Claws For Confusion
Unbelievably, after I was dropped by a certain paper -- not because my column was bad, the editor told me, but because they wanted to run somebody local -- the mediocre local writer and thinker they picked up after ditching me emailed me to ask me to help her syndicate herself!
I nixed that idea, and took a quick look at her column, which contained such great original wit and wisdom as "everything happens for a reason." In a rare moment of maturity and restraint, I avoided taking any jabs at the quality of her work when I informed her why my column was dropped, and said, thanks, but I thought I'd pass on offering her syndication advice (which I really don't do for anybody, as responding via email and mail to as many requests for love advice as I can is my priority).
ME: Um, forgive me, but your editor fired me to pick up your column -- but not because I sucked, but because I am not local -- so maybe I'm not so interested in offering you syndication advice?
Besides, while I'm happy to -- and do -- help my friends, whose minds and work I respect, why would I help a stranger whose work I've never even seen? Well, the chick actually writes back and chides me for not giving her free assistance!
OTHER COLUMNIST: Obviously that's your prerogative, but I would hope you would see it as a nice thing to do rather than a disadvantage to your career....I can't speak to the reasons why the paper decided to try going the local route but they did keep one syndicated column in the line-up. I suppose the best person for the job was chosen. Have a wonderful day.
Oh, barf. I wrote back, not so mature and restrained this time, flicking in that hackneyed "everything happens for a reason" line from her column for good measure.
ME: Never assume, in daily newspapers, that "the best person" gets the job. It's kind of like assuming "everything happens for a reason," which is irrational and idiotic.
Dumb girl, she bites. And writes back:
OTHER COLUMNIST: I'm a believer in "everything happens for a reason" - it's not idiotic or irrational in my book. That said, I was not referring to my column when I said I supposed the best person for the job was chosen.
Now I just can't help myself:
ME: Oh, when little kids are killed in genocide in Sudan, what reason do you think that happens for? When all these young men and women -- and not just Americans -- are being killed in Iraq before they've lived -- what reason do you think that happens for? When a four-year-old dies terribly painfully of cancer at four? What reason do you think that happens for? And based on what? The truth is, your belief is based on zero evidence. Thus, it's irrational and idiotic to believe, and I would be embarrassed to think or say it -- and, especially, to print it in the newspaper and put my name on it. Let's just say, you're not exactly Bertrand Russell. Neither am I at this point, but at least I appear to be trying. PS You can Google him to find out who he is.
Meee-YOW!
Speaking of claws, the TSA has promised to stop feeling up redheads at the airport:
TSA modifies pat-downs to exclude breast area
Thursday, December 23, 2004 Posted: 1:13 AM EST (0613 GMT)
WASHINGTON (CNN) -- The Transportation
Security Administration announced late
Wednesday that it is modifying pat- down
procedures at airports -- a decision that
comes after hundreds of complaints, most
of them from women, that the procedure is
too intrusive.
The article goes on to explain that the "breast area" proceeds west of a line from Chicago to Memphis but only south of the Dakotas. Government is making us safer.
Cridland at December 23, 2004 12:23 PM
How early does a girl have to wake up to get a scoop on her own blog!?
Amy Alkon at December 23, 2004 12:42 PM
Hurrah to you for being a bitch when that was exactly what was called for. Unfortunately, that snotty little thing probably dosen't have the intelligence to know what hit her, or why.
Diana at December 23, 2004 3:27 PM
You are fantastic, but I need to know: did she have the temerity to write back? I imagine her at her desk, brow furrowed, trying to come up with Frosted Flakey reasons for genocide and torture.
nancy at December 23, 2004 6:44 PM
One of the things that irritates me to no end is when people ask me for something when I do not know them at all. My first inclination is to ask, "I'm sorry, what is your first name?" Of course, due to not inconsiderable residual parental guilt, I have been known to succumb to such unreasonable requests on some occasions. However, in this particular case, I believe I would have responded simply, the first time: F* off. So much for eloquence.
Well done, Amy - although I'm sure you could see this email correspondence devolving into the cat fight it became, you still did your best to convey your position in a reasonable fashion until dildo-head (was that my outside voice) decided to strike first.
Goddyss at December 23, 2004 7:04 PM
She did write back. Naturally, she couldn't argue with my logic, so she just called me a bitch, a title I'm proud to wear whenever life requires it:
OTHER COLUMNIST: Ya know, I'm not sure how a simple request for syndication advice turned into an Amy Slamming (OTHER COLUMNIST) situation, but it's actually quite funny at how much of a bitch you are being. Boy..Merry Christmas to you too!
You are assuming a lot in regards to me and I can't figure out why someone who is so busy with the hundreds of mail they get every week is wasting her energy on being nasty to someone who didn't know that you are still sensitive to being dumped by one newspaper. Had I known the PAPER dropped you, I would have never contacted you because, unlike you, I am not insensitive.
Please don't respond...I don't want your negativity to ruin your day or take up my mailbox space.
MY REPLY: I'm very open about being a bitch, and not the least bit ashamed of it. It helps me rail against irrationality, mediocrity, and narcissistic assholes in giant SUVs. I'm plenty generous with my friends who are writers, whose minds and work I respect, but find it peculiar that a total stranger would chide me for not being "generous enough" (or however you put it) to give her free career advice. Just be glad I only got into critiquing that one line, by the way, because there's always that temptation, with one as bitchy, immature, and insensitive as I am, to really go to town. No need to respond to this message!
PS Do Google "Bertrand Russell" one of these days.
Amy Alkon, opinionated bitch at December 23, 2004 7:25 PM
PS my pal, Terry Rossio, wanted me to call my column, Amy Alkon, opinionated bitch, but I thought it would cut down considerably on my ability to eat and wear clothes not bought at Goodwill, so I opted for Advice Goddess instead.
Amy Alkon at December 23, 2004 7:28 PM
Columnist's name, please? Name of other paper, please? Come on, Amy, why hold out on us now?
Cathy Seipp at December 23, 2004 8:25 PM
I pay my own libel-slander insurance policy, and I can't afford it to go up.
Amy Alkon, opinionated bitch at December 23, 2004 8:36 PM
Also, I didn't ask her for permission to publish her comments under her name -- and I'm pretty sure she wouldn't give it!
Amy Alkon at December 23, 2004 8:37 PM
[...] so I opted for Advice Goddess instead
Or how about, "Godless Advice?"
RKN at December 23, 2004 10:35 PM
I'm too much of a career hoor for that. Sometimes, covert measures seem prudent -- especially for those who prefer earning a living to trying to scrape one together on the dole.
Amy Alkon, opinionated bitch at December 23, 2004 10:53 PM
Bitch on Wheels rides again! Hey, Amy, could you please help me get on the Dennis Miller Show? Huh? Couldja? Huh? Why not? Bitch!
Curtis at December 24, 2004 7:26 AM
I noticed today thaty your column wasn't in my local "alternative" weekly this week, The Memphis Flyer. Is that the paper you are referring to?
Kevin at December 25, 2004 1:49 AM
No, they're still running me -- as far as I know -- but can you please email them and let them know you noticed it wasn't in, and want to read it, so they'll keep me?!
Amy Alkon at December 25, 2004 2:47 AM
uh...I just googled Bertrand.
A.Ho at December 25, 2004 5:22 AM