Waif Watchers
I'm a 33-year-old woman, and I've always been thin. I lost about 12 pounds after a tough breakup. I'm working on getting back to a healthier weight. However, people keep making cutting remarks about how thin I look. Yesterday a friend said, "You're so skinny it's gross!" I'd noticed that she'd gained quite a bit of weight, but I didn't say anything...because that would be rude! She made other digs about my weight, and upon hugging me goodbye, she said, "Eww, is that your shoulder bone?!" What's with this double standard? There'd be hell to pay if I said the slightest thing about anyone's weight gain.
--Tempted To Lash Back
It is more taboo than ever to make cracks about a woman's weight -- that is, unless she doesn't have a whole lot of it. Then it's open season: "Wow, what happened to you? Forget where the supermarket is?"
However, it probably is not "people" but "people who are female" who are thin-shaming you. Welcome to female intrasexual competition -- competition between women -- which is covert and sneaky (and thus poisonous) in a way male-on-male competition is not. Men, who evolved to be the warriors and protectors of the species, tend to be openly aggressive. A guy will give another guy a beat-down or publicly dis him: "Yeah, bro, sure you can get a chick to go home with you -- if you've got five grand for a sex robot."
Psychologist Tracy Vaillancourt explains that women seem to have evolved to avoid physical confrontations (and in-your-face verbal attacks that can lead to them), which jeopardize a woman's ability to have children or fulfill her function as an infant's principal caregiver and meal provider. Women instead engage in "indirect aggression" to "reduce the mate value of a rival," like by "disparaging the competitor's appearance ... or using derisive body and facial gestures to make the rival feel badly about herself and thus less willing to compete." (Yeah, that's right. It seems "Mean Girls" was a documentary.)
The tricky thing about these indirect attacks is the plausible deniability they confer. Call a woman out for thin-shaming you and she's likely to duck behind "I'm just worried about your health!" So instead, simply tell her that remarks about your weight hurt your feelings. Speaking up like this says that you aren't likely to let any future digs slide, yet you remain on moral high ground -- instead of giving back in kind: "Wow, looks like you've been exercising a lot. Do you do the backstroke in frosting?"
You lost me with "Yesterday a friend said..." I don't see that as an acceptable comment from someone who supposedly LIKES you. Amy is right; these are ATTACKS. I'd find better friends.
Elizabeth Falkner at June 20, 2018 6:16 AM
I have no problem with shutting this kind of thing down with a mild slap-back. It's not the highest moral ground but it focuses on their behavior vs. physical characteristic.
Something like "I know, I was worried about the weight loss also. Fortunately, my stats are still good and my nutrition plan is sound, so I should be back to a more suitable weight in time."
She can't really snipe back at you on that without blowing up the plausible deniability angle. And it gets in the point that you are DOING something about it without pointing any fingers.
tasha at June 20, 2018 6:29 AM
I have been in this same position. A very overweight coworker kept making comments about the amount of food I eat, and my weight. I finally had enough and asked her if she cared to make another comment, because when she was done, I had some for her regarding her weight. She then shut up and didn't say it again. I really didn't want to say something nasty, but if she had gone on to justify her comments because its ok to make fun or judge thin people, I would have let her have it.
Stormy at June 20, 2018 8:13 AM
The fat friend is super-jealous, no one has been able (or willing) to find her shoulder bones for a couple decades.
@Stormy: Brilliant! Well-played!
bkmale at June 20, 2018 10:59 AM
It's considered less rude to point out traits that are desirable than traits that are not.
NicoleK at June 20, 2018 11:19 AM
"I'm just worried about your health" is the line fat people get too, interestingly,.
NicoleK at June 20, 2018 11:21 AM
I've seen people (always WOMEN) make comments to my always thin cousin, and it's usually "It must be nice always being thin." to which she replies "It must be nice having boobs." this shuts it down quickly
MichaelM at June 22, 2018 5:51 AM
"Waif Watchers"...another great one, Amy.
I think Nicole nailed it as to why there's a double standard.
JD at June 23, 2018 10:47 AM
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