Hush To Judgment
My boyfriend introduces me as his girlfriend to his parents, friends, co-workers, etc. However, he doesn't like to Facebook the intimate details of his life, including our relationship. My friends think it's a red flag that he doesn't post about us on Facebook. Do you think they're right?
--Hidden
Your boyfriend doesn't post what he had for lunch -- and probably not because he's embarrassed to be seen with his sandwich or he's looking to cheat on it with a plate of spaghetti.
Even criminals have the right to remain silent. But that isn't what your boyfriend's trying to do. In fact, he's public about your relationship; he just draws the line at publicizing it on social media -- as in, having a bunch of people he doesn't know know a bunch of things about him. (In economics, this is called "information asymmetry.")
Your friends seem to be confusing privacy with secrecy. Secrecy is about having something to hide -- often something shady you've done -- while privacy is about choosing who gets the scoop on your life. There's this notion that if you aren't doing anything wrong, you've got nothing to hide. Well, you aren't doing anything wrong on the toilet, but you probably don't want to replace your bathroom walls with glass and set up bleachers in the backyard. Apparently, your boyfriend just expects people to put in effort to invade his privacy -- rather than his being all "Welcome to our relationship! The usher will lead you to your seats -- 13A and B, right by the headboard. We look forward to your comments. Even if you're an Internet troll. Even if you're a bot!"
I know someone who does this, but in a very questionable way. Maybe we're missing some examples, but if the partner does not exist in their online persona, it's not unacceptable to wonder exactly where that partner stands.
Rob McMillin at May 17, 2016 4:31 PM
What Rob said.
It depends on what else is on his Facebook page. Is it pictures of his family? Is it only pictures of him? Or is he like me and only have pictures of a cat he doesn't know? (I really don't like Facebook.)
In short, do relationship items fit with the over all theme?
Ben at May 17, 2016 7:24 PM
I almost never post relationship cr@p on FB, even though my pirate wench does look cute in photos. Instead I let all my friends and other contacts-- spam up my page, for MY entertainment. Just the stuff I get about chemtrails is pretty awesome, in spite of the troll bs I've gotten on Amy's blog when I post it there.
jefe at May 17, 2016 8:18 PM
Well stated, Amy. Maybe I just don't understand Facebook, which may be the reason I don't have one. Which means I don't grasp the concept of a "red flag" that her dim wit friends keep telling her about.
Keep up the good work by providing common sense advice to the world desperately in need of it.
Ian at May 18, 2016 2:49 AM
I haven't posted anything to Facebook in, probably, 10 years. I haven't logged in more than twice in the past year.
You have to choose your channels. No one can be present on Facebook, Snapchat, Twitter, WhatsApp, personal and business email, Skype, and on, and on, and on...
You pick your channels. The rest exist, for the odd case when you need them.
Also, as in the other column this week: from a guy's point of view, women are way too wrapped up in this social media crap.
a_random_guy at May 18, 2016 4:55 AM
I would suggest that the LW count her blessings. Going on about relationships on Facebook can have its downside, too, don't you think? What if they have a quarrel? Should he be posting about that? What if she has some kind of important-yet-embarrassing surgery? Does she want him broadcasting that? Like Will Rogers (and probably others) have said, "Never miss a good chance to shut up."
And what is it with all this "red flag" talk anyhow? Maybe LW's friends are jealous.
Old RPM Daddy (OldRPMDaddy at GMail dot com) at May 18, 2016 5:41 AM
Other than stating your relationship status why do women need to do this?
I mean a recently married couple I know broke up on FB by posting letters written confessing to affairs! YUCK! TMI!
Dropped them both. (They apparently got back together but to me that just shows more bad judgement. I mean an affair w/in 1 year of marriage? And you take her back! Are they related to the Clinton's?)
FB is for fun, cute, non-stressful stuff.
Bob in Texas at May 18, 2016 5:53 AM
When did dignity die?
MarkD at May 18, 2016 6:48 AM
What does LW want exactly?
I haven't posted "about" my beloved on Facebook ever (and we're getting married this year). I'm not one for status updates, though. I mean, I'll post photos and check in at places, but I don't ever write paragraphs about my day, or political thoughts, or the fact that my fiance cooked me dinner. Still, it's clear to anyone who looks at my profile picture that I'm in a relationship.
I seem to remember reading something that people who post often about their "amazing" relationships are really trying to compensate for their dissatisfaction with their relationships.
sofar at May 18, 2016 7:43 AM
I thought Facebook was for cute cat photos. Are there people using it for anything else?
Cousin Dave at May 18, 2016 10:05 AM
Is he "In a relationship" with her profile? If not, yeah, I'd wonder. Unless he uses his FB account the way I use my Ello one... ie I signed up and promptly forgot about it.
NicoleK at May 19, 2016 5:27 AM
"Well, you aren't doing anything wrong on the toilet"
Speak for yourself
smurfy at May 19, 2016 3:18 PM
While we are talking about "social media", do remember that it is a prime venue for identity theft.
So are your records with the clerk of court in your county, and anything you and your family members do on websites such as ancestry.com.
Sometimes, the absolute best thing you can do is shut up about yourself.
Radwaste at May 20, 2016 5:33 AM
Just to mention: My brother had a girlfriend whom he introduced to friends and family. But he wouldn't put her picture on Facebook, nor mention her, because he knew that some of his other women friends on Facebook were interested in him, and he didn't want to cut off his options. Plus he did occasionally meet other women who became Facebook friends, and he didn't want people to think he was 'taken.'
Basically, he had this girlfriend, but he wasn't in love, and was keeping his options open for 'something better.' Ultimately, he did break up with her.
Starr at May 21, 2016 4:11 AM
Starr Starr Starr.
Man, you just took the ROMANCE out of dating.
(Plus we never tell our man secrets you know.)
Bob in Texas at May 21, 2016 6:10 AM
Married guys who have their wives listed in their profile cheat all the time.
Mary at May 22, 2016 11:58 AM
" Just the stuff I get about chemtrails is pretty awesome, in spite of the troll bs I've gotten on Amy's blog when I post it there."
Ahh, yes - asking you point-blank about physics issues with your claims... questions directed to you are "troll bs". So you just post and run.
Facebook allows for such speedy delivery of fantasy and delusion as to leave AOLers in awe. No wonder you have an easier time of it there. A greater percentage of Amy's bloggers are degreed or technical professionals than FB users.
On topic, I suspect the majority of men - older than millenials, at that - consider FB more trivial than their relationship. Treating an SO decently is just something you DO, not needing documentation, especially on such a frivolous platform.
Radwaste at May 28, 2016 9:20 AM
Everything's a red flag these days.
Lobster at June 13, 2016 10:11 AM
This complaint seems completely backward to me. The boyfriend is happy to introduce the LW as his girlfriend to family and friends in person, but doesn't micro-document every event in their relationship on Facebook. How is that bad? How is wanting to keep your personal life largely confined to the flesh-and-blood world rather than the cold void of cyberspace a bad thing?
The only things I share about my relationship on Facebook are the major milestones (anniversaries, Valentine's Day wishes, when we got engaged). I don't figure anyone else cares about or particularly needs to know about the little moments we share together that make us happy. Those are personal and special. My relationship is not a movie and I don't have to publicize it to the world to make it successful.
MWR at July 13, 2016 8:21 AM
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