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Love Is A Barter Field

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Love Is A Barter Field
You sometimes find some true stories in The Onion.

This time, "Heather Barrs" is "ready for romance and all of its positive net gains!"

Relationships are a two-way street, and you can't expect to make them work unless you're willing to get out there and risk being hurt. Took me a long time to learn that, but now that I'm ready to open my heart to another person, it's only a matter of time before I find my soulmate. So look out, world, because I've got a whole lot of love to give to the first person who can match that love with a similar offer or its equivalent in luxury items, birthday and anniversary presents, or cash.

I will also accept a biweekly series of dinners at fashionable yet intimate restaurants.

I guess I'm just a hopeless romantic. When I see a handsome man with sparkling baby blues, it's no time before I fall head over heels and offer him an impressive six-month infatuation package for 2 percent over market price. I can't help myself! Anyone who knows me knows I'm the kind of girl who wears her heart on her sleeve and doesn't mind haggling for a better deal on growing old together.

As they say, 'tis better to have loved and lost than never to have swapped one's undying affection for having someone around during the holidays.

...Just look into my eyes and you'll know we were born to engage in a mutually beneficial transaction together.

An old boyfriend kept calling me complaining that some girl or other was screaming and pounding on his door at 3am. They thought he was relationship material. He did want a relationship, but he couldn't find anybody who was quite right. So, he slept with girls and they all got the idea that they were on their way to a relationship with him -- until it became clear they weren't and the door banging and threats to burn the building down began.

I finally advised him to date hookers. I see it as a fair, free-market exchange. Much more above-board than the basis of many relationships.

He finally listened to me, and called a Brazilian escort service. And then he called me to complain: Why didn't I make him do it sooner?