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Member's Lonely
I just posted a new Advice Goddess column -- a question from a guy who's large on penis and short on personality. Of course, I got several e-mails from editors subject-headered "Yikes!" or "Oops!" and asking if I had a substitution they could run. Sigh. Here's the guy's letter:

This is gonna sound like a joke, but I swear it's not. I'm an unattractive guy (not hideous, but pretty ugly) who’s overweight and really socially awkward. When it comes to talking with women, I just clam up. About the only thing I have going for me is a huge penis. While attractive guys with tiny penises and ugly dudes with suave personalities can land women, I never even get a girl to go home with me, let alone get into a relationship, which is what I want. I know a lot of women don’t care about size, but I also know some do. Am I crazy to think some women would look past my faults if only they knew what I was packing?

--Big Loser

Here's my reply:

So, you’re fat, ugly, and socially awkward. Is there an armed guard keeping you out of the gym? Is the path to the salad bar mined with plastic explosive? And, before you enter a nightclub, does the bouncer slap duct tape over your mouth and tie one hand behind your back, so all you can do is use your one free hand to point to your massive rod?

Probably half the successful male comedians look like they fell face first out of the womb onto the ugly stick. But for a few exceptions, the other half look like they came out clutching it in their tiny little hands. These guys turned their shortcomings into a living and, in turn, a way to get girls -- instead of a reason to, say, reduce themselves to a live-action version of the Joey The Giant Genitalia cartoon from junior-high sex ed films.

Another unlikely chick magnet is the perpetually scrawny, sickly, 91-year-old psychotherapist Dr. Albert Ellis. A few years ago, he told me over lunch that he spent a good part of his childhood hospitalized -- keeping him from both dying and developing rudimentary social skills. At 19, he was determined to get over his terror of talking to girls. For a month, he went to the Bronx Botanical Garden every day, made himself sit down with any woman he saw alone on a bench, and gave himself a minute to strike up a conversation. He talked to 100 women and asked one out. She stood him up. But, the experience gave him the courage to approach the next 100, and then some, and actually score some dates. In 2004, he married a tall, blonde, Australian bombshell half his age. So, while many refer to him as “the father of cognitive-behavioral therapy,” I like to think of him as The Hugh Hefner Of Headshrinking.

Luckily for Ellis, he must not have had some huge tool in his pants to use as a crutch. Sure, there are a few size queens, but if they want a big penis without a personality, they’ll get the kind that runs on batteries. Stop reducing yourself to the sum of your one giant part. If you’re fat, get some exercise -- beyond all the calories you’re burning wallowing in self-pity. If you’re ugly, make up for it by dressing beautifully. Wear great shoes. Women like that. If you’re filled with self-loathing, read up on “unconditional self-acceptance” in Ellis’ book A Guide To Rational Living. Finally, do as Ellis did, and make yourself talk to girls. Maybe even tell them you’ve been shy all your life and you’re working to change it. That shows guts, which go over even better than great shoes. In other words, whether you want sex or a relationship, your big penis is probably your biggest stumbling block. Convince yourself you’re hung like a horsefly, and you might get some girls.


Posted by aalkon at August 1, 2006 8:27 AM

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Comments

I love it. I think you have the right attitude about what people need to stop doing to themselves.

Posted by: Claudia at August 1, 2006 9:58 AM

Amy: I should know by now there is no topic you will not meet head on. [There is a pun there, but let's not touch it.] You remind me of a friend who was a flight attendant... she always bragged she had "Brass Tits"

Posted by: Inkpad at August 1, 2006 6:32 PM

Why, thank you. After the Mel Gibson incident, I'm trying to encourage people to refer to me as "Sugar Tits."

Posted by: Amy Alkon at August 1, 2006 6:39 PM

This is possibly the most hiarious post I've read on this blog. Written with the usual AG wit. Laughed myself silly. Loved it!

Posted by: LA Frog at August 1, 2006 8:37 PM

Ooops, "hilarious". Sorry for the typo, hit Post while on the phone [bad bad].

Posted by: LA Frog at August 1, 2006 9:28 PM

Thank you so much. This is from my weekly column, which is, unfortunately, banned from the LA Times, but runs in a lot of papers, including the Orange County Register and Ventura County Reporter closest to here.

Posted by: Amy Alkon at August 2, 2006 1:18 AM

This one had me laughing out loud at the line about the bouncer and the duct tape. Too bad about the prudes who asked for a substitution. And the advice is right on, too. I had fun in bed one time with an enormous guy who might not have been all that in the looks department, but who had me laughing my ass off. He turned out to have skills beyond humor, too, which was a bonus.

Posted by: Little Shiva at August 2, 2006 7:54 AM

Amy, I need some advice.

After a long hiatus in relationships, I finally have met a woman-friend who's coming over to visit me. Is it appropriate to receive her at the door with flowers? Candy? I'd love to pamper her with an attractive bouquet or a gift. Please advice. Thanks much.

Posted by: Nparry at August 2, 2006 1:42 PM

I give advice via e-mail, not in my blog comments. Kindly email me at adviceamy@aol.com. Give details, too. Coming to visit you? What do you mean by that? How do you know her, for how long, etc.?

Posted by: Amy Alkon at August 2, 2006 3:38 PM

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