Dr. Filler
I was a married man for a long time, but about a year ago, after grieving my divorce, I got into friends-with-benefits things with two different women. (Neither knows about the other.) We like each other, but we don't call or text regularly or discuss whether we're seeing anybody else. Well, last month, I met this great woman and felt a real romantic connection. We haven't slept together because I want to end these FWB things first. My question is: How do I do that? What does a woman who isn't a girlfriend but has been having semi-regular sex with a man want to hear that will not hurt her?
--Concerned
The really terrible breakups are those where the other party just won't let go -- like when the gym chain or cable company makes you talk with three "retention specialists" and show the lease to your new place 6,343 miles away, with no access to transportation but a rickety footbridge over a 400-foot chasm.
However, most helpfully, Paul Mongeau, who researches communication in relationships, finds that there are three different levels of friends-with-benefits relationships: "true friends," "network opportunism," and "just sex." "True friends" mean something to each other. They know and care about each other and also have sex. "Network opportunists" are a step down from true friends. They're people in the same social group (or "network") who aren't really friends but are friendly enough to go home together if neither meets anybody better at the bar. And lowest on the FWB ladder is what you have -- the "just sex" thing. The just sex-ers don't hate each other or anything, but, as the researchers explain, for them, the "friend" in FWB "is a misnomer." They're in each other's life for one reason: to be sexual grout.
It bodes well for the woman you want that you care so much about being kind to the women you don't. But consider that you probably have deeper and more frequent conversations with the guy who makes your burrito at Chipotle. So, for these women, losing their "just sex" man will be inconvenient and annoying but probably not as heartbreaking as needing to find a new plumber. Just politely inform them that you have to end it because you've started seeing somebody (and not just for 45 minutes at 1 in the morning).
Read Dalas Lynn's "Ladder Theory"... LW has achieved every man's goal, a FWB relationship, reaching the top of not one, but TWO women's "Real" Ladders. The trap many men find themselves in is to arrive instead at the top of their woman's "Friends" Ladder. The men have to make a hazardous Ladder jump, to the woman's Real Ladder. Below, there is only The Abyss.
What LW needs to do is make a Reverse Ladder Jump, to the women's Friends Ladders. No hazard is involved in this. He only needs to say to them what every women has learned when she wants to kill a romance: "Let's just Be Friends"-- aka the old "LJBF"!
jefe at October 4, 2016 7:09 PM
Talk about first world problems. . .
Rex Little at October 5, 2016 12:13 AM
Oh, I'm sorry -- did you come here to discuss third-world problems?
Helena Handbasket at October 5, 2016 6:24 AM
Helena,
Rex and I are probably wondering "Dang man! What's your secret?". (Not for now but remembering our "back in the dark ages" times.)
I mean TWO fwbs! and now a third opportunity?
Bob in Texas at October 5, 2016 7:29 AM
I was in Helena, MT about 4 years ago. I walked up and down the main street, but couldn't find a place called Helena Handbasket.
T. J. Patriarch at October 5, 2016 9:19 AM
(Helena, you're awesome.)
There's another type of FWB: The other person wants a relationship with you and is submitting to FWB status, hoping he or she will convince you otherwise. I hope he's not dealing with that. It doesn't sound like it, but it's possible the FWB are just enduring the "no personal conversation" restriction as a condition of continuing to see him.
If they're really not attached, then this should be easy. He doesn't even have to reach out to them; he could just wait until the next time they ping him. (Although I would do it proactively. It shows respect for them and precludes an unexpected and embarrassing rejection.)
Insufficient Poison at October 5, 2016 11:23 AM
he could just wait until the next time they ping him. (Although I would do it proactively. It shows respect for them and precludes an unexpected and embarrassing rejection.)
Not to mention the text he gets 6 months into the relationship with Ms. Wonderful which says 'I am horny and not wearing panties' which she sees when passing his phone.
Makes for an awkward conversation.
FIDO at October 5, 2016 10:07 PM
@FIDO
Early in the relationship, my wife had an awkward discussion like that :)
@ bob in Texas
I am totally with you, I am even thinking along the lines:
"you mo**f***r, you have 3 sex relations at the same time and you dare complain!!!!! I am beat the s**t of you!"
of course, all back in the dark age...
nicolas@reims at October 6, 2016 2:38 PM
"45 minutes..."
Heh.
It's a start...
Radwaste at October 7, 2016 8:38 PM
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