Advice Goddess Blog
« Previous | Home | Next »



photo by Gregg Sutter

I'm getting buried by spam comments, so I've disabled live links from my comments. Feel free to post links, but you can post just the text, no "href" to make them live. Sorry, but it's completely horrible and terribly time-consuming to deal with all this spam.

Find me a spammer and I will melt the person into a small, coin-like lump with my angry glare alone. I am a libertarian. I don't believe in ever touching another person (you know, my right to punch you in the nose ends where your nose begins and all that)...but if I obliterate you from existence with the sheer force of my rage, well that's just tough shit for you, now isn't it?

Oh yeah, and yesterday, in addition to all the spambots hitting me with multiple posts hawking masturbation helpers, hairy pussy, and various pharmaceuticals, some Wisconsin realtor apparently thought he'd leave a little turd advertising his business in my comments on a site I pay for and work very hard on. Just wondering, but what about reading anything I write would suggest I'd be a wise person to shit on?

I just left the guy a voicemail at his office that he's not going to enjoy. The moron left his work phone number in his spam, complete with his extension. I wish they'd all do that. I give really good phone when I'm so mad I'm beyond screaming at people.


UPDATE: The Wisconsin realtor in fact left so much information in the spam (which, by the way, he claimed not to have posted or know anything about) that I easily accessed his cell phone number. Since I'm sitting here deleting my spam now, at 12:10 am Pacific Time, I decided to dial him in Wisconsin immediately and ask whether he was one of the guilty parties hijacking the fruits of my labors to shill his business.

Not wanting to bother a possibly innocent man, I looked up the IP address. It came from a Wisconsin IP, not one in Romania or The Netherlands. And, lo and behold, it seems I didn't scroll down far enough into the meat of his spam at first glance, because the guy (or his mysterious spam fairy!) appears to have left a recitation of his entire resume within the comments spam! Including his personal interests! Yawn.

Hint to the dull: If you're Selene Luna, Luke Ford, Luke Thompson, or Little Shiva, we want to know what the hell you do in your spare time. If you are...not...we are under-interested, to say the least.

Here's the extent of realtor boy's resume turd somebody dropped on my site (remember, he claims he didn't leave it -- must have been the spam fairies!):

1983 U of W Stevens Point-Bachelor of Science, Business Adminstration
1989 MSTI-Certificates:Supervision, Management,& Accounting
1992 Rasmussen Business College- Certificate:Human Resource Management
1997 Graduate, Wisconsin School of Real Estate
1999 Graduate, Realtors Institute (GRI)
1999 ABR Trained (Approved Buyers Representative)
2004 Certified Residential Specialist (CRS)
8 Years of Real Estate Experince
I've lived in the St. Point area for 11 years and been involved in social groups, YMCA, volunteer work, property management, and church functions.
My personal interests are: baseball, basketball, football, hiking(especially Devils Lake area), biking(sometimes long distance charitable rides), tennis, golfing, racquetball and boating.

I'm not going to post his name and give him free advertising, but when I called him, and he repeatedly refused to own up, I asked him how it was possible that some Romanian spambot had access to such personal information about him: Church functions! YMCA! Hiking (especially "Devils Lake area" -- P.S. you forgot the apostrophe, twitass). And if he didn't post the spam in my comments, as he continued to insist he didn't, was some eastern-bloc spammer spending his time posting Wisconsin real estate agent ads out of the goodness of his shriveled little heart?

As Faye Dunaway as Joan Crawford said:


If you do, you might get a wakeup call or two. Typically when I'm working out my last little bits of righteous indignation of the day before I crash. Pacific Time.


Oh yeah, and one more thing -- there's a posted price for spamming me:

If you're a filthy vandal, posting stuff with a commercial link in it on my blog to further your link share on Google, so you can sell more penis pills or separate more fools and their money with your auto loans, just to name a few; please be advised of the cost of doing so: $4,995 per entry, starting immediately, which would be 2:52pm, Sunday, May 2 (2004). Oh, and there's nothing that would please me more than to drag your sleazy spamming ass to small claims court and sue you blind for the money.

Posted by aalkon at June 4, 2006 11:58 AM

Trackback Pings

TrackBack URL for this entry:


Amy, I feel for you and the comment spam thing.

But before you come down on this real estate sap like the CGI version of a Left Behind fan's wet dream, I think you should consider the alternate hypothesis that his buddy or disgruntled client thought it would be a real hoot to post this guy's name, phone number, fax, resume, etc., on the blog of a woman who revels in carrying out holy jihad againt anyone who ever slights her.

Just becuase the IP address was in Wisconsin doesn't prove it was him. It could have been his next-door neighbor or officemate. Maybe this guy parked his SUV across two parking spaces, and this is someone's revenge.

Posted by: Shivering Timbers at June 4, 2006 6:08 AM

That's the reason I didn't post the guy's name and I stated the truth throughout -- he says he didn't do it, and I have no proof he did -- just my suspicions. Believe me, it was tempting. And frankly, there was just too much personal information here, in my opinion, for it to be a scammer. Also, the guy was extremely uninquistive on the phone as to who I was. I mean, a woman wakes you up at 3am and accuses you of posting on her site -- do you not ask "What site?" and maybe write it down? I wrote a dialogue polish on a feature film (never made) that helped me finance syndicating my column. I don't write features at all, but I just hear language in my head -- down to the rhythm of speech -- in a way most people probably don't. In other words, I am pretty good at sussing out whether the people are speaking the truth based on how they speak and what they say.

And PS I just spent the past half hour deleting comments spam, and I still have piles to go. And I'm on deadline for both Hustler and my column.

Posted by: Amy Alkon at June 4, 2006 7:18 AM

> a woman wakes you up at 3am and
> accuses you of posting on her site

After struggling all the years struggling on the phone to deal with New York offices for financial chores and so forth, the PST zone finally delivers a blessing: REVENGE!

> I just spent the past half hour deleting
> comments spam

Above and beyond the call. Eventually you'll get bored with this and give it up, our hearts will break, and I'll need a new site to use as a morning crossword puzzle.

This blog commenting thing has been going on for a few years. I don't understand why better, more-flexible software isn't available at competitive prices.

Posted by: Crid at June 4, 2006 12:13 PM

No, I'm addicted to this and all of you, and I was actually sort of worried that you'd all left me, as I didn't have many comments for the past few days!

And Gregg, who's been working very hard lately, is going to fix this, as he always does, in the next few days. It just all of a sudden became a huge problem.

Movable Type 3.2 was supposed to be a better solution for spam, but for a lot of people, for some reason I don't understand, it doesn't stop spam like the old MT Blacklist did. It seems like you can put back Blacklist with a code change, or use a plug-in called Akismet, but Gregg is the arbiter of all things technical, and I'm just the lucky beneficiary.

Part of the reason spam deletion is so time consuming, by the way, is that I have to select for key words within the spam and delete by separate spam batches. I do this so I won't delete any real comments. So far, this has happened only three times in about the past nine months, but I hate for it to happen at all. At least in one case, Deja's, I was able to rescue it after she said something. Norman's comment and Ben David's were lost, which I feel terrible about.

Posted by: Amy Alkon at June 4, 2006 12:21 PM

I don't have anything like your traffic so don't know from comparable experience : but do have logs of traffic stopped by Akismet - a download I use on my Wordpress blog. It's kept separate for review.

Ezra Klein has been going through the torments of the damned with spam comment lately. He sounds like he's having a good hair-tearing party, too.

Re: the idjit,there may be a possibility someone may have turned this guy's computer into a 'bot.

Posted by: opit at June 4, 2006 1:09 PM

I'm not a techie but my hubby is, and he says that there are software solutions to end your predicament. They may not get rid of *all* spam.,but at least if you're wide awake at night, it will be for good reasons, not filtering spam ;)

Posted by: Frog in L.A. at June 4, 2006 9:23 PM

Thank you so much. I had them in the last MT installation. This one's worse at stopping spam. My boyfriend is going to deal with this in the next few days.

And thanks, Opit...we're looking into Askismet -- it works for MT now, too, besides just WordPress. Also, I believe the old MT Blacklist can be made to work with a line inserted or omitted in the code.

I get about 10,000 visitors a day now (much more, actually), but with all the spam I'm getting, I think 10,000 are real, and the rest are from people selling penis enhancers.

Posted by: Amy Alkon at June 4, 2006 10:48 PM

A typo in that last para?

The number of regular posters seems small enough that we could hold a very select party if we were all in the same place and time. At a guess, I'd say we are just a few tens of people.

BTW I picked up a copy of "Free Advice" the other day - autographed by your three good selves. (Will it be worth a fortune one day? I hope so!) It's a good read. I'm leaving it where my 18-year-old daughter can find it.

Posted by: Norman at June 5, 2006 1:14 AM

I recently got spammed by a fellow in France who's biz with his wife is to teach French via the telephone. Of course his phone # was there so I gave him a call. His brilliant suggestion to his sending out spam was for me to remove all email links in my own site. Arrogant & clueless, what a cocktail that Brit was.

Posted by: Don at June 5, 2006 1:34 AM

Hilarious. Like saying "I wouldn't steal your TV if you didn't have one."

Actually, Norm, that's no typo. Many lurk, only a few comment. I've gone from 400 people a day when I first started blogging to 10,000 a day...and counting!

PS And thanks for buying the book!

Posted by: Amy Alkon at June 5, 2006 9:13 AM

Just a small correction. The quote from "Mommy, Dearest" is "DON'T FUCK WITH ME, FELLAS!"

Posted by: Patrick at June 5, 2006 11:39 AM

Hi Amy,

Love the picture of the bumper core yard. I see good money sitting in that picture. The Grand Prix bumper in the foreground brings good money to people that repair and resell them.

As for the comment spammers, bring em to their knees, and kick em when they are down. If they move again, kick harder.

Posted by: Bret at June 7, 2006 6:32 PM


Posted by: test at June 12, 2006 9:11 PM

Posted by: test2 at June 12, 2006 9:12 PM

Whomever is "testing" so they can spam me or do some malevolent shit, I'm the wrong person to do it to.

Posted by: Amy Alkon at June 12, 2006 9:53 PM

Leave a comment