How To Respond When A Man Gives You A Plane Ticket To Europe
Assuming it isn't a one way ticket (and even then...) maybe you could work your way up to a wee bit of enthusiasm...maybe even a little gratitude?
Gregg called me last spring and started going into detail about some conference in Italy (turned out to be the Festivaletteratura). It would be in September, blah blah blah...Gregg sounded like he was trying to sell me on the idea of going. I stopped him. "Honey, you should just know, if ever the question is 'Do you want to go to Italy with me?' you don't even have to ask; the answer is always 'Yes!'"
We celebrated our five-year anniversary in December, and as one of my presents, Gregg gave me a trip to Paris this winter. Alone, yes, but hey! (Gregg has only one Paris visit in him a year, and I prefer to go with him when the weather is nicer.) Again, somebody says, "Here's a plane ticket to a fabulous European city you love, and get on the Internets and rent yourself a nice apartment, too," do you hop in their lap and plant a big kiss on them -- or hop on your broom?
Well, apparently, your response is all broom if you're the wife of a Hollywood writer/director; specifically, actress Leslie Mann, who's married to Judd Apatow. Now, perhaps this piece was meant to be funny (and perhaps it actually should have been funny) -- from The New York Times, a slice of Leslie Mann and Judd Apatow's marital life:
JUDDOne year, as a present, I got Leslie a trip to Italy. We had never visited Europe together, and it was something I knew she would love to do.
So I had a basket made with Italian bread, airline tickets to Rome, a guidebook. Stuff like that. Here is the shocking part: When I gave it to her, she got mad at me.
LESLIE
Why is that shocking? It was a terrible present.
JUDD
It was a great present.
LESLIE
Let me rephrase that. It wasn’t even a present. A trip is something we do together. It is something we would do whether or not it was a present for me. You get to go, so it is for you also. That means it is not a present. It is an activity that would happen anyway.
JUDD
That makes no sense at all.
[snip]
JUDD
But we had never been to Europe before.
LESLIE
And we could have gone, but not as my present.
[snip]
JUDD
But you are impossible to buy presents for, because you don’t like anything.
LESLIE
I told you, I would be happy to tell you exactly what I want.
JUDD
But that is not a present because then you might as well just buy it for yourself.
LESLIE
But I feel less guilty if you buy it for me.
JUDD
Why don’t we just give more money to charity this year and not give each other presents?
LESLIE
How about we give more money to charity this year and still get each other presents? Now you are just bailing.
JUDD
Well, what exactly do you want?
LESLIE
After 10 years you don’t know me well enough to know what I would like?
JUDD
Fine. So, what are you going to get me?
Do the humane thing, honey, and give him a divorce.
One year, I scrimped and saved, worked overtime, returned empties, whatever and used the money to buy my wife a fur coat for Christmas. (Fur coat, I know, but this was 30 years ago)
She got mad because we were supposed to discuss any large purchases before buying. Believe it or not, we lasted almost another year before separating.
Steamer at December 24, 2007 5:32 AM
Wow, so many women just don't get it. I don't care if a guy gets you a big, squirming purple hog. If it seems likely he did it because he cares about you and is trying to please you, you show your appreciation accordingly.
Personally, I'm not anti-fur. In fact, my heat's out, and if you know where that fur is now, perhaps we can make a deal.
Amy Alkon at December 24, 2007 6:03 AM
--LESLIE
I told you, I would be happy to tell you exactly what I want.--
Later on:
--LESLIE
After 10 years you don’t know me well enough to know what I would like?--
I think this is logic of the divorced woman.
And this quote from Leslie:
--...You get to go, so it is for you also.--
seems to be at the crux of it. She wants some kind of pure, blindingly white sacrifice of a gift that causes her happy emotions to soar beyond the ability of her senses to experience. Anything else is shit.
doombuggy at December 24, 2007 6:29 AM
A guy will do stuff for you, but one thing he needs in return is a little appreciation. Now, I'm guessing these people have more money than the average bank. What does this woman want that she can't go to the store and buy? In other words, you're exactly right, doom.
This woman sounds just like all the rich, bitter, and miserable wives and ex-wives I encountered at a gathering on Montana Ave and at another in the Palisades (ritzy neighborhoods). I think the real problem with women who sound like this comes from within.
Amy Alkon at December 24, 2007 6:49 AM
It's the season for this sort of column. Here's another one Liz Jones: Why men are so useless at buying Christmas - gifts | the Daily Mail
and
Here's the FARK thread that "discusses" Liz Jones's column.
jerry at December 24, 2007 7:02 AM
I once looked everywhere to find the perfect beautiful vase for my wife. She asked why I did not get flowers to put in it. This is the same woman who gave me vacuum cleaner for Christmas, and it was not even he one I wanted.
Needless to say she is now my ex.
mbruce at December 24, 2007 7:04 AM
Married for ten years and he still can't figure it out? Clearly she wants a spanking for Christmas.
Paul Hrissikopoulos at December 24, 2007 8:03 AM
I'm pretty sure it's part of their schtick.
However, I once suggested that my wife and I take a quick, fun, spontaneous weekend trip to Paris. The answer was ... no. And not that nice a no, either. I probably should have dumped her and fled, but (a) she already was the mother of my child, (b) I knew she was a little strange when I married her and (c) she promptly went into therapy.
Whenever I have told this story over the years the reactions have been uniform: amazement that the relationship didn't end then and there. My wife is no dummy; I don't think it will happen again.
ronbo at December 24, 2007 8:19 AM
I'm not going to comment on the Apatow/Mann thing, just because fiction is obviously a pretty massive part of their lives...
However, it's way too often this time of year that you see a LOT of people sniping at their significant others for their gift choices.
If you really cared about a person, you should respect the fact that they were sweet enough to make any effort in picking out something for you (no less a trip to Italy). This year after an early gift exchange with my boyfriend, I'm all smiles over a little XM radio for my car.
Frankly, if he ever bought us a trip to Italy, the only kind of screaming I'd be doing would be the kind where you jump up and down and hug someone.
may at December 24, 2007 9:11 AM
Judd, honey, if you're looking to trade up, I'M always happy to get a trip to Italy as a gift.
marion at December 24, 2007 11:06 AM
I wonder how much of Leslie's character in Knocked Up was acting, and how much was just Leslie being Leslie?
Verkan at December 24, 2007 3:05 PM
Hubby and I have pretty much stopped giving each other big gifts at prescribed times (birthdays, anniversary, Hannukah). More often we give small, spontaneous gifts, and the big stuff we do together. I just gave him the new "Blade Runner" Director's Cut in Blue ray. He was thrilled.
I feel guilty about getting big extravagant gifts, honestly. But if he handed me tickets to Europe, I'd be pretty darned happy.
deja pseu at December 24, 2007 3:05 PM
Sorry to belabor a point, but what, exactly, has to happen to you before somebody hands you tickets to Italy, and in a little handmade gift basket, and you snarl, "What kind of present is this?!"
Amy Alkon at December 24, 2007 3:20 PM
Psychosis? Neurosis? Extreme self-involvement?
deja pseu at December 24, 2007 3:30 PM
Cor, we're so romantic that I got momma a better food processor, a nice flexi baking set, the adjustable measuring cups she was salivating over and a super sexy Dyson vacuum cleaner. I also had a pendant made from a very pretty stone that our son found, in the shape of a heart, with the birthstones for each of our children set into it. But I don't know how romantic that really is, as it is really from the boys - though the ten day old didn't have any input.
I got the better end of the stick with a genuine Turkish coffee making kit and a pound of unhulled cardamen. I also finally got a stainless steel french press - I have broken about fifty of the glass ones over the years. Momma knows the key to my heart. The almost six year old got me a good balsa carving knife set, which will be good for making good airplanes. I also got a beautiful baby boy, all in all a good Christmas. (although said beautiful boy has already managed to pee on me, an impressive start)
DuWayne at December 24, 2007 3:37 PM
Oh, and if I spent the money a trip to Italy would entail, I am pretty sure momma would leave me for good. But then we don't have the kind of money these folks have, nor do we own a home yet.
DuWayne at December 24, 2007 3:39 PM
My ex-husband gave me an ironing board for our first xmas together.
Current husband is barely employed and didn't give me a thing for my birthday and I'm expecting the same thing for xmas.
girlatheist at December 24, 2007 4:07 PM
This kind of crap really galls me about christmas. I have no problem with giving and receiving gifts, but Jesus Freakin CHHEEERRRIST, where do some people get this idea that because some man got crucified two large years ago, they deserve a plasma tv?
The whole idea of some woman not being happy with a trip to Italy because she is not the only one to benefit from it makes me believe that she should have got the ultimate gift, permanent FREEDOM, from associations with all of those self serving evil sons of bitches who would want to accompany such an arrogant bitch on a trip anywhere.
Bikerken at December 24, 2007 11:35 PM
So far, eric of CDA has told the best gift giving story for 2007
Crid at December 25, 2007 12:19 AM
My daughter is attending University in England for the year, and she's going to be in Paris over Christmas. When I told my wife that she should go to Paris for a week over Christmas to be with our daughter, she was so excited she could hardly see straight. Like you, Amy, Paris is her favorite city in the whole world, but we haven't been there for 11 years. What's not to like about getting a trip as a gift? If you're with your significant other, you get to share the experience. If you're by yourself, you do anything you want, within your budget and moral code, without having to negotiate or compromise with anybody. Both are great options
Marriedguy at December 25, 2007 2:35 AM
The only thing better than the Celtic sword BF got me would be a trip to Ireland. And I would na go without him. Or the girls. Some would give me a trip somewhere, and want to come with me? How could I say no or even complain of the context in which it was given? Who could be so callous and selfish? I dunna get it. o_O
Flynne at December 25, 2007 5:32 PM
Oooops. "Some" should be "someone". Mmmmm, mead. I love mead. 'Specially around the holidays. o_O
Flynne at December 25, 2007 5:35 PM
DuWayne, congratulations on the birth of your new son! V. exciting.
It is possible to give an obnoxious gift. An unasked-for membership in Weight Watchers or diet book are a couple of examples. Same with Nicorette gum or a self-help book. Or, say, a fur for an animal rights activist. That having been said, unless you're getting a trip to North Korea, a gift of a trip should always, ALWAYS be welcomed with overwhelmed delight.
marion at December 25, 2007 6:50 PM
I don't know. This woman was just obnoxious about it but it all depends. Not everyone likes to travel. When I was young, I wanted to see the world -- not so much any more. Much as I enjoy Amy's sharing of her travels to Paris, etc., I've no real desire to go there myself.
It all depends on the circumstances. If it was somewhere I'd always wanted to see, then, yes, it was a thoughtful and utterly fantastic gift but if he was just making a grand gesture to make himself out to be grand or because he thought you should want to go (whether or not you did), then not so much, especially if the thought of traveling makes you groan.
There are some day trips would thrill me but Paris, Italy, anything involving passport, plane travel, deciphering other languages and numerous other headaches, I'll pass. I'm content to admire those lands from afar (possibly why I have no ambition career-wise).
Not to mention the disruption to my life. I know, I know. The disruption is rather the point of a vacation but my idea of the ideal vacation is just to chill at home. No, it's not sad. It's not the popular view, granted, but it's what I like. I pretty much view traveling the same way my introverted self views parties. Nice idea -- for other people.
But that's me. I am not most people. I march to my own beat. Most people would find a trip exciting. Maybe the problem here was that he presumed she was like most people and she wasn't? I'd be likewise insulted if some guy surprised me with something as daunting as a trip to Italy but then again, I wouldn't be with a guy for 10 years if he didn't know me better than that after the first couple. I have the uneasy feeling that this was more a comedy routine poking fun of fuddy-duddy people like me who hold the opinion that "boredom" is way under-rated.
Donna at December 27, 2007 7:22 AM
Oh, and that said (above), another beautiful pic, Amy! Pics of beautiful places are about my speed and I am enjoying all those you share.
Donna at December 27, 2007 7:24 AM
My husband bought be an electric blanket for Christmas this year. He obviously has never listened to the numerous times I've told the story of why I have a paralyzing fear of electric blankets and dying in my sleep. Did I point that out when I opened it? HELL NO! He bought it because our house if cold, I'm always cold and I had taken to using a heating pad to stay warm in front of the TV. I put that sucker on my bed and am forcing myself to get past my fear because he put a lot of thought and effort into my gift and I'll be damned if I'm gonna tell him I don't want it!
Kimberly at December 28, 2007 2:29 PM
Thanks, Donna. And Kimberly, that's a good way, actually (systematic desensitization), to get over a fear. Gradual exposure to the thing you're afraid of. Although, I guess your exposure is sudden. Why do you think an electric blanket will cause you to die in your sleep? And, has anyone ever died from one? Just trying to help! Stuff to think of to ease your fears.
Amy Alkon at December 28, 2007 4:37 PM
2 weeks with an electric blanket and I'm still alive!
Fear came from an insanely paranoid mother who, when I was 8, woke me from a dead sleep to tell me not to roll over on the blanket because bending the cords could cause a fire and I might die from said fire.
Thank god for psychiatry...even if Tom Cruise doesn't agree!
Kimberly at January 10, 2008 4:15 PM
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