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Love You Just The Way You Were

nnicegrapefruits copy.jpg

I just posted a new Advice Goddess column -- from a guy who doesn't know how he can live with his girlfriend's huge fake titties. Here's an excerpt from my answer:

A lot of guys hate bought boobs, but maybe you could’ve lived with your girlfriend’s if she’d opted for the medium instead of the Supersized. Being with a girl with freakishly huge fake breasts is a bit like being a celebrity -- the negative bit, that is. Just as Cindy Crawford can’t pick her nose in public without it making the international press, you can’t get a cup of coffee without the guy behind the counter asking your girlfriend’s nipples if he can take their drink order.

Unless her sweater hippos spring a leak, they aren’t going to get any smaller -- and neither will your feeling that they’re ugly, tacky, and embarrassing. Where you went wrong was in being so eager to make it work with her that you ignored your feelings, pretending that you might someday have the hots for what grosses you out. You may like her, and mostly enjoy being with her, but there’s a part of her you just can’t accept -- the part that paid thousands of dollars for a look that screams “Hooters is hiring!”

The right time to end this was the moment you saw the pontoons bursting out of her tiny top and felt the impulse, not to dive in, but to cover them with a tarp. Well, better way too late than even later. You don’t have to reveal what you really think of Dr. Frankenstein’s work. Just tell her you’re a low-key guy, and you’re always going to feel out of sorts with the crowds she draws with her chest. In the long run, she’ll be happier with somebody whose aesthetic ideal runs more to the circus-sized -- as will you, once you find a woman whose idea of beauty isn’t looking like the gas station attendant stuck an air hose down her bra and went to lunch.

The guy's question and the rest of my answer are at the link above.

Grapefruits photo hijacked from Gregg Sutter.

Posted by aalkon at May 12, 2006 9:51 AM

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I have zero practical experience with bogus dairies. But Pinsky once said enlargement surgery is not a single event, but the beginning of a series of procedures, because they almost always need tune-ups every few years... At least until the bearer gets tired of them and has them removed.

So maybe the guy should just hang on for a few years. So to speak.

Posted by: Crid at May 12, 2006 12:11 AM

That's absolutely true. And it's major surgery. And PS, I saw the photo of this girl, and found them very Barnum & Bailey.

Posted by: Amy Alkon at May 12, 2006 12:12 AM

As the French say: "mieux vaut avoir des petits fours que des gros pâtés"= better to have cute petits fours than big muffins -- or something like that ;)

Posted by: Frog in L.A. at May 12, 2006 10:05 AM

Yow! Emotional support animals and now guys who eschew bigguns, fake or otherwise. What is this world coming to?

Posted by: Mao See Tung at May 13, 2006 2:01 AM

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