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Satan, 1; Alkon, 0
Okay, so the question revolved around penis size, but I was trying to help two people keep their 35-year marriage together.

Of course, I got a few complaints from readers on this one (of the "not fit for a family newspaper" variety). Here's one of them that came by mail:

SatanAndAmy.jpg

Satan and Amy, sittin' in a tree...

Posted by aalkon at November 30, 2007 2:47 PM

Comments

Filling people minds! Youth of any age!

Speaking of Satan, Hitchens is in a very special episode of Youtube with special cameo by Ayaan Hirsi Ali. And Dawkins and the other guys.

Posted by: Crid at November 30, 2007 12:45 AM

Also, show of hands...

When you see someone so afraid of their creator that they type God as "G**", do you get a vibe of respectful devotion or of infantile terror?

Posted by: Crid at November 30, 2007 12:48 AM

I laugh. So, yes, vibe of infantile terror.

And thanks for the Youtube link...going to bed now, but will look tomorrow.

Posted by: Amy Alkon at November 30, 2007 1:00 AM

* *** ** **** the **** ****!!!

Posted by: Norman at November 30, 2007 1:27 AM

Says you, Norman. But I say that has no significance in filling people minds!

Posted by: Crid at November 30, 2007 1:34 AM

...K-I-S-S-I-N-G!! o_O

My mind bees full already!

Posted by: Flynne at November 30, 2007 5:40 AM

"...have no significance in filling people minds with things that are not good."

Well if there's so little significance, how can it possibly be a problem at the satanic level? We all make typo's, but sheesh...that doesn't even make sense!

Poor satan, does he know there'll be no marriage or baby carriage in your future?

Posted by: moreta at November 30, 2007 5:46 AM

I always say (well, I don't actually, but it sounds cool) that you're nobody until some semi-literate cow calls you a Tool of Satan.

Posted by: Dean at November 30, 2007 5:53 AM

"Poor satan, does he know there'll be no marriage or baby carriage in your future?" Yes but wild pitch fork fun with no commitment. Where do i sign up?

Posted by: vlad at November 30, 2007 6:02 AM

Your trying to save a marriage and that's the reaction. I need to link this when people ask me why I thing most religious freaks are both nuts and semi literate.

Posted by: vlad at November 30, 2007 6:05 AM

Amy, you must see way too much of this sillyness. You have given sound advice again, but certaintly not everyone is going to appreciate your view. I would compare this to the law enforcement today, that would rather bust a pot head than catch someone doing a crime that causes injury or loss of property. Basically, it is more compelling to lash out at a perceived "easy target" than do what is actually necessary for the good of society. I would agree with Rachel on young people not reading your articles simply because they have not yet gone through any of the twisted bullsh!t with the type of relationships you write about, so they would be unable to really compute. Thankfully you will be around when that time comes!

Posted by: kbling at November 30, 2007 6:08 AM

Well, Amy, if your columns have "no significance in filling people's minds with things that are not good," then it sounds like what the letter-writer is really saying is that your columns aren't doing anything bad. Perhaps she's really a semi-literate Satanist?

I need to link this when people ask me why I thing most religious freaks are both nuts and semi literate.

Well, the POV from some religious types would be that focusing on sex inside of marriage is fine, and that the guy in question needed to stop letting his perceptions be warped by an over-sexualized society and value his wife. But generally, those types of people know how to spell "sleazy."

Posted by: marion at November 30, 2007 6:53 AM

The bible in the hands of some are worse than a bottle of whiskey in the hands of others.

Posted by: kg at November 30, 2007 7:01 AM

I’ve always heard that the higher the monkey climbs the pole, the more of their ass that you see.

Posted by: Roger at November 30, 2007 7:06 AM

:snarfle:
I almost choked on my coffee. Thanks. And Roger - oh my god. I have GOT to remember that.

Posted by: Anne at November 30, 2007 7:11 AM

You should see the difficulties I have explaining the state of the investigative arts to people who jam their face in the Bible and yammer about it.

Scott Adams used the term, "dynamically anti-clueful"; though awkward, it sums nicely the active measures feel-good religious people use to avoid anything that appears tough.

Posted by: Radwaste at November 30, 2007 7:18 AM

Well if there's so little significance, how can it possibly be a problem at the satanic level? We all make typo's, but sheesh...that doesn't even make sense!

She should spend a little less time getting indoctrinated in religion and a little more getting indoctrinated in grammar and spelling.

Posted by: Amy Alkon at November 30, 2007 7:22 AM

Great term, Rad.

And one of my favorites, Roger:

"Your proctologist called. They found your head."

Posted by: Amy Alkon at November 30, 2007 7:23 AM

Amy, the fact that your columns are upsetting to this woman means you're probably doing your job right. It's a real problem with the fundie types - they can't discuss so many things. If this woman has kids, what do you think the chances are that they're involved with a youthful pregnancy because mom can't talk about sex?

Posted by: justin case at November 30, 2007 7:47 AM

With those who e-mailed me, I pointed out that I was trying to help two people keep their marriage together. A girl can't win with the fundies!

Posted by: Amy Alkon Author Profile Page at November 30, 2007 8:02 AM

Well, ya know, some people are like Slinkies. They serve no practical purpose whatsoever, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs. o_O

Posted by: Flynne at November 30, 2007 8:07 AM

Hmmm... this appears to have been written by someone who'd lock their young daughter in a closet with nothing but a battery-powered Jesus with flashing red eyes.
For her own good, of course.

Posted by: Gog_Magog_Carpet_Reclaimers at November 30, 2007 8:28 AM

Flynne -- I'm stealing that one....actually made me LOL! (apologies for the text slang) My new co-workers are staring...must stop...

Posted by: moreta at November 30, 2007 8:46 AM

Umm... When was the last time you saw a youth (of any age) read a newspaper?

Posted by: christina at November 30, 2007 8:55 AM

Good point. It's partly because newspapers are so prissy, except for some alt weeklies. I loved when Chi Trib features ed Geoff Brown said they don't allow "double entendre." As I always like to say in response to such prissiness...kids are talking about teabagging on the playground. And cartoon characters in the comics pages can't make a slightly sexy joke?

Posted by: Amy Alkon at November 30, 2007 9:08 AM

That might not be the reason for his policy. I was born a short way down the coast of Lake Michigan, and it seemed like nothing was as dangerous as a Chicagoan who didn't get the joke. City of broad shoulders and all that. Royko & Lujack only made it seem like fun.

Posted by: Crid at November 30, 2007 9:44 AM

Wow, Amy Alkon, spawn of Satan! :D

These are the remarks that prove us that, for some people, the biological center of reasoning is located next to their colon...

Posted by: Toubrouk at November 30, 2007 9:47 AM

My favorite comes from Bert Gummer (Michael Gross) in the Tremors movies,

"Is your head up your ass for the warmth?"

Posted by: Conan the Grammarian at November 30, 2007 9:53 AM

Flynne - there is now soda sprayed across my keyboard and monitor. Inconvenient, but worth it for the laugh! Must remember that one.

Posted by: Allison at November 30, 2007 10:03 AM

It seems like the only people still reading newspapers as their primary source of information are the ones living under their respective rocks.

Amy I hope your plans the Alkon brand are taking into account the impending implosion of the dead-tree media.

Posted by: martin at November 30, 2007 10:12 AM

plans FOR etc.

Posted by: martin at November 30, 2007 10:13 AM

I think Amy's letter writer was just the kind of person who woke up in the morning looking for an excuse to be snotty. So then she read the new Alkon column and sent the snotty comment.

(Can you imagine such a person? Me neither!)

My favorite part is still having "no significance in filling people minds with things that are not good." No thoughtful person could deliberately compose that shade of meaning... You gotta get there by accident. It's like how all the best pop music comes from naive teenagers instead of edjumicated musicians.

This woman is confusing herself with her own words, and it's a beauty to behold.

Posted by: Crid at November 30, 2007 10:34 AM

Amy, is that a granite counter top I see lurking beneath that sheet of paper?!

:-)

Posted by: Gretchen at November 30, 2007 12:03 PM

Actually, it's an old shelf until from a barn or something, probably a hundred years old, that I bought at a garage sale. It's wood with peeling paint. I have it standing up and use it as a bathroom shelf unit. Probably more than you ever wanted to know!

Posted by: Amy Alkon at November 30, 2007 12:06 PM

I was particularly entertained by the spelling of "sleezy."

Posted by: Amy Alkon at November 30, 2007 12:17 PM

That was great! The spelling actually made it freakier!

Freekyer!

Posted by: Crid at November 30, 2007 1:56 PM

Anyone else seeing shade's of Dana Carvy's Church Lady?

Who's really writing these articles? Is it Amy? Or could is be. . . . . SATAN?

Posted by: Elle at November 30, 2007 3:33 PM

Amy's not Satan. Elizabeth Hurley is.

But I bet she has all the qualifications...

Posted by: Radwaste at November 30, 2007 5:32 PM

I have a response for Rachel

Assuming for the sake of argument that god and the devil exist, then you must accept that the devil exists soley at gods descretion and all the evil the devil is responsible for is gods will.

Therefore by sevring satan Amy is, infact, serving god.
And as god has promised to forgive everyone Amy will indeed get to heaven.
However god has said he will not forgive those who are not forgiving, unless you apologize to Amy and beg gods forgivness for intefering with Amys service in his name you are in danger of hell

I will pray for your unforgiving soul

The truth is Amy religion is great, it make people so easily manipulatable, just dip into their delusion spout off some half baked crap and you can make them do what ever you want

Its really easy when the poor saps know less about their religion than you do

Posted by: lujlp at November 30, 2007 10:10 PM

"Assuming for the sake of argument that god and the devil exist, then you must accept that the devil exists soley at gods descretion and all the evil the devil is responsible for is gods will."

What? No. If one believes that god exists it doesn't automatically assume that god created everything and therefore the devil - the devil could exist on its own apart from god. Your argument is limited by traditional assumptions from the bible, religious teachings, whatever.

No one can prove that god exists. No one can prove that any of the rest of the little religious theories are correct either. So, assuming that god exists for the sake of argument doesn't lead to any conclusion that 1) the devil also exists 2) that god created the devil. The logical bridge just isn't there to connect those ideas...

Posted by: Gretchen at December 2, 2007 8:25 AM

Amy,

My proctologist sends her regards.

Posted by: Roger at December 7, 2007 12:09 PM

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