Venus Envy
I'm a 30-something woman, tall and thin, whom friends describe as beautiful. Perhaps for this reason, I'm often confronted with rude social assaults by people who assume things are handed to me on a silver platter. I am financially independent and have a full-time job and own a home and car. I dress and act modestly. Yet, I'm repeatedly insulted by people who suggest I got my job and other benefits because of my looks. What can I do to avoid or deflect these demeaning insinuations?
--Not Just Skin Deep
Inner beauty, unfortunately, only turns heads of people with X-ray vision: "Excuse me, miss, but has anyone ever told you that you have a very pretty appendix?"
Sadly, complaints about the difficulty of being eye candy in a world of eye kale tend not to engender much sympathy, and researchers haven't helped matters. There's a considerable pile of research that has found a "beauty premium" (especially for women) -- a bias toward hiring and promoting the hotties of the workforce -- and, depressingly, an "ugliness penalty" holding back the more Shrekalicious among us.
But it turns out that the methodology behind this slew of findings -- and the conclusion that simply having cheerleader good looks acts as a sort of express elevator for your career -- was a bit overly broad. According to a 2017 paper by evolutionary psychologist Satoshi Kanazawa and sociologist Mary Still, once you drill down into the details -- control for health, intelligence, and personality characteristics (along with some other individual differences) -- you see a more nuanced result: "It appears that more beautiful workers earn more, not because they are beautiful, but because they are healthier, more intelligent," and have more desirable personality traits: more conscientiousness and extroversion and less neuroticism.
Sure, this probably sounds absurd -- this association of good looks with intelligence, a winning personality, and good health. However, take that last one. It turns out that beauty is more than nice human scenery; it's also advertising for what's on the inside. For example, consider the preference across cultures for faces with "bilateral symmetry."
"Facial bilateral symmetry" is anthropologist-ese for both sides of a person's face being a strong match -- meaning, for example, that one eyelid isn't a little droopier than the other. Facial or bodily asymmetry is an indicator of the presence of parasites or disease, and we evolved to be drawn to healthy people -- though we just think, "What a pretty face!" not "There's someone who isn't a foster home for tapeworms!"
I don't want to go too far into the weeds on why outer beauty might reflect good stuff on the inside. However, for one more example, Kanazawa and Still speculate about the personality benefit associated with being pretty (referencing evolutionary psychologist Aaron Lukaszewski's research): "Because physically attractive children are more likely to experience positive feedback from interpersonal interactions," they're more likely to develop an extroverted personality than less physically attractive children.
Getting back to you, just as previous research on "the beauty premium" failed to zoom in on the details, there's a good chance you're seeing your problem a little too broadly -- seeing "people" engaging in the "rude social assaults." Research on sex differences in competition by psychologist Joyce Benenson suggests it's probably women who are doing most or all of the sneering.
Men -- from childhood on -- tend to be comfortable with hierarchy and openly duking it out for top spots in a way women are not. Women tend to engage in covert aggression -- like with frosty treatment and undermining remarks -- in hopes of making another woman dim her own shine and voluntarily relocate lower down the ladder.
The best way to combat such sniping in the moment is to go placid pokerface, treating their comments like lint to brush off. (There's little satisfaction in verbally battering somebody who doesn't appear to care.)
In the long run, however, your best bet is being somebody who's hard to hate. Research by behavioral economist Ernst Fehr suggests it's in our self-interest to be altruistic -- to engage in behavior that's somewhat costly to us (in, say, time or energy) in order to benefit other people. This means, for example, developing a reputation as someone who's always looking out for your colleagues' interests -- like by tipping off co-workers about opportunities and publicly cheering colleagues' achievements.
Finally, if I'm right that women are your main detractors, consider Benenson's observation that women show each other they aren't a threat through sharing vulnerabilities -- revealing weaknesses and problems. Ideally, of course, these should be difficulties along the lines of "Sorry I'm late. My car's a useless piece of tin" and not "Sorry I'm late. ANOTHER guy drove into a pole looking at me, and I had to wait with him for the ambulance."
"Don't hate me because I'm beautiful."
bkmale at February 7, 2018 6:49 AM
I am calling BS on this one.
The majority of men are not going to call her out on her beauty. A few men may speculate (behind closed doors) at how she advanced but in your face? The only men who would do that are ones you a) beat for promotions and b) shut down sexually.
There goes 50% of that complaint.
Women? I am guessing there is some confirmation bias here. Exactly how many catty comments has she heard to her face? How many were 'a friend told me this' i.e. hearsay?
This is a first world problem. Stay away from evil people.
FIDO at February 7, 2018 1:31 PM
I’m just surprised Amy got a letter from Ivanka Trump.
Isab at February 7, 2018 2:06 PM
"This is a first world problem. "
Because anthropology and psychology are first world fields of study?
Gog_Magog_Carpet_Reclaimers at February 7, 2018 3:29 PM
"...and did I mention that I'm a Korean idol singer?"
Fayd at February 8, 2018 7:54 AM
Her citations of anthropology and psychology dealt solely with what is considered beautiful (bilateral symmetry) and what factors tend to be associated with beauty (smarter and better adjusted).
A very pretty woman coming from a poor background or a poor part of the world thanks her lucky stars she has something to barter with to gain ground. Envious tears from the less blessed is almost irrelevant.
A rich bitch is upset that, being blessed, she has the occasional person bitch at her for her privilege. Why can't she have it all?
So a selfish attitude.
I am reminded of when Gwyneth Paltrow wore that 'fat suit' to see how the other half lives.
I'm guessing that she doesn't wish she could trade places. I sure wouldn't.
FIDO at February 8, 2018 9:44 AM
I have always said that if I had a chance to live my life over and could choose ONE of the following:
1) to be MUCH richer
2) to be MUCH smarter
3) to be MUCH more beautiful
I'd choose the great beauty every time.
If you are very beautiful, you can easily get money and don't need smarts, just enough to know you don't have to marry FOR money, just marry WITH money.
If you are very rich, you will either be able to buy better looks (surgery, botox, hair extensions, whatnot) or not give a shit what you look like. You also really don't need smarts.
If you are very smart, you also will not give a shit what you look like except for being clean and neat. Making money will be easy.
Being very beautiful makes your life easier and better no matter who you are or what you do. I've seen this and lived this for 80 years. Trust me.
Elizabeth at February 9, 2018 1:12 AM
Elizabeth,
I wonder if for women, being much more beautiful is the best choice, while for men, it would be being much richer.
Thomas Fullery at February 11, 2018 1:52 PM
Thomas,
I think it much depends upon what one actually wants. There's the old joke about how much better looking some men are when they stand on their wallets.
Rich women probably don't need a man with megabucks. I have met gigolos and spoken to the women who kept them. Almost all the women were candid with me and admitted that having a man who treated you like a queen as if he loved you was almost as good as having a man who treated you like a queen BECAUSE he loved you. I wonder if they knew that when I was introduced to the gigolo that he sized me up for his possible next meal ticket.
I've been told that most older men want a nurse or a purse. A woman's beauty doesn't mean that much to them any more. I don't know how true this is.
I wanted a very large family and a man who also wanted this PLUS having (or making) the money to afford us all in what we felt to be a decent lifestyle. It was MUCH easier for me to get this because I was smart (Mensa member) and very beautiful. I was once told that I was a great enchantress; I could charm birds out of trees AND back into them.
I am 80 now and the only person I want to be beautiful for is my husband. Everyone else gets clean and neat.
Thomas, have you figured out what you need and want? That's the first step. If you don't know where you are going, you'll wind up somewhere else.
Elizabeth at February 11, 2018 4:57 PM
Leave a comment