Shaggedy Ann
When I was in my 20s, watching "Sex and the City," I saw the Samantha Jones character as a sexual role model -- thinking I could have love-'em-and-leave-'em sex like her. However, even when I only wanted sex, I always had a sense of loss when one-nighters didn't evolve into something more. I reflected on this while reading your recent column about how women often wake up after casual sex wanting more from a guy -- even a guy they don't want. But I personally know two women who prefer casual sex. They have it often and don't get attached. Why can they do this?
--Not Teflon
There are those women who, in bringing some himbo home for a hookup, really go that extra mile -- taking a lot of turns on the way so he'll never again find his way back to their apartment.
So, no, "Sex and the City's" Samantha isn't a completely fictional character in how, after sex, she brushes men off herself like large, penis-equipped crumbs. However, in that column you mention, I referenced research from anthropologist John Marshall Townsend, who discovered that Samantha's post-sex detachment is pretty atypical -- that many women who intend to use and lose a guy often find themselves going all clingypants the next morning.
Understanding what allows the Samantha type to escape this takes separating the women who have casual sex from those who feel okay about it afterward.
Women have casual sex for various reasons. For some, it seems the feminist thing to do -- to prove they can do anything a man can do, whether it's working on an oil rig or dragging home strangers for a little nail-and-bail. Townsend notes that women hook up because they aren't ready for a relationship, because they're trying to punch up their sex skills, or -- as with rock groupies -- to get some small piece of a guy they know is out of their league. Other women see hookups as the "free candy!" they can use to lure some unsuspecting man into the relationship van.
There's a widespread belief, even held by some researchers, that higher testosterone levels in women mean a higher libido, but testosterone's role in female desire is like that Facebook relationship status: "It's complicated." Research by clinical psychologist Nora Charles, among others, suggests that "factors other than ... hormones" are behind which women become the Princess Shag-a-lots.
Personality seems to be one of those factors. In looking at what's called "sociosexuality" -- what sort of person has casual sex -- psychologist Jeffrey A. Simpson finds that extraversion (being outgoing, exhibitionistic, and adventure-seeking), aggressiveness, and impulsivity are associated with greater willingness to have an uncommitted tumble.
However, once again, all the reasons a woman's more likely to have casual sex don't stop her from getting tangled up in feelings afterward. The deciding factor seems to be where she falls on what the late British psychiatrist John Bowlby called our "attachment system." According to Bowlby, how you relate in close relationships -- "securely," "anxiously," or "avoidantly" -- appears to stem from how well your mother (or other primary caregiver) sussed out and responded to your needs and freakouts as an infant.
If she was consistently responsive (but not overprotective), you're probably "securely attached," meaning you have a solid emotional base and feel you can count on others to be there for you. This allows you to be both independent and interdependent.
Being "anxiously attached" comes out of having a caregiver who was inconsistently there for you (perhaps because they were worn thin) or who was overprotective. This leads to fear and clinginess in relationships (the human barnacle approach to love).
And finally, being "avoidantly attached" is a response to a cold, rejecting caregiver -- one who just wasn't all that interested in showing up for you. Not surprisingly, perhaps to avoid risking all-out rejection by being too demanding, the avoidantly attached tend to adapt by becoming people who push other people away.
It's avoidantly attached women who social psychologist Phillip Shaver and his colleagues find can have casual sex without emotional intimacy -- and, in fact, tend to see their "discard after using" attitude as a point of pride. (It sounds better to be a "sexual shopaholic" than a person with unresolved psychological problems.)
Other women -- those who didn't have a really chilly caregiver -- are likely to have that "sense of loss" you feel after casual sex. As Townsend notes, female emotions evolved to act as an "alarm system" to push women to go for male "investment" -- that guy who'll go to the ends of the earth for you...and actually come back afterward instead of growing a beard, getting a passport in a fake name, and starting a new life in some remote Japanese fishing village.
I used to have a cougar (years before we used that word) who confessed to me how she went NSA sex-crazy after her divorce. Her goal was to have sex without even knowing the man's first name... she never quite achieved that. It was all about getting revenge.
Then there's "rebound" sex, which is pretty similar, except maybe it pretends to be a relationship, until she pulls the plug. I've encountered that a few times. It's really about getting a validation boost.
I'll offer that low self esteem can be a big part of avoiding attachment... imagining that more partners= more validation, not realizing that true validation comes from within, and not from others.
jefe at September 27, 2016 8:30 PM
"There's a widespread belief, even held by some researchers, that higher testosterone levels in women mean a higher libido, but testosterone's role in female desire is like that Facebook relationship status: "It's complicated."'
While it's probably a myriad of factors--it's becoming more and more clear it's really the status of your neurotransmitters that dictate your willingness to engage in risky sex. ADHD women tend to be a prime example of a risky, impulsive sex group. It's really amazing what a little Vyvanse does to that impulsivity. In fact! normal people report EXTRA horniness on ADHD meds while ADHD sufferers report either a normal sex drive where they can actually pay attention to their partner or a lowered libido. Interesting stuff!
There are other groups of women who also seem to be ok with pumping and dumping strangers, all of these groups have neurotransmitter issues. None are resolved with hormone therapy. All via playing around with dopamine signals.
Ppen at September 27, 2016 9:22 PM
Painting a broad brush here but I believe that women (and men) in their early '20's are experimenting with the freedom to do "adult" things.
Some know what they want and others have not developed impulse control to help them determine the difference between what they want and what their various role models say they want.
Throw in the unconscious triggers discussed above and what a mess/minefield you have.
Never watched the show so I'm not sure if the main character was afraid of commitment, a cold-heart bitch not caring who she hurt, or a tragic confused "nice" girl just bumbling around all of the hormones.
Take your pick. Players gotta play.
Bob in Texas at September 28, 2016 6:00 AM
Its also about context. If I am away on a business trip and meet a guy at the convention its a free-for-all, no attachment needed, the Erica Jong "zipless f". But someone who I will run into in the course of things I will be more careful about sex and what type of attachment/future relationship is indicated.
Frankly I don´t see it as hugely different for many men, the idea of guys being love-em and leave-em is quite foreign to many of my male friends, straight and gay.
zapf at September 28, 2016 7:44 AM
I used to find (when I was younger) that when I hooked up with a guy a few times and he stayed attached, I would almost automatically lose interest and move on. If I felt insecure in his interest in me, I'd become infatuated. Even if it was a guy I didn't like that much.
I had occasions where a guy who I thought was icing me (heyo) actually fell for me, and then my attraction died. I pursued like nothing else mattered, then discarded when I won. The transition from passion to contempt was as sudden as a shade being drawn, and I never MEANT for it to happen.
It was like I didn't need any guy, but I had to be the one to make the decision.
I don't know where those awful impulses came from, but I'm glad I grew out of them.
Insufficient Poison at September 29, 2016 10:38 AM
That is an unfortunately common reaction IP.
Ben at October 3, 2016 8:35 AM
Never heard the term "himbo" before. I like it. With your love of wordplay, is that your invention, Amy?
JD at October 8, 2016 12:26 PM
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