A Single Parent And His Poor, Lonely Penis
Single largest source of hate mail for this month comes from The Entitled Single Parent. He and others of his ilk think they're entitled to have the widest possible pool of hot, young dates to choose from -- and never mind the children and ex-wives they've got running around.
According to my hate mail, those single people on the dating scene who aren't rah-rah-rah about the single parent's whole package -- kids, ex-wives, and all -- are "shallow," "horrible," and lacking in "compassion." (As am I, apparently, for even suggesting that maybe, possibly, the kids should come first.)
I just posted the Advice Goddess column behind the hate mail, Doodie Calls, a reply to a letter from "Single Dad," who wrote:
Your advice for the 25-year-old woman who didn’t want to get involved with a guy with a daughter was disgustingly shallow. In supporting her not wanting to date single dads you’re saying, yes, segregate single parents, remove them from the dating pool! Yes, how dare they try to pass themselves off as people first, not as potentially inadequate mates due to being broke, having the psycho ex, and the bedwetting child?! Here’s advice for you: Compassion. It's developed by seeing and sharing life. Try getting out of the shallow end of the humanity pool and seeing the wider world of relationships!
My response starts like this:
Tragically, it seems you’ve lost your all-access pass to the dating pool.Unlike when you were in nursery school, and teachers aides saw that every kid got the exact same allotment of Jelly Bellys, advice columnists are not standing outside bars making sure everybody leaves with a smiley sticker and a hot 25-year-old. Grownup life is harsh. Actions have consequences. Sorry to bring down the giant fly swatter on your free-floating sense of entitlement, but you gave up your Romeo status the day you let Tommy Trouser Snake out to play without his raincoat.
Parents aren’t people first. They’re parents first. Here in “the shallow end of the humanity pool,” this means the parental agenda precedes all other agendas, as it should. In other words, you’re a wee bit more likely than the single, 25-year-old stud boy to have your date interrupted by a frantic call from the neighbors: “Little Sprogly’s shot the babysitter with the staple gun!”
Now, unless your ex died or ran off with the UPS man, or you worked a deal for some neighbor lady to be the oven for your bun, chances are you’re not just a single dad, but a divorced dad. There is this notion of “the good divorce,” but is there really such a thing? There are better divorces and worse divorces, and there are couples who aren’t doing their kids any favors by staying together and continuing to chase each other around with an ax.
But, let’s be real, even if you aren’t alimony-bled, with a psycho ex-wife and a 15-year-old who’s suddenly wetting the bed, divorce doesn’t exactly simplify a guy’s life or leave a trail of rose petals and cupcakes in its wake. The girl in question, who admitted she wasn’t ready to handle a guy with a kid, could have a boyfriend whose only real distraction is getting his motorcycle rechromed. Or she could have you. So…if you were her, which would you choose? Assuming you’re looking for a boyfriend, not looking to become a one-woman chapter of the Salvation Army. >>cont'd>>
The rest is here, as are a lot of comments.
And oh, to all the nitwits who took the leap that this column is evidence that I hate single dads and men, I'd give exactly the same response if he were a single mother, except that I'd probably make a crack about her diaphragm in place of the bit about Tommy Trouser Snake.
And P.S. If you're going to attack somebody for being anti-male, I'm probably not your girl.
MANHATER!!!!
Seriously, this guy needs to learn to use his hands. If that's just not working, invest in a sex toy or two.
DuWayne at December 19, 2007 2:28 PM
Good for you Amy. Possibly your best advice yet.
Did you all see Britney Spears 16 year old kid sister is pregnant now? grrrrr.....
eric at December 19, 2007 3:28 PM
This is a fabulous blog post, Amy.
Crid at December 19, 2007 4:33 PM
And like Eric, I'm kind of pissed about Britney's sister.
Crid at December 19, 2007 4:37 PM
Thanks, guys. As Insta would say, read the whole thing -- over at the link.
Amy Alkon at December 19, 2007 4:49 PM
Hey, I was just discussing this very subject today with my old friend and ex-concubine who popped out a toddler last summer. We both subscribe to the Brady Bunch Conjecture: single parents should probably only date other single parents. Though I guess there are exceptions -- for example, as a strict Darwinian, I'll date a single parent but first they must kill their tainted offspring.
Paul Hrissikopoulos at December 19, 2007 5:24 PM
Do they have to eat them, too? Or can they just leave the remains out for the coyotes?
Amy Alkon at December 19, 2007 5:46 PM
Really, Amy -- what a cruel imagination. I would never endorse cannibalism unless your soccer team crashes in the Andes or the price of frozen pizza crosses $3.00/lb.
Paul Hrissikopoulos at December 19, 2007 6:31 PM
I loved that book (Alive). Unfortunately, I had to burn it for firewood in my lean years in New York City.
Amy Alkon at December 19, 2007 6:37 PM
An apt tribute to a powerful story.
Paul Hrissikopoulos at December 19, 2007 7:05 PM
> the Brady Bunch Conjecture
I see where you're headed, but it would be nice to think an incompetent parent/former spouse might bump up against a normal person and start behaving well. I never had one, but the word on the street is that step-parents are a pain in the ass, as are step-sibs.
Kinda OT- I was talking to my favorite feminist this afternoon, who mentioned that one reason foster parenthood may have turned into such a shitty enterprise nowadays is that all the decent, experienced, capable middle-aged women we used to have standing around in empty nests with nothing to do but look for more kids to raise are now in the workplace.
The changes to the family in postwar America were not small things.
Also, that fucking Marsha is one Queen Bitch.
Crid at December 19, 2007 7:19 PM
Christ, I should never be snide about pop culture. The lead of the CNN website at this hour is:
updated 9:57 p.m. EST, Wed December 19, 2007
What will you tell kids about Britney's sister?
Parents are struggling with what to tell their children after finding out that Jamie Lynn Spears, the 16-year-old star of Nickelodeon's "Zoey 101," is expecting a baby. full story
Crid at December 19, 2007 7:21 PM
Amy, you were bashed as anti-male? How does one come up with "anti-male" from that column?
A young woman doesn't want to date a single Dad and she's shallow why? For being honest and not wanting to deal with a man with kids in tow? She should be commended for having the guts to be honest.
When I was a single Dad, I took no offense to women who didn't want to date me, and why should I have?
Knowing how much you've stood up for Fathers and men in general, it infuriates me that others have the audacity to make such hateful and baseless accusations against you.
I'm emabarrassed for those who've attacked you Amy and wish to thank you for continually defending men and Fathers as you do.
Tony
Tony at December 19, 2007 7:28 PM
Thanks, Tony. Really appreciate that.
Here's an excerpt from one of my responses, to a letter that came snail-mail from "Dave" (no last name) in Spokane:
Amy Alkon at December 19, 2007 7:45 PM
Blogging about the Spears thing for tomorrow.
Amy Alkon at December 19, 2007 7:56 PM
I have spent years pissing off women for daring to tell them that being a single mom is a good reason not to date them, and generally getting ostricized for it. But, now I feel dirty for knowing that there is a man out there who would take the same position.
Tomre Utsu Zo at December 19, 2007 8:00 PM
Asshat letter is coming. My man Gregg is putting it on the server.
Amy Alkon at December 19, 2007 8:34 PM
The letter from "Dave G" is here:
http://www.advicegoddess.com/complaintdept/DaveGHatesAmy1.jpg
Amy Alkon at December 19, 2007 8:35 PM
Admittedly, I'm tired. However, reading Dave G's letter leads me to one of two conclusions:
1. He's a pathological chauvinist.
B. It's apparent that prior to typing his sanctimonious oracle, he failed to read anything else on your site Amy. Otherwise, his foot wouldn't be protruding from his arse.
Dave, first I think you do need a big 'D' tatooed on your forhead for 'Donkey." Next, your punishment for proudly displaying your insolent ignorance is to write the following 10,000 times.
"Judge not lest you be judged."
Tony
Tony at December 19, 2007 9:14 PM
He reads me in the Pacific Northwest Inlander in Spokane. Or rather, read me once.
I do have to say, Americans can be pretty humorless (this isn't to say the Saudi Arabians are a bag of laughs). Still, you wouldn't believe some of the stuff in my column people in this country get irate about. By and large, the most reasonable group of readers who write me are in the military. They read me in the Stars and Stripes. I guess, with all they go through, they need a sense of humor, and can't be bothered to get all picky about wisecracks.
I almost made a Tourette's joke in the column I just turned in, but it didn't end up working with what I wrote. I called the Tourette's association to see if it would be too hurtful. The PR lady was really cool -- laughed at it, and said she'd get a letter about it, but thought I could use it.
When I called her, I made fun of my own ADHD -- telling her what it's sometimes like leaving the house. I go out to the car, realize I forgot my phone, go back in to get it, pick up a book I should bring with me, go back out to the car, realize I still don't have my phone, go get the phone, go back to the car, and realize I left my sunglasses on the table in the process. I have to leave the house four times, and I'm still not ready to hit the road. I think that's funny.
Amy Alkon at December 19, 2007 10:02 PM
Is that ADHD? It sounds just like my normal scatterbrained behaviour. Next thing, you'll tell me you write your blog in prose.
Norman at December 20, 2007 12:27 AM
Norman -
Yes. Yes it is.
One of my own worse, was getting the five year old ready and heading off to do some grocery shopping. We got on the light rail and ended up in a tangential conversation with a high school science teacher. Next thing you know, we have passed our stop for getting said groceries and ended up downtown. Three hours later we came home to a very scowly momma, with a pile of books and nothing for dinner.
It's not that these are things that most people aren't perfectly capable of, it's the fact that they are the rule, rather than an exception. Nary a day goes by that I don't have three to five incidents like it. A very common one is to get ready to head out for a walk or trip to the park, only to have the five year old asking me why I'm cleaning the kitchen, instead of walking out the door with him.
It is one thing to have the occasional absent minded moment, or even days like that. It is quite another when it is a daily occurrence. I would also note that it pervades many other aspects of life. Another example is my tendency to try to clean every room in the apartment at once, often while cooking, writing and organizing my toolboxes. I am also prone to getting stuck in the process, getting overwhelmed by everything I am doing and losing track of where I am. Not such a problem at home, but occasionally an issue on the job, when I am charging people a lot of money for my time
DuWayne at December 20, 2007 5:48 PM
If you rule out dating a segment of the population for any reason - possession of a kid, height, hair color, whatever - you end up with a smaller dating pool, and you risk not meeting The One who happens to have the "imperfection" common to that group. You thus increase your risk of remaining single indefinitely. That's the tradeoff. My rule is that as long as you don't then whine to me that "I never meet any great guys/women!" then you're free to do as you wish. It would do the angry letter-writers a lot better to look at it from the perspective that, if said letter-writers are really such great catches, the people who will really suffer from the no-dating-parents policy are the non-parent-daters themselves.
That having been said, if you've ever known of a second marriage in which the stepparent resents the kids (there's one in this week's Dear Prudence, in fact!), you will, I think, realize that there are worse things than someone not wanting to take on the responsibility of getting involved with a parent. The awful people aren't the ones refusing to date parents - they're the ones who promise to looooovvvvvvve the little darlings right until about five seconds after the wedding vows are spoken.
Anyway, I defended the guy who was thinking of breaking up with his girlfriend over her boob size, so of course I'll defend the woman thinking of breaking up with her boyfriend over his number of kids (i.e. more than zero). Better she be honest now than resentful later.
marion at December 20, 2007 11:29 PM
DuWayne - thanks for the correction. Apologies for my somewhat belittling post.
Norman at December 21, 2007 12:14 AM
Maybe that's what's wrong with my daughter. Geeze, sometimes she just seems so scatterbrained.
Donna at December 21, 2007 6:41 AM
Norman -
Often, it is very amusing. Sometimes not as much. But all in all, I wouldn't trade being me for the world...It really makes certain things I do much, much easier. The songwriting that I am trying to turn into a full time career for sure, but the remodeling and handywork as well. While I have a hell of a time by myself on the job, I am capable of keeping track of every little detail in my head (though I also meticulously take notes and diagram it on my laptop as well).
DuWayne at December 21, 2007 9:04 AM
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