Look On The Always-Right Side
I'm a Harvard-educated man in my late 30s. I've had many ugly arguments with girlfriends, probably because I am highly opinionated and won't give in when I'm right. I've always dated smart, professional women around my age, but I'm now dating a 21-year-old girl, and I'm thinking this could be it. She doesn't complain, bug me, or question or challenge me. It strikes me that having a partner who challenges you is overrated. Could this be a lifelong relationship? Can't I just pursue intellectual discussions elsewhere?
--Peaceful
Why not take this to the next level and get an inflatable girlfriend? You wouldn't need to feed her, and you could save big on travel if you'd just let the air out of her, fold her up, and stuff her in your carry-on.
This actually might make some sense. After all, conflict is bad, right? Well, not exactly. It turns out that there's good conflict and there's bad conflict. Bad conflict involves the stuff of "ugly arguments" -- sneering, mocking, and getting up on moral high ground...just so you can shoulder-check the other person off the edge. Good conflict, on the other hand, involves getting (and giving) healthy pushback -- which means being what Nassim Taleb calls "antifragile."
In "Antifragile: Things That Gain From Disorder," risk researcher Taleb, a former derivatives trader, explains that antifragile is "the exact opposite of fragile" -- but it goes beyond "resilience or robustness." Antifragile describes the way living things are improved by stressors -- becoming better, stronger, and more able to cope with difficult, unpredictable stuff that comes their way.
Beyond how being challenged improves you as a person, marriage researcher John Gottman finds that the happiest, most stable relationships are those in which husbands accept "influence" from wives, making wives "far less likely" to go ugly in disagreements. This starts with what Gottman calls "deep friendship" -- love between two equals with mutual respect, not one person who can't believe his luck at finding another who, intellectually and emotionally, is basically a zygote with boobs.
Of course, this woman's silent partner thing may just be a feature of her being 21. Increasingly, 21 is the new, oh, 8 and a half. Kids are, as Taleb might say, raised "fragile" -- helicopter-parented to encounter as few stressors as possible and then bubble-wrapped off to college for more of the same. Universities, formerly centers of free speech and free inquiry, now have speech codes so nobody gets hurt feelz and have "trigger warnings" about course material, lest someone suffer emotional trauma from something untoward in, say, Plato's "Republic." (Yes, college is now basically nursery school with beer.)
Still, even these kids have to grow up sometime -- which is to say, your girlfriend could begin to have opinions and get a little miffy that you have a heartfelt interest in, um, never, ever hearing them. Your welcoming opinions and influence from a partner -- this woman or a more challenging (but still loving and good-natured) woman -- starts with having humility, which those frail of ego tend to see as a sign of weakness. The truth is, it takes a strong person to admit that he may be wrong and maybe doesn't know everything in the known universe (and any yet-to-be-discovered galaxies). Should this come to describe you, you might start to see the appeal of a woman with more to say than those "three little words" -- "Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh."
"I've had many ugly arguments with girlfriends, probably because I am highly opinionated and won't give in when I'm right."
LW, I suspect this happens less often than you suspect, because you seem to lack the ability to communicate why your statements are correct - and a proper representation of an issue does not depend on your telling of the story. Then, persuasion is the signal that your argument is truly sound.
Radwaste at September 13, 2016 11:00 PM
I was 23 when I met my ex-husband, he was 38. I had a head full of mush, and bought his line of BS hook, line and sinker. But a funny thing happened, I grew up. I grew a spine, I made friends, formed my own opinions, and CHANGED! (horrors) He didn't like it very much, and spent a lot of time trying to undermine me, putting me down and making me miserable. He thought I should stay that mush-headed little idiot forever, and I disagreed.
LW, do this girl a favor and set her free. She doesn't need an old man trying to trap her in amber, she needs an equal partner in the journey of life. She has a whole lot of growing to do, and you are set in your ways. It's not fair of you to feed your ego by keeping her a child.
I want to point out that I am not against May/December romances, I think they can work if both partners actually understand that each is a work in progress and will grow together. My own current marriage has a 20 year age difference yet it is a very happy one. But LW's comments lead me to believe he is not willing to let his paramour grow.
Kat at September 14, 2016 12:31 AM
"Highly opinionated" = "Full of yourself". This is supported by the fact that you have to specify that you are "Harvard educated". Most people learn to tame their egos in their 20's. You're a bit behind the curve.
You probably aren't right nearly as often as you think you are. Especially on hot-button topics, like politics, there often is no absolute "right" position. The mature approach to a discussion is to sincerely try to understand what the other person thinks, and why they believe what they do. That's your challenge, instead of trying to run them over with your "Harvard educated" credentials.
a_random_guy at September 14, 2016 2:16 AM
He deserves whatever happens when his prenup is put to the test.
She deserves the opportunity to either mature while enjoying his attentions or help him become successful and at some point after put his prenup to the test.
I imagine/hope she is enjoying the differences between a "Harvard-educated man in my late 30s" and a 21 year old McD employee.
This may be the best sex he ever had or will have in the future so he will pay for it at some point ( assuming he is not a professor somewhere).
Bob in Texas at September 14, 2016 5:59 AM
How can you tell a Harvard grad? Easy -- you can spot his ring when he sticks his finger up his nose!
Okay, that was a little snarky, but instead of saying, "I've had many ugly arguments with girlfriends, probably because I am highly opinionated and won't give in when I'm right," LW might try, "I've had many ugly arguments with girlfriends because I'm so damned hard-headed I can't admit when I might be wrong." When one can put the hard-headedness aside, it's possible to understand and respect others' positions, even if one doesn't agree with them.
By the way, Kat, I really liked your amber metaphor!
Old RPM Daddy (OldRPMDaddy at GMail dot com) at September 14, 2016 6:34 AM
It could be it. If you enjoy the relationship, might as well pursue it.
It is also likely that at 21 she is not ready to settle down and sees you as a fling, someone to have fun with. When she's in her mid to late 20s she will meet whoever her husband is going to be. But even if that is the case I see no reason not to enjoy it while you can.
NicoleK at September 14, 2016 9:50 AM
I don't ever want to meet LW. We would not get along.
JT at September 15, 2016 10:06 AM
"Highly opinionated" = "Full of yourself".
Yeah, that phrase raises a flag with me too. In my experience, when someone describes themselves as "highly opinionated", they usually mean "I'm a Cluster B narcissist and you'd damn well better get used to it."
Cousin Dave at September 15, 2016 10:25 AM
When I hear someone trot out irrelevant credentials, I assume their case is weak. You may be able to convince me, or persuade me, but it won't be because you went to the same school as a whole bunch of famous failures and incompetents.
MarkD at September 16, 2016 4:28 AM
I tell my kids to be suspicious of anyone who never admits to being wrong (even if you can't prove it).
No one is right all the time.
Katrina at September 16, 2016 2:25 PM
She doesn't complain, bug me, or question or challenge me.
Yet.
JD at September 17, 2016 11:38 AM
Hmm.
Unfortunately, Mr. Harvard Education does not realize that a majority of his opinions are likely 'value judgments', i.e. not-falsifiable.
So he is arguing his opinion and portraying it as facts. Certainly he is not alone in this mistake. Look at most of the media and colleges out there who treat any deviation from their 'Harvard Syllabus' as wrong headed heresy.
Oh! That is the LW!
Maybe when he grows up a little, he will realize how little he actually knows versus how much he actually BELIEVES.
FIDO at September 19, 2016 5:05 AM
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