Questions For Retarded Terrorists
Perhaps my French unsucks a lot more than I think, or perhaps it was just a random error, but somebody at Charles de Gaulle airport gave me the wrong form to fill out to get back into the United States. I didnít realize it until Iíd answered a few questions:
A. Do you have a communicable disease; physical or mental disorder; or are you a drug abuser or addict?
Um, yeah. I should probably be chained to a bed somewhere, what's a little TB among friends?, and I hope it doesnít take long at the border because I gotta hurry up and score some crack.
B. Have you ever been arrested or convicted for an offense or crime involving moral turpitude or a violation related to a controlled substance; or been arrested or convicted for two or more offenses for which the aggregate sentence to confinement was five years or more; or been a controlled substance trafficker; or are you seeking entry to engage in criminal or immoral activities?
Immoral? What do you mean, exactly, by "immoral"? If the goat is consenting, do you really have a problem with it?
C. Have you ever been or are you now involved in espionage or sabotage; or in terrorist activities; or genocide; or between 1933 and 1945 were you involved, in any way, in persecutions associated with Nazi Germany or its allies?
Hmmm...um, what Mohammed Atta said.
D. Are you seeking to work in the United States...?
Am I seeking to work in the United States? Duh. Youíd like me to suck off the public trough? What kind of dumb question is that?
Since it's beyond obvious to anyone with an IQ over 22 that you have to answer "no" to all these questions, or have various and sundry border patrol types poking various and sundry cold steel implements up various and sundry orifices, I got a little worried. It finally occurred to me that I might have the wrong form. I stopped a flight attendant and asked. Indeed I did. It was the I-94W form for ìnonimmigrant visitorsî without visas (except foreign journalists, who get strip-searched and packed off home, and have their lipliner confiscated as a national security threat, if they accidentally come in with the I-94W instead of a special media visa). As I filled out the correct form, given to me by the flight attendant, I reflected on all the undesirables the Justice Department must be tripping up with the I-94W; most notably, the autistic wing of Al Qaeda.
Common, Amy ... terrorists are religious fantatics, so OF COURSE they're going to answer ALL questions honestly. What would Mohammed do?
Howard Owens at November 23, 2003 11:48 AM