Barnes at May 17, 2016 2:29 PM
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