Amy Alkon, Bad Fruit/Black Widow Spider
It's time for Retard Of The Week here in AdviceGoddessland!
This week's ROTW, "Dave G," snail-mailed me (letter at the link above) to complain about this column I wrote, Doodie Calls. Some of my favorite bits from Dave G's letter include the way he refers to sex as "the coitus thing," and the part about women who give their shoes names (does anyone actually do that?). Personally, I wear boots, and I just call them all "expensive."
P.S. DaveG, regarding "penis envy," Freud just made that shit up. You'd know that if you read my column more often instead of sitting home marinating in hatred for womankind because you didn't look before you did the 500-yard dash to the altar.
Gawd. I can understand why some question God's existence -- it's hard to imagine anyone deliberately created a moron like DaveG. A random collection of molecules is a much more likely explanation.
Gotta love that cognitive dissonance. "Amy, you're a male-hating, penis-obsessing, hell-bound psycho slut. Try to be more positive, like me!"
Since the Sierra Club threatened to sue Claus, Inc. over the coal thing, I suspect Santa will be stuffing DaveG's stocking with bat guano this year. Tucked in the top will be a vanity plate for DaveG's Pacer: "BTSHTCRZY".
DaveG, if you're reading this: "Penis. Penis. PENIS."
Splashman at December 20, 2007 2:17 AM
The only reason somebody brings up "penis envy" is when they themselves want one. DaveG doesn't have one. Obviously. At least, not connected to him.
Radwaste at December 20, 2007 3:21 AM
I'm envious of my penis. Why should it have all the fun?
Norman at December 20, 2007 3:37 AM
Geez, Amy, you're going to have to have new business cards made: Amy Alkon, Godless Harlot/Bad Fruit/Black Widow. What next? o_O
Flynne at December 20, 2007 7:18 AM
I bet his "former wife" is pissed he won't call her his "ex." I would be.
kg at December 20, 2007 7:31 AM
How did I know a God plug would be at the end of that letter? LOL! Is there anything less manly than a male of the species telling the female what a woman should be? Real men don't need to play with Barbies. May I add that real men are far more interesting than Ken dolls.
Donna at December 20, 2007 7:32 AM
Anyone who uses emoticons in print is either as immature as a three-year-old, a little girl, or wishes he was.
That's gotta be on a par with dotting your i's with little hearts.
And if this guy was as right with God as he wants to believe, he wouldn't HAVE an ex.
brian at December 20, 2007 9:01 AM
No wonder he is divorced. I can't believe he got married in the first place. His poor child.
Amy at December 20, 2007 9:38 AM
It seems to be the usual suspects that would rarely read your column and accuse you of whatever disturbs their fragile conscience. If this guy took the time to read your blog he would have never put the letter in the mail, but if the populace was rational then it wouldn't have as much entertainment value.
Amy must have enough ROTW material for when doodie calls!!!
kbling at December 20, 2007 1:11 PM
Just to clarify, he is not me.
DaveG at December 21, 2007 10:19 AM
Wow. I love reading your advice and all the comments but sometimes the ignorance in the world truly floors me. What planet does this guy live on, anyway?
Melissa at December 21, 2007 11:26 AM
I really shouldn't stoop so low for a joke, but...Uranus?
Amy Alkon at December 21, 2007 1:26 PM
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