Revenge For Two
A lovely little tale by a Manhattan waiter:
“Good evening gentleman. May I get you something from the bar? A glass of wine or a cocktail?” I ask in greeting.“We’ll have tea,” the thinner of the two sniffs.
Oh great. Tea for an aperitif. I’ve got the last of the big time spenders.
“Do you have lapsang souchong?” the fat one inquires, his lower lip trembling.
“I’m afraid we don’t but we have a nice selection of other teas. I’ll bring the tea box.”
“Mmmmm, no lapsang,” Fatty murmurs sadly.
“Sorry sir.”
“Just fetch the tea box,” Thin orders.
Fetch? I think about emitting a little bark but think the better of it.
Now, any waiter will tell you that serving tea is a monumental pain in the ass. Unlike coffee, tea requires about a dozen accoutrements for its preparation and presentation. First you have to lug out a tea box the size of a cigar humidor, stand around while the patron agonizes over the selection, run back to the kitchen, steep the cup in hot water, assemble saucer, spoon, biscotti, lemon, milk /cream, lemon wedge, sugar bowl (which better have every cancer causing brain cell killing artificial sweetener ever cooked up in a lab), a miniature teapot of scalding water, and, finally, honey. God forbid you forget a single thing.
Imagine doing that for five different tables at the same time and you get a taste of my pain.
I deliver the tea humidor to the Bohemians. There are about a hundred tea packets in the box. They flip through every single one. After what seems like an eternity Fatty pulls out four herbal teas and a bag of Lipton. Thin draws out five herbals and a decaf Lipton. I stand there in confusion. How much tea are they going to drink?
“Well aren’t you going to get us some hot water?” Thin huffs impatiently.
“Sorry sir,” I say, beating a retreat to the kitchen.
When I return, tray laden with supplies, I notice there are only two bags of Lipton tea on the table. The other nine tea bags have vanished. (continued)
A fabulous tale of just desserts after the tea!
Doug at February 21, 2005 9:35 AM
Not all tea drinkers are pains in the ass.
I don't drink coffee or caffinee. But I am happy to just ask for any decaf tea with no lemon, sugar, honey or anyother nonsense.
alex at February 21, 2005 9:55 AM
Of course you Americans are incomprehensible when it comes to serving tea (et les Français également). You correctly understand that to make a cup of decent coffee, the ground coffee has to come into contact with boiling water. You would not serve coffee by bringing a ration of coffee to the table together with some water which is hot but no longer boiling. So WTF do you think this is an OK way to serve tea???????
El Inglés at February 21, 2005 1:46 PM
"you Americans..."
Where are you, Stu?
eric at February 21, 2005 8:33 PM
This piece of string walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says "Hey, we don't serve string here. I'm gonna have to ask you to leave." So the string steps outside, ties himself into a knot, messes up his hair, walks back in, and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender scowls and says "Aren't you that piece of string I just threw out of here?" To which the string replies: "Fraid not!"
diana nauseates at February 21, 2005 9:25 PM
> Where are you, Stu?
In Soggy S. California, but not of S.S.C.
HINT: run 'El Inglés' through sp-en Babelfish (or perhaps re-read 'For Whom the Bell Tolls')...
Stu "El Inglés" Harris at February 22, 2005 5:46 AM
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