Waity Issues
I'm a married gay woman. Whenever I ask my wife to discuss some problem in our relationship, she'll say, "Can we talk about this tomorrow" (or "later")? Of course, there's never a "tomorrow." I end up feeling resentful, and this makes even a minor issue turn into a big deal. Help.
--Postponed
Putting things off is a relief in the moment but usually costs you big-time in the long run -- like when you procrastinate in going to the dermatologist until the mole on your neck has a girlfriend and a dog.
Procrastination -- the "See ya later, alligator!" approach to problem-solving -- is defined by psychologists as voluntarily delaying some action we need to take, despite our knowing that doing this will probably make the ultimate outcome much worse. Procrastinating seems seriously dumb, right? But consider the sort of tasks we put off. Chances are, nobody needs to nag you 45 times to eat cake or have what you're pretty sure will be mind-blowing sex.
Research by social scientists Fuschia Sirois and Timothy Pychyl suggests that procrastination is a form of mood management -- a knee-jerk emotional reaction to emotional stress that involves putting "short-term mood repair over long-term goal pursuit."
I know -- not exactly the stuff Valentine's Day cards are made of. But focus on the "knee-jerk" aspect of the mood management response. Psychologist Daniel Kahneman explains that our brain has two systems -- an instinctive, fast-responding emotional system that jumps right in and a slower rational system that we have to force to do its job.
That's because reasoning -- applying judgment to some dreaded problem -- takes what Kahneman calls "mental work." We have to make ourselves focus on the problem and then put cognitive energy into figuring things out. That's a grim chore -- the antithesis of a mood booster. And that's probably why there's a term "pay attention!" but there's no "pay emotion!" Emotion is automatic. It just busts out, all "An issue to discuss? Oh, wouldja look at the time?! I believe I'm five minutes late for moving to Florida!"
Because personality traits tend to be consistent over time and across situations, chances are, your wife has a habit of ducking all sorts of emotionally uncomfortable stuff. Understanding this -- as well as why we procrastinate -- can help you see her ducking as a human flaw rather than a sign that a particular human doesn't love her wife.
To keep resentment from poisoning your relationship, when she says "tomorrow..." say, "Awesome, babe. What time works for you?" Maybe even have a regular weekly wine 'n' chat. Ideally, the conversations should mostly be lovey-dovey, not the sort she prefers to have on the third Tuesday in never: "Okay, I could have my toenails pulled out with rusty pliers or have this conversation. This isn't to say I'm dreading it; I just want to give some thought to how attached I am to wearing open-toe shoes."
For more on the mechanics of procrastination, Google "instant gratification monkey."
Wallawalla Wanda at April 6, 2018 8:09 AM
Reciprocity.
Every time she ask anything of you say 'I will do it tomorrow'
Dishes, laundry, oil changes, sex, taking the trash to the curb the night before pick up.
And then never do it, once she gets upset point out you aren't doing anything other than what she does when you want to talk about something important to you
lujlp at April 10, 2018 3:41 PM
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