Keeping It Rio
This girl I've been dating for two months is soon going to Brazil for three months! We aren't officially committed, so it seems unfair to ask her to be monogamous. We plan to stay in touch, but I don't want to hear about her with other dudes, and selfishly, I don't want to stay home, all celibate like some war bride.
--Realistic Or Cracked?
It's very considerate of you to suggest three months sexually off leash, as she is traveling to the ancestral homeland of male supermodels, where a chunk of the GNP is dependent on Carnival -- a weeklong drinking, samba, and sex fest.
The problem is jealousy, one of our guard dog emotions. Evolutionary psychologist David Buss explains that jealousy rises up automatically to help us fend off "potential mate poachers" and prevent a mate from "defecting." Because it's set on "auto," it can be hard to override.
That said, though you don't have a committed relationship with this woman -- let alone an "open" one -- you might be able to make use of a psychological tactic of people in sexually open relationships. It's called "compersion" -- taking pleasure in your partner's getting pleasure, even if it's from some other, uh, provider. Granted, this is probably about as realistic for most people as their Ubering to a party via unicorn. However, it dovetails nicely with my fave quote about love, from sci-fi writer Robert Heinlein: "Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own."
Float the idea of planned cooperative ignorance, and ask her to think on it for a few days. (People often have more reasoned responses to hot-button issues when they aren't expected to reply pronto.) Also, it doesn't hurt that she's the one wintering where stone-sober women are tempted to stop men on the street with "Excuse me, but would you mind if I licked black beans off your ridiculously chiseled abs?"
I dunno. I foresee a problem where one gets lucky and the other doesn't. And everything is found out.
I'm gonna say if you're so eager to hook up with other people it sounds like you're not into her to begin with. This might be a good excuse to end things.
NicoleK at February 14, 2019 2:30 AM
I disagree Nicole. This is really about coming to an agreement and then respecting it. That will tell you a lot about that person's values.
You agree no sex with others and you honor the agreement (or not). So you're a trustworthy person (or not) when you give your word.
You agree it's ok to date or have sex with others. One "gets lucky" and the other doesn't. How you respond to that outcome reveals whether you are a reasonable and/or kind person and how you respond to your partner's circumstances.
Tasha at February 14, 2019 8:05 AM
One could expect one's SPOUSE to remain monogamous during a 3 month small-S separation. Likewise, one's FIANCE(E) or one's STEADY.
But a girlfriend...of two months?
Treat it like you're high school sweethearts going away to colleges in different time zones. Remain friends. Give each other permission to date other folks. Wish each other well. Agree to not discuss any liaisons, if it helps.
If you two meant to be together, you'll be together. If not, it's best to know now. "If you love something, set it free..." and all that.
Taylor at February 15, 2019 9:56 AM
If she's, at a minimum, reasonably attractive, she will undoubtedly get hit on and, in my opinion, it's quite likely she'll take at least one of the guys (and probably more) up on their offer. So, if you don't want to be celibate while she's gone, my advice would be to find a woman (or two.)
Since you've only been dating for two months and since it's far easier for a woman to get laid than it is for a man (unless, of course, the man is gay) the scenario where you have sex while she's gone and she does not is highly unlikely.
JD at February 18, 2019 2:41 PM
If it were me, I'd definitely want a "don't ask, don't tell" agreement. Back when my (now ex-) wife had a boyfriend, there was a stretch of at least a year when I was 90% sure what was going on, and I wasn't much bothered. Then I learned something that made it 100%, and (to my surprise) it hit me hard.
Rex Little at February 21, 2019 8:36 AM
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