Children Of Gay Parents Come Out of The Closet
According to the 2000 Census, more than 150,000 same-sex couples have at least one kid under 18 in the home. And that doesn't account for kids with a gay parent living outside the home, says a Newsweek story by Dirk Johnson and Adam Piore -- which also draws on the research of my friend, Judy Stacey, now an NYU sociology professor:
For every child, adolescence can be exhilaratingóand hellish. For kids of gays, the vast majority of them heterosexual (research shows that kids of gays are not more likely to be gay themselves), it can mean being caught between two worlds and feeling at odds with both. These are kids who love their parents and fear that bigots will hurt them, or that the courts will try to remove them from their homes. Beyond that they feel left out of the discussion. Bystanders in the culture wars, they are often reduced to caricatures: social conservatives tend to see them as damaged goods being reared by immoral pseudoparents; liberals are eager to cast them as comfortable and carefreeóthe Huxtables with a minor wrinkle. In fact, these kids often know isolation and fear of rejection from peers, as well as the shame and anger that come with lying about your family.At first, Christine Bachman, a blond teen with a sunny disposition who lives in suburban Boston, found that hiding the truth was easy. Her father, who is gay, had gone to live in New York when Christine was little. She spent many weekends with him, but simply told friends her parents were divorced and that her dad lived elsewhere. Ultimately, though, she began to feel disloyal about making her dad invisible. She didn't know what to expect when, in the eighth grade, she screwed up her courage, and read a letter she wrote to her class. She spoke of the dad "I love so very much" being gay. Suddenly, a thunderous roar of approval swept the room. "They gave me a standing ovation," she says with glee. "I was very surprised."
The stress on these kids can come as much from within the home as outside it. Kids of gays say their parents often unwittingly, and with good intentions, place high demands on them to show that gay parents can raise children who live up to the all-American ideals of their straight counterparts. For Kyle, that pressure came from within herselfó"so you can prove," she says, "your family's not so bad." In her bedroom, adorned with posters of the bands Simple Plan and Good Charlotte, she spends hours studying to earn top marks. She is on the school debate team. She runs the video camera for the cheerleading squad at Friday-night football games. She volunteers at an elementary school on Saturdays. She teaches dog training on Tuesdays. She did find time to attend her first homecoming dance with her boyfriend Anthony. Even as she soars, she feels the burden of having to be a model kid.
Studies have generally found few differences between children raised by gay parents and those reared by heterosexual ones. In one of the most widely cited reports, sociologists Judith Stacey and Timothy Biblarz in 2001 found that kids of gays have as much self-esteem as those of straights. But the former University of Southern California scholars also found, not surprisingly, that sons and daughters of gays tend not to be as rigid about traditional sex roles. The boys of lesbiansómost of the research has centered on kids raised in female same-sex householdsówere found to be more nurturing than their counterparts, while the girls were a bit more aggressive. These girls were also a bit more sexually adventurous, the boys somewhat more restrained.
Elizabeth Wall, 15, of Lawrenceville, N.J., whose fathers just celebrated their 25th anniversary, says kids of gays are just like their peers, but have been taught to be more tolerant of differences. "We might be more open because we grew up taught to love everyone," says Elizabeth. It's not always easy. She recently organized a day of silence at her school to mark the deaths of people to homophobic violence. A dozen or so kids from a church group surrounded her and her friends, chanting "It's not OK! It's not OK!" Elizabeth tries to shrug it off. But she's just a teenager. "It's hard," she acknowledged. "You want people to like you."
People on both sides of the issue agree on one thing: the number of kids raised by same-sex parents will continue to climb.
I have a class with her right now (Sexual Diversity in Society)- she's very cool.
Kate at October 11, 2004 12:07 PM
Tell Judy I said hi. Lucky you, taking her class.
Amy Alkon at October 11, 2004 11:59 PM
Haha, I actually did tell her today that I saw her research in your blog. She said "Oooooooooohhh Amy, she is so wonderful, we used to go have drinks when we lived in the same area, she is hilarious and manic and has the most adorable dog she dresses in little clothes". She didn't say it in that long run-on sentence, though.
Kate at October 12, 2004 2:10 PM
I think Prof. Stacey had a bit of a crush on Amy. Like me and a lot of other people.
Lena and the Angry Clit at October 13, 2004 9:49 PM